A Dream that Came True

Over the last four years, a dedicated, hard-working and warm-hearted group of people came together to birth and nurture the Rose Garden Early Childhood Center. Before we had a name, teachers or a building, we had a vision, a clearly defined dream. Although people came and went, the vision, that vivid shared dream sustained us. Today, we have an advisory board, teachers, and an active handworks group as well as other vital relationships woven together around this new Center.

When the advisory board came together last week for our montly meeting; it involved a holiday celebration as well as a year's end review. In order to focus and organize this review, we asked specific questions connected to the elements of earth, water, air and fire (an exercise found in an issue of Lilipoh Magazine from December of year's past). Through these questions and the answers we shared, we created a picture of the developing Center. You might find these questions useful for your personal year's end review.

Earth: What did I complete in the last year?
Water: How did life unfold?
Air: What meaning and purpose in relationships came into my life?
Fire: How was my individuality and spirit expressed?

Through this exercise with the advisory board, we collectively claimed our experience, taking time to notice how blessed we have been. For all those who have participated in this process in any way, we are profoundly grateful and as our Center grows (and it is growing) we see its purpose fulfilled and we look forward to joyfully serving families in Buffalo for years to come.

None of us who shared this experience will ever underestimate the power of a dream, a dream held by a group; a group of people with strong hearts, helping hands and open, facile minds. Many thanks to all of you and best wishes for the new year!

Waning and Waxing Will Forces

I visited an assisted living center yesterday to view an apartment for my elderly mother. When I heard myself asking certain questions, I realized that I have heard those same questions from parents seeking child care. The questions included:

Will she see the same faces so she can build relationships or will there be different ones all the time?
Will they treat her with respect and understanding for the common symptoms of aging including poor memory, incontinence and embarrassment about those symptoms?
Will they encourage her to participate in activities and to eat meals even though she might say she prefers to stay in her room (knowing once she goes, she will enjoy herself)?
Is the food nourishing and carefully prepared?
Will her physical needs be addressed regarding both her body and her environment; so they are kept clean and well-cared for?
Will they meet her wherever she is and observe her carefully to notice changes that would indicate modifications in her care plan?

Yes, young children and the elderly are similar populations in that they are vulnerable and they require sensitive and consistent care by people who understand their needs. There is one major difference however; while the will forces in the elderly are waning, in the young child, they are waxing. Therefore, we can step in to help the elderly when they are unable to do something because a lifetime of experience has already taught them gratitude, patience and moderation (or not) but in other words, their character has been formed.

With the young child, the same level of attentiveness could lead to poor results in that opportunities to develop character might be missed. We must consider carefully, if we should step back and let the child struggle a little in order to learn a new skill. When we withdraw our attentiveness to the growing child, the child increases his or hers and then learns how to learn, for learning involves trial and error, falling and getting up and being uncomfortable at times. If we can step back and allow our children a reasonable amount of struggle, their growing will forces will be complemented by character traits like patience, gratitude and the ability to withstand some discomfort in order to learn and grow.

In many ways with the elderly, we cannot overdo it, and often it's the case that they would not let us. With young children on the other hand, we run the risk of overdoing it so we have to watch ourselves in order to allow them to become capable learners and to grow strong in character so their strong will forces may be well employed.

I came across this quote attributed to Goethe, but I did not check the source. Nonethless, it is as true today as it was in Goethe's time. "Too many parents make life hard for their children by trying too zealously to make life easy for them".

Why it's Easier to be a Teacher than a Parent

Having both observed and experienced the joys and challenges of parenting as well as teaching, I've concluded that it's easier to be a teacher. When life administers its bumps to our children, which it does, I am happy to respond with compassion and objectivity to the children I have taught. When life does the same for my own child, it's harder to keep that balance and compassion can turn into sympathy which ultimately weakens the child. For in the child's mind, if mom finds this difficulty so hard to manage, how can I ever get through it? The child is burdened by too much emotion coming from the parent and parents struggle with reining in their emotions regarding their children.

That's where the call to consciousness in parenting is most evident since until parenting, we have perhaps not yet been asked to manage our emotions so carefully, except perhaps at work. While teaching, it's clear that we are doing a service and we don our best self to administer that service well. It's possible to achieve that when we work around eight hours a day and there are social mores in place. Parenting is an around-the-clock job done at home where we might be accumstomed to giving our emotions more free rein. In addition, it's a job that we receive no training for and the books don't teach us what is really important; that comes only with experience.

As a teacher, I've always told parents that our emotions are the trump card. In other words if we do everything "right" but we are emtionally distraught while doing it, the value is diminished. Instead of being perfect, we might serve our children better by finding our faith, confidence, joy and general sense that all shall be well no matter what comes. When we mirror that for our children, we are like the sun that shines on us everyday reflecting warmth, our children soak it up and become strong.

So rather than trying to do it all and becoming stressed in the process, set up a simple rhythmic lifestyle for your family and then dig deep so your soul can sing while you're doing it. If you need to work fulltime, then work. If you need to go out with women friends to feed your soul, then do it. If you need to ignore the kitchen floor that needs scrubbing so you can take a walk on a beautiful autumn day and savor the colors of the trees, then do it.

That's what early childhood teachers do; they savor the moment and in this way, they join the children in their sacred space. Strong emotions, adult conversations, paying bills all happen when the children are not around. In their presence, we observe with objectivity and respond with an open compassionate heart, knowing that too much emotion is more than a young child can bear. By practicing this way of being, a habit develops, we train ourselves in a way of thinking that brings emotional balance.

That's why it is easier to be a teacher than a parent. We receive training and social support. Come to think of it though, parents are teachers. Do you remember the book, You are Your Child's First Teacher by Rahima Baldwin? I guess the lines in these roles are blurred but I think the message is the same.

Reverence for the Young Child

Rudolf Steiner, the founder of Waldorf education, in speaking to educators said "Receive the children in reverence; educate them in love; let them go forth in freedom."

What does it mean to receive a child in reverence? Most people intuitively do this by slowing down to look at a baby, speaking softly and gesturing gently. There is a sense of wonder and awe that surrounds a newborn no doubt about that. According to Wordsworth, they are "trailing clouds of glory". It's as if the heavens have opened up and given us a gift when a child is born. With time, the child grows, begins to walk and talk. Then there are times when he or she does what we want him or her to do and other times when he or she does not and we experience challenges.

However the child in the first seven years is still in an early phase of life and we are in the welcoming or receiving gesture as adults. Although the growing child asks for guidance and consciousness from us, still we have a sense of reverence toward this new being that has come into our lives. That's what early childhood education is about.

I have observed recently firstborns are indeed received with reverence and parents tend to exercise great care for that child's upbringing, yet there can be a great deal of concern about the impact of a second child on the first one. From one generation to the next, it's seems that there's been a paradigm shift about siblings.

When I was growing up, I had a new sibling every few years until I was fourteen-years-old and the eighth and last child was born. Although the first sibling came only a year after me and possibly I was "dethroned" a little early, I am convinced that having a best friend for life is a greater benefit than the price I paid for her showing up early. The general sense was that a new sibling was a blessing and we were grateful.

I'll never forget when my youngest sister was born (after two brothers came and several years went by and we didn't think there would be any more children), we would come home from school and stand around her crib just gazing at her. Those were special moments for the bigger children and in spite of our ages, even the adolescents felt embraced by that little piece of heaven in our home.

