Now it's time to personalize the ideas about caring for the caregiver. I find that when I am writing about a certain topic, it just so happens to be a topic I need to pay attention to myself. It's Tuesday after a holiday weekend and there is a lot of work to be done, two days of work need to fit into one, but I am feeling tired. What would be a caring thing to do? I cannot forget about the things to do but I can keep the list short and my attitude light (only doing the things that need to be done today) and then I can stop when the work is done. Stop thinking about tomorrow's list and take a walk, a bike ride, do some gardening or take a nap. It is self-caring to know when enough is enough,(I am reminding myself).
Questions to ponder:
Do you get enough sleep on a regular basis?
Do you eat right (balanced, healthy food)?
Do you exercise regularly (even a daily walk)?
Do you go to the Doctor and the Dentist regularly for a check-up?
Do you schedule time for recreation (being with friends, going out, reading or whatever else you like to do)?
Do you have a healthy rhythm that allows enough time to do what you have to do or are you often rushing and feeling a bit breathless?
Do you observe nature, it's changes and beauty?
Do you stop to listen and observe your child, taking interest in what he or she is doing or saying and what he or she is becoming?
Do you allow yourself time to reflect on what is happening and your dreams for the future?
Do you choose carefully the information you take in, reading books, seeing movies and surrounding yourself with people that are positive and inspirational?
Do you allow yourself to formulate a picture of your children and your spouse that emphasizes their best qualities, reinforcing those characteristics so they will grow and refraining from criticism?
Did you know that your inner dialogue comes from the things you heard from authorities when you were a child? What kinds of things do you say to your self?
What do you say to your child (in particular when he/she is having a hard time)?
Did you know that making mistakes is a natural part of learning and that it takes three positive comments to balance a negative one and to keep a relationship healthy?
The most important relationship you have is the one with your self. Are you in "right relationship" with your self? What is one new habit you can commit to that is self-caring?
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Monday, May 18, 2009
Caring for the Caregivers
Last week, we explored the stages of human development and this week as promised, we will consider ways to care for the caregivers.
I remember a time in my life when I was especially exhausted and a colleague told me to look for the ways my energy was leaking out. What leaks I wondered? But I held the question in mind and before long, I discovered those leaks and then I set about to find ways to plug up the holes which was not an overnight process but a necessary one. As long as I had energy leaks, it didn't matter how much I slept or how well I ate, I ended up depleted.
That's the first step. Consider where your energy might be leaking out, paying conscious attention to habits that might be invisible. I have found that bearing regrets (I wish I would have...), worrying about the future and generally overcomplicating life are some of the ways that I allow my precious energy to leak out. I'll explain a little what I mean by each of those.
If I am focused on regrets for example, I am not present for the moment and so my attention is divided between what I am doing and what I am thinking about, which is an exhausting state of being. Also, I cannot do anything about the past, it's done and rumination will not produce any good. It's a waste of energy. I trust that we learn the right thing at the right time and this releases regrets and opens the door to compassion. In some ways, we are all slow learners and mistakes are a part of the learning process. Reflecting about the past, however, and considering new ways to approach situations is a fruitful exercise, but that is not what I am talking about here.
Worrying about the future and what might come to pass is another way our energy leaks out. I like to picture the Grimm's Fairy Tale, "Clever Elsie" when I consider the effects of projecting negative outcomes. It's the story in which a young woman is celebrating her engagement and goes down into the basement to get something. There she finds a hatchet over the stairwell and she sits down to cry because she imagines that one day she might have a child who will then go downstairs and the hatchet might fall on his head and kill him. One by one family members go downstairs looking for the person who left the table last and when each one hears the story, he or she sits down and cries.
Now that is a rather funny picture of worrying about the future and my favorite antidote to worry is humor. I cannot laugh about something and worry about it at the same time. That's not to say that sad things will not happen, they definitely will but worrying about them will not prepare us to meet them when they come. Worry depletes us and like an active toddler, our thinking can quickly dash off into negative imaginings that feed our worries. Better to stay in the present reality, perceiving what comes and trusting we will know what to do when challenges arrive. Again worrying is not the same as honestly accessing a situation and feeling concern, then planning a course of action. It is imagining a negative outcome before it arrives or rather getting ahead of ourselves and it requires some mental muscle not to engage in it.
