When it is Dark, Hold onto your Spark!

In early November, at the Rose Garden Early Childhood Center in Buffalo, we construct lanterns to shelter the light that we carry into the darkness during our Lantern Walk festival. When we walk with our lanterns through the cold, dark evening, a gust of wind or drop of rain could put out the fire, so we stay together in case we need to share a light, a lantern or a hand. We walk, sing, and gather around the fire. While we are encircling the fire with our lanterns in hand, we marvel at the spectacle. The experience leaves an imprint on our souls, one of light and the warmth of community. The Lantern Walk festival or Martinmas is part of our annual rhythms that celebrate nature’s cycles and our humanity. They are important and meaningful but not enough nourishment to keep the inner light glowing through the long, dark winter. We need daily, weekly and monthly practices to keep us grounded in our bodies and elevated in our thoughts. Through a process of trial and error and then habit building, I have come to start my day with movement and meditation before leaving my bedroom in the morning. This practice is followed by healthy food and certain hygienic routines. These routines provide strength and steadiness, inner preparation for meeting the external demands of the day. Now that they are habits, they do not require thinking, just doing. My body like our festival lanterns is a house for the light, the light of my soul and spirit, so I take care of it. I also choose to wear clothing that is seasonally appropriate and comfortable, ready to meet the elements. Often the colors of the day as indicated by Rudolf Steiner influence my clothing decisions. I enjoy the full rainbow of colors. Noticing the quality of each day and enjoying the grain of the day are rhythms also; they keep us connected to nature and something greater than ourselves. In my office, I have certain tasks on certain days of the week, some daily, others weekly or monthly. My rhythms are regular but not rigid. If there is a child or teacher who needs help, the office work can wait. Throughout the day, I try to stop and notice that I am blessed, that life is good and that I have so much to be grateful for. In spite of these practices, there are times that I feel the light flickering or threatening to go out. At those times, I notice and acknowledge what I am experiencing, to be true to myself. Then I whisper a prayer for help, for gratitude, for perspective. I might share my experience with someone and before too long, find the humor in it. There is nothing like a good laugh to encourage a tiny spark of light to grow. Although a particular moment may be challenging, I know that whatever it is, just like the cold days and long, dark nights of winter, it will pass. Spring will come again and the light will return. In the meantime, we trust the spark of light that is nurtured in our souls will grow. If it does happen to flicker or go out, we stay close to bask in the glow of other lanterns’ light, and we remember the sight of lanterns burning bright in a cold and starry night.

Bridging the Gap between Brain Research and Practices

I heard an excellent message at a conference last Friday presented by Human Behavior Specialist, Jeanine Fitzgerald. Jeanine brought research about brain development and her experiences with powerful stories and levity. We in the audience laughed heartily and wiped tears from our eyes. If I had to put it in a nutshell, the message was to love children so they truly feel it and to provide an environment that supports healthy development. The research about brain development is there; it has been for many years. For one, behavior modification does not work. Stickers and charts are vehicles of coercion and manipulation that will never replace the power of authentic human interactions in teaching appropriate behaviors. In authentic relationships, we take care of a child's needs, and the outcome is for the child to become whomever he or she is meant to be. Belonging is key but fitting in is not essential (humans are unique). We create a feeling of belonging by sharing love and understanding and providing an environment that supports healthy development. Begin by removing the distractions. They include: screen time, too much stuff, not enough community, too much time in the car, not enough time overall (lots of hurrying) and exposure to violence. Steer clear of them; they contribute to increased impulsivity, irritability and anxiety. By removing them, we create space for healthy development. Practices that support brain development are: proper nutrition, age-appropriate expectations, sufficient time, managed stress (reducing the number of transitions and not hurrying for example), social support and movement. As far as movement goes, children need to experience being upside down, spinning, rolling, crashing, rocking and heavy lifting to develop their brains. When they do, they gain confidence and grow comfortable in their own skin. Developing children deserve a movement rich environment as well as nutritious food, healthy relationships and age-appropriate expectations; that's how we bridge the gap between research and practice. If you are interested in observing an environment where healthy brain development is supported by all the above, please come for a tour of the Rose Garden Early Childhood Center on a Thursday morning at 9:00 a.m.. Feel free to bring a friend, just email us first so we put out enough tea cups.

I don't want to go to school!