I'm wondering when getting a sibling became such a great challenge. I often hear today that parents worry about the impact of a sibling on the firstborn as if the new child is a burden. Is it possible to substitute blessing for burden and to imagine that the older child and the whole family has been gifted and although challenges lie ahead as they always do, we can choose to emphasize the blessings? Receiving a child with reverence is not exclusive; I think it touches all those in its presence.

An Introduction to the Four Temperaments

There are four seasons of the year, four elements (earth, fire, water and air) and four basic temperaments present in human beings. Hippocrates identified them to better understand individual differences and how they affect the way people respond to healing treatments. It behooves educators and parents to know something about them in order to understand and meet the needs of our children. It also helps us in the lifelong endeavor of understanding ourselves and our relationships with others.

I will introduce you to the temperaments and suggest if you are interested in learning more, to look into Steiner books or the Anthroposophic Press for a selection of reading material on the topic. Waldorf teachers use this information to adapt their lessons for the children they teach as well as to enhance their understanding of the people they encounter. With the thumbnail sketch that I am providing, it could be possible to oversimplify the temperaments, when in reality, human beings are full of nuances. Let this picture be a beginning of your understanding, something to build on.

The four temperaments are: choleric, melancholic, phlegmatic and sanguine. Of course, each temperament can be in balance or not and how we perceive them varies greatly depending on whether or not there is balance. Temperaments are not good or bad and with maturity and self-development, we strive to have some of each temperament to become whole. Children on the other hand, tend to exhibit strongly more of one temperament and so we can easily perceive their strengths and what needs to be strengthened or balanced. There is also a time in our lives when each of the temperaments is most strongly respresented; for example, childhood is a time of sanguinity and so even a child with a choleric temperament will have a strong sanguine component in childhood.

The choleric temperament is marked by passion and they can be great leaders or if inbalanced, dictators. The choleric temperament is represented by fire and the season of summer. Cholerics are action-oriented and like to get things done, applying a great deal of energy and heart to achieving, often looking for challenges. A child with a choleric temperament has a strong will and is usually quite active; they tend to be extroverted. Typically in a person's life, the time when choleric tendencies are most present is in youth.

If the choleric is associated with action and the summer, melancholics are associated with deep thinking, the earth and the season of autumn. They can be very compassionate and so great humanitarians if they do not get stuck in self-pity and over subjectivity. Melancholics have a rich inner life and are usually introverted. Young children who have a melancholic temperament tend to pay a lot of attention to physical and emotional hurts and can be brooding. They can also spend a lot of time playing quietly by themselves. Overall, humans tend to become more melancholic when they reach maturity, thinking things through more deeply and keeping an eye out for injustices.

When considering the phelgmatic, think about the season of winter and the element of water. The phlegmatic enjoys comfort and the child with a phlegmatic temperament is also happy to sit and play quietly and he/she loves to eat and sleep. They tend to be introverted and very perceptive. Routines are very important for the phelgmatic and they are usually even-tempered, although they can be very stubborn if pushed. The time of life that has is phlegmatic overall, is old age. Sometimes we meet young children that remind of of old people in young peoples' bodies; they usually have a phelgmatic temperament.

Finally, there is the sanguine temperament which is connected to the season of springtime and the element of air. Think of a butterfly flitting about from one flower to another and you will have a picture of the sanguine temperament. There is a tendency to be fun-loving,to let go of things easily and to like change and diversity. Although the sanguine person can be very caring, if imbalanced, they can be superficial.

Finally, to demonstrate the differences in the four temperaments (again, in an oversimplified way for the sake of education), let's consider how each temperament would face an obstacle, like a log in the middle of the path he/she is hiking along. The choleric would probably quickly remove the log, the phlegmatic would go around it, the melancholic would sit down on it and think about the best way to move it before doing anything and the sanguine would probably jump over it and then perhaps turn around and jump again, making a game of it.

We need all the temperaments for each brings something valuable to the whole world. The more we recognize our own temperament and learn to balance it, the more we can tolerate and appreciate the temperaments of others.

Buildings are Beings

I've been married to an architect for a long time. When we were in the years of raising young children, we divided up the work so that he did the lion's share of business outside the home and I did the lion's share of child-rearing. That was our arrangement and sometimes it seemed like our "worlds" were miles apart, so distant from each other that we had little in common as far as our work goes.

I've discovered if I remain open, concepts continue to evolve and things are not always as I once thought they were. Architecture and education (whether in the home or in the classroom) are not so different after all. Buildings are beings and in that way, they are like children and architecture like child education. These are some of the likenesses I have found.

Both buildings and children have fixed aspects that you have to work with and things you can change, that are more flexible. It takes a village to raise them, maintain them and if needed, change or renovate them. They are prone to influences from the outside as well as from the inside. The strength of the inside dictates to what extent outside influences will impact them.

It's always best to start with a good foundation and work up from there. A good, solid foundation will allow a building and a human being to live long and live healthy, reinventing itself as it goes along.

Since we're been renovating the building at 257 Lafayette, my interest in architecture has been piqued and I'm intrigued by the process, even though the building's quirks and especially its individual timetable have made me lose sleep at times. Although eager to see the end result, I have to temper my enthusiasm with letting go and not to force things to go my way but step back and let them go the way they will go, with the support of many trusted helpers who have the building's best interest at heart. Does this sound familiar to any of you parents?

Before my husband and I move our businesses into the same building, I'm glad to discover that our "worlds" are not so far away after all.

Practical Solutions

I've noticed a tendency to overthink which is prevalent these days and leads to turning molehills into mountains. In my experience, however, many things are easier to do than they are to think about. Too much thinking creates nervousness, a sign that it's time for action rather than rumination even if the action is just a head-clearing walk around the block.

Why are we prone to so much thinking? I suppose it comes from fear of doing the wrong thing, so the motivation is good. Like most things, it's a matter of balance, it's a good thing that's taken too far.

I've been receiving a lot of interesting articles lately about finding a new balance in parenting and the end of "helicopter parenting". Being prone to overthinking myself, I've decided to take the time to ground this concept before writing about it. I began by looking for role models and will write about one today.

We were in Germany for my father-in-law's funeral last week so we've all been reminiscing a lot about him and his life. His 95 years were marked by several things, including excellent health, joie de vivre and his remarkably strong will forces. I've read that the faculties we develop in early childhood are the last to go. Even in his elderly years, after retiring at 80, he recorded every thing he did each day and kept his affairs and household in order, and by doing so, maintained limber mental faculties and a strong life force.

His life was a testament to keeping it simple (the opposite of overthinking things), and we observed him make a decision, then stick by it with consistent action. Clarity and consistency paid off in his life and he achieved great success in business and relationships, leaving this life with his affairs in order.

As far as parenting young children, this is a reminder that the framework we provide for our young children serves them for their lifetimes and is their mainstay in old age when other faculties start fading. Now, instead of letting this be a reason to overthink what is the right thing for our children, try keeping it simple by focusing on the moment. Children need consistent (not rigid) rhythms, repetition (doing things overall in the same way each day) and reverence or deep respect that is best bestowed by being totally present, listening and observing. without getting lost in ruminations.

Decide what you want to do and then follow through with clarity and consistency. While doing, think less, speak less, be more present and enjoy what you are doing while you're doing it.

This simple wisdom makes for healthy homelife and strong children even into their old age.

"Real" work and its effect on Young Children

I just finished reading Little Heathens by Mildred Armstrong Kalish. It's the story of her days growing up on a farm in Iowa where they made everything from scratch. According to her description, she not only survived but truly thrived in that atmosphere of industry and goodness.

