An excerpt from a "Waldorf Newsletter"
written by Lucas G. Hendrikson in 1991
"Talking to 'Tiny Adults'"
There is a story that may be familiar to you, it goes like this: a four year old and her mother were sitting in a fast food restaurant; the father had gone for the food. When he returned, he asked the little girl whether she wanted to eat there or go home. The girl was quietly confused. "Well", he said, "Which shall it be - home or here? Make up your mind." the girl, still in a state of confusion, burst into tears. "Well, we're going home if you act like that," said her father, and off they went.
Scenes like this occur quite often. Loving parents, not wanting to inflict their will and desires upon their children, allow a child to make many decisions so that he can be his own person. Chilren are treated as "tiny adults". The social upheavals of the 60's can be viewed as the children of this nation casting off the will and desires of their parents in order to become their own people. Now, those children are parents and want freedom for their children. But is this freedom healthy? Is the unlimited ability to choose what children really need in order to fulfill their potential and become truly free?
In the Waldorf movement, we often use the analogy of comparing a child to a flower. The child is a seed which contains everything needed to become a beautifully unique flower. Our job as parents is to give the child a healthy environment so that she may blossom. Neither should we expect the young child to produce life decisions. Those decisions are the job of the parent.
Statements from my six-year-old daughter: "I'm gonna wear my shorts!" - in the middle of winter. "I will not eat that!" just after I finished cooking breakfast. "I'm not going with you! - when we have only a few minutes to leave for an appointment. My job is to help her understand that on many things, the decision lies with me. She has no choice. I know that it will help her to make decisions later in her life if she sees a strong example now of decision making in action. This must be done in a confident manner, without long explanations. I notice that she is often testing how strong the decision I have made is, and, if my decision is strong and calm she will have confidence in me and will feel secure.
We are indeed helping our children toward freedom - but it's freedom at 21 not at 5. The ability to learn to make decisions and carrying responsibility is a gradual process. This child needs experience in making decisions and carrying responsibility, but too often we see the children running the family. The parents ask the child, "Do you want to stay in kindergarten, or come home with me?" "Do you want to go to bed, or not?" These are not really choices, and we do the child a disservice by making it seem otherwise. If the parent has worked out that it is time for kindergarten, or bed, then the decision is made.
The child under seven is in a dream consciousness. This is good and healthy, and we should nurture it. Every question asks the child to "wake up" in order to accomplish the thinking necessary to respond. This drains forces he would otherwise use to build up his physical body. If, while we were sleeping, someone woke us up - just a little - and then, when we went back to sleep, woke us again and again, in the morning we would be quite crabby. This is what we do to the child when we demand decisions of him, only this 'crabbiness" works into his very being.
The child needs to sleep, and only gradually wake up to the world around him. The adult needs to nurture and protect the child, making firm decisions and being calmly confident in them. This calls adults to order, demanding much more consciousness on their part. Do I need to ask the child this? Does the child really have a choice here? How can I accept the responsibility for making decisions and nurturing my child and allowing her to do her job of building her body and her imagination? If we can bring our consiousness to these questions, our children can dream as they need to, and we can live joyfully without the "crabby child".
Next week - questions for reflecting on how we speak with young children.
Bring comments about this article to parent-toddler class and we can discuss them briefly at snacktime, providing support for each other in this work of conscious parenting.
