Stephanie Neikirk-Epes, assistant director at the Rose Garden Early Childhood Center gave a lecture on "Schooling the Will" on Thursday, November 4th. She wrote this blog highlighting a point from the lecture; one that inspired discussion and touched the souls of those present. Stephanie's words are as follows.
At this time of year, things get busy. In all the hurry and excitement of preparations and parties, we can feel resentment, tiredness, resistance and even anger. There are normal human emotions. But they can be especially disturbing when we feel them toward our own children. Of course, paradoxically - or perhaps not so - children can get anxious and become more clingy or more demanding if they sense our discomfort with our own feelings.
Children directly perceive our feeling life even if we don't talk about it with them. They directly perceive our feeling life even if we don't acknowledge how we feel, even if we don't accept how we feel. And because they learn by imitation, they imitate what they experience with and within us. Walt Whitman artistically describes this process.
There Was a Child Went Forth
There was a child went forth every day;
And the first object he look'd uon, that object he became;
And that object became part of him for the day, or a certain part of
the day, or for many years, or stretching cycles of years.
The mother at home, quietly placing the dishes on the supper-table;
The mother with mild words - clean her cap and gown, a wholesome odor falling off her person and clothes as she walks by;
The father, strong, self-sufficient, manly, mean, anger'd, unjust;
The blow, the quick loud word, the right bargain, the crafty lure,
The family usages, the language, the company, the furniture - the yearning and swelling heart.
Affection that will not be gainsay'd - the sense of what is real - the thought if, after all, it should prove unreal.
The doubts of day-time and the doubts of night-time - the curious whether and how,
Whether that which appears so is so, or is it all flashes and specks?
We may or may not be like these archetypal parents, but the process of internalization for the child is the same...children internalize the world around them. They internalize without question or judgment both our feeling life AND our reaction to our feeling life. When we acknowledge the truth of our feelings/needs we teach our children to be honest, to accept who and what it means to be human. Clarifying all of this requires reflection, inner work - parenting is a meditative exercise.
So, if we find ourselves angry at our chilren, resentful, or tired, this is a sign that we need to create an adult only time and place as a down to earth way to meet a genuine human need.
We need to be comfortable with the truth that we each need a space for ourselves. If we can feel ok with this, our children will grow up with the idea that it's right for an adult to have boundaries, to want and need personal time and space. They will grow up knowing how to create this health-giving space for themselves.
This is a gift we can right now give our children for their future health.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Is There such a Thing as Necessary Stress?
During this time of year, when we are entering the darkest days that come just before we celebrate the return of the light, I've noticed that it is a difficult transition for many people. It definitely helps to focus on the celebration of the light, to know that this will pass and that it is part of the greater order of things. That's how it is with all transitions; they have a degree of difficulty and it's best to focus on where we are headed, beginning with getting out of bed in the morning.
When we are consciously aware of changes in nature and how they affect us, we can help our children, many who are sensitive to these transitions. I've observed that during this season, children are often tired and unsettled because their experience of life is limited so they look to the adults to frame their experiences, to mirror back for them that everything is going to be alright. For all they know, maybe it will be dark everyday at 5:00 p.m. and summer will never return. Without knowing it, children might experience fear and manifest it by being a little crabby. What do we do when our children (given they are not getting sick) cry about putting on their coats, getting in the car or saying good-bye to parents who are leaving for work?
First, it makes sense to quickly check for signs of illness and if wellness is determined, then it's a good idea to acknowledge feelings. "Yes, that's a little uncomfortable, but we are going to wear our jackets on this blustery day. Let me help you put your arm in the sleeve". That's the thing about discomfort or stress, it's best to acknowledge it and to go forward with sensitivity, but if going forward is the best thing, to go forward nonetheless.
One never succeeds in making big changes in one's ife without enduring some discomfort or stress in the process. It's learning to manage that stress that prepares one to receive the rewards of success, becoming strong enough to handle life on life's terms. Now, with our children, we are often less willing to allow life to happen on life's terms bringing with it necessary stresses. However, when we keep trying to avoid any stress or discomfort, we give our children the message that we think they are incapable of learning to manage the situation.
With conscious effort, we can feel alright about allowing our children to experience doses of stress; knowing that they serve a greater good like a goal in our children's learning and development. This is how children find out what they are capable of and grow self-confident in the process. For those who are watching a child experience difficulties, keeping your eye on the goal helps; that's why we focus on the celebration of the light as we go into the darkest days of the year. Yes, it is not easy to witness our children experience stress and discomfort but it is necessary.
I heard these inspiring words from Leonard Perlmutter in a yoga class not too long ago: "Stress and pain are shadows of the outstretched hand of the Divine Reality asking you to make a change that will help you fulfill the purpose of your life."
When we are consciously aware of changes in nature and how they affect us, we can help our children, many who are sensitive to these transitions. I've observed that during this season, children are often tired and unsettled because their experience of life is limited so they look to the adults to frame their experiences, to mirror back for them that everything is going to be alright. For all they know, maybe it will be dark everyday at 5:00 p.m. and summer will never return. Without knowing it, children might experience fear and manifest it by being a little crabby. What do we do when our children (given they are not getting sick) cry about putting on their coats, getting in the car or saying good-bye to parents who are leaving for work?
First, it makes sense to quickly check for signs of illness and if wellness is determined, then it's a good idea to acknowledge feelings. "Yes, that's a little uncomfortable, but we are going to wear our jackets on this blustery day. Let me help you put your arm in the sleeve". That's the thing about discomfort or stress, it's best to acknowledge it and to go forward with sensitivity, but if going forward is the best thing, to go forward nonetheless.
One never succeeds in making big changes in one's ife without enduring some discomfort or stress in the process. It's learning to manage that stress that prepares one to receive the rewards of success, becoming strong enough to handle life on life's terms. Now, with our children, we are often less willing to allow life to happen on life's terms bringing with it necessary stresses. However, when we keep trying to avoid any stress or discomfort, we give our children the message that we think they are incapable of learning to manage the situation.
With conscious effort, we can feel alright about allowing our children to experience doses of stress; knowing that they serve a greater good like a goal in our children's learning and development. This is how children find out what they are capable of and grow self-confident in the process. For those who are watching a child experience difficulties, keeping your eye on the goal helps; that's why we focus on the celebration of the light as we go into the darkest days of the year. Yes, it is not easy to witness our children experience stress and discomfort but it is necessary.
I heard these inspiring words from Leonard Perlmutter in a yoga class not too long ago: "Stress and pain are shadows of the outstretched hand of the Divine Reality asking you to make a change that will help you fulfill the purpose of your life."
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Conflict as a means to Growth
Most of us would have to admit that when we find ourselves surrounded by happy children, flowers and sunshine; we wish such a moment would never end. But then the children start to quarrel or we pick a flower that has thorns, the sun goes behind the clouds and maybe it even starts to rain. What do we do then?
The answer to that question makes all the difference. If we conclude, that the moment of conflict or strife should not be happening, we hinder our ability to address it. Let's face it, conflicts do happen and we are better off if we accept that fact and invest our energy into exploring productive ways to address conflict.
Barbara Ehrensafts writes "In human relationships, the act of reparation, making good on something that did not initially go well, is far better for character building than providing our children with a conflict-free, idyllic, 'perfect' childhood." But how do we address conflict in such a way that it becomes an opportunity for learning and growth?
Resources For Infant Educators (RIE) founder, Magda Gerber, encourages caregivers to learn to step back from intervening too soon and smoothing obstacles for our children. She says, "To respect your child is to create a little distance so that you refrain from interfering with her experience of encountering life...RIE's respectiful approach encourages a child's authenticity, or genuineness." Imagine that, allowing our children to experience bumps, obstacles, and conflicts in life, is respecting the child.
Children are immature social beings and engage in conflict as a normal behavior, due to their limited language skills and self-control. RIE educators, DA Ros and Kovach wrote an article called: "Assisting Toddlers and Caregivers during Conflict Resolutions: Interactions that promote Socialization". In that article, they cite examples as when a toddler wants something that is in the hands of another child and grabs it from him. Typical adult reactions are: to take away the toy that is causing the conflict, to sympathize with the child who had the toy taken away, to ignore the whole matter or to move in closer in order to observe the situation, how the children might resolve it themselves and be available should one child start to hit the other. I've seen masterful caregivers engage in the last option.
The caregiver's response is largely based on the caregiver's beliefs about conflict and its resolution, the caregiver's level of anxiety about toddlers and safety during conflict and the caregiver's choices concerning interventions in disputes. So if we can accept that conflict is normal, quell our anxiety about our child getting hurt and learn some conflict resolution tools, we will have choices available to us. Then we can respond rather than react to a situation and respect our child's ability to meet life.
Two sources for information about conflict resolution techniques are: Kim John Payne and Marshall B Rosenberg. Payne is a psychologist and former Waldorf teacher who lectures worldwide on parenting and education, recommending a more direct approach to conflicts among children of all ages. He encourages adults to engage with conflict rather than immediately separating chilren when they are arguing. In his lecture entitled "When Push comes to Love: How to Raise Civilized Children in an Uncivilized World", he recommends that by helping children work out conflicts, we give them a sense of who they are in relation to others. More of Payne's wisdom is available in his latest book, "Simplicity Parenting".
Marshall B. Rosenberg is known for his nonviolent communication techniques which are designed to strengthen our ability to remain open, human, authentic and responsive in the face of conflicts. Rosenberg, like all the above mentioned conflict resolution experts recommends that the way to peace is not to go away from conflict. It's not to try to manipulate or force solutions; it's to get close, listen and make choices from a non-violent or peaceful stance.
That peacefulness, you guessed it, begins witin each one of us and the trick is to sustain it, even in the face of conflict.
The answer to that question makes all the difference. If we conclude, that the moment of conflict or strife should not be happening, we hinder our ability to address it. Let's face it, conflicts do happen and we are better off if we accept that fact and invest our energy into exploring productive ways to address conflict.
Barbara Ehrensafts writes "In human relationships, the act of reparation, making good on something that did not initially go well, is far better for character building than providing our children with a conflict-free, idyllic, 'perfect' childhood." But how do we address conflict in such a way that it becomes an opportunity for learning and growth?
Resources For Infant Educators (RIE) founder, Magda Gerber, encourages caregivers to learn to step back from intervening too soon and smoothing obstacles for our children. She says, "To respect your child is to create a little distance so that you refrain from interfering with her experience of encountering life...RIE's respectiful approach encourages a child's authenticity, or genuineness." Imagine that, allowing our children to experience bumps, obstacles, and conflicts in life, is respecting the child.
Children are immature social beings and engage in conflict as a normal behavior, due to their limited language skills and self-control. RIE educators, DA Ros and Kovach wrote an article called: "Assisting Toddlers and Caregivers during Conflict Resolutions: Interactions that promote Socialization". In that article, they cite examples as when a toddler wants something that is in the hands of another child and grabs it from him. Typical adult reactions are: to take away the toy that is causing the conflict, to sympathize with the child who had the toy taken away, to ignore the whole matter or to move in closer in order to observe the situation, how the children might resolve it themselves and be available should one child start to hit the other. I've seen masterful caregivers engage in the last option.
The caregiver's response is largely based on the caregiver's beliefs about conflict and its resolution, the caregiver's level of anxiety about toddlers and safety during conflict and the caregiver's choices concerning interventions in disputes. So if we can accept that conflict is normal, quell our anxiety about our child getting hurt and learn some conflict resolution tools, we will have choices available to us. Then we can respond rather than react to a situation and respect our child's ability to meet life.
Two sources for information about conflict resolution techniques are: Kim John Payne and Marshall B Rosenberg. Payne is a psychologist and former Waldorf teacher who lectures worldwide on parenting and education, recommending a more direct approach to conflicts among children of all ages. He encourages adults to engage with conflict rather than immediately separating chilren when they are arguing. In his lecture entitled "When Push comes to Love: How to Raise Civilized Children in an Uncivilized World", he recommends that by helping children work out conflicts, we give them a sense of who they are in relation to others. More of Payne's wisdom is available in his latest book, "Simplicity Parenting".
Marshall B. Rosenberg is known for his nonviolent communication techniques which are designed to strengthen our ability to remain open, human, authentic and responsive in the face of conflicts. Rosenberg, like all the above mentioned conflict resolution experts recommends that the way to peace is not to go away from conflict. It's not to try to manipulate or force solutions; it's to get close, listen and make choices from a non-violent or peaceful stance.
That peacefulness, you guessed it, begins witin each one of us and the trick is to sustain it, even in the face of conflict.
Friday, September 24, 2010
Cultivating Hope
Underlying human adult endeavor, there must be a sense of hope that one's actions can make a difference. Without hope, the range of possibilities narrows and any risky endeavor or new learning tends to be avoided. Motivation decreases, cynicism grows and the spirit of "why bother?" prevails.
On the other hand, when hopeful that good things can and do happen, motivation tends to be high as well as confidence and positivity, fundamental qualitites for success. Children are innately hopeful unless burdened by adult problems and situations beyond their control. What can a child do about adult problems? They are not equipped to handle them yet so in order to allow a spirit of hopefulness to grow in children, we consciously shield them from the problems that adults face and present to them a picture that the world is good. This takes conscious effort on the part of adults - to avoid the news or dicussion of problems in the presence of the children.
When a child experiences an environment imbued with caring, joyfulness and peace as well a reassuringly steady rhythm, a child maintains a spirit of hopefulness. Just like the tender sapling must be protected from strong winds and frosts in order to grow into a healthy plant, the young child must be protected, too. Then when the child grows up and is physically, emotionally and mentally equipped to address adult problems, actions are then inspired by hopefulness. In this way, we cultivate adults prepared to make a difference, who remember how good the world can be and strive to make it better.
On the other hand, when hopeful that good things can and do happen, motivation tends to be high as well as confidence and positivity, fundamental qualitites for success. Children are innately hopeful unless burdened by adult problems and situations beyond their control. What can a child do about adult problems? They are not equipped to handle them yet so in order to allow a spirit of hopefulness to grow in children, we consciously shield them from the problems that adults face and present to them a picture that the world is good. This takes conscious effort on the part of adults - to avoid the news or dicussion of problems in the presence of the children.
When a child experiences an environment imbued with caring, joyfulness and peace as well a reassuringly steady rhythm, a child maintains a spirit of hopefulness. Just like the tender sapling must be protected from strong winds and frosts in order to grow into a healthy plant, the young child must be protected, too. Then when the child grows up and is physically, emotionally and mentally equipped to address adult problems, actions are then inspired by hopefulness. In this way, we cultivate adults prepared to make a difference, who remember how good the world can be and strive to make it better.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Organic Produce and Consciousness Dogs
In conversations lately, I have been reminded me of a few images that I have been thinking about while walking the dog, gardening or driving in my car. I'll share those images and then explain how they fit together with regards to parenting.
One is a picture of organic produce. It's not only healthier because it is not pesticide-laden, it's healthier because while fending off pests, it becomes more anti-oxidant rich. The value of organic produce comes not only from what is missing but from its increased nutritional value. Learning to face adversity strengthens the organism.
The second picture is one about two voices in our consciousness depicted as hungry dogs vying for food in the form of our attention. One dog feeds on fear, habits and negativity. The other feeds on love, possibility and hope. Which dogs grows in our consciousness? Simply said, it's the one we feed with our thoughts, consciously or not.