In the book, I learned recipes like the one for carrot marmalade,how to make soap as well as antedotes to bee stings and much more. A lot of this folk wisdom, Kalish laments, is not being passed down to the next generation. She also noted that some of the character traits she acquired are not being actively taught anymore, since they are not required as much in our modern lives with all the conveniences.

Allow me to share Kalish's concluding paragraph:
"Now, how to conclude my story without making comments that will probably
seem sappy about the virtues of resourcefulness, dedication, hard work,
discipline, creativity, and goodwill? Isn't it perfectly obvious to all that those early childhood experiences, under those special conditions with those particular relatives on that Iowa farm, prepared me for the modestly successful, hugely satisfying, truly blessed life that has been my lot? I shall always be grateful."

I couldn't help but think about Waldorf Early Childhood Education when I was reading this book. It was "real" work that made Kalish feel important as a child. She was able to participate in making life happen on the farm. Children, depending on their age of course, were a part of day-to-day life, not sheltered, entertained or in any way separate from what was "real" and important. Yes, they were protected from foul language and premature information, but otherwise, they were included.

That's what we do in our Waldorf early childhood classrooms. Children help to prepare the snack, set the table, wash the dishes and clean the room. Adults in their presence are engaged in work that the children can imitate in their play. It's not becuase the adults could not do the work alone, but we engage the children so they can learn through active participation. It's satisfying, it builds self-esteem and serves their development.

As a matter of fact, when I feel out of sorts, few things set me right more than gardening, housecleaning or other chores. They are grounding to me, so I can imagine what they give young children while they are developing their physical bodies and their senses. By the way, Kalish did leave the farm and went on to be an English professor and lived in metropolitan areas. Those early childhood experiences, however, gave her the solid ground that supported her throughout her life. What ground are we giving our children to stand on?

Children and Flowers

"Having children is like planting seeds from an unmarked packet. You vaguely believe you'll get daisies, but instead you get roses, morning glories, iris...all wonderful and beautiful, like you."
- anonymous

Being that its summer and we are working daily to open this early childhood center. flowers and children are a big focus of mine. How lucky am I, because I love them both! With my garden, I enjoy planting, weeding, and picking a bouquet of flowers to bring inside. When I pick a bouquet, I like to mix flowers with aromatic herbs like peppermint and even a few weeds.

Aren't weeds just plants we haven't found a use for yet? Or are they the right thing in the wrong place? Dandelions for instance are very useful and farmers grow them to sell the greens. Besides the edible leaves, the roots can be used to make a tincture that aids in liver functioning and digestion, but also the flowers can be made into crowns or necklaces. Finally, the puffball of seeds can be blown to scatter wishes and dreams and of course, ultimately, more dandelions.

I took a course in the dandelion last summer. We picked, observed and painted them. With a deepened appreciation for the plant, I named the day care program we were building, Dandelion Day Care. Then through the oourse of this year, we found a home and named it the Rose Garden. Now I wonder what kind of plants will bloom there. Whatever seeds come, I know we will observe them respectfully, care for them lovingly and be grateful for the contribution each one brings. We'll provide the rich nutrients, fresh air and warmth they need to grow strong.

I love tending then witnessing the growth and beauty.

Closing Assembly

On Friday, I went to the closing assembly at Aurora Waldorf School. On that day, the last day of school, each class presented something from the year's curriculum on stage to a full auditorium. The event opened with children, teachers and parents singing a round led by the music teacher.

Then the presentations began. The following glimpse of what each class brought does not begin to describe the light in the children's eyes, the warmth of the teachers or the overall sense of community in the auditorium but here's the nutshell anyway:
1st grade recited several verses from memory.
2nd grade sang seasonal songs (including one they wrote the lyrics to).
3rd grade played their recorders and recited a poem about a house
(3rd grade curriculum focuses on house-building).
4th grade performed poetry with movement in a circle.
5th grade is the year of studying ancient Greece including participating in the Greek Olympics (along with other Waldorf schools)so they wore their togas (with their own painted designs)and recited odes they had written.
6th grade dressed in early Americana style and square danced to the fiddle music of a classmate and when the dance was over, they tossed their straw hats in the air (ah, the last day of school!).
7th grade spoke aphorisms and then jumped double dutch rope, in perfect synch, hopping in and out at just the right moment and providing many variations on the theme.
8th graders stood alone on stage and recited inspiration sayings from famous people they studied.

Then the first graders gave a rose to each of the eighth graders. The classes had built relationships throughout the year by having snack and recess together every Monday after starting the year with a similar rose ceremony, only in reverse. In the fall, the eighth graders each gave a rose to one of the new first graders and then it comes full circle at the end of the year, ultimately at the end of the eight year cycle. Why do I always forget to bring tissues to this event?

As you can imagine, it was a beautiful assembly and it brought to light what works about Waldorf education. On the other hand, when my husband and I were gardening Saturday afternoon at the Lafayette site, we saw a gathering in the yard behind us. We talked with the parents and found that they were meeting to form a team to fight the high stakes testing going on in their children's preschool classes in a popular public school. The parents understood that the tests are unreliable for children that young, that the time invested in test prep could be better spent and that they needed to do something about it to protect their children from what they described as nonsense. The children and parents were no different from those I was with at the assembly on Friday but the school's curriculums were very different.

These back to back experiences reminded me of why we are opening the Rose Garden Early Childhood Center in in Buffalo and what this educational model provides. It's an alternative that works. Children have only one childhood and it's a golden opportunity to learn what is true and of lasting value, accumulating rich resources and memories for a lifetime.

Nesting

Since school ended last Friday, I am focusing on what this summer will bring. Ironically, the summer before my son goes to college and we officially have an "empty nest", I will be nesting. In order to prepare the space for the Rose Garden Early Childhood Center at 257 Lafayette where we will run our programs in the fall, I will be doing what one does who is expecting a child (or many). In this case, preparing the space involves painting, moving in the materials that have been gathered over the years, sending out announcements and getting approval from the Office of Child and Family Services, etc. My Early Childhood colleagues from Aurora Waldorf School are even having a shower for me so we can gather more things for the center and celebrate its coming.

We spent time in the playground on Saturday, digging up dirt, planting where we could plant and envisioning how it will be for the children. Fortunately, the front is being excavated and there is plenty of dirt (some of it rich and organic matter) that we can use to build up our flower beds. I am learning a lot about plants since a parent from Aurora Waldorf School and Master gardener, Linda Maywalt was with us on Saturday. She created a sweet garden with a log in the middle of it and I can imagine the children leaning against the log and leaving little offerings of flowers and stones there. All the children's play areas will be surrounded by lovely gardens and we plan to create a berm up to the fence in the back so the children can roll or sled down it depending on the season.

Another part of nesting I think is preparing our soul forces to meet the coming child/children. I remember when I taught a Nursery school class and I stitched dolls for the children's birthday gifts. Some of the dolls would come together easily and others I struggled with. One doll I had to take apart and start all over again. I thought that making that doll was preparing me to meet a certain child and I was practicing patience and perseverance to strengthen those qualities in me so I could serve that child's needs.

Gathering materials, preparing the space (indoors and out), as well as preparing our souls are some of the ways we "nest". I imagine how beautiful the space will be and how wonderful it will be to greet the children there. It seems that while my home nest is emptying, it is the ideal time to be "nesting" an early childhood center. As my 84 year old mother tells me, there will be plenty of time to rest - later.

