Love is born

I am writing on the winter solstice. We have finished journeying inward to the shortest, darkest day of the year; we are headed back out toward the light that will peak on the summer solstice, the longest day of the year. What do we find in the darkness, the emptiness, the womb that is available on this day? In the Christian tradition, the return of the light comes in the form of an infant. Any parent knows that with the birth of a child, a new love awakens in us. It is gentle and fierce, quiet and outspoken, self-possessed and generous. What gives us courage in the face of illness, death and conflict? What brings us immeasurable joy? It's love. Nothing has more power and weight although it is formless and light. It its purest most spiritual form, it is empty of judgment, need or agenda. Still yourself and look within during this darkest time of the year and find pure love in it. You will know the blessings of the holy days.

When it is Dark, Hold onto your Spark!

In early November, at the Rose Garden Early Childhood Center in Buffalo, we construct lanterns to shelter the light that we carry into the darkness during our Lantern Walk festival. When we walk with our lanterns through the cold, dark evening, a gust of wind or drop of rain could put out the fire, so we stay together in case we need to share a light, a lantern or a hand. We walk, sing, and gather around the fire. While we are encircling the fire with our lanterns in hand, we marvel at the spectacle. The experience leaves an imprint on our souls, one of light and the warmth of community. The Lantern Walk festival or Martinmas is part of our annual rhythms that celebrate nature’s cycles and our humanity. They are important and meaningful but not enough nourishment to keep the inner light glowing through the long, dark winter. We need daily, weekly and monthly practices to keep us grounded in our bodies and elevated in our thoughts. Through a process of trial and error and then habit building, I have come to start my day with movement and meditation before leaving my bedroom in the morning. This practice is followed by healthy food and certain hygienic routines. These routines provide strength and steadiness, inner preparation for meeting the external demands of the day. Now that they are habits, they do not require thinking, just doing. My body like our festival lanterns is a house for the light, the light of my soul and spirit, so I take care of it. I also choose to wear clothing that is seasonally appropriate and comfortable, ready to meet the elements. Often the colors of the day as indicated by Rudolf Steiner influence my clothing decisions. I enjoy the full rainbow of colors. Noticing the quality of each day and enjoying the grain of the day are rhythms also; they keep us connected to nature and something greater than ourselves. In my office, I have certain tasks on certain days of the week, some daily, others weekly or monthly. My rhythms are regular but not rigid. If there is a child or teacher who needs help, the office work can wait. Throughout the day, I try to stop and notice that I am blessed, that life is good and that I have so much to be grateful for. In spite of these practices, there are times that I feel the light flickering or threatening to go out. At those times, I notice and acknowledge what I am experiencing, to be true to myself. Then I whisper a prayer for help, for gratitude, for perspective. I might share my experience with someone and before too long, find the humor in it. There is nothing like a good laugh to encourage a tiny spark of light to grow. Although a particular moment may be challenging, I know that whatever it is, just like the cold days and long, dark nights of winter, it will pass. Spring will come again and the light will return. In the meantime, we trust the spark of light that is nurtured in our souls will grow. If it does happen to flicker or go out, we stay close to bask in the glow of other lanterns’ light, and we remember the sight of lanterns burning bright in a cold and starry night.

Bridging the Gap between Brain Research and Practices

I heard an excellent message at a conference last Friday presented by Human Behavior Specialist, Jeanine Fitzgerald. Jeanine brought research about brain development and her experiences with powerful stories and levity. We in the audience laughed heartily and wiped tears from our eyes. If I had to put it in a nutshell, the message was to love children so they truly feel it and to provide an environment that supports healthy development. The research about brain development is there; it has been for many years. For one, behavior modification does not work. Stickers and charts are vehicles of coercion and manipulation that will never replace the power of authentic human interactions in teaching appropriate behaviors. In authentic relationships, we take care of a child's needs, and the outcome is for the child to become whomever he or she is meant to be. Belonging is key but fitting in is not essential (humans are unique). We create a feeling of belonging by sharing love and understanding and providing an environment that supports healthy development. Begin by removing the distractions. They include: screen time, too much stuff, not enough community, too much time in the car, not enough time overall (lots of hurrying) and exposure to violence. Steer clear of them; they contribute to increased impulsivity, irritability and anxiety. By removing them, we create space for healthy development. Practices that support brain development are: proper nutrition, age-appropriate expectations, sufficient time, managed stress (reducing the number of transitions and not hurrying for example), social support and movement. As far as movement goes, children need to experience being upside down, spinning, rolling, crashing, rocking and heavy lifting to develop their brains. When they do, they gain confidence and grow comfortable in their own skin. Developing children deserve a movement rich environment as well as nutritious food, healthy relationships and age-appropriate expectations; that's how we bridge the gap between research and practice. If you are interested in observing an environment where healthy brain development is supported by all the above, please come for a tour of the Rose Garden Early Childhood Center on a Thursday morning at 9:00 a.m.. Feel free to bring a friend, just email us first so we put out enough tea cups.