What do you do when your child resists going to school in the morning? I don't mean simply saying, "I don't want to go"; that's not how young children express themselves. I mean ear-splitting, gut-wrenching, heart-breaking cries and gluing to your leg along with other actions likely to rattle the nerves of even the most well rested, relaxed parent. First of all, make sure your child is fit (not sick) and that the environment of the school supports healthy childhood development. Then look within and notice the thought that something is wrong or that you must be a bad parent or this would not be happening. Acknowledge the feeling that accompanies the thought, and replace it with one like this. "He is doing this because he does not want to go outside his comfort zone. This is what children do to assert their will. It is my job as a good parent to "school" his will and to teach him that this is not an effective way of getting what he wants." Remember that children can hold only one attachment at a time so if you want him to attach to another adult, you have to let go. Then hug your child, tell him you love him and say, "This is what we are doing. We are getting ready to go to school now. You will play, make friends and learn there." When your child persists (and most do because their will is powerful although unschooled), then repeat the mantra. "This is what we are doing now" and carry on, remembering to keep calm (even if it is an act). Your calm demeanor and reassuring words will go a long way and eventually your child will learn that he/she can get along without you, but that lesson comes with experience, experience he does not have yet. Remember For now, he will have to place his trust in you rather than focusing on his fear of the unknown. In the long run, trusting you is an important lesson for him to learn, the foundation for many more to come.

Play and Human Development

I think a lot about play, observe it frequently, and read the research. Yesterday I heard a newscaster describe a public kindergarten program as school "not just play and a nap". Just play I thought, wondering if people have read the research that supports the importance of play. According to play specialist Stuart Brown, "play is not just joyful and energizing - it's deeply involved with human development and intelligence." It's been proven that "nothing lights up the brain like play. Three-dimensional play fires up the cerebellum, puts a lot of impulses into the frontal love (executive portion) and helps contextual memory and attention development". The opposite of play is not work as many would suggest, but it's depression. Life without play lacks humor, flirtation, movies, games, fantasies, etc.. Humans are designed to play lifelong, unlike other animals who play only in their early development. It increases our adaptability; so it is more than fun, is it vital. Its purpose is the act of doing it. It increases our sense of belonging and our survival may depend on it. When they researched play in rats, one group was allowed to play and the other was not. When presented with the smell of a cat, both groups hid but only the group that practiced play ventured back out to check that the threat was gone. The other group continued to hide and starved to death. In the words of Stuart Brown, "preschool kids should be allowed to dive, run, whistle, scream, be chaotic, and develop through that a lot of emotional regulation and a lot of the other byproducts - cognitive, emotional and physical, that come as part of rough and tumble play." Did you know that both NASA and Boeing in their hiring process, ask if the applicants have worked and played with their hands? They do this because those are the people they want to hire; they are better problem-solvers. So what if we stopped undervaluing play and set up environments for young children to fully express their playful nature and learn what they need to learn in the process? Perhaps adults would remember their playful side, too. Do an experiment and bring a sense of play to your work and life today, then notice the effect and check out Stuart Brown's TedTalk "Play is more than just Fun".

Intervening in Children's Outdoor Play

Intervening in Outdoor Play The playground is a microcosm of society. All the forces of nature and human temperaments come into play, less contained than indoors. In early childhood, these forces are unrefined. According to Psychologist, Wendy Mogel, things that are considered normal in early childhood would be pathological in adults. The children are early in the journey toward social responsibility. Opportunities to teach lessons arise on a regular basis when children are free to explore in a healthy way. What kind of questions do we ask ourselves when we are outdoors with children? We ask who are the leaders in the play and how can we reinforce the teacher’s voice in their heads? How can we ensure the safety of the children? How can we address disharmony when it occurs? If it takes a community to raise children, how can we work with agreement so the children hear the same message from all the adults? If parents witness an event in the playground, it is usually during a festivals or transition times. These are the times when issues of who is in charge get murky and so children can engage in attention getting behaviors. Here are some guidelines to help address situations when they arise. 1. We work with a picture of human development that involves children learning by imitation. Hence we model social responsibility, equanimity, positivity and interest in others. 2. We work with objectivity. If we see a child do something, we report what we saw, not what we think or feel about it. We do not judge children or parents. This objectivity takes time to develop and our training supports us in this practice. The fruits of objectivity allow us to keep from enmeshing facts with our opinions and feelings. 3. We acknowledge the children’s feelings by labelling and expressing them. “I see you are frustrated (or another feeling)”. This is the first step to showing a child how to express their own feelings as in “I am frustrated” rather than acting them out. 4. We read the children’s behaviors as a call for attention when they have gotten in over their heads social, and we keep them close to us at these times. 5. We recognize the leaders in play and reinforce the rule that you cannot hurt anybody. At the same time that the children are building peer relationships, we want the words of the adults to come to mind rather than those of peers. 6. We encourage children to find a teacher if things are going awry. 7. We ask children to help make it right when something has happened, by returning a toy for example, or getting a glass of water or a tissue for tears. Rather than insisting that a child apologizes, although at times this might be appropriate, we make the situation right by bringing comfort. Actions are more meaningful than words at this age. All adults can intervene, but for the sake of continuity and to keep from confusing the children, we need to operate from a place of agreement about how we address situations. Children so benefit from consistency and adults working together to create it.