Reflections on Caring for the Caregiver

Now it's time to personalize the ideas about caring for the caregiver. I find that when I am writing about a certain topic, it just so happens to be a topic I need to pay attention to myself. It's Tuesday after a holiday weekend and there is a lot of work to be done, two days of work need to fit into one, but I am feeling tired. What would be a caring thing to do? I cannot forget about the things to do but I can keep the list short and my attitude light (only doing the things that need to be done today) and then I can stop when the work is done. Stop thinking about tomorrow's list and take a walk, a bike ride, do some gardening or take a nap. It is self-caring to know when enough is enough,(I am reminding myself).

Questions to ponder:

Do you get enough sleep on a regular basis?

Do you eat right (balanced, healthy food)?

Do you exercise regularly (even a daily walk)?

Do you go to the Doctor and the Dentist regularly for a check-up?

Do you schedule time for recreation (being with friends, going out, reading or whatever else you like to do)?

Do you have a healthy rhythm that allows enough time to do what you have to do or are you often rushing and feeling a bit breathless?

Do you observe nature, it's changes and beauty?

Do you stop to listen and observe your child, taking interest in what he or she is doing or saying and what he or she is becoming?

Do you allow yourself time to reflect on what is happening and your dreams for the future?

Do you choose carefully the information you take in, reading books, seeing movies and surrounding yourself with people that are positive and inspirational?

Do you allow yourself to formulate a picture of your children and your spouse that emphasizes their best qualities, reinforcing those characteristics so they will grow and refraining from criticism?

Did you know that your inner dialogue comes from the things you heard from authorities when you were a child? What kinds of things do you say to your self?
What do you say to your child (in particular when he/she is having a hard time)?

Did you know that making mistakes is a natural part of learning and that it takes three positive comments to balance a negative one and to keep a relationship healthy?

The most important relationship you have is the one with your self. Are you in "right relationship" with your self? What is one new habit you can commit to that is self-caring?

Caring for the Caregivers

Last week, we explored the stages of human development and this week as promised, we will consider ways to care for the caregivers.

I remember a time in my life when I was especially exhausted and a colleague told me to look for the ways my energy was leaking out. What leaks I wondered? But I held the question in mind and before long, I discovered those leaks and then I set about to find ways to plug up the holes which was not an overnight process but a necessary one. As long as I had energy leaks, it didn't matter how much I slept or how well I ate, I ended up depleted.

That's the first step. Consider where your energy might be leaking out, paying conscious attention to habits that might be invisible. I have found that bearing regrets (I wish I would have...), worrying about the future and generally overcomplicating life are some of the ways that I allow my precious energy to leak out. I'll explain a little what I mean by each of those.

If I am focused on regrets for example, I am not present for the moment and so my attention is divided between what I am doing and what I am thinking about, which is an exhausting state of being. Also, I cannot do anything about the past, it's done and rumination will not produce any good. It's a waste of energy. I trust that we learn the right thing at the right time and this releases regrets and opens the door to compassion. In some ways, we are all slow learners and mistakes are a part of the learning process. Reflecting about the past, however, and considering new ways to approach situations is a fruitful exercise, but that is not what I am talking about here.

Worrying about the future and what might come to pass is another way our energy leaks out. I like to picture the Grimm's Fairy Tale, "Clever Elsie" when I consider the effects of projecting negative outcomes. It's the story in which a young woman is celebrating her engagement and goes down into the basement to get something. There she finds a hatchet over the stairwell and she sits down to cry because she imagines that one day she might have a child who will then go downstairs and the hatchet might fall on his head and kill him. One by one family members go downstairs looking for the person who left the table last and when each one hears the story, he or she sits down and cries.

Now that is a rather funny picture of worrying about the future and my favorite antidote to worry is humor. I cannot laugh about something and worry about it at the same time. That's not to say that sad things will not happen, they definitely will but worrying about them will not prepare us to meet them when they come. Worry depletes us and like an active toddler, our thinking can quickly dash off into negative imaginings that feed our worries. Better to stay in the present reality, perceiving what comes and trusting we will know what to do when challenges arrive. Again worrying is not the same as honestly accessing a situation and feeling concern, then planning a course of action. It is imagining a negative outcome before it arrives or rather getting ahead of ourselves and it requires some mental muscle not to engage in it.

Overcomplicating things is another way we diffuse our energy. There is great value to keeping life simple. By that I mean, to take time to plan and be clear about what you are doing, paring it down to the essentials. For example, when you simplify your children's toy collection, you find it is easier to clean up and it reduces stress for both of you. Also, it makes it simpler for your child to determine what he or she wants to play with. Another way to simplify is to set up a weekly and daily rhythm so you don't have to rethink what needs to be done every day or be concerned that you won't get to something.

Sunday could be the day for visiting grandparents and eating chicken. Monday might be soup day and laundry day. Tuesday might be spahetti and dusting day. In this way of assigning meals and activities to certain days of the week, you not only make grocery-shopping easier but you know you will get to all the chores you need to do in the course of the week. Again, you can experience what it is you are doing, with the freedom of having a plan for doing all the things you need to do. Children enjoy this kind of predictable rhythm (with some exceptions of course); it makes them feel secure and helps them to develop good habits.

Another way to simplify life is to consider planning your day so that it breathes. By this I mean having activity that is an in-breath (gathering resources) followed by an out-breath (letting go). That means doing something that is formed like going to the supermarket followed by something that is less restrictive, like playing in the yard. This also teaches children about balance and seems to expand the amount of time there is in a day and the amount of energy we have to give to it.

Another noteworthy reminder that involves all three of the energy leaks mentioned already, is minimizing effort or being efficient with energy. For example, if I am writing on the computer and I am clenching my jaw (because I am worrying about something), I am using more physical energy than I need to. I might have tightness in my neck after I finish my work as well as fatigue. If we pay attention inwardly, we can discover the ways that we tighten our muscles more than a task requires causing tension and exhaustion. It's not just getting the job done, but how we reach our goals that matters.

In a nutshell, these energy leaks are ways of thinking/being that rob us of the present moment. They can creep into our day and consume great amounts of our time and energy. The good thing is that once we find the leaks, we can plug them up with conscious effort and although we may not actually have more time, being present feels like it. There is a feeling of time expanding when we are in the moment and not divided by our thoughts. This way of being is also the most nourishing to our children who cannot understand when we are there but not really there because we are distracted by our own thoughts rather than witnessing life as it is happening. Children become less needy when they are held by this kind of consciousness.

Next week, we will reflect on ways to fill up energy reserves but first consider where you might have leaks.

Child Development and Caregiving

Mother's Day got me thinking about mothering and the notion of mothering mothers. Who cares for the caregivers or thinks about this question? Fathers, grandparents, and friends care about mothers' wellbeing, but do mothers receive the care they need and make time for self a valid enterprise? Where do mothers get the support they really need? Authentic caregiving comes from a heart that is so full, it is spilling over, but with so many things to do and to think about, it's a challenge to find time to take care of ourselves.

Before we discuss the practical aspects of self care (next week), I'd like to explain the model of child development that Waldorf teachers work from. Having a sensible model for human development helps provides a foundation for decision-making and holding the big picture can relieve stress about the smaller decisions. Whereas young children learn by doing and imitation, the portal for adult learning is through the intellect. According to Benjamin Franklin, "all real learning involves a change of behavior", but a behavior change begins with thinking about things in a new way.

Children from birth to seven years of age are rapidly developing their physical bodies. Inner organs are not fully developed until children are three years old so there is much forming that happens outside the womb in those early years. Caring for the young child involves primarily care of the physical body: eating, bathing sleeping, staying warm, building the immune system (often through confronting illnesses), etc. Sensory information goes deeply into the young child (who has no intellectual filters) so carefully choosing the child'd sensory experiences is key.