I don't want to go to school!

What do you do when your child resists going to school in the morning? I don't mean simply saying, "I don't want to go"; that's not how young children express themselves. I mean ear-splitting, gut-wrenching, heart-breaking cries and gluing to your leg along with other actions likely to rattle the nerves of even the most well rested, relaxed parent. First of all, make sure your child is fit (not sick) and that the environment of the school supports healthy childhood development. Then look within and notice the thought that something is wrong or that you must be a bad parent or this would not be happening. Acknowledge the feeling that accompanies the thought, and replace it with one like this. "He is doing this because he does not want to go outside his comfort zone. This is what children do to assert their will. It is my job as a good parent to "school" his will and to teach him that this is not an effective way of getting what he wants." Remember that children can hold only one attachment at a time so if you want him to attach to another adult, you have to let go. Then hug your child, tell him you love him and say, "This is what we are doing. We are getting ready to go to school now. You will play, make friends and learn there." When your child persists (and most do because their will is powerful although unschooled), then repeat the mantra. "This is what we are doing now" and carry on, remembering to keep calm (even if it is an act). Your calm demeanor and reassuring words will go a long way and eventually your child will learn that he/she can get along without you, but that lesson comes with experience, experience he does not have yet. Remember For now, he will have to place his trust in you rather than focusing on his fear of the unknown. In the long run, trusting you is an important lesson for him to learn, the foundation for many more to come.

Play and Human Development

I think a lot about play, observe it frequently, and read the research. Yesterday I heard a newscaster describe a public kindergarten program as school "not just play and a nap". Just play I thought, wondering if people have read the research that supports the importance of play. According to play specialist Stuart Brown, "play is not just joyful and energizing - it's deeply involved with human development and intelligence." It's been proven that "nothing lights up the brain like play. Three-dimensional play fires up the cerebellum, puts a lot of impulses into the frontal love (executive portion) and helps contextual memory and attention development". The opposite of play is not work as many would suggest, but it's depression. Life without play lacks humor, flirtation, movies, games, fantasies, etc.. Humans are designed to play lifelong, unlike other animals who play only in their early development. It increases our adaptability; so it is more than fun, is it vital. Its purpose is the act of doing it. It increases our sense of belonging and our survival may depend on it. When they researched play in rats, one group was allowed to play and the other was not. When presented with the smell of a cat, both groups hid but only the group that practiced play ventured back out to check that the threat was gone. The other group continued to hide and starved to death. In the words of Stuart Brown, "preschool kids should be allowed to dive, run, whistle, scream, be chaotic, and develop through that a lot of emotional regulation and a lot of the other byproducts - cognitive, emotional and physical, that come as part of rough and tumble play." Did you know that both NASA and Boeing in their hiring process, ask if the applicants have worked and played with their hands? They do this because those are the people they want to hire; they are better problem-solvers. So what if we stopped undervaluing play and set up environments for young children to fully express their playful nature and learn what they need to learn in the process? Perhaps adults would remember their playful side, too. Do an experiment and bring a sense of play to your work and life today, then notice the effect and check out Stuart Brown's TedTalk "Play is more than just Fun".

Intervening in Children's Outdoor Play

Intervening in Outdoor Play The playground is a microcosm of society. All the forces of nature and human temperaments come into play, less contained than indoors. In early childhood, these forces are unrefined. According to Psychologist, Wendy Mogel, things that are considered normal in early childhood would be pathological in adults. The children are early in the journey toward social responsibility. Opportunities to teach lessons arise on a regular basis when children are free to explore in a healthy way. What kind of questions do we ask ourselves when we are outdoors with children? We ask who are the leaders in the play and how can we reinforce the teacher’s voice in their heads? How can we ensure the safety of the children? How can we address disharmony when it occurs? If it takes a community to raise children, how can we work with agreement so the children hear the same message from all the adults? If parents witness an event in the playground, it is usually during a festivals or transition times. These are the times when issues of who is in charge get murky and so children can engage in attention getting behaviors. Here are some guidelines to help address situations when they arise. 1. We work with a picture of human development that involves children learning by imitation. Hence we model social responsibility, equanimity, positivity and interest in others. 2. We work with objectivity. If we see a child do something, we report what we saw, not what we think or feel about it. We do not judge children or parents. This objectivity takes time to develop and our training supports us in this practice. The fruits of objectivity allow us to keep from enmeshing facts with our opinions and feelings. 3. We acknowledge the children’s feelings by labelling and expressing them. “I see you are frustrated (or another feeling)”. This is the first step to showing a child how to express their own feelings as in “I am frustrated” rather than acting them out. 4. We read the children’s behaviors as a call for attention when they have gotten in over their heads social, and we keep them close to us at these times. 5. We recognize the leaders in play and reinforce the rule that you cannot hurt anybody. At the same time that the children are building peer relationships, we want the words of the adults to come to mind rather than those of peers. 6. We encourage children to find a teacher if things are going awry. 7. We ask children to help make it right when something has happened, by returning a toy for example, or getting a glass of water or a tissue for tears. Rather than insisting that a child apologizes, although at times this might be appropriate, we make the situation right by bringing comfort. Actions are more meaningful than words at this age. All adults can intervene, but for the sake of continuity and to keep from confusing the children, we need to operate from a place of agreement about how we address situations. Children so benefit from consistency and adults working together to create it.