How do these images relate? Children experience bumps, bruises and conflicts while growing up, helping them become strong and resilient. While children experience challenges, the adults need to work to consciously choose responses. Do we feed the dog of fear and habit or do we feed the dog of possibility, of the value born of adversity? Positive affirmations give children the sense that they can come through whatever it is they are experiencing. When a child falls we can say, "That scrape hurts, let's clean it and put on some boo-boo cream. You are a quick healer, it'll be better soon."
If we react with fear on the other hand when a child gets scraped, we reinforce to the child that we do not trust their resiliency, we are not sure they can heal, that they can handle life's bumps. Since we can never protect children from all that will come and eventually, we won't be there with them, it's important to give children positive messages while they are young.
Choose the environment for your child carefully. Expect bumps and bruises. Affirm the child's strength when they experience physical or emotional discomfort.
Organic produce requires enough sun, water and good soil to be able to ward off pests. Children require much the same on the physical realm but they are also strongly influenced by the quality of our consciousness. Adults' sunny gaze (consciously chosen to reflect all is well) feeds children as does the good soil of healthy experiences, but passing showers and storms also have an impact in developing strong, capable and resilient children.
Think about organic produce when your child is learning to cope with pests and the two dogs in your consciousness when you are responding, feeding the dog of your choice rather than habit.
One is a picture of organic produce. It's not only healthier because it is not pesticide-laden, it's healthier because while fending off pests, it becomes more anti-oxidant rich. The value of organic produce comes not only from what is missing but from its increased nutritional value. Learning to face adversity strengthens the organism.
The second picture is one about two voices in our consciousness depicted as hungry dogs vying for food in the form of our attention. One dog feeds on fear, habits and negativity. The other feeds on love, possibility and hope. Which dogs grows in our consciousness? Simply said, it's the one we feed with our thoughts, consciously or not.
How do these images relate? Children experience bumps, bruises and conflicts while growing up, helping them become strong and resilient. While children experience challenges, the adults need to work to consciously choose responses. Do we feed the dog of fear and habit or do we feed the dog of possibility, of the value born of adversity? Positive affirmations give children the sense that they can come through whatever it is they are experiencing. When a child falls we can say, "That scrape hurts, let's clean it and put on some boo-boo cream. You are a quick healer, it'll be better soon."
If we react with fear on the other hand when a child gets scraped, we reinforce to the child that we do not trust their resiliency, we are not sure they can heal, that they can handle life's bumps. Since we can never protect children from all that will come and eventually, we won't be there with them, it's important to give children positive messages while they are young.
Choose the environment for your child carefully. Expect bumps and bruises. Affirm the child's strength when they experience physical or emotional discomfort.
Organic produce requires enough sun, water and good soil to be able to ward off pests. Children require much the same on the physical realm but they are also strongly influenced by the quality of our consciousness. Adults' sunny gaze (consciously chosen to reflect all is well) feeds children as does the good soil of healthy experiences, but passing showers and storms also have an impact in developing strong, capable and resilient children.
Think about organic produce when your child is learning to cope with pests and the two dogs in your consciousness when you are responding, feeding the dog of your choice rather than habit.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
The effects of Praising our Children
The other day during yoga class, my thoughts wandered away from the inner experience I was having (which is the point of yoga) into the realm of what the teacher thought about my postures. Did she think they were good, possibly better than others? It's embarrassing to admit this and I had to laugh at myself, but this awareness led me to think about dependency on external validation and where that comes from.
I think we all like to know that we are doing well and are appreciated for our work, and on the same token, praise cannot be the driving force behind our actions. When we do not seek or need approval, we are free to develop instrinsic motivation and strengthen a sense of satisfaction within ourselves; free from rising and falling according to external validation. This is the path to self-mastery - the highest objective of education that facilates the achievement of all other goals.
Rather than self mastery, praise takes us outside of ourselves and into the realm of external judgments, leading toward dependency and a weakening of the relationship to our selves. Have you ever noticed how frequently children hear "good job" these days? It's become a habit, the mantra of our children's lives and due to overuse, it has lost its meaning - to point out that something extraordinary has been achieved.
Think of the difference between hearing "good job" and an affirmative statement like, "Now the job is done" or "You have put on your shoes". "Good job" puts the focus on the child and the affirmative statement puts the focus on the work, allowing the child to appreciate what's been done rather than appreciating someone else's appreciation of them. Do you hear the difference?
It's a good idea to examine our habits every now and then, considering their effects and then make conscious choices. I'm grateful that my yoga teacher does not comment on my postures, feeding into any dependency on other's approval. Instead at the end of the class, she thanks us for sharing our practice. In that way, we are all validated for the work we have done together and any sense of accomplishment is based on having done the work rather than how well we have done it. We become observers of ourselves and can then make adjustments accordingly. This is not only validating but also strengthening.
As we walk the conscious parenting path, thank you for sharing this blog.
I think we all like to know that we are doing well and are appreciated for our work, and on the same token, praise cannot be the driving force behind our actions. When we do not seek or need approval, we are free to develop instrinsic motivation and strengthen a sense of satisfaction within ourselves; free from rising and falling according to external validation. This is the path to self-mastery - the highest objective of education that facilates the achievement of all other goals.