From seven to fourteen years of age, children are developing their life force (to carry them through a lifetime of physical activity), and the beginning of this phase is marked by the change of teeth. At this point, the physical body has developed so that the child is ready to pursue academic tasks. In other words, the developmental forces that were working on the physical body are now free to work in the realm of learning concepts. This is often a difficult leap for parents in this society when children are encouraged to start academic work at earlier ages, but bear in mind that the children in Finland do not start first grade until seven years of age and they have the highest literacy rate in the world and scores on the European high school exams.

The third stage of development is indicated by the onset of puberty and has to do with the development of the emotional aspect or the soul of the human being. Although young children, of course, have feelings, they do not carry the same weight as the feelings of adolesence when they come from a more personal place rather the general and imitative place of the young child. The soul is a highly invividualized aspect of the human being.

Finally, the fourth seven year cycle is from 21 to 28 years of age, when the thinking of the human begins to blossom. It is a time of trying things out in the world, of taking risks, of learning about how to relate to the world as an independent human being. This is when thoughts come together about how to operate in the world and to move toward one's purpose and meaningful work in the world.

What do children need when they are developing through these stages? In the first stage, while they are gestating their "life force", they need a welcoming picture that the world is good. When they are developing in the second stage, they need a picture that the world is beautiful, in order to develop the soul forces which will begin to blossom in the teen years. Finally, when they are developing the forces of independent thinking, they need a picture of truth held up before them, so they can develop thinking that is indeed, true. Having these ideals set before the developing child makes him or her stronger and more capable of meeting the challenges that come from a world that is less than ideal, just like taking in whole foods makes us stronger and more resilient to eating "junk" food once in a while.

This is a lot of information, I know and I suspect that you might find this thumbnail sketch a little unsatisfying, but this will be an ongoing conversation, I promise. Personally, as a teacher, a mother, and a lifelong learner, I have found this picture of child development to be the most instructive in knowing how to relate to children and especially how to determine what is the right thing to bring at the right time.

Finally, what does all of this have to do with self-care and motherhood? I will get there but first, a look at what is referred to as the pedagogical law. When children are developing physically in the first stage, they are "gestating" or building up their life force so they draw from the life force of the caregivers. Parents and caregivers of young children, no wonder you are so tired! When they are expressing their life force in the second stage, they are gestating their soul forces and so they draw from us emotionally. Ah! Then when they are expressing their souls and developing their thinking, they will draw from us intellectually! Ask any parent of a teenager, they will definitely discover any loopholes in your thinking, encouraging you to think things through carefully to set it right.

Yes, let's return to the first stage when the young child is drawing from our life force to develop their physical bodies and build up their own reserves. It is my intention that having a whole picture of the development of the child in mind is reassuring in the knowledge that this stage, too, shall pass. Beginning with this foundation, we will explore ways to bolster and sustain our life force so we have what we need for our young children and for ourselves.

Reflections on Play

While thinking and writing about play, I feel I am in good company lately. The New York Times Magazine (May 3rd) featured an article called "Kindergarten Cram: Toss out the No. 2 pencils and let them Play". The buzz is coming from the Alliance for Childhood's March 2009 publication called "Crisis in the Kindergarten" which provides evidence of the disappearance of play from kindergartens and all the reasons why we should bring it back. Visit their website and read the 75 page report if you have the time and interest.

For children to experience the benefits of timelessness in the flow of healthy play, it requires a certain attitude and presence from the adults around them, usually an unobtrusive presence, one we might not be practiced in. Let's explore our personal relationship to play and stay open to what we may discover.

What is your most memorable moment of play from your early childhood?
Where were you (indoors or outdoors)?
Where were the adults (if you can remember)?

How much time does your child experience self-initiated play on a typical day?
What do you do while your child plays?
Can you hold yourself back from speaking (judging, interrupting, praising, etc.)?

What do you say when you do engage with your child?
Do you ask her to explain herself, to come out of the flow of play (breaking her focus) for your sake so you can understand or add your opinion?
Are you comfortable with the messiness and trial and error process of play or do you feel the need to guide it in a direction that has meaning for you?

Do you trust your child's innate wisdom, timetable, and the ability to work through life's events and challenges through play?
Is it possible for you to enjoy this phase of learning through imitation and developing imagination or are you looking forward to when the "real" learning will begin?
Is it your job to entertain your child or do you see it as a valid goal for your child to learn to occupy his or herself in play?

If you learned something new about play from reading the last two blogs, write it down or share it with someone to claim that learning. (Teaching is the best way to learn something). Feel free to pass this blog onto people in your contacts list and see if you can rediscover the spirit of play in your busy days, blurring the lines between work and play.

Fostering Learning through Play

I'd like to continue with some thoughts about the value of play and ways to foster healthy play. Have you ever noticed that when your child is really sick the playful glimmer in his/her eye disappears? When that glimmer returns, you know your child is recovering. Parents and health care professionals intuitively know this. There is a link between playfulness and health. Pediatricians recommend play because it supports physical, emotional, cognitive and social development. Play enlivens life!

There is also a link between creativity and playfulness on the one hand, and between aggression and a lack of playfulness on the other hand. There has been research conducted on the winners of the Mac Arthur award and it was discovered that they are overall curious, creative and they value play. It is a playful approach that allows the inner genius to be expressed and developed in each of us. Engineering firms have discovered that the best engineers are "tinkerers" or people who bring a spirit of playfulness to their work.

Research has also been done about people who commit murders, initiated when the student at Austin University went to the top of the tower and shot people below. Scientists were commissioned to study the shooter and since then more evidence has substantiated their claims. They have discovered that these murderers have two commonalities: one that they have a history of abuse and secondly they have an inability to play due to lack of experience in playing. Although they might have achieved things in their lives, they did not engage in lighthearted, self-directed play which is a healthy way to work through frustration and aggression. Play itself or a playful spirit is a stress-reducer, one without contra-indications.

While our old economy is changing, the emerging model of the 21st century is the "Economy of the Imagination". The problems we have presently require a new kind of thinking to resolve them, one that we possibly haven't even thought of yet. It's not enough to have knowledge, we also need to entertain possibilities and to imagine our way into the future. Businesses are reporting that new employees often lack the imagination and the social skills required to sit at a table with a group of people and work through a problem. These skills require active participation to learn; they cannot be learned passively through a didactic approach or by engaging with a screen.

Imagination is developed through play. It is a function of the right brain which experiences peak development from birth to seven years of age. Albert Einstein said that the best science is built on a foundation of wonder and imagination. It seems that we are more inclined these days to go straight to the science and miss out on building the foundation that makes great science possible.

There are ways to foster creativity and play, just as there are signs that the wellspring is clogged. Media has a clogging effect on children's healthy play, offering images that are hard to digest since they come from an adult's imagination rather than welling up from inside the child and then being acted out. The child trying to act out media images often says a lot, repeating certain phrases but takes little action. The images can get stuck in the child's head, unable to flow through to their limbs even though the child is innately programmed to imitate or act out what he or she has witnessed. The experience of television is so one-dimensional that can thwart healthy expression, promoting passivity and frustration.

Certain toys, usually the ones that have batteries, have the same effect as media. They can do everything without any input from the child, thus thrwarting the child's participation. These toys leave children with only one creative option, that is to break them. Children are often happier with open-ended toys like a cardboard box or a set of blocks so they can express their own creativity.