Preparing the Nest

My husband and I have enjoyed watching birds nest and birth babies in the grape arbor over our deck. We have seen them gather materials to fluff up the nest in spring when they return to it after the winter. When we hear the high-pitched peeping of the hungry babies, we watch the mama and papa birds gather and distribute food into their open mouths. By the end of the outdoor season, the activity overhead ends and all the birds, including the little ones, have flown from the nest. There is a lot of cooperation between mama and papa bird while they prepare the nest, feed their young, and then send them out to build their own nests. We, too are nest-builders here, considering what we do to prepare for the children to come. After meeting the parents, we receive an application and the process of clarifying dates and collecting paperwork begins. Most is done through email or the postal services so there is a period of little "face" contact. During this time, the teacher chooses a symbol for the child and prepares both shoe and clothing cubbies. In the office, our roster and staffing charts are adjusted. Contact and billing information is input. Teachers read the child's bio and begin imagining what the child might bring to the group. Then we all anticipate the cubby and starting date. All of this happens at the Center while the parents are gathering supplies, visiting the Doctor and marking the calendar. These are aspects of weaving the nest that will support the child upon arrival. Unlike watching a child play, sing a blessing before the meal, or snuggle into a teacher's lap, they are not especially warm or fun, but they are necessary. Some of the preparations are mandated by our licensor, some by the LifeWays model, and others by our own personal quality standards and procedures. These preparations prior to a child's first day, fortify our heartfelt expression of "Welcome, we are ready and have been waiting for you."

What My Mother Taught Me

I used to wish my mother could teach me about art, music, and literature. Instead, she supported me in studying them from other teachers, at times in distant lands. What my mother did teach me, was how to love and I didn't realize it until much later when I outgrew self-centeredness, but she was patient with me. Apparently, her purpose in sharing this lesson was not immediate gratification. When my mother, now elderly, recently moved from one care facility to another that could meet her growing needs, we heard from the staff at the first center. They told us how much they loved my mother and that did not surprise me because my mother is quite lovable. She has a twinkle in her eye and a good sense of humor. However, it gave me pause to hear them say that they were touched by how much love we gave our mother. They said that if they could give her a small percentage of what we gave her, they would be doing well. My mother had eight children. We all love our mother and what's more, we all love each other, enjoy each other's company, and continue caring for my mother as her circumstances become more challenging. Really. I never thought that was a big deal, it was just how it was. That is until I heard from outside observers that no, that is not a given. My mom did something right to create that result. What did she do? She valued relationships and thought it was her job to serve them and she taught us to do the same. When I would come home from college, she would ask, "Did you call your grandparents?". She would continue asking until I would eventually make the call and visit them and believe me, I cherish every memory I have of those remarkable people. My mother taught us to value our family, our friends, our neighbors, our school communities and any other community we were a part of. We are in this together was her message and the glue that holds us together is love. So I learned about art, music, and literature on my own and my life is enriched by it, but I learned about love from my mother and my life is empowered by it. Love is not a mere sentiment, it is a practice, one that fuels right action. That action dignifies our lives and those we meet. Thanks Mom.

Creating Ripeness

Working with children, we focus on transitions a lot since comings and goings present the greatest challenges. How do we prepare for them? What does readiness look like? When a child is ripe for a transition, it involves less struggle. Their will is engaged. Whereas if we try to force a transition before a child is ready or we bring about sudden change, we will likely meet the child's counter will, a term coined by Gordon Neufeld and experienced by any parent who has met with their child's resistance. Therefore, it's important to plan for smooth transitions whenever possible. There is a lot we can do to prepare, beginning with a decision from the parent followed by confident, clear guidance for the child. Scripting helps. For example: "We are going to the zoo and when we are there, we will visit the animals who are outside and have a snack before we go home to nap. If we get tired along the way, we will end our visit early. We can always go back again." Children, like fruit or flowers develop and move at their own pace and time and it is not for us to judge but to accept. What if we allowed the mission of early childhood to be creating ripeness in an unhurried but thorough way? The child who is really ripe to transition might even appear bored. Rather than fret about it, we can see it as an indicator of readiness and ripeness.