Rather than self mastery, praise takes us outside of ourselves and into the realm of external judgments, leading toward dependency and a weakening of the relationship to our selves. Have you ever noticed how frequently children hear "good job" these days? It's become a habit, the mantra of our children's lives and due to overuse, it has lost its meaning - to point out that something extraordinary has been achieved.
Think of the difference between hearing "good job" and an affirmative statement like, "Now the job is done" or "You have put on your shoes". "Good job" puts the focus on the child and the affirmative statement puts the focus on the work, allowing the child to appreciate what's been done rather than appreciating someone else's appreciation of them. Do you hear the difference?
It's a good idea to examine our habits every now and then, considering their effects and then make conscious choices. I'm grateful that my yoga teacher does not comment on my postures, feeding into any dependency on other's approval. Instead at the end of the class, she thanks us for sharing our practice. In that way, we are all validated for the work we have done together and any sense of accomplishment is based on having done the work rather than how well we have done it. We become observers of ourselves and can then make adjustments accordingly. This is not only validating but also strengthening.
As we walk the conscious parenting path, thank you for sharing this blog.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Intentional Mothering
I witness a lot of great mothering and in this month of Mother's Day, I've been thinking about what it takes to be a good mother.
There are two primary aspects of mothering that might seem at first contradictory. One is pulling the child close to us and the other involves letting the child go. For many, the nurturing part is the easiest and these mothers intuitively know how to hold, feed and soothe their infants. The challenging part of mothering often involves letting our children experience frustration, stepping back and watching so our children can learn and grow. Like the mama bird who pushes her babies our of the nest so they can learn to fly, the ultimate goal of mothering is to produce an independent human being in the end.
That's where the intentional part comes in. Intentional or conscious mothering involves remembering that the goal is independence and so making decisions that encourage strength and independence often born of frustration and then staying the course.
A few months ago, a family chose the Center for their young child so mom could go back to work part-time. She knew we offered what she wanted for her child and she also knew her child. He wants what he wants and most of the time, he wants his mother. However, she decided that it was ok for him to spend 12 hours a week away from his mother in a warm and nurturing environment.
She decided that she would allow him to experience the frustration of having his needs but not his wants met so he could become strong and independent. Of course, his cries touched her heart but did not diminish her resolve. She kept the goal in mind, gave him lots of love when they were together and let him have his morning cry. Eventually, he stopped crying and when we did, the sight of his smile is like a ray of golden sunshine beaming from his confident little self.
I told this mother that if we had a mother of the year award, we would give it to her. She mothers with instinctual nurturing as well as consciously allowing her son to separate from her in order to make steps toward independence. That selflessness is at the core of intentional mothering and it takes a lot of heart and a clear head.
What a joy to witness and a model to learn from!
There are two primary aspects of mothering that might seem at first contradictory. One is pulling the child close to us and the other involves letting the child go. For many, the nurturing part is the easiest and these mothers intuitively know how to hold, feed and soothe their infants. The challenging part of mothering often involves letting our children experience frustration, stepping back and watching so our children can learn and grow. Like the mama bird who pushes her babies our of the nest so they can learn to fly, the ultimate goal of mothering is to produce an independent human being in the end.
That's where the intentional part comes in. Intentional or conscious mothering involves remembering that the goal is independence and so making decisions that encourage strength and independence often born of frustration and then staying the course.
A few months ago, a family chose the Center for their young child so mom could go back to work part-time. She knew we offered what she wanted for her child and she also knew her child. He wants what he wants and most of the time, he wants his mother. However, she decided that it was ok for him to spend 12 hours a week away from his mother in a warm and nurturing environment.
She decided that she would allow him to experience the frustration of having his needs but not his wants met so he could become strong and independent. Of course, his cries touched her heart but did not diminish her resolve. She kept the goal in mind, gave him lots of love when they were together and let him have his morning cry. Eventually, he stopped crying and when we did, the sight of his smile is like a ray of golden sunshine beaming from his confident little self.
I told this mother that if we had a mother of the year award, we would give it to her. She mothers with instinctual nurturing as well as consciously allowing her son to separate from her in order to make steps toward independence. That selflessness is at the core of intentional mothering and it takes a lot of heart and a clear head.
What a joy to witness and a model to learn from!
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Can too much Sympathy weaken a Child's will forces?
I make dinner every week night because it's good for my family's healthy, the environment and the local food producers and markets. These are the things that I bear in mind to motivate myself even when I don't feel like cooking. I've observed that my motivation is closely linked to what I tell myself. If I engage in thinking that it's a big chore to buy groceries, create balanced menus and cook meals, it becomes difficult to complete this task and I might entertain thoughts about the values of take-out food.
Do you see where I am going? My thoughts about any task at hand can serve to inspire or weaken my resolve. It's up to me to choose them carefully. The same holds true for our children whose thoughts echo our words. I've heard (and have been there done that) well meaning parents speak to their child with a lot of sympathy, expressing sentiments along these lines: I know it is hard to be away from your mother, or eat your lunch, or put on your sweater. Then the child's will forces engage to resist the task at hand rather than work with us to get it done and our original thought (that it might be a difficult task) is reinforced.