Another obstacle to children's healthy play is too much intellectual information which leads them to thinking rather than doing. Signs of a child being too much in their thinking is asking questions incessantly, having difficulty initiating and completing tasks or working through simple problems and then ultimately a low threshold of frustration. An adult can help a child develop imagination rather than premature intellectualization by the way we answer children's questions. For example, if a child asks why it is raining, the intellectual answer would be to talk about condensation, clouds, barometric pressure and the like. This answer is often unsatisfying for the young child, although it is appropriate later on. The answer that speaks to the young child's stage of development is more like: it is raining because the plants are thirsty. This makes the young child happy who then looks at the rain as a positive thing on behalf of the plants. This may lead to observation of the plants and how they open up after a spring rain and the sheer wonder of it all.

If a child is still unable to find his or her way to healthy play, there is something else the adults can do. When the adults engage in purposeful physical work (like domestic chores rather than computer work), children often become inspired in their play. They might work or play alongside us while we do dishes or sweep the floor or build a tower while we sew on buttons. It is however, not just a matter of what we are doing, but the inward attitude we carry while we are doing it as well. Children are mindreaders you know. If we are rushed or caught up in fears about a child getting hurt or making a mess, the child becomes inhibited in play. Our attitude needs to be one of timelessess(even while keeping the end point in mind), tolerance of some messiness, of trust in the child's capabilities and of joy so the child can go forward with confidence and learn from the trial and error process that is play.

The young child gains mastery over their world through play. They learn about the world and about themselves. For as a child plays, we see indications of what they are passionate about. You might try but you cannot put a child in a box unless it has their passion in it. But while a child is playing, you might see a glimpse of their future. That is something worth supporting by creating time and space for it.

A Child's Work is Play

I attended the Gateways Conference at the Toronto Waldorf School last weekend and am inspired to share insights about the importance of play. The keynote speaker was Joan Almon who is presently with the National Alliance for Childhood, working to bring play back to kindergartens in America. One of the interesting nuggets I took away from the conference is that at the same time we are increasing the stress in children's lives, we are taking away opportunities to play, which is children's innate means for working through stress. Children are wired to play for a reason.

As an adult, you might have observed that being able to take the time and space to do your work helps bring down your stress level and increase your sense of satisfaction. Well, play is the child's work. Studies have shown that when children are stressed (by hurrying to school, separaton anxiety or acclimating to a new sibling for example), stress hormones are found in the sweat on their palms. When allowed to play, the children's stress levels were reduced whereas the stress levels remained the same after an adult iniated activity of reading a book to them. Play is a healthy way for children to work through the stressful situations that are a part of life. It is their domain, one where they are able to make choices and to learn about themselves and about life.

Most parents agree that they want their children to be self-regulating. Recent research indicates that play is an excellent vehicle for learning self-regulation. In early childhood, didactic teaching is not the most effective model since young children learn by doing. Although we generally do not tax young children to make decisions about what to wear, what to eat or when to go to the Doctor or to bed, there is a time and place for children to make their own choices. In self-initiated play, children commonly conduct experiments like what happens when I turn a pot upside down and bang on it with a spoon? They might explore what happens when a box that is filled with something is turned upside down or shaken. Another common experiment is to discover how many blocks can be placed on top of one another before the tower tips over.

These are all valuable experiments involving learning basic scientific laws. In this way, children discover the effects of these laws and learn to work with them. Children, when given the time to play and discover their physical bodies in the process tend to become self-regulating, making good choices about what they feel are safe parameters for themselves. If a child gets hurt often, the way to learn how to get hurt less is by playing in a safe environment learning from trial and error and discovering his or her own ever-changing physical capabilities. Adults have a tendency to impose their own fears and limits on children, i.e. because I am afraid to climb on those bars, you cannot in spite of your own skill level and possible capability.

Parents often feel sorry about limiting children's choices by setting boundaries in the realm of eating, sleeping, dressing, etc. but then impose many restrictions in the realm of play because we can be uncomfortable with the messiness involved in these trial and error processes. It can be hard to watch. However, when children are restricted in the routine aspects of life as well as the domain of their work which is play, they often become frustrated and they might act out which often brings consequences like less playtime.

That's not to say that we should have no boundaries for a child's playtime. Children can be given a limited number of toys and told to play in an area in the house where there are few breakables and adults are comfortable with a certain degree of messiness or basic wear and tear. Simple rules like don't hurt yourself or anyone else can be emphasized. Then within those paramenters, gifting children with the time and space to play allows them to experience the timelessness necessary to conduct important life experiments, to integrate the results and then start new experiments. In this way, through their play, children learn to be self-regulating and find out where natural limits are in the world and in their own physicality.

This learning provides the wiring for frontal lobe development which is key to successful higher level decision-making. There is no better way for children to achieve this goal and they know how to do without us even teaching them. For more information about the benefits of play, you might pick up the new book by Stuart Brown called Play - How it Shapes the Brain, Opens the Imagination and Feeds the Soul.

Reflection Exercises for Storytelling

We've been exploring telling stories to young children. This is the third week on this topic; time to reflect on how it is going. It's a good idea when we are trying something new or tweeking the way we do something to take time and consider whether it is working for us. Teachers learn to plan what to teach, teach and then evaluate the teaching. Parents are engaged in educating children and this template of planning, doing and then evaluating is an important life skill besides being for teachers. Even if the reflections are done in ten minutes before going to sleep at night (which may be the only available time),it is a good practice to strive for.

Remember Rahima Baldwin's book (that I mentioned in the last blog)called You Are Your Child's First Teacher? It's a valuable resource book. When I met Rahima at an Early Childhood Conference last summer, I found out that she was opening a home child care program with her daughter last fall. I was glad to have the opportunity to talk with her about opening a child care business as well as about early childhood education overall.

Back to reflecting about storytelling (rather than a trip to New Hampshire and interesting conversations last summer), and seeking a balance between actions and their inward component, reflections.

Here are some questions to ponder.

What kind of stories do you remember hearing during your childhood? What memories do you have of listening to stories?

Have you tried making up stories for your child, stories from everyday life, stories from your childhood and stories about your child? They can be short - even a few sentences long.
Does this feel different than reading a story from a book?
Is it easier or harder than you expected?
What was your child's reaction?

Reflect on some of your discoveries and successes.

Loving human contact is important for a child's well-being. How is this a component of storytelling? (Although this may seem obvious, conscious awareness about why we are doing something can inspire us to keep it up).

Becoming the Author of Your own Life

Why do we tell our stories? We tell them to claim our role as the author of our own lives. Author is the root word of "authority" which has all kinds of connotations that might be incompatible with the simple idea of authoring our own lives but that is what I am talking about here.
Empowering ourselves and others to gain authority in our lives is the intent of telling stories and it is also the intent of this blog. Whatever you discover here is meant to be something you can experiment with or try on for size. See if it suits you and if it does, use it but if it doesn't ring true for you, let it go. You might find that you revisit it at another time or it is something you grapple with ongoingly. But clearly, these entries are not meant to be mandates because that would not further the intent of increasing the authority in parents so they can consciously author their own lives and then pass on this authority to their children when the child is ready to receive it.
Let's talk a little bit more about stories for young children. When is your child old enough for stories? Obviously it takes a certain maturity of language development for a child to listen to a story as well as the ability to sit still for a period of time. Until that time, children are still totally immersed in experiencing the things themselves. Take your cues from your child, and start with very short stories about your child's life, about the day, about animals or even your own childhood experiences. Then you can gradually work toward longer ones with repetition (which makes them easier to remember for the storyteller and children delight in them), and then into simple fairy tales.
The beauty of telling stories rather than reading them is that you can watch your child's response to the words as you are saying them. It also allows the child to create his/her own pictures from the story rather than the ones offered by the book's illustrator. It's not necessary to exagerrate the emotional content of the story but rather to tell it in a straghtforward sort of way with pauses (sometimes while you are thinking of the next thing to say). Be sure that if you make up characters, you remember the names, ages and other characteristics you give them because your children definitely will.