A Healthy Childhood Takes Time

We live in a fast world. Life is busy, full and often rushed. Although our sense of time may be skewed due to all the hurrying, time remains a precious resource. Have you ever noticed that when you are fully present, time seems to stand still or to expand? Those experiences are soul nourishing. That's what we want for our young children. Early Childhood takes time, it's about experiencing life in its breadth or wholeness. At the Rose Garden, we are fully present to the slow change of the seasons, daily life, weekly rhythms including the slow rising and baking of the bread; we take time to attend to what is happening. In the springtime, we plant wheat grass seeds in little baskets, place them near a window, water them and then watch for them to grow. First a little green pokes out and then, slowly and steadily, our basket fills with spring green grass. I love to hear stories about children who have come to the Rose Garden and had these life experiences. Recently, a teacher from a school visited and told me about a girl in her classroom who came from the Rose Garden. This teacher noticed how the girl utilizes time well; she is interested in what is happening around her and is never bored. She is content to play alone or with others. I remember this little girl when she came to the Rose Garden at 18 months of age. She was inquisitive, she ran, almost never walked and she often fell down in her enthusiasm to get places. When she left the Rose Garden Early Childhood Center, she was five and a half years old and ready to go to school. Still curious and eager, she had learned persistence, patience, even to walk instead of running all the time. In those four years, we watched, guided and waited for her growth. When she would whine about something, we reminded her to use her words. When she would run and trip, we reminded her to use her walking feet. When she grew impatient with the process of putting on so many layers of outdoor clothes, we sat with her and helped or just waited until she was dressed and ready to go outside. During those four years, she learned many lessons and built a healthy relationship with herself, her teachers, other children, the environment and with time. Given time to grow, time to learn about life and herself, time to engage in meaningful activity through work and play, she did. Young children meet life with wide open arms and when life meets them in the same way, a healthy childhood happens. It is filled with real experiences, with wonder and with delight. Instead of losing time by not rushing into abstract learning, the child gains time to build a treasure trove of meaningful experiences. Most importantly, she learns how to use a precious resource: time.

Signs of Spring

When the sunlight is dwindling in autumn, we consciously create lanterns as a symbol for our hearts, which are containers for warmth and light throughout the cold winter months. Then when the snow flies and the winds blow, the warmth lives in our hearts. It's safe there. Incidental meetings with others and their uplifting quality are infrequent in winter - it's too cold to stop and chat for long, but we can keep our hearts warm by practicing positivity and equanimity. We know spring will come again, winter will not last forever. When we consciously hold the light with open minds and hearts, we notice the first signs of spring. The longer days, the quality of the sunlight, the bubbling up of energy in the children: these are signs that spring is coming. Underground, long before the shoots pop up, we recognize the energy. On Candlemas day, we celebrate the return of the light by making candles. Then with hearts and terms of endearment, we celebrate our relationships on Valentine's Day. February is a month of baby steps towards spring. It requires faithfulness. The overt signs of spring are as of yet unseen but we await them with joyful anticipation. This is the same kind of faithfulness that helps us while watching our children grow. Although we may not yet see the behaviors we are hoping for, we can recognize the signs that they are coming and hold a picture of who our children are becoming steadfast in our hearts.

Winter's Quiet

I love quiet. It nourishes my soul. I relish slow pacing; it restores my body. Winter is quiet and slow. Therefore, I love winter although, I sometimes forget this fact. Quiet and slow are not popular in this loud and busy society. Hence, winter is counter-cultural. It provides opportunities for quieting and slowing down. When it's very cold and snowing, the weather encourages us to stay home. In my quiet indoor space, there's room to rest, to reflect, to plant seeds of renewal that will grow in the spring. Last weekend, I got the flu and spent most of my time in bed: sleeping, sipping tea and reading on and off. I have a plan for next year, unprovoked by illness, I'm going to spend a weekend in January in bed. I'll choose the January renewal weekend and put it on the calendar. Then on Friday night, I will gather a pile of books and a basket of teas. When I wake up on Saturday, I'll go downstairs, get my tea and then return to red, to read, to write and to rest. I'll go no further than my feet can carry me. I'll take in no more sensory information than enters my technology-free bedroom. I'll wear warm pajamas and woolen sox. That's my plan, to surrender to winter, to embrace the quiet. After all, I do love it.