Unwittingly, we sabotage our objectives with too much sympathy. We so love our children and want to do what is right by them that we can give them what they want instead of what they need. Consider your words carefully and as important, the sentiments that you are holding behind them. If the task is too much to ask your child then why ask it of him or her? However, if you have decided that it is an appropriate (or possibly necessary) request, there is no need to be conflicted about it. It's cold and we are going to wear our coats today.
Speak in positive affirmative statements. We are putting on our coats now. One arm and then the other. Let's find your hand! It's ever amusing to put your arm into a coatsleeve and then see your hand come out the other side. Be playful but focused on the task. It is your resolve, your focus and your affirmative statements that give your child the strength of will to work together with you to accomplish the deed.
Refrain from being overly sympathetic or sentimental about your child's experiences. Yes, children are small, vulnerable and have a lot to learn. Life is demanding and there are moments (for example,a boo-boo) when sympathy is appropriate, but dole it out consciously. Overall children can meet the challenges that come up. They are capable of learning to cope and doing what needs to be done.
Don't take my word for this, but conduct an experiment of your own. The next time you are about to do a routine life task (e.e. making dinner) tell your self how hard it is and feel sorry for yourself for having to do it. Then notice what happens to your motivation. Try another time to tell yourself what a noble deed it is to cook and how the energy of the cook affects the food and its overall energetic value and how much you value having enough energy to do what you want to do.
If you notice the affect of sympathy vs. resolve in your self, pay attention to what you are communicating to your child and consider that by being overly sympathetic, you might be inadvertently weakening your child's will forces.
Do you see where I am going? My thoughts about any task at hand can serve to inspire or weaken my resolve. It's up to me to choose them carefully. The same holds true for our children whose thoughts echo our words. I've heard (and have been there done that) well meaning parents speak to their child with a lot of sympathy, expressing sentiments along these lines: I know it is hard to be away from your mother, or eat your lunch, or put on your sweater. Then the child's will forces engage to resist the task at hand rather than work with us to get it done and our original thought (that it might be a difficult task) is reinforced.
Unwittingly, we sabotage our objectives with too much sympathy. We so love our children and want to do what is right by them that we can give them what they want instead of what they need. Consider your words carefully and as important, the sentiments that you are holding behind them. If the task is too much to ask your child then why ask it of him or her? However, if you have decided that it is an appropriate (or possibly necessary) request, there is no need to be conflicted about it. It's cold and we are going to wear our coats today.
Speak in positive affirmative statements. We are putting on our coats now. One arm and then the other. Let's find your hand! It's ever amusing to put your arm into a coatsleeve and then see your hand come out the other side. Be playful but focused on the task. It is your resolve, your focus and your affirmative statements that give your child the strength of will to work together with you to accomplish the deed.
Refrain from being overly sympathetic or sentimental about your child's experiences. Yes, children are small, vulnerable and have a lot to learn. Life is demanding and there are moments (for example,a boo-boo) when sympathy is appropriate, but dole it out consciously. Overall children can meet the challenges that come up. They are capable of learning to cope and doing what needs to be done.
Don't take my word for this, but conduct an experiment of your own. The next time you are about to do a routine life task (e.e. making dinner) tell your self how hard it is and feel sorry for yourself for having to do it. Then notice what happens to your motivation. Try another time to tell yourself what a noble deed it is to cook and how the energy of the cook affects the food and its overall energetic value and how much you value having enough energy to do what you want to do.
If you notice the affect of sympathy vs. resolve in your self, pay attention to what you are communicating to your child and consider that by being overly sympathetic, you might be inadvertently weakening your child's will forces.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
The "Doing" aspect of Talent and Intelligence
Last Sunday, I read a review of a book called: The Genius in All of Us: Why Everything You've been Told about Genetics, Talent and IQ is Wrong. In it, David Shenk makes a strong case for the reciprocity of the nature vs. nurture equation, suggesting that nature is dynamic and responds to nurturing. He posits that genes are not the blueprint for a human being that we once thought they were. Talent is not a "gift" that we are given (or not), it's rather something that is cultivated based on what we do. Talent or exceptional ability is not connected to innate capabilities alone, it is the product of highly concentrated effort.
Brain wiring is the result of our actions; for example, if we spend our time playing the violin, we have a brain wired for violin playing or if we spend a lot of time watching television, our brain is also wired for that activity, in other words, what we do affects what we become. To that end, it's important to engage children in constructive activities that might be difficult for them and to step back when children struggle so the child learns how to learn, learns that failure is a part of the process. It is key, however, that the activity is age-appropriate, one that the child is developmentally capable of learning.
Each aspect of our humanity has an optimal window for development. The time to be an active participant in life, the time to train the will forces is early childhood. It's when children need a curriculum that is rhythmic, consistent and activity-oriented. To train the will forces is to teach self-discipline, which is a prerequisite for success in anything, even more so than talent if you agree with Shenk.
This outlook turns old ideas of genius upside down and supports the importance of training, of parenting, of appropriate teaching. My child is "gifted" is not enough (perhaps it even thwarts development by downplaying the importance of consistent practice), it's better to celebrate that my child does something regularly. It begins with simple tasks that are repeated to gain proficiency, for example setting the table, building with blocks and then putting them away, or washing a dish. The reviewer suggests that talent is not a thing, but a process, not something we have, but something we do.
You'd be amazed at what I see small children do every day. They are so capable! By participating in every day tasks, they are strengthening the muscle for deeds, for practicing their talents and it's practice that leads to greatness. I am relieved that Shenk suggests an end to the conflict between nature and nurture and we can now speak about the interaction between nature and nurture.
What a golden opportunity we have in early childhood to teach young children to do what needs to be done; now that's a gift.
Brain wiring is the result of our actions; for example, if we spend our time playing the violin, we have a brain wired for violin playing or if we spend a lot of time watching television, our brain is also wired for that activity, in other words, what we do affects what we become. To that end, it's important to engage children in constructive activities that might be difficult for them and to step back when children struggle so the child learns how to learn, learns that failure is a part of the process. It is key, however, that the activity is age-appropriate, one that the child is developmentally capable of learning.
Each aspect of our humanity has an optimal window for development. The time to be an active participant in life, the time to train the will forces is early childhood. It's when children need a curriculum that is rhythmic, consistent and activity-oriented. To train the will forces is to teach self-discipline, which is a prerequisite for success in anything, even more so than talent if you agree with Shenk.
This outlook turns old ideas of genius upside down and supports the importance of training, of parenting, of appropriate teaching. My child is "gifted" is not enough (perhaps it even thwarts development by downplaying the importance of consistent practice), it's better to celebrate that my child does something regularly. It begins with simple tasks that are repeated to gain proficiency, for example setting the table, building with blocks and then putting them away, or washing a dish. The reviewer suggests that talent is not a thing, but a process, not something we have, but something we do.
You'd be amazed at what I see small children do every day. They are so capable! By participating in every day tasks, they are strengthening the muscle for deeds, for practicing their talents and it's practice that leads to greatness. I am relieved that Shenk suggests an end to the conflict between nature and nurture and we can now speak about the interaction between nature and nurture.
What a golden opportunity we have in early childhood to teach young children to do what needs to be done; now that's a gift.
Friday, February 19, 2010
A Culture of Care
Since the idea of the Rose Garden Early Childhood Center began growing in a group of people, we have discussed the concept of creating a culture of care. We imagined what it would look and feel like to be in such an environment and how essential it would be to extend the circle of care to include not only the children but everyone -teachers, parents, visitors, our Center "home" and the greater environment.
In this way, our care for the children would be authentic. Children have a nose for authenticity; they intuitively recognize truth. If we were to care for the children well but then avoid a colleague in need or even fail to greet the postman delivering a package, we would ultimately compromise the children's care. We would disturb the flow of caring energy that would then make it more difficult for us to do our work.
We were convinced that a culture of care would not only improve the quality of our work, it would feed the caregivers as well. For care to flow out into our work, we must first fill ourselves up so that it overflows from us and then like a fountain, pools at our feet, available to us to energize our heads, hearts and hands. It must be a full circle of care to be truly effective.
I knew we would be testing this theory when we opened the Center last fall and began the practice of providing child care and preschool programs. There have been moments since then when I have noticed: Yes, this is care in action. This is how it feels. This is what we were going for and it brings me great joy. The following are a few of these moments when the culture of care has made itself known in this circle of women caring for children together, caring for each other and caring for the Center we have created.
One afternoon, a few women were in the kitchen working and chatting when a teacher showed us a rash on her child's torso and said what she suspected it was, wondering what our thoughts were. We looked at the child and offered that it might be a childhood illness. The teacher took her child home, called the Doctor and then made arrangements to keep him home the next day. She asked another teacher to sub for her in the afternoon and I serendipitously came across information that confirmed the diagnosis we had suspected. Our Assistant Director notifified all the parents. Within twenty-four hours, it was handled. Everyone played a role, noone was reactive or overtaxed by this unexpected occurrence; we were all within the circle of care, a place of support and cooperative responsibility.
Another time, I was feeling sick and a teacher suggested I go home and take care. The Assistant Director told me, "you know you can always get a sub for yourself". Yes, I was also included in this circle; having the Center held by a circle of caring women means we can each step in or step back when it is needed. Ultimately, we want everyone to feel cared for and healthy because from this place, our best work flows.
Now it has become a habit that if someone is in need, we offer what we are able to give from our hearts. We have committed to caring for each other and noone has taken advantage of that offering but of course we are imperfect, so sometimes we make mistakes. If we are uncomfortable with what we have said or done, we clean it up and that is also a part of the practice of caring.
What does a culture of care look like? Everyday, I see smiles, hear words of gratitude and feel deeply satisfied knowing the children are being authentically well cared for. What's more, the caregivers can also give and receive care so that we have something left at the end of the day and are filled up each morning when we gather again in our circle.
In this way, our care for the children would be authentic. Children have a nose for authenticity; they intuitively recognize truth. If we were to care for the children well but then avoid a colleague in need or even fail to greet the postman delivering a package, we would ultimately compromise the children's care. We would disturb the flow of caring energy that would then make it more difficult for us to do our work.
We were convinced that a culture of care would not only improve the quality of our work, it would feed the caregivers as well. For care to flow out into our work, we must first fill ourselves up so that it overflows from us and then like a fountain, pools at our feet, available to us to energize our heads, hearts and hands. It must be a full circle of care to be truly effective.