Suggestions for Stories to tell Young Children
Before the age of 3
Nursery rhymes sung and told (the rhythmical quality suits the young child)
simple repetitive stories
finger plays
nature stories
Stories you make up
Stories about the immediate environment

Three Year Olds
Sweet Porridge (Grimm)
The Turnip (Russian)
The Bun (Russian)
The Old Woman and the Pig (Volland Classic)
The Cat and the Mouse (Volland Classic)
Little Red Hen (Volland Classic)
Little Tuppens (Volland Classic)
My Household (Grimm)
Goldilocks and the Three Bears
Billy Goats Gruff

To read more about storytelling with children, refer to Rahima Baldwin's book, You Are Your Child's First Teacher (a book one for every parents' shelf), pages 173 - 175"The Value of Telling Stories" in the section called "Nourishing Your Child's Imagination".

Telling Stories to our Children

We've been working with singing and speech, let's consider now the art of telling stories. Children love them and we can all become storytellers for their sake, weaving in moral lessons we want to teach and connecting deeply with our children in the process. As with singing, we discover that we are all singers, we are also all storytellers even if we don't know it - yet.

Exerpt from "All About Kids" Magazine Feb. 1992

Don't Know and Pajamas
by Cathy Habes

After cookies, "Curious George" and kisses goodnight, I turn out the light. My four-year-old son says, "Tell us a story with no book." His two-year-old brother echoes the plea.

"Once upon a time," I begin, "there were two boys named Danny and Joey..." Then I pause.

When this ritual first began, I wondered what plot I could concoct from my sleepy brain that would possibly satisfy their hunger for stories. I found myself drawing heavily on plots in which they meet their favorite cartoon heroes and join forces with them in vanquishing the foes of Earth Itself.

"That was good." Danny would sigh afterward: but I was dissatisfied with my own junky thinking. Did an exciting story have to include fist fights and space ships?

As time passed, I polished my style a bit. Danny and Joey were written into the scripts of various gems of childhood literature that I knew by heart. Danny danced down the street with his friends in a rock'n roll version of rThe Pied Piper, encountered the Cat in the Hat. Each vied to be the brother who fell down the well in an adaptation of tTikki Tikki Tembo.

But I think I really hit on something when one night I simply repeated the details of the events of that day. Plain and simple, I told what happened from my point of view, and in the telling I found myself making Danny and Joey into the heroes of their own lives.

They demanded more such stories about "what we did today," delighted to hear about the adventures and successes of a routine trip to the playground. I dwelt lovingly on the details of each finger-painted picture done at the playtable and could repeat their friendly negotiations with playmates almost verbatim.

Nothing seemed to please them more than these intricate reaffirmations of their worth and progress. Then one night Danny asked me to tell him a story about something he desired - a pet, specifically a brown and white hamster named Pajamas. It was a touching request and a truly original one.

"What pet would you like in the story?" I asked Joey. "A Puppy?"

"An elephant!" shouted my two-year-old.

"What will his name be?"

"Don't know," Joey replied. So that night I told the first tale of Pajamas, the hamster and Don't Know the baby elephant.

The stories are still grounded in the day-to-day stuff of reality. Danny has played hide-and-seek with Pajamas, who hid in his shoe, under his bed, and behind his cereal bowl. Joey has taken Don't Know for a walk in the rain and had to clean the elephant's muddy feet with a broom and a bucket of water. We have speculated about what would happen if Pajamas and Don't Know went to the grocery store, the bowling alley, and kindergarten.

Mundane as they might sound, these stories are far more exciting, warm, and meaningful than the flat, relentlessly agressive tales I used to spin about Ninja Turtles. Now the boys often join in with their own ideas about the script. At the end of two short but thrilling tales, they are ready for sleep -- as long as I promise to tell more stories tomorrow.

It is delicious to feel my children grow and shine in the light of the stories of their lives. It is delicious, too, to experience my own stretching and growing. I had never dreamed I could craft an impromptu tale that would so delight a small audience. A bit of practice and experimentation was all it took to free the storyteller in me.

I don't think too much about my stories: I don't plan what I will say each night. I pause with my eyes closed in the dark room and wait to see what Pajamas and Don't Know are up to tonight. They have taken on a life of their own now, this odd couple invented by my children's hearts.

Reflection Exercises for "Speaking with Young Children" series

The last two blogs have been about becoming conscious of how we speak to our children.

Everything matters in our communications: what we say, how we say it, even what we are feeling and thinking while we speak. Children pick up on all of it so they wake us up to the true quality of our communications.

Below are a few questions that will help you reflect on your speech. Remember to be honest but also compassionate toward yourself, since we are all learning as we go.

Pay attention to the quality of your speech. Is it clear and well-formed (i.e. consonants on the ends of words)? What is your tone of voice like?

Is your child often asked to leave the "here and now" to answer a question? (For example -- What did you do at school today? or What's that you are building?) Is he/she able to do this? What effect do such questions seem to have on him/her?

Try to answer some of your child's questions with imaginative, pictorial answers rather than rational, scientific answers. What is the reaction?

If you have been offering fewer choices, how is it going?

Do you feel comfortable taking charge and claiming your authority as a parent? What was your experience of parental authority as a child?

Do these articles raise any questions or comments you would like to discuss? If so, comment here or bring them to class. Sharing amongst peers is a great way to process information and support each other in making changes or validating what we already do. Parenting is a journey in consciousness, full of both joys and sorrows and it is humbling to realize we have so much to learn right alongside our children.

Making up your Mind to speak to your Children like Children

An excerpt from a "Waldorf Newsletter"
written by Lucas G. Hendrikson in 1991

"Talking to 'Tiny Adults'"
There is a story that may be familiar to you, it goes like this: a four year old and her mother were sitting in a fast food restaurant; the father had gone for the food. When he returned, he asked the little girl whether she wanted to eat there or go home. The girl was quietly confused. "Well", he said, "Which shall it be - home or here? Make up your mind." the girl, still in a state of confusion, burst into tears. "Well, we're going home if you act like that," said her father, and off they went.
Scenes like this occur quite often. Loving parents, not wanting to inflict their will and desires upon their children, allow a child to make many decisions so that he can be his own person. Chilren are treated as "tiny adults". The social upheavals of the 60's can be viewed as the children of this nation casting off the will and desires of their parents in order to become their own people. Now, those children are parents and want freedom for their children. But is this freedom healthy? Is the unlimited ability to choose what children really need in order to fulfill their potential and become truly free?
In the Waldorf movement, we often use the analogy of comparing a child to a flower. The child is a seed which contains everything needed to become a beautifully unique flower. Our job as parents is to give the child a healthy environment so that she may blossom. Neither should we expect the young child to produce life decisions. Those decisions are the job of the parent.
Statements from my six-year-old daughter: "I'm gonna wear my shorts!" - in the middle of winter. "I will not eat that!" just after I finished cooking breakfast. "I'm not going with you! - when we have only a few minutes to leave for an appointment. My job is to help her understand that on many things, the decision lies with me. She has no choice. I know that it will help her to make decisions later in her life if she sees a strong example now of decision making in action. This must be done in a confident manner, without long explanations. I notice that she is often testing how strong the decision I have made is, and, if my decision is strong and calm she will have confidence in me and will feel secure.
We are indeed helping our children toward freedom - but it's freedom at 21 not at 5. The ability to learn to make decisions and carrying responsibility is a gradual process. This child needs experience in making decisions and carrying responsibility, but too often we see the children running the family. The parents ask the child, "Do you want to stay in kindergarten, or come home with me?" "Do you want to go to bed, or not?" These are not really choices, and we do the child a disservice by making it seem otherwise. If the parent has worked out that it is time for kindergarten, or bed, then the decision is made.
The child under seven is in a dream consciousness. This is good and healthy, and we should nurture it. Every question asks the child to "wake up" in order to accomplish the thinking necessary to respond. This drains forces he would otherwise use to build up his physical body. If, while we were sleeping, someone woke us up - just a little - and then, when we went back to sleep, woke us again and again, in the morning we would be quite crabby. This is what we do to the child when we demand decisions of him, only this 'crabbiness" works into his very being.
The child needs to sleep, and only gradually wake up to the world around him. The adult needs to nurture and protect the child, making firm decisions and being calmly confident in them. This calls adults to order, demanding much more consciousness on their part. Do I need to ask the child this? Does the child really have a choice here? How can I accept the responsibility for making decisions and nurturing my child and allowing her to do her job of building her body and her imagination? If we can bring our consiousness to these questions, our children can dream as they need to, and we can live joyfully without the "crabby child".

