Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Love's other name: Discipline

I wish I could say that I came up with that phrase, I didn't, but I went to the Gateways conference with that title at the Toronto Waldorf School last weekend. The keynote speaker was Sharifa Oppenheimer who wrote, Heaven on Earth, the handbook for parenting young children. Sharifa has spent her life's work thinking about family cultures, raising children and teaching in Waldorf early childhood programs. She has the knack of making it seem simple due to her years of research and experience.

When she spoke, I couldn't help but notice Sharifa's manner. She was very focused and an excellent presenter, but she was very relaxed. In her talk, Sharifa mentioned the importance of being self-disciplined rather than driven which is a common way of being in our culture. Driven, she said is unsustainable and actually destructive whereas self-disciplined involves a sense of self which is lacking when we are driven. By opening with the distinction between driven and self-disciplined, Sharifa noted that it won't work if we take on her suggestions in a driven sort of way, but it's better to commit to making one change at a time. This kind of change is sustainable.

Discipline is a word that is defined by Webster as "punishment" so it's no wonder that many of us are ambivalent about it. Sharifa reframed the word, noting that the root of discipline is disciple which means to lovingly follow. Children are programmed from birth to lovingly follow us so it's our job to lovingly lead, to set limits that give our children information about how the world works. That's a more appealing picture of discipline.

In order to do this, we need a plan. We need to have family rhythms in place, plenty of time for child's play, artistic activities as well as family work and play. We need to find a way to say yes as much as possible so that when we say no it is more impactful. Our consciousness needs to be clear so we are firm and kind, able to use simple, non-emotional statements. Even with this strong structure and habits in place, we will have times, usually during transitions, when our children present us with "disciplinary moments".

What do we do then? According to Sharifa, there are five steps to follow.
1. Look at our outer rhythms. Do we need to make a change for the seasons or has our child outgrown a nap or a certain ritual we have in place? Then adjust the rhythm.
2. Look at our inner rhythms. Are we feeling out of sync because we are tired or hungry or feeling upset?. Then make self-adjustments.
3. Distract the child. For example the two-year-old is knocking over her big brother's block castle. Show her the bird out the window and engage in observation and a conversation about the bird so she forgets about the castle.
4. Bring her into the adult rhythm. "Come stand by me while I do the dishes. We'll pull up a chair so you are tall enough."
5. If she persists in going back to knock over the castle, bring the child close and put your arm around her and share information in a non-emotional way. For example, "In our house, we are kind to each other. If you continue to knock over your brother's building, you won't be able to play with him."

That's it! When I heard Sharifa share these guidelines, I realized I had heard these steps before. it's our discplinary policy at the Center and I can attest that it works! Children look to us for information, their experience is limited and they know it, but their hearts are open so they make excellent disciples as long as we lovingly lead.