Preparing the Nest

My husband and I have enjoyed watching birds nest and birth babies in the grape arbor over our deck. We have seen them gather materials to fluff up the nest in spring when they return to it after the winter. When we hear the high-pitched peeping of the hungry babies, we watch the mama and papa birds gather and distribute food into their open mouths. By the end of the outdoor season, the activity overhead ends and all the birds, including the little ones, have flown from the nest. There is a lot of cooperation between mama and papa bird while they prepare the nest, feed their young, and then send them out to build their own nests. We, too are nest-builders here, considering what we do to prepare for the children to come. After meeting the parents, we receive an application and the process of clarifying dates and collecting paperwork begins. Most is done through email or the postal services so there is a period of little "face" contact. During this time, the teacher chooses a symbol for the child and prepares both shoe and clothing cubbies. In the office, our roster and staffing charts are adjusted. Contact and billing information is input. Teachers read the child's bio and begin imagining what the child might bring to the group. Then we all anticipate the cubby and starting date. All of this happens at the Center while the parents are gathering supplies, visiting the Doctor and marking the calendar. These are aspects of weaving the nest that will support the child upon arrival. Unlike watching a child play, sing a blessing before the meal, or snuggle into a teacher's lap, they are not especially warm or fun, but they are necessary. Some of the preparations are mandated by our licensor, some by the LifeWays model, and others by our own personal quality standards and procedures. These preparations prior to a child's first day, fortify our heartfelt expression of "Welcome, we are ready and have been waiting for you."

What My Mother Taught Me

I used to wish my mother could teach me about art, music, and literature. Instead, she supported me in studying them from other teachers, at times in distant lands. What my mother did teach me, was how to love and I didn't realize it until much later when I outgrew self-centeredness, but she was patient with me. Apparently, her purpose in sharing this lesson was not immediate gratification. When my mother, now elderly, recently moved from one care facility to another that could meet her growing needs, we heard from the staff at the first center. They told us how much they loved my mother and that did not surprise me because my mother is quite lovable. She has a twinkle in her eye and a good sense of humor. However, it gave me pause to hear them say that they were touched by how much love we gave our mother. They said that if they could give her a small percentage of what we gave her, they would be doing well. My mother had eight children. We all love our mother and what's more, we all love each other, enjoy each other's company, and continue caring for my mother as her circumstances become more challenging. Really. I never thought that was a big deal, it was just how it was. That is until I heard from outside observers that no, that is not a given. My mom did something right to create that result. What did she do? She valued relationships and thought it was her job to serve them and she taught us to do the same. When I would come home from college, she would ask, "Did you call your grandparents?". She would continue asking until I would eventually make the call and visit them and believe me, I cherish every memory I have of those remarkable people. My mother taught us to value our family, our friends, our neighbors, our school communities and any other community we were a part of. We are in this together was her message and the glue that holds us together is love. So I learned about art, music, and literature on my own and my life is enriched by it, but I learned about love from my mother and my life is empowered by it. Love is not a mere sentiment, it is a practice, one that fuels right action. That action dignifies our lives and those we meet. Thanks Mom.