Next week - questions for reflecting on how we speak with young children.
Bring comments about this article to parent-toddler class and we can discuss them briefly at snacktime, providing support for each other in this work of conscious parenting.

How we Speak to our Children

We have been considering the role of singing in parenting, how about speech? One could get through the day without singing but not without speaking, yet how carefully do we consider what we say? When I was student teaching, one of our supervisors used to count how many times we sad "um" or "you know" to help us become aware of our habits in speaking. It was the first step toward consciously choosing our words and becoming more effective communicators.

One of the popular habits I've observed is the use of "ok" in communicating with children. I would suggest, just like the examples above, it is unconscious, but let's consider the effect it has on our communication with our children.

Below is an article from MOTHERING Magazine about a mother's awakening to the impact of ok in relating to her children. It's both honest and to the point.

Parenting by Permission
by Sandra Eble

As I settled in for a picnic lunch with my children in the middle of what promised to be a long, hot summer day, I noticed another family claiming the shade of the tree next to ours. Three boys, about ten, six, and three, clamored for bagels. My interest was piqued when the boys begged for a yogurt. In a voice that commanded attention, the mother stated. "There is only one yogurt and two spoons. There are three of you. This is to be shared fairly. Any pigs will lose their turns." She then laid down and closed her eyes, while I waited for World War III to commence.
To my disbelief, the two oldest took the spoons and passed the yogurt: one bite for each of them and two bites for the youngest. No one screamed that the baby was getting a double helping. They enjoyed that yogurt to the hilt, scraping out the cup with gusto. Meanwhile, my children were still bickering about the choices I had offered. What secret did the mother possess to instill that kind of cooperation? Could I go over and beg for an hour-long parenting class?
On the drive home, I reviewed how I might have handled the same situation. The biggest diffence I could find was in the mother's approach. She laid out a plan and the consequuences and then stepped out of the picture. Her plan had not been detailed but rather descriptive of the facts and her expectations.
What would I have done? First, I would have apologized for only having one yogurt, then I would have begged for approval. "Is that OK?" I would have asked. This mother had not even explained why there was only one yogurt. I would have repeatedly looked for assurance that I was still a wonderful mother, even if inept at providing for them. Then I would have apologized for only having two spoons, again repeating, "Is that OK?" Was this how my communication was breaking down?
Over the next few days, I studied my efforts. Time to clean up. OK? When I asked if it was OK, dissent followed.
I turned my attention to dropping the OK after suggestions or commands, deciding that parenting is not often a democracy. When it's time to go to Shop-Rite, it is my timetable and not a group decision-making process. If a timetable can be altered to fit others' needs, then that can come up in the form of a discussion. "Cleanup needs to happen before dinner. Do you want to do it now or in 15 minutes?" If my statement is "Time to clean up, OK?" then to be sure it is not OK.
I had been operating under the illusion that if I was understanding and explained my reasoning then my children would smile and cooperate. In truth, explanations rarely worked. Now I was facing the fact that my parenting style was not very effective.
All this reflection dredged up a long-forgotten memory. When my oldest, M'Liss, had been an angel infant and I was still encased in the myth that breastfeeding was the answer to all mothering problems, a neighbor who was trapped in open warfare with his 12-year-old daughter laid out the maxim that "children are not reasonable." I was sure then that proper parenting, understanding, and patience would create "reasonable" children. Now after 17 years in the trenches with six children I believe that he was right. There are moments when no amount of explanation or patience will sway a revved-up three-year-old.
My life took on a new dimnesion when I removed "OK" from my vocabulary. I can now sail through Shop-Rite with my four-year-old. I have left behind the days of "Let's pick up Cheerios, OK?" and the whine that follows. Such a little word, yet the power it wields in a parent/child relationship can be tremendous.

Reflections on Singing

When I visited my 95-year-old father-in-law in Germany last fall, he enjoyed being with people reminiscing but never seemed more vital than when we were all singing his old favorite songs. There is a song about the power of music that you might know:
All things must perish from under the sky.
Music alone shall live, music alone shall live, music alone shall live,
Never to die.

In these days of technology, we can all have access to any song sung by a perfectly-pitched voice at the push of a button. They are, however, the voices of strangers and young children who are not yet critical are hungry for authenticity, even in its imperfection.

Recall an early childhood memory that involved singing. Can you remember the mood that was created?

Regardless of comments about your voice over the years, do you sing? How often? Does singing bring you joy?

When you take a car trip, it's a great time to sing with your family. Could you find a song book or compile your own for the adults and older children to bring on your trips? It's a fun way to pass the time together.

Another time besides travelling when people traditionally have sung is when working. Do you know any "work" songs? How about "I've been working on the railroad."?

Do you think that there is a basic repetoire of songs that everyone needs to know? If so, make a list and start singing them with your children so they will can learn them, too.

singing with children

Parents have been asking for the words to the songs we sing in the parent-toddler program so I thought I would share some songs and also something about singing.
My singing teacher, Mary Schunemann, has compiled several lovely song books that come with CD's so you can learn them directly from Mary who has an angelic singing voice. Mary has since deceased but her company, "Naturally You can Sing" and her songs live on.

In Mary's book, "Lavender Blue Dilly Dilly", she writes about why we whould sing.
"Singing can change the world; for when we sing, we change ourselves. We, the citizens of the world, are in great need of joy and peace, clamness and exuberance. When we sing we can create all of these moods, and thereby shift and balance our breathing and blood circulation. Through singing we can create a sense of health and well being, which leads to a calming of the brain waves, a vitalizing of our organs, and the enlivnening of our endocrine system. In addition to these healthy-giving benefits for oneself and the whole community, it is just plain fun! Let us bring our singing culture alive again and give our children this tremendous gift of health and joy for life!"

Some circle songs:

Oh great spirit, earth, wind, sky and sea
You are inside and all around me.

Good morning dear earth,
Good morning dear sun,
Good morning dear stones and flowers every one.
Good morning dear animals and birds in the tree.
Good morning to you, good morning to me.

King Winter now is in the land, he reigns with cold and freezing hand.
He makes Jack Frost touch nose and toes and brings us white and shining snow.

All shall be well, all shall be well.
All manner of things shall be well.