I knew we would be testing this theory when we opened the Center last fall and began the practice of providing child care and preschool programs. There have been moments since then when I have noticed: Yes, this is care in action. This is how it feels. This is what we were going for and it brings me great joy. The following are a few of these moments when the culture of care has made itself known in this circle of women caring for children together, caring for each other and caring for the Center we have created.
One afternoon, a few women were in the kitchen working and chatting when a teacher showed us a rash on her child's torso and said what she suspected it was, wondering what our thoughts were. We looked at the child and offered that it might be a childhood illness. The teacher took her child home, called the Doctor and then made arrangements to keep him home the next day. She asked another teacher to sub for her in the afternoon and I serendipitously came across information that confirmed the diagnosis we had suspected. Our Assistant Director notifified all the parents. Within twenty-four hours, it was handled. Everyone played a role, noone was reactive or overtaxed by this unexpected occurrence; we were all within the circle of care, a place of support and cooperative responsibility.
Another time, I was feeling sick and a teacher suggested I go home and take care. The Assistant Director told me, "you know you can always get a sub for yourself". Yes, I was also included in this circle; having the Center held by a circle of caring women means we can each step in or step back when it is needed. Ultimately, we want everyone to feel cared for and healthy because from this place, our best work flows.
Now it has become a habit that if someone is in need, we offer what we are able to give from our hearts. We have committed to caring for each other and noone has taken advantage of that offering but of course we are imperfect, so sometimes we make mistakes. If we are uncomfortable with what we have said or done, we clean it up and that is also a part of the practice of caring.
What does a culture of care look like? Everyday, I see smiles, hear words of gratitude and feel deeply satisfied knowing the children are being authentically well cared for. What's more, the caregivers can also give and receive care so that we have something left at the end of the day and are filled up each morning when we gather again in our circle.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Destiny Has it's Say
I've written about finding elderly care for my mother since dementia has diminished her capability to manage day-to-day living in her own home. Once her adult children found a suitable assisted living situation, sorted out the insurance component, packed up her things and moved her into her new apartment, we watched to see how she would adjust. Fortunately, she did not resist our decision although it was a choice made not by her but by her eight children with her best interests in mind because on some level, she is still thinking of us and she wants what is best for us during this time of caretaking role-reversal.
Her apartment has a lovely view, her furniture fits well in it and the quality of care she receives is excellent, but my mother is a very social person. She built her life around relationships with family, neighbors and friends and we wondered if she was up to starting over by making new friends. In her new place, family and old friends continued to visit but for meal and activity-times, she needed to find her way into this new social arena on her own. That was key to her success and not something we could orchestrate like we had managed to handle the rest of her needs.
I was delighted to visit my mother a few days after her move and to find her in the dining room with a new/old friend. It turns out that at the same time my mother moved into her new apartment, a childhood friend also moved into an apartment there. Having grown up together in a small town in the Genesee River Valley, they had seen little of each other over the past seven decades or more. Although short term memory decreases with dementia, longterm memories stay strong and they had no trouble reclaiming their small town/childhood bond.
Since they moved in about the same time, they were were both in need of integrating into the greater community. This was made easier by teaming up with an old friend to share meals, stories, photos and activities with. Together they found their way. Who could have orchestrated such a moment? Not me even along with my seven siblings, that's for sure.
When I was student teaching, a college professor told me "do my best and forget the rest". A aimple rhyme, it is also wise. For destiny, providence or karma; call it what you will, it does have its say and although there are matters we can take charge of, there are those that are outside of our control. Our efforts can only take us so far and the rest, the results of our actions are worked out in a realm beyond us. In the face of such fortunate results, having diligently doing our best, I can think of two words that apply, words our mother taught us.
Thank you.
Her apartment has a lovely view, her furniture fits well in it and the quality of care she receives is excellent, but my mother is a very social person. She built her life around relationships with family, neighbors and friends and we wondered if she was up to starting over by making new friends. In her new place, family and old friends continued to visit but for meal and activity-times, she needed to find her way into this new social arena on her own. That was key to her success and not something we could orchestrate like we had managed to handle the rest of her needs.
I was delighted to visit my mother a few days after her move and to find her in the dining room with a new/old friend. It turns out that at the same time my mother moved into her new apartment, a childhood friend also moved into an apartment there. Having grown up together in a small town in the Genesee River Valley, they had seen little of each other over the past seven decades or more. Although short term memory decreases with dementia, longterm memories stay strong and they had no trouble reclaiming their small town/childhood bond.
Since they moved in about the same time, they were were both in need of integrating into the greater community. This was made easier by teaming up with an old friend to share meals, stories, photos and activities with. Together they found their way. Who could have orchestrated such a moment? Not me even along with my seven siblings, that's for sure.
When I was student teaching, a college professor told me "do my best and forget the rest". A aimple rhyme, it is also wise. For destiny, providence or karma; call it what you will, it does have its say and although there are matters we can take charge of, there are those that are outside of our control. Our efforts can only take us so far and the rest, the results of our actions are worked out in a realm beyond us. In the face of such fortunate results, having diligently doing our best, I can think of two words that apply, words our mother taught us.
Thank you.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)