Overcomplicating things is another way we diffuse our energy. There is great value to keeping life simple. By that I mean, to take time to plan and be clear about what you are doing, paring it down to the essentials. For example, when you simplify your children's toy collection, you find it is easier to clean up and it reduces stress for both of you. Also, it makes it simpler for your child to determine what he or she wants to play with. Another way to simplify is to set up a weekly and daily rhythm so you don't have to rethink what needs to be done every day or be concerned that you won't get to something.
Sunday could be the day for visiting grandparents and eating chicken. Monday might be soup day and laundry day. Tuesday might be spahetti and dusting day. In this way of assigning meals and activities to certain days of the week, you not only make grocery-shopping easier but you know you will get to all the chores you need to do in the course of the week. Again, you can experience what it is you are doing, with the freedom of having a plan for doing all the things you need to do. Children enjoy this kind of predictable rhythm (with some exceptions of course); it makes them feel secure and helps them to develop good habits.
Another way to simplify life is to consider planning your day so that it breathes. By this I mean having activity that is an in-breath (gathering resources) followed by an out-breath (letting go). That means doing something that is formed like going to the supermarket followed by something that is less restrictive, like playing in the yard. This also teaches children about balance and seems to expand the amount of time there is in a day and the amount of energy we have to give to it.
Another noteworthy reminder that involves all three of the energy leaks mentioned already, is minimizing effort or being efficient with energy. For example, if I am writing on the computer and I am clenching my jaw (because I am worrying about something), I am using more physical energy than I need to. I might have tightness in my neck after I finish my work as well as fatigue. If we pay attention inwardly, we can discover the ways that we tighten our muscles more than a task requires causing tension and exhaustion. It's not just getting the job done, but how we reach our goals that matters.
In a nutshell, these energy leaks are ways of thinking/being that rob us of the present moment. They can creep into our day and consume great amounts of our time and energy. The good thing is that once we find the leaks, we can plug them up with conscious effort and although we may not actually have more time, being present feels like it. There is a feeling of time expanding when we are in the moment and not divided by our thoughts. This way of being is also the most nourishing to our children who cannot understand when we are there but not really there because we are distracted by our own thoughts rather than witnessing life as it is happening. Children become less needy when they are held by this kind of consciousness.
Next week, we will reflect on ways to fill up energy reserves but first consider where you might have leaks.
I remember a time in my life when I was especially exhausted and a colleague told me to look for the ways my energy was leaking out. What leaks I wondered? But I held the question in mind and before long, I discovered those leaks and then I set about to find ways to plug up the holes which was not an overnight process but a necessary one. As long as I had energy leaks, it didn't matter how much I slept or how well I ate, I ended up depleted.
That's the first step. Consider where your energy might be leaking out, paying conscious attention to habits that might be invisible. I have found that bearing regrets (I wish I would have...), worrying about the future and generally overcomplicating life are some of the ways that I allow my precious energy to leak out. I'll explain a little what I mean by each of those.
If I am focused on regrets for example, I am not present for the moment and so my attention is divided between what I am doing and what I am thinking about, which is an exhausting state of being. Also, I cannot do anything about the past, it's done and rumination will not produce any good. It's a waste of energy. I trust that we learn the right thing at the right time and this releases regrets and opens the door to compassion. In some ways, we are all slow learners and mistakes are a part of the learning process. Reflecting about the past, however, and considering new ways to approach situations is a fruitful exercise, but that is not what I am talking about here.
Worrying about the future and what might come to pass is another way our energy leaks out. I like to picture the Grimm's Fairy Tale, "Clever Elsie" when I consider the effects of projecting negative outcomes. It's the story in which a young woman is celebrating her engagement and goes down into the basement to get something. There she finds a hatchet over the stairwell and she sits down to cry because she imagines that one day she might have a child who will then go downstairs and the hatchet might fall on his head and kill him. One by one family members go downstairs looking for the person who left the table last and when each one hears the story, he or she sits down and cries.
Now that is a rather funny picture of worrying about the future and my favorite antidote to worry is humor. I cannot laugh about something and worry about it at the same time. That's not to say that sad things will not happen, they definitely will but worrying about them will not prepare us to meet them when they come. Worry depletes us and like an active toddler, our thinking can quickly dash off into negative imaginings that feed our worries. Better to stay in the present reality, perceiving what comes and trusting we will know what to do when challenges arrive. Again worrying is not the same as honestly accessing a situation and feeling concern, then planning a course of action. It is imagining a negative outcome before it arrives or rather getting ahead of ourselves and it requires some mental muscle not to engage in it.