Creating Ripeness

Working with children, we focus on transitions a lot since comings and goings present the greatest challenges. How do we prepare for them? What does readiness look like? When a child is ripe for a transition, it involves less struggle. Their will is engaged. Whereas if we try to force a transition before a child is ready or we bring about sudden change, we will likely meet the child's counter will, a term coined by Gordon Neufeld and experienced by any parent who has met with their child's resistance. Therefore, it's important to plan for smooth transitions whenever possible. There is a lot we can do to prepare, beginning with a decision from the parent followed by confident, clear guidance for the child. Scripting helps. For example: "We are going to the zoo and when we are there, we will visit the animals who are outside and have a snack before we go home to nap. If we get tired along the way, we will end our visit early. We can always go back again." Children, like fruit or flowers develop and move at their own pace and time and it is not for us to judge but to accept. What if we allowed the mission of early childhood to be creating ripeness in an unhurried but thorough way? The child who is really ripe to transition might even appear bored. Rather than fret about it, we can see it as an indicator of readiness and ripeness.

A Healthy Childhood Takes Time

We live in a fast world. Life is busy, full and often rushed. Although our sense of time may be skewed due to all the hurrying, time remains a precious resource. Have you ever noticed that when you are fully present, time seems to stand still or to expand? Those experiences are soul nourishing. That's what we want for our young children. Early Childhood takes time, it's about experiencing life in its breadth or wholeness. At the Rose Garden, we are fully present to the slow change of the seasons, daily life, weekly rhythms including the slow rising and baking of the bread; we take time to attend to what is happening. In the springtime, we plant wheat grass seeds in little baskets, place them near a window, water them and then watch for them to grow. First a little green pokes out and then, slowly and steadily, our basket fills with spring green grass. I love to hear stories about children who have come to the Rose Garden and had these life experiences. Recently, a teacher from a school visited and told me about a girl in her classroom who came from the Rose Garden. This teacher noticed how the girl utilizes time well; she is interested in what is happening around her and is never bored. She is content to play alone or with others. I remember this little girl when she came to the Rose Garden at 18 months of age. She was inquisitive, she ran, almost never walked and she often fell down in her enthusiasm to get places. When she left the Rose Garden Early Childhood Center, she was five and a half years old and ready to go to school. Still curious and eager, she had learned persistence, patience, even to walk instead of running all the time. In those four years, we watched, guided and waited for her growth. When she would whine about something, we reminded her to use her words. When she would run and trip, we reminded her to use her walking feet. When she grew impatient with the process of putting on so many layers of outdoor clothes, we sat with her and helped or just waited until she was dressed and ready to go outside. During those four years, she learned many lessons and built a healthy relationship with herself, her teachers, other children, the environment and with time. Given time to grow, time to learn about life and herself, time to engage in meaningful activity through work and play, she did. Young children meet life with wide open arms and when life meets them in the same way, a healthy childhood happens. It is filled with real experiences, with wonder and with delight. Instead of losing time by not rushing into abstract learning, the child gains time to build a treasure trove of meaningful experiences. Most importantly, she learns how to use a precious resource: time.

Signs of Spring

When the sunlight is dwindling in autumn, we consciously create lanterns as a symbol for our hearts, which are containers for warmth and light throughout the cold winter months. Then when the snow flies and the winds blow, the warmth lives in our hearts. It's safe there. Incidental meetings with others and their uplifting quality are infrequent in winter - it's too cold to stop and chat for long, but we can keep our hearts warm by practicing positivity and equanimity. We know spring will come again, winter will not last forever. When we consciously hold the light with open minds and hearts, we notice the first signs of spring. The longer days, the quality of the sunlight, the bubbling up of energy in the children: these are signs that spring is coming. Underground, long before the shoots pop up, we recognize the energy. On Candlemas day, we celebrate the return of the light by making candles. Then with hearts and terms of endearment, we celebrate our relationships on Valentine's Day. February is a month of baby steps towards spring. It requires faithfulness. The overt signs of spring are as of yet unseen but we await them with joyful anticipation. This is the same kind of faithfulness that helps us while watching our children grow. Although we may not yet see the behaviors we are hoping for, we can recognize the signs that they are coming and hold a picture of who our children are becoming steadfast in our hearts.

Winter's Quiet

I love quiet. It nourishes my soul. I relish slow pacing; it restores my body. Winter is quiet and slow. Therefore, I love winter although, I sometimes forget this fact. Quiet and slow are not popular in this loud and busy society. Hence, winter is counter-cultural. It provides opportunities for quieting and slowing down. When it's very cold and snowing, the weather encourages us to stay home. In my quiet indoor space, there's room to rest, to reflect, to plant seeds of renewal that will grow in the spring. Last weekend, I got the flu and spent most of my time in bed: sleeping, sipping tea and reading on and off. I have a plan for next year, unprovoked by illness, I'm going to spend a weekend in January in bed. I'll choose the January renewal weekend and put it on the calendar. Then on Friday night, I will gather a pile of books and a basket of teas. When I wake up on Saturday, I'll go downstairs, get my tea and then return to red, to read, to write and to rest. I'll go no further than my feet can carry me. I'll take in no more sensory information than enters my technology-free bedroom. I'll wear warm pajamas and woolen sox. That's my plan, to surrender to winter, to embrace the quiet. After all, I do love it.

Wonder and Light

There is no other time of year that I feel so childlike as in the dark days of December; by this I mean filled with wonder and joy. The fresh blanket of snow and bright blue skies, strike me as an invitation to rejoice in the beauty of winter. I experience moments of reflection alternating with ones of caroling and revelry. Overall the feeling is one of anticipating wholeheartedly what is to come. The joy of giving consumes me and I want to share the spirit with everyone I meet. I know that our journey into the darkness will end on December 21st when the light begins its return a little bit each day. I also know that the image of the light returning in the form of a child is not one that everyone shares but working with young children, I find it easy to picture a baby as the symbol of light, of hope, of birth. During this season, I remember holidays from my past in particular when I was young and when my children were young. Decorations, stories, pictures and songs resurface each year and my heart warms to embrace them. In my home, we make cookies using my German mother-in-law's recipes. Then we put them in bags to distribute to friends and family. Before our extended family celebration, we go on a cookie run and leave little sweet sacks at homes. If we are lucky (and this is Buffalo, so we often are), we run into people on the street. Then we stop the car and hand them a bag of cookies and a warm holiday hug. One year while making our holiday rounds, we saw someone we knew and so we stopped and shared. He explained that it was a lonely time for him after a separation and we really made his day, perhaps his holiday. You can imagine the joy this experience gave all of us. Giving is truly a joy; it blesses the giver every time! All year long we know that the possibility of love lives in each of our hearts but we get busy, sometimes too busy to remember what is truly important. How wonderful that we receive an annual reminder to strengthen our heart forces. This leaves us fortified to go forward into the new year with a bigger, stronger heart and sweet memories that last a lifetime.

The gift of Gratitude

I am thinking about gratitude not only because it is Thanksgiving time but we just had our staff performance reviews at the Center. What an amazing group of people I am lucky enough to work with! It would be great if they could be paid as much as they are valued but the system is not set up that way. The younger the child, the deeper the impact of a teachers' work and the lower the pay scale. We do offer wages higher than typical child care centers but only as much as the organization can bear. Without outside funding sources and with licensing restrictions as well as quality control standards that dictate how many children we can serve, it is not the kind of work that will make us wealthy in a materialistic sense. That brings me back to gratitude, a spiritual gift. When we develop gratitude for all that is - including both what we like and don't like or want, we are less dependent on material things. We build an inner resource that enriches our lives and shields us. At the Rose Garden Early Childhood Center, we are grateful for the children and their families, for the building and its contents, for the LifeWays model and its wisdom. We have always appreciated the nuns next door, but until they were relocated for the construction project, we did not realize how much. Next summer, when they return, their warm and benevolent presence will be so welcomed, as will the quiet sensory environment we are accustomed to. Please pause to thank your child's teachers who work with joy, love and gratitude daily. They model these principles for the children while they tend to their needs and the room. That means they wipe noses, clean toilets, sweep floors, tell stories, sing songs all the while encouraging children's best behavior. They deserve appreciation and recognition in lieu of material wealth and one day perhaps, in addition to it.

Cold Days and Warm Hearts

The transition to darker, colder days brings challenges. We need to prepare our hearts, our rhythms and our clothing. Where are my friends, the light in the morning and my cozy boots? Suddenly, we notice they are missing and we need or want them. Our activities must be more intentionally planned to see people we once saw at outdoor events. Our morning routines might take longer in the dark so we need to wake up earlier. Our winter gear must be brