How to Prepare Children for an Unknown Future

Parents are asked to prepare children for the future, while living in the present, having been raised in the past. This reality can invoke fear on the part of modern parents. As a result, overscheduling is a common practice. Parenting consultant, Kim John Payne, however, suggests that Simplicity Parenting and its emphasis on providing time for extended periods of play prepares children for a complex future, whereas rigidly structuring our children's days is a throw back to the 1950's. Times have changed. Our children will not grow up to live and work in a world in which they train for a vocation that will provide them with job security and a pension for their retirement years. Preparation for that kind of world would be well served by heavily structuring children's time so they can according to Payne, "learn things from within a box and meet expectations and people-please". The structured and straightforward world of the past is rapidly deconstructing. Most people agree that our future economy and the skills needed to meet it are based on innovation - the ability to adapt to changing circumstances. Instead of following a strict schedule and rules, the learner who is prepared for the future is capable of figuring out how to find his or her own answers. What does this mean for parents? Simplicity Parenting, as described by Payne, is a way of life that "promotes play and creativity and honors a kid's needs and natural rhythms". Although some see this movement as a privilege for those who will be protected from the harsh realities of modern living (like living in the "Little House of the Prarie" times), Payne says that "nothing could be further from the truth". When children are allowed to have the time and space to get into serious play, they build an inner structure that is capable of innovation and developing the variety of skills that are necessary to meet the future. They become capable of creating their own structure for a life rather than relying on the external structure that no longer exists. It's time to let go of the past, to embrace the present with confidence and prepare our children to meet the future. Frankly, it's more difficult to keep children from practicing innovation than it is to allow them to do so. They have what it takes and through play, they grow in the skill and confidence needed to meet the future come what may.

How We Know What We Know

I am fascinated by how people learn, grow and change. How do we come to know what we know? In the study of knowledge practices or epistemology, ways of knowing can be broken into two groups, masculine and feminine. Masculine knowledge practices are based on information coming from outside sources. When an idea is presented and considered valuable, research is done, and if the concept is proven true, results are presented as fact. Hence, one can read about a research study and acquire knowledge from the outside in. On the other hand, feminine knowledge practices are based on personal experience. Something is known because the individual experienced it as true or conducted personal research. This way of knowing things accounts for the uniqueness of the individual. This is acquiring knowledge from the inside out. Anthroposophy, the spiritual science developed by humanitarian, philosopher and natural scientist, Rudolf Steiner, is a feminine way of knowing things. At the Rose Garden Early Childhood Center, anthroposophic indications inform our work with the children and the teachers' path to self development, although they are never directly taught to children. Steiner's indications are not meant be taken as truth but are rather to be experimented with to see if they are true for the individual. In this way, the individual develops an inner authority and is enpowered to find personal solutions to problems. In order to engage with anthroposophy, it requires an open mind, a willingness to experiment and to track personal results. I thank this spiritual science for the understanding of myself, child development and principles that I bring to my work. It is the fertile ground that the Rose Garden was born into three years ago on September 16th. How do I know that Steiner's indications about early childhood education work? I know that they work because the Rose Garden is a healthy, thriving system, able to learn and grow. Happy Birthday Rose Garden! This month, you wear the birthday crown.

LifeWays Training Graduation

When I graduated from LifeWays about ten years ago, I spoke at the ceremony on behalf of our group. Yesterday, while clearing out my bookshelves, I came across the speech. This time of year, the heat, the humid air, the outdoor activities with the children all remind me of my training experience. Presently, we are putting together a group for the training in Buffalo that will begin this fall. With a feeling of coming full circle, of gratitude and awe, I am sharing the graduation speech below. Time has passed but the sentiments remain the same. "I am grateful to speak on behalf of the LifeWays graduates today and we are all grateful to the mother of LifeWays, Cynthia Aldinger, our dear teacher; to our mentors; and our families who supported us by doing their best to get by without us for three weeks over the summer. Finally or perhaps firstly, we would like to acknowledge all the young children who in Wordsworth's words are "trailing clouds of glory" for they open our hearts and bring us to our senses again and again. Last summer, this group of women met when we participated in the Foundations of Early Childhood class in Maine. When we discovered the meaningful content and engaging presentation, we wanted more than that course and we found out there was more. There was (and is) a LifeWays certification training to partake in, a program that painted a broad but in depth picture of early childhood and allowed each of us to enter into it wherever we were and to take it wherever we will. When the course ended, we went back to our work and during the year, we started doing things differently; making both big and subtle changes. One of us has a new job, another has a baby on the way and another changed her program by extending the day. So when we arrived to study this summer, we were a group of seven women who were ready to learn and we knew why. We had tasted both the training and its benefits. Although seven seems a small number, this group of women represents four countries, even four continents. Our experience with children is collectively extensive although some are just beginning that work. We have unique talents, a shared dedication to home, to ourselves, to our connections with each other and all living things, to the spirit that lives in you and me and in every dear child and parent we meet. Through this training, we feel as if we have been welcomed home, home with a light in the window. Thank you."

Mothers in the merry month of May

It's mothering month and The New York Times Book Review and Time Magazine gave the topic a recent cover. Clearly, it's been extensively analyzed, written about and experienced. Since I'm not an expert on attachment parenting, Chinese, French or Irish mothering, for this post, I'll stick with the experiential. When my sister-in-law was pregnant about 14 years ago, my mother (who raised 8 children) commented that she'll make a good mother. At that time, I wondered what qualities she was referring to, but unfortunately, I didn't ask, and at this time, my mother is unable to remember. Like with most things, I need to look for the answer to my own question. As is turns out, I agree, my sister-in-law is a good mother. She is present, encouraging and consistent not only in the mothering realm but in her own life. Her work outside the home interests and engages her as does her work at home. I've met moms who fit this description and I'm blessed to be in their presence. There's a dear toddler whose mom has been both professional, warm, and light-hearted in our interactions. She takes care of matters concerning her child, communicates clearly with us and follows her intuition. She meets what comes and makes good choices based on the information available and on who she is, avoiding excessive guilt, second-guessing and worry. Her life is full and she doesn't have time or energy to waste or to spin her wheels emotionally. She's clear-thinking, emotionally balanced and appropriately involved. I've watched her hold back to observe her daughter for a few moments before picking her up, then delighting in her child's smile when she is spied. Through experience and careful observation, I've come to conclude that a good mother is one who is engaged and balanced. There is no set of rules that she must follow except for the most basic laws of nature, of getting what she gives, of putting her best foot forward. The self-confident mother makes decisions in alignment with her values and does not sweat the small stuff. When life is busy or unmanageable, she recognizes it and makes adjustments. Then in the retelling, she laughs about herself. This participation in life with clear intentions and actions, an open heart and mental clarity is key to successful mothering. A happy and relaxed mom makes for a happy and relaxed child. It's not something we can learn in a book, life is our teacher. How do we practice it? Participate in a full and active life, pay attention to internal and external cues and let everything else go. You'll make mistakes, but in striving to learn, you'll find your inner mother. Congratulations dear engaged and engaging Mothers. May your lives be full and your month merry.

Seeing Children

"Treat people as if they are what they ought to be and you help them to become what they are capable of being." - Goethe

Last weekend, I went to the NYS Association for Education of the Young Child Conference and sat amongst colleagues; a group with whom I share aspirations and concerns. Together, we focused on the big picture; remembering what is important in our work. Removed from our day to day duties, we listened to speakers, talked amongst ourselves and filled notebooks with ideas of what we can implement in our programs.

I've found the value in revisiting fundamentals at conferences and making them new. For example, we discussed the simple concept that our responses to children are based on our perception of what they need. Anyone who has spent time in the company of children knows the refrain, "look at me". Simply put, children need to be seen. As teachers and caregivers, we must let them know, "I see you" and develop a kind of vision (based on knowing a child's potential) that brings out the best in them. It's a method that can build connections, confidence and success.

How do we learn to see in this way? First of all, we must believe that all children can and want to learn socially appropriate behavior and they are looking to us to teach them. They are doing what they do in order to get their needs met; their social emotional needs to be seen with eyes of acceptance and approval while learning. As long as we value the relationship and staying connected with the child even when the child has lessons yet unlearned, we will look with eyes of acceptance, (or at least fake it until we make it). We will see the small steps of progress. A great way to get started in developing this kind of vision is to write down ten good things we see in a child each day.

Through this work of consciously seeing the child, our eyes begin to glow with warmth like sunshine. While on my lunch break at the conference, I stepped outside of the center, feeling tired and filled up with information. The sun was shining so I sat down on a bench for a few minutes. Afterwards, I felt re-energized and ready to go back inside, open to learning more. It's amazing what sunshine will do for the body, soul and mind of an adult. Can you imagine what the glow of sunshine coming from a caring adult's eyes (no matter what the weather)will do for a child?

Spring Cleaning and Non-attachment

Our society tends toward overabundance: too much stuff, too much information and then too much emotion or even overwhelm about managing it all. It's time for spring cleaning but how can we get rid of the clutter, scale back and grab hold of the essentials?

I have found that a daily practice keeps stuff from becoming too much. However, I still find myself occassionally needing to sort through clutter in my home or office and inwardly, in my mind or heart. When stuff accummulates, I can grow attached to it even it if is not serving me; it feels like mine and can be hard to get rid of.

Sometimes, I get attached to ideas and plans. Even though indications are that a plan will not work, I've been known to hold on to it.

This spring, we had planned to begin hosting the 13 month LifeWays training, actually we had originally planned to begin it in the fall but postponed it until the spring. After several attempts to get the word out, we did not have enough enrollment, so we scaled back.

Instead of a complete LifeWays training, we are going to host a weekend long (20 hour) workshop. Cynthia Aldinger, the LifeWays founder will come to Buffalo to teach it. On Thursday, April 26th at 7:30 p.m., Cynthia will present a lecture called, "Finding Resiliency in a World of Overwhelm". Then on Friday, Saturday and Sunday of that weekend, she will present a workshop on LifeWays Principles for parents, teachers, and all those who care for young children.

At least, that's the plan. We are looking forward to hosting the workshop, holding it with an open hand not a clenched fist. One thing we know for sure is that we will do our spring cleaning and be ready to receive guests. Then we will see who comes.

How did I get here?

We went to the annual WECAN (Waldorf Early Childhood Association of North American)Conference early this month. It's held at Sunbridge Institute just outside New York City. The keynote speaker opened with a question, "How did you get here?" referring to the journey we each took to get to the conference that weekend but also the big picture of how we came to do the work we are doing. The speaker went on to explain his journey to teaching in a Waldorf kindergarten in France, including both the conscious and unconscious components. Then he spoke about his work before he closed with a verse from Rudolf Steiner, a verse that returned us to the opening question.

The wishes of the soul are springing.
The deeds of the will are thriving.
The fruits of life are maturing.

I feel my fate,
My fate finds me.
I feel my star,
My star finds me.
I feel my goals in life,
My goals in life are finding me.
My soul and the great World are one.
Life grows more radiant around me,
Life grows more difficult for me,
Life grows richer within me.

Strive for peace.
Love peace.
Live in peace.

This verse was pinned to the bulletin board in my kitchen for years and I would ponder its meaning and my destiny path. As I look back now, I marvel over what has happened in my life, bearing witness to the words in the verse. I am not afraid of life growing more difficult (as I was when I first encountered the verse) because I now know difficulty is balanced by wonder and sheer delight in meeting a destiny path. As I walk it, it carries me along.

When I was young, my mother stayed at home with eight children and my father would drive to work mornings. During the 1970's, he noticed many women bringing young children to places outside their home for the day. This troubled my father, it was a new social model, one he did not understand and he was concerned about how the children would fare. My father is deceased more than 10 years now and I think of him often and his consistency (never missed a day of work) as well as his sensitivity toward the issue of child care.

Almost ten years ago, I was teaching in the Early Childhood program at Aurora Waldorf School and I wanted to do some training over the summer. I decided to go to the Rudolf Steiner Institute which was then housed on a college campus in Maine. Surveying the course offerings, I chose a LifeWays course because it matched my sensibility of "keeping it simple", empahasizing relationships and processes rather than products in Early Childhood Education.

When I took the course, I found there was an option to continue LifeWays training; I did and became certified. The question of child care that my father posed when I was young, resurfaced and I found the concept of creating a LifeWays Center growing in me. I took steps forward wondering how it would all work out and knowing it would both at the same time.

Through this process, I was brought to the task of social entrepreneurship, a task although difficult, made easier by the knowledge that it's my work to do. At the onset, resources I thought were available were not and other unexpected resources showed up. It's been interesting to discover what is beyond each bend in the road and to see our three year old Center becoming what it is meant to become for in the process, we are all becoming. What a joy to witness what was once invisible now living in the physical world for all to see!

Yet we are not done; we've laid the foundation for hosting a LifeWays training in Buffalo and we are eagerly anticipating what it will become. Soon we will know if there are enough participants for the first Buffalo training to begin in April or if we are meant to find another way. At any rate, we know that what we need to find we will find, and the rest will find us.

Teaching Resilience in Early Childhood

I cleaned out my file cabinet this month, rediscovering articles once buried. One that I found interesting is "Resilience" written by Christof Wiechert and published in "Waldorf Today", an electronic newsletter. Since an increased number of veterans of the Iraq war (more than previous wars) have struggled to re-enter civilian life, researchers have been studying why some people recover from the truama and others don't.

The research is about resilience or the ability to bounce back and overcome the impact of traumatic experiences. Researchers found that resilience is not innate but it's learned in early childhood. To teach resilience, the following five conditions need to be present in early childhood.

1. The infant needs a reliable, stable relationship with one person. In time, a second, third or fourth person can be added but there must be one constant in the early days of a child's life.

2. The child needs authority. Having decisions about what is good, right and healthy made for them allows the child to gain trust that things will be taken care of for her. She grows secure in surroundings that can be relied on to keep her safe.

3. Children need to learn through example. Saying one thing and doing another does not work. Children imitate what they see so they need to be surrounded by people who live according to their moral standards, allowing children to learn habits in a totality, reinforced by what they see and hear. In this way, children do not need to discrimate to find the truth, it's apparent.

4. Children need a qualitative experience of time. They learn about time through experiencing the qualities of the time of day, the seasons of the year and the stages of life. They learn the "feel" of morning and evening, of summer and winter, of the order of things. Rituals that celebrate meals or bedtime and seasonal festivals help to teach the quality of time.

5. The last condition in developing resilience is a surplus of positive school experiences. In particular, children need to feel fully accepted by their teachers, to go to school in a warm, loving environment. Nonethless, children might experience emergencies in life (natural disasters, a loved one gets sick or a parent loses a job, etc.). Hence, schools need to provide opportunities for children to work through the traumas they might experience. Research has shown that creative free play and artistic activities can heal trauma. Hence, art needs to be a part of every educational curriculum.

Blessed by a Baby

Have you ever noticed the hush that surrounds a newborn? The infant's power is to evoke tenderness and wonder. I've witnessed the most burly of men and busy young children slow down to find a tiny voice and a gentle touch before an infant.

I'm blessed to be surrounded by young children who carry a hint of the baby about them. They are innocent, wonderful and powerful in their presence. They remember the look of love that met them when they first arrived. Their expectations of the world can be a better match for heaven but with our guidance, they learn to adapt to life as it is, to bring their best and make the best of our imperfect world.

The challenge of parenting is to gaze lovingly at our growing and at times, demanding children while also bringing ongoing lessons about how life works. In other words, to teach the baby how to be a child who gets along with others and grows up to be an adult who can fulfill his or her purpose and mission. It's a long journey and it begins with the most wonderous and beautiful of beings, the baby.

Perhaps that's why I am so enamored with the Christmas story; it centers around an infant, an image I can relate to. Time begins with this infant, the stars align for him and all the world awaits and celebrates his arrival every year.

At this time of year in the natural world, the light begins its return and on our calendars, the new year begins. It's a time to pause and remember. We were all once infants and by virtue of our humanity, we have the power to experience awe, to be tender with ourselves and others and to begin again.

Another cycle and continuing cycles of life await us. For now, take time to experience wonder, to celebrate and to know the blessing of the baby surrounds us.

Food for Thought

What if you knew you would have more room for positive interactions with your child if you set consistent boundaries?

What if your child would be more more popular and socially integrated if you gave him or her kind but firm guidance and direction?

What if your parenting experience could be made easier if you healed your own childhood wounds, those that block you from implementing parameters your child is asking for?

What if you could heal your past and find freedom to set clear boundaries with your child to foster security, trust and space for more joy and peace in your homelife?

What if your mealtimes, bedtime, getting dressed and going places could be simplified and occasional bumps could be resolved without too much stress and strain?

What if you were the author of your life, creating a family culture like you've dreamed about, embracing authority in your role as parent like wearing a beautiful, loosely fitting and comfortable cloak?

What if you, your partner and your child loved that cloak and you wore it with dignity?

Life is the curriculum; Technology can wait

"A child's life is like a piece of paper on which every passerby leaves a mark."
- Chinese proverb

As an early childhood educator, these marks are my occupation and that's why we chose the LifeWays model, based on Rudolf Steiner's indications about human development. Life is the curriculum for young children. leaving sense and soul- nourishing marks when brought with warmth and joy.

We have a technology-free environment for the children in the Rose Garden Early Childhood Center and so the article on the front page of last Sunday's (October 25, 2011) New York Times called "A Silicon Valley School That Doesn't Compute" got my attention. Many heads of technology companies in Silicon Valley send their children to the Waldorf Schools there, knowing that they do not encounter technology until 8th grade and that's fine with them. They can learn to use this tool when they are ready, after focusing on hands-on creativity during their early childhood and elementary school years.

It's not a matter of whether technology is good or bad but rather a matter of bringing the right thing at the right time. Once the marks of human goodness, beauty and truth are left on a child, then technology has its place as a tool that can enhance connections and creativity. It makes sense to bring "real" life before "virtual" life.

Recently, the American Pediatric Association republished their position about television. They recommend that children two and younger are not exposed to it, citing the physical ramifications of television viewing. A writer for the Huffington Post responded to the APA's position and wrote in favor of television viewing as a relief for parents of young children. She went on to explain how her day involves being "on" for her children, so when she needs to turn "off", the television goes on.

It seems there is social pressure for parents at home with young children to interact, stimulate or entertain them. That is not only unsustainable for parents, it's a set-up for disappointment for children. Life does not work that way. It is not always exciting or entertaining; there are periods of quiet and tedium even. It's learning to embrace the quiet and the everydayness of life that makes us balanced.

We often hear teachers commenting that children have trouble attending in school and that they expect to be enetertained. They are wired for stimulation; that's what they are used to. But what if we taught our children about life, for example that a taste of freshly-baked bread comes after mixing and kneading dough, then baking it and letting it cool? Then there is also the washing dishes and sweeping the flour off the floor. All of that goes into the savory warm bread and it stimulates our senses, nourishing children and adults simultaneously. At the same time, it does not lead parents to desperately need respite in television-viewing for their child because the task itself is not draining, perhaps a quiet book or a nap happens while the bread it in the oven as a part of the plan. That's the way it is with domestic activities, they engage us and bring a breathing in and out as a part of the process.

Today's children will learn about technology when they need to, but for now, I'm grateful for the LifeWays model so they can learn about life, the most important curriculum for developing humans.

Michaelmas Memories

It's Michaelmas day, September 29th, and celebrating the festival brings back memories of years past. I picture my children wearing red, my daughter's long hair braided, both with shining eyes as they watched the dragon writhing during an assembly in their Waldorf School.

On this festival, we have shared a harvest loaf and song, tossed shooting stars made of silk and ribbons, and hiked in the woods. This is the celebration of Michael, who was known for vanquishing the dragon. Besides social festivities, adults find a chance for self development by recognizing inner dragons in order to keep them at bay. The image for the festival is that of the horseman pointing his sword toward the dragon surrendering at his feet.

This is the time of year that we reap the harvest and begin preparations for the winter months ahead. We embrace Michaelmas stories of heavenly fire coming down to earth through shooting stars and iron rich raisins that we knead into our harvest loaf. We shore up our strength, exercising our will to be the best we can be. Fortified by a rich celebration with friends and family, we enter the season of Michaelmas ready to do our work.

Gibran on Children

On Children
Kahlil Gibran

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.

The Promise of a Rose Garden

There's a song from the 70's that I don't expect you to remember since many of you were not yet born, but it's called "I never promised you a Rose Garden." Sometimes I consider what that phrase means, because well, I do promise a Rose Garden. The name of the Center was chosen for many reasons: my mother's name is Rosemary, the program emphasizes outdoor play and kindergarten (a German word) translates into Child's Garden. Besides, I love roses, how they look, smell, feel and even taste. Their beauty inspires me as it has many poets and writers in the past.

June is the month roses bloom in Buffalo and whenever I see them, it gives me pause. I know, however, they do not get that way without some effort. I've planted a few bushes and have learned what it takes to help a bush survive its first winter and then to produce red, velvety blossoms on its thorny branches. It's always helpful if the bush comes to me with a strong root system and I get it in the ground as soon as possible. When planting a rose bush, I build up a mound of compost-rich soil around it, water it if it gets dry and remove weeds or ground cover that tries to grow too close to it, and then I step back and watch, noting signs of growth or the need to cut back a dead branch (wearing gloves so to not get pricked by thorns), getting excited when buds appear and progress into blossoms that eventually drop their petals leaving the tight pink bulb that's called rosehips. It makes a delicious tea rich in Vitamin C.

There are three main factors involved in growing roses:

1. the root factor or the innate health of the rosebush
2. the care factor or how well it is tended (knowing when to step in and when to step back)
3. the miracle factor or how forces beyond our control make a thorny branch produce roses

Back to the 70's hit, it mentions "along with the sunshine, there's got to be a little rain sometime." Surely, it takes both sun and rain for a rose to grow. it seems to me that promising a rose garden is a promise of balance since beautiful roses grow on thorny branches. You cannot have one without the other. It represents life on life's terms, wanting the best but accepting and working with what comes, continually watering and weeding and watching.

Children come to us with their own root systems. At the Rose Garden, we tend, weed, water and feed nutrient rich food. Then we step back and await the miracle of growth and development that makes roses and children bloom, and we celebrate it.

Mothering

I have the privelege of being in the company of many mothers; all of whom are caring and doing their best to raise their children. My hat goes off and my heart goes out to them for I know that the journey is one that can bring us both to our knees as well as jumping for joy, sometimes all in the same day. Overall, it is a daily practice that requires us to meet what comes with an open heart one day at a time.

What does it take to mother consciously in spite of the prevailing insecurity of our times? When I ponder this question, a mother comes to mind who appears to have found inner balance enough to remain calm in the face of life's daily challenges. Children are reassured by a calm presence and it is a joy to be around her. My guess is that this mother's temperament helps her to stay unruffled but no matter what we have been given, how can we cultivate calm in the presence of the ever-excited little beings that are our children?

There are always two strands of information coming to us; one from the outside that includes time, weather, our child's mood or state of health, resources available, etc. and the other strand of information comes from within including our feelings, thoughts, judgments, history, etc. How do we carefully observe both the outer realities as well as the inner ones to respond consciously rather than react to circumstances? First of all, staying calm allows us enough time to notice both strands of information and to choose our response, rather than reacting.

Conscious mothering involves taking in external information while cultivating our inward response. It means:

Even when our child is unhappy or struggling (in a situation that has been determined to be good) a mother can choose to affirm her child's strength and trust that she will pull through.
Trust comes from the inside.

Even when we are in a hurry because we are late in getting somewhere, a mother can choose to stay calm and go forward without rushing. Acting deliberately gets us to the goal faster.
Calm is a gesture that comes from the inside; it's a practice.

Even if our child is shy, we can bring her to a place where she can learn social skills. We can enourage her growth in spite of resistance by bringing what she needs instead of what she craves which could be to stay home.
Encouragement is generated from the inside, coming from a strong heart (the french word for heart is coeur).

Even though a child does not want to wear clothing for the weather, a mother can insist that she dress for the season rather than changing whims. In this way, inner resolve meets outward information to foster common sense and balance.
Authority comes from the inside.

Even if our child develops according to her own timetable and has her own idiosycracies (like all of us), we can accept and love her just as she is, mirroring a warm and calm presence like sunshine that will validate her and help her become all she can be in her own time and in her own way.
A steady, sunny disposition comes from the inside.

Happy Mothering Month and blessings on your journey.

Love's other name: Discipline

I wish I could say that I came up with that phrase, I didn't, but I went to the Gateways conference with that title at the Toronto Waldorf School last weekend. The keynote speaker was Sharifa Oppenheimer who wrote, Heaven on Earth, the handbook for parenting young children. Sharifa has spent her life's work thinking about family cultures, raising children and teaching in Waldorf early childhood programs. She has the knack of making it seem simple due to her years of research and experience.

When she spoke, I couldn't help but notice Sharifa's manner. She was very focused and an excellent presenter, but she was very relaxed. In her talk, Sharifa mentioned the importance of being self-disciplined rather than driven which is a common way of being in our culture. Driven, she said is unsustainable and actually destructive whereas self-disciplined involves a sense of self which is lacking when we are driven. By opening with the distinction between driven and self-disciplined, Sharifa noted that it won't work if we take on her suggestions in a driven sort of way, but it's better to commit to making one change at a time. This kind of change is sustainable.

Discipline is a word that is defined by Webster as "punishment" so it's no wonder that many of us are ambivalent about it. Sharifa reframed the word, noting that the root of discipline is disciple which means to lovingly follow. Children are programmed from birth to lovingly follow us so it's our job to lovingly lead, to set limits that give our children information about how the world works. That's a more appealing picture of discipline.

In order to do this, we need a plan. We need to have family rhythms in place, plenty of time for child's play, artistic activities as well as family work and play. We need to find a way to say yes as much as possible so that when we say no it is more impactful. Our consciousness needs to be clear so we are firm and kind, able to use simple, non-emotional statements. Even with this strong structure and habits in place, we will have times, usually during transitions, when our children present us with "disciplinary moments".

What do we do then? According to Sharifa, there are five steps to follow.
1. Look at our outer rhythms. Do we need to make a change for the seasons or has our child outgrown a nap or a certain ritual we have in place? Then adjust the rhythm.
2. Look at our inner rhythms. Are we feeling out of sync because we are tired or hungry or feeling upset?. Then make self-adjustments.
3. Distract the child. For example the two-year-old is knocking over her big brother's block castle. Show her the bird out the window and engage in observation and a conversation about the bird so she forgets about the castle.
4. Bring her into the adult rhythm. "Come stand by me while I do the dishes. We'll pull up a chair so you are tall enough."
5. If she persists in going back to knock over the castle, bring the child close and put your arm around her and share information in a non-emotional way. For example, "In our house, we are kind to each other. If you continue to knock over your brother's building, you won't be able to play with him."

That's it! When I heard Sharifa share these guidelines, I realized I had heard these steps before. it's our discplinary policy at the Center and I can attest that it works! Children look to us for information, their experience is limited and they know it, but their hearts are open so they make excellent disciples as long as we lovingly lead.

Things I Wish I Had Learned Sooner

We had a tape dispenser in my parents' house that said, "We grow too soon old and too late smart". I'm sure someone gave it to my mother and those words were invisible to her, but as a child, I remember wondering what they could mean. As an adult, I can now subscribe some meaning to them mostly in connection with my children since I learned about parenting by parenting them and now I know things that I didn't know then.

There are a few things I wish I knew sooner:

Clear, consistent boundaries are loving gestures that make children and their parents feel secure.

If you do the right things without peacefulness and joy, the actions will not bring the result you hoped for.

Children are not an opportunity to heal adult wounds or set things right from the parent's past.

Our children have their own paths and they might not match the ones we want for them.

We cannot fake anything with our children so we may as well be honest since they know what we are feeling anyway. It's okay to say "I'm feeling upset now so I'm going to take a minute until I feel better."

The sooner children learn that life will not mold itself to their wishes (so it's a false message to continually try to fulfill their desires), the sooner they can learn to live life on life's terms and be happy.

Children learn what they see so if we are imperfect yet striving to do and be our best, they will learn to strive and when they learn new things, they might sometimes wish they had learned them sooner, however, there is no going back, only forward. The best way to go forward is to keep learning and to share what we have learned so others may learn, too.

Let Our Children Play!

I'm waxing nostalgic today after spending the weekend cleaning out my childhood home. Side by side with my siblings, we dusted off boxes and sorted through stuff and memories. Having eaten Grandma's spaghetti sauce for the last time in that kitchen has left me with a lot more than dinner to digest.

My parents bought the house in 1949 after they got married and my father went to work while my mother stayed at home, eventually caring for eight children. There were many other stay-at-home moms in the neighborhood and we had lots of playmates. In between school, family dinners, weekly visits from the grandparents, chores and Sunday evening bath and pajamas before dinner rituals, we had a lot of playtime. We explored the neighborhood, played organized games, invented games and overall learned about ourselves, other people and life.

We had no idea how lucky we were to be normal children living in a time when normal had a wide range and was something to strive for. Our upbringing taught us to fit in and it also allowed room for each of us 4 boys and 4 girls to be individuals, pursuing our own dreams in our own timeframes. As far as I can tell, everybody is still normal although not alike; we are chipping in for the common good of clearing out the house and taking care of my mother who once took care of us.

When I say normal, I don't mean perfect. We aren't. My childhood had its share of bumps, bruises, bad choices and unfulfilled expectations; that's what makes it so normal; without them I'd be too special to be able to join the group and pitch in, to do my part as child #4 in a litter of 8.

There is a lot of concern today about children's readiness for learning and so the emphasis has shifted away from play to skill-based curriculums and teaching test skills. This is meant to make children advance. Research shows that the more economically-deprived the children, the more emphasis on curriculum which is actually widening the performance gap. Research also indicates that the most important early childhood lesson is self-control. If all other factors are even, it's self-control that will decide who succeeds and who does not.

Three other reasons to bring back play and a developmentally appropriate early childhood curriculum are:
1. The link between violent behavior in young children and lack of developmentally appropriate play
2. The correlation between play and our national genius for inventiveness (that we are emphasizing for our future economy)
3. Play is the best way to teach self-regulation or self control.

There are groups of early childhood educators in Washington, DC and New York City that are gathering to advocate the return of play. For more information, go to these websites:
http://www.npr.org/2011/02/14/133629477/for-kids-self-control-factors-into-future-success
http://www.indefenseofchildhood.org/index.html
http://www.deborahmeier.com/Columns/column06-11.htm

Consider becoming an advocate for children; they are voiceless and activism can make a difference. The research is clear; the American Pediatric Association has come out in favor of play. Children need to learn self control, creativity and to cooperate within a group. Once they are allowed to be normal; children's unique gifts and talents can blossom. I heard it jokingly said that "normal is the new special".

Adjust Parenting Style for Children's Temperaments

All children are not alike. They come with their own temperaments and respond to stimulus accordingly. The sound in the room that is barely noticable to one child might put another on edge. This has powerful implications for child education. As a teacher and a parent, study of temperaments has always fascinated me and so I was excited to see an article on "The Melancholic Child - Gifts and Challenges" in the Winter issue of Renewal Magazine, the Journal of Waldorf Education.

Rudolf Steiner revived Hippocrates four temperaments as a tool to understand personality, educate children and further self development. This understanding plays a big role in Waldorf education, but it can be difficult to determine a child's temperament in the early childhood years when the child is still so unformed. However, in the 1950's, psychologists studied infants and their response to stimulus. Based on observable behaviors, they found that the infants fit into three categories: flexible, feisty or fearful.

Later research done by Jerome Kagan led to the founding of the temperament studies laboratory at Harvard University and further observation of young children. He found that some children are highly sensitive and have a lower threshold of arousal in certain parts of the brain. Kagan notes that he prefers to hire these adults in his laboratory because they are highly responsible and have great attention to details.

However, this sensitivity in a young child comes along with a host of physical reactions that can be challenging; they include susceptibility to insomnia, colic, high pulse rate and quick reactions to external stimuli. With all of this internal stimulation going on, sensitive children tend to behave in a way that is inhibited when they feel challenged, they often cling to their mothers and act fearful.

This makes the job for parents of hyper-sensitive children challenging for the child's insecurity often triggers the parents' questioning of their parenting choices or feeling insecure. How to help the sensitive child become self-soothing and learn to cope? Fortunately, research has been done about parenting the fearful, withdrawing and hyper-sensitive child. Doreen Arcus found that the protective style of parenting (often triggered by the child's reactions)increases the uncertainty of the sensitive child whereas a limit-setting style reduces inhibitions and fearfulness.

More research indicated that sensitive children who are in day care are less fearful by four-years-old than those who stayed home with their mothers. This is attributed to the more objective and limit-setting milieu of a child care setting. Setting limits with a child who is withdrawn, crying and fearful is very difficult for parents but a caring teacher can be a great help at these times. Being a child care provider, I considered leaving this part out, but that might be an over-reaction, a sign of hyper-sensitivity.

Instead, I suggest you make your own observations and experiments to see what proves true for you. First notice your own reaction to your child's reactions. Are you over-protective? Then see if by cultivating objectivity and using limit-setting with kindness, you can help your child become self-soothing and gain an important life skill. Your child will love you for it.

A Great Gift Parents Can Give to their Children

Stephanie Neikirk-Epes, assistant director at the Rose Garden Early Childhood Center gave a lecture on "Schooling the Will" on Thursday, November 4th. She wrote this blog highlighting a point from the lecture; one that inspired discussion and touched the souls of those present. Stephanie's words are as follows.

At this time of year, things get busy. In all the hurry and excitement of preparations and parties, we can feel resentment, tiredness, resistance and even anger. There are normal human emotions. But they can be especially disturbing when we feel them toward our own children. Of course, paradoxically - or perhaps not so - children can get anxious and become more clingy or more demanding if they sense our discomfort with our own feelings.

Children directly perceive our feeling life even if we don't talk about it with them. They directly perceive our feeling life even if we don't acknowledge how we feel, even if we don't accept how we feel. And because they learn by imitation, they imitate what they experience with and within us. Walt Whitman artistically describes this process.

There Was a Child Went Forth

There was a child went forth every day;
And the first object he look'd uon, that object he became;
And that object became part of him for the day, or a certain part of
the day, or for many years, or stretching cycles of years.

The mother at home, quietly placing the dishes on the supper-table;
The mother with mild words - clean her cap and gown, a wholesome odor falling off her person and clothes as she walks by;
The father, strong, self-sufficient, manly, mean, anger'd, unjust;
The blow, the quick loud word, the right bargain, the crafty lure,
The family usages, the language, the company, the furniture - the yearning and swelling heart.
Affection that will not be gainsay'd - the sense of what is real - the thought if, after all, it should prove unreal.
The doubts of day-time and the doubts of night-time - the curious whether and how,
Whether that which appears so is so, or is it all flashes and specks?

We may or may not be like these archetypal parents, but the process of internalization for the child is the same...children internalize the world around them. They internalize without question or judgment both our feeling life AND our reaction to our feeling life. When we acknowledge the truth of our feelings/needs we teach our children to be honest, to accept who and what it means to be human. Clarifying all of this requires reflection, inner work - parenting is a meditative exercise.

So, if we find ourselves angry at our chilren, resentful, or tired, this is a sign that we need to create an adult only time and place as a down to earth way to meet a genuine human need.

We need to be comfortable with the truth that we each need a space for ourselves. If we can feel ok with this, our children will grow up with the idea that it's right for an adult to have boundaries, to want and need personal time and space. They will grow up knowing how to create this health-giving space for themselves.

This is a gift we can right now give our children for their future health.