Overcomplicating things is another way we diffuse our energy. There is great value to keeping life simple. By that I mean, to take time to plan and be clear about what you are doing, paring it down to the essentials. For example, when you simplify your children's toy collection, you find it is easier to clean up and it reduces stress for both of you. Also, it makes it simpler for your child to determine what he or she wants to play with. Another way to simplify is to set up a weekly and daily rhythm so you don't have to rethink what needs to be done every day or be concerned that you won't get to something.
Sunday could be the day for visiting grandparents and eating chicken. Monday might be soup day and laundry day. Tuesday might be spahetti and dusting day. In this way of assigning meals and activities to certain days of the week, you not only make grocery-shopping easier but you know you will get to all the chores you need to do in the course of the week. Again, you can experience what it is you are doing, with the freedom of having a plan for doing all the things you need to do. Children enjoy this kind of predictable rhythm (with some exceptions of course); it makes them feel secure and helps them to develop good habits.
Another way to simplify life is to consider planning your day so that it breathes. By this I mean having activity that is an in-breath (gathering resources) followed by an out-breath (letting go). That means doing something that is formed like going to the supermarket followed by something that is less restrictive, like playing in the yard. This also teaches children about balance and seems to expand the amount of time there is in a day and the amount of energy we have to give to it.
Another noteworthy reminder that involves all three of the energy leaks mentioned already, is minimizing effort or being efficient with energy. For example, if I am writing on the computer and I am clenching my jaw (because I am worrying about something), I am using more physical energy than I need to. I might have tightness in my neck after I finish my work as well as fatigue. If we pay attention inwardly, we can discover the ways that we tighten our muscles more than a task requires causing tension and exhaustion. It's not just getting the job done, but how we reach our goals that matters.
In a nutshell, these energy leaks are ways of thinking/being that rob us of the present moment. They can creep into our day and consume great amounts of our time and energy. The good thing is that once we find the leaks, we can plug them up with conscious effort and although we may not actually have more time, being present feels like it. There is a feeling of time expanding when we are in the moment and not divided by our thoughts. This way of being is also the most nourishing to our children who cannot understand when we are there but not really there because we are distracted by our own thoughts rather than witnessing life as it is happening. Children become less needy when they are held by this kind of consciousness.
Next week, we will reflect on ways to fill up energy reserves but first consider where you might have leaks.
Monday, May 11, 2009
Child Development and Caregiving
Mother's Day got me thinking about mothering and the notion of mothering mothers. Who cares for the caregivers or thinks about this question? Fathers, grandparents, and friends care about mothers' wellbeing, but do mothers receive the care they need and make time for self a valid enterprise? Where do mothers get the support they really need? Authentic caregiving comes from a heart that is so full, it is spilling over, but with so many things to do and to think about, it's a challenge to find time to take care of ourselves.
Before we discuss the practical aspects of self care (next week), I'd like to explain the model of child development that Waldorf teachers work from. Having a sensible model for human development helps provides a foundation for decision-making and holding the big picture can relieve stress about the smaller decisions. Whereas young children learn by doing and imitation, the portal for adult learning is through the intellect. According to Benjamin Franklin, "all real learning involves a change of behavior", but a behavior change begins with thinking about things in a new way.
Children from birth to seven years of age are rapidly developing their physical bodies. Inner organs are not fully developed until children are three years old so there is much forming that happens outside the womb in those early years. Caring for the young child involves primarily care of the physical body: eating, bathing sleeping, staying warm, building the immune system (often through confronting illnesses), etc. Sensory information goes deeply into the young child (who has no intellectual filters) so carefully choosing the child'd sensory experiences is key.
From seven to fourteen years of age, children are developing their life force (to carry them through a lifetime of physical activity), and the beginning of this phase is marked by the change of teeth. At this point, the physical body has developed so that the child is ready to pursue academic tasks. In other words, the developmental forces that were working on the physical body are now free to work in the realm of learning concepts. This is often a difficult leap for parents in this society when children are encouraged to start academic work at earlier ages, but bear in mind that the children in Finland do not start first grade until seven years of age and they have the highest literacy rate in the world and scores on the European high school exams.
The third stage of development is indicated by the onset of puberty and has to do with the development of the emotional aspect or the soul of the human being. Although young children, of course, have feelings, they do not carry the same weight as the feelings of adolesence when they come from a more personal place rather the general and imitative place of the young child. The soul is a highly invividualized aspect of the human being.
Finally, the fourth seven year cycle is from 21 to 28 years of age, when the thinking of the human begins to blossom. It is a time of trying things out in the world, of taking risks, of learning about how to relate to the world as an independent human being. This is when thoughts come together about how to operate in the world and to move toward one's purpose and meaningful work in the world.
What do children need when they are developing through these stages? In the first stage, while they are gestating their "life force", they need a welcoming picture that the world is good. When they are developing in the second stage, they need a picture that the world is beautiful, in order to develop the soul forces which will begin to blossom in the teen years. Finally, when they are developing the forces of independent thinking, they need a picture of truth held up before them, so they can develop thinking that is indeed, true. Having these ideals set before the developing child makes him or her stronger and more capable of meeting the challenges that come from a world that is less than ideal, just like taking in whole foods makes us stronger and more resilient to eating "junk" food once in a while.
This is a lot of information, I know and I suspect that you might find this thumbnail sketch a little unsatisfying, but this will be an ongoing conversation, I promise. Personally, as a teacher, a mother, and a lifelong learner, I have found this picture of child development to be the most instructive in knowing how to relate to children and especially how to determine what is the right thing to bring at the right time.
Finally, what does all of this have to do with self-care and motherhood? I will get there but first, a look at what is referred to as the pedagogical law. When children are developing physically in the first stage, they are "gestating" or building up their life force so they draw from the life force of the caregivers. Parents and caregivers of young children, no wonder you are so tired! When they are expressing their life force in the second stage, they are gestating their soul forces and so they draw from us emotionally. Ah! Then when they are expressing their souls and developing their thinking, they will draw from us intellectually! Ask any parent of a teenager, they will definitely discover any loopholes in your thinking, encouraging you to think things through carefully to set it right.
Yes, let's return to the first stage when the young child is drawing from our life force to develop their physical bodies and build up their own reserves. It is my intention that having a whole picture of the development of the child in mind is reassuring in the knowledge that this stage, too, shall pass. Beginning with this foundation, we will explore ways to bolster and sustain our life force so we have what we need for our young children and for ourselves.
Before we discuss the practical aspects of self care (next week), I'd like to explain the model of child development that Waldorf teachers work from. Having a sensible model for human development helps provides a foundation for decision-making and holding the big picture can relieve stress about the smaller decisions. Whereas young children learn by doing and imitation, the portal for adult learning is through the intellect. According to Benjamin Franklin, "all real learning involves a change of behavior", but a behavior change begins with thinking about things in a new way.
Children from birth to seven years of age are rapidly developing their physical bodies. Inner organs are not fully developed until children are three years old so there is much forming that happens outside the womb in those early years. Caring for the young child involves primarily care of the physical body: eating, bathing sleeping, staying warm, building the immune system (often through confronting illnesses), etc. Sensory information goes deeply into the young child (who has no intellectual filters) so carefully choosing the child'd sensory experiences is key.
From seven to fourteen years of age, children are developing their life force (to carry them through a lifetime of physical activity), and the beginning of this phase is marked by the change of teeth. At this point, the physical body has developed so that the child is ready to pursue academic tasks. In other words, the developmental forces that were working on the physical body are now free to work in the realm of learning concepts. This is often a difficult leap for parents in this society when children are encouraged to start academic work at earlier ages, but bear in mind that the children in Finland do not start first grade until seven years of age and they have the highest literacy rate in the world and scores on the European high school exams.
The third stage of development is indicated by the onset of puberty and has to do with the development of the emotional aspect or the soul of the human being. Although young children, of course, have feelings, they do not carry the same weight as the feelings of adolesence when they come from a more personal place rather the general and imitative place of the young child. The soul is a highly invividualized aspect of the human being.
Finally, the fourth seven year cycle is from 21 to 28 years of age, when the thinking of the human begins to blossom. It is a time of trying things out in the world, of taking risks, of learning about how to relate to the world as an independent human being. This is when thoughts come together about how to operate in the world and to move toward one's purpose and meaningful work in the world.
What do children need when they are developing through these stages? In the first stage, while they are gestating their "life force", they need a welcoming picture that the world is good. When they are developing in the second stage, they need a picture that the world is beautiful, in order to develop the soul forces which will begin to blossom in the teen years. Finally, when they are developing the forces of independent thinking, they need a picture of truth held up before them, so they can develop thinking that is indeed, true. Having these ideals set before the developing child makes him or her stronger and more capable of meeting the challenges that come from a world that is less than ideal, just like taking in whole foods makes us stronger and more resilient to eating "junk" food once in a while.
This is a lot of information, I know and I suspect that you might find this thumbnail sketch a little unsatisfying, but this will be an ongoing conversation, I promise. Personally, as a teacher, a mother, and a lifelong learner, I have found this picture of child development to be the most instructive in knowing how to relate to children and especially how to determine what is the right thing to bring at the right time.
Finally, what does all of this have to do with self-care and motherhood? I will get there but first, a look at what is referred to as the pedagogical law. When children are developing physically in the first stage, they are "gestating" or building up their life force so they draw from the life force of the caregivers. Parents and caregivers of young children, no wonder you are so tired! When they are expressing their life force in the second stage, they are gestating their soul forces and so they draw from us emotionally. Ah! Then when they are expressing their souls and developing their thinking, they will draw from us intellectually! Ask any parent of a teenager, they will definitely discover any loopholes in your thinking, encouraging you to think things through carefully to set it right.
Yes, let's return to the first stage when the young child is drawing from our life force to develop their physical bodies and build up their own reserves. It is my intention that having a whole picture of the development of the child in mind is reassuring in the knowledge that this stage, too, shall pass. Beginning with this foundation, we will explore ways to bolster and sustain our life force so we have what we need for our young children and for ourselves.
Monday, May 4, 2009
Reflections on Play
While thinking and writing about play, I feel I am in good company lately. The New York Times Magazine (May 3rd) featured an article called "Kindergarten Cram: Toss out the No. 2 pencils and let them Play". The buzz is coming from the Alliance for Childhood's March 2009 publication called "Crisis in the Kindergarten" which provides evidence of the disappearance of play from kindergartens and all the reasons why we should bring it back. Visit their website and read the 75 page report if you have the time and interest.
For children to experience the benefits of timelessness in the flow of healthy play, it requires a certain attitude and presence from the adults around them, usually an unobtrusive presence, one we might not be practiced in. Let's explore our personal relationship to play and stay open to what we may discover.
What is your most memorable moment of play from your early childhood?
Where were you (indoors or outdoors)?
Where were the adults (if you can remember)?
How much time does your child experience self-initiated play on a typical day?
What do you do while your child plays?
Can you hold yourself back from speaking (judging, interrupting, praising, etc.)?
What do you say when you do engage with your child?
Do you ask her to explain herself, to come out of the flow of play (breaking her focus) for your sake so you can understand or add your opinion?
Are you comfortable with the messiness and trial and error process of play or do you feel the need to guide it in a direction that has meaning for you?
Do you trust your child's innate wisdom, timetable, and the ability to work through life's events and challenges through play?
Is it possible for you to enjoy this phase of learning through imitation and developing imagination or are you looking forward to when the "real" learning will begin?
Is it your job to entertain your child or do you see it as a valid goal for your child to learn to occupy his or herself in play?
If you learned something new about play from reading the last two blogs, write it down or share it with someone to claim that learning. (Teaching is the best way to learn something). Feel free to pass this blog onto people in your contacts list and see if you can rediscover the spirit of play in your busy days, blurring the lines between work and play.
For children to experience the benefits of timelessness in the flow of healthy play, it requires a certain attitude and presence from the adults around them, usually an unobtrusive presence, one we might not be practiced in. Let's explore our personal relationship to play and stay open to what we may discover.
What is your most memorable moment of play from your early childhood?
Where were you (indoors or outdoors)?
Where were the adults (if you can remember)?
How much time does your child experience self-initiated play on a typical day?
What do you do while your child plays?
Can you hold yourself back from speaking (judging, interrupting, praising, etc.)?
What do you say when you do engage with your child?
Do you ask her to explain herself, to come out of the flow of play (breaking her focus) for your sake so you can understand or add your opinion?
Are you comfortable with the messiness and trial and error process of play or do you feel the need to guide it in a direction that has meaning for you?
Do you trust your child's innate wisdom, timetable, and the ability to work through life's events and challenges through play?
Is it possible for you to enjoy this phase of learning through imitation and developing imagination or are you looking forward to when the "real" learning will begin?
Is it your job to entertain your child or do you see it as a valid goal for your child to learn to occupy his or herself in play?
If you learned something new about play from reading the last two blogs, write it down or share it with someone to claim that learning. (Teaching is the best way to learn something). Feel free to pass this blog onto people in your contacts list and see if you can rediscover the spirit of play in your busy days, blurring the lines between work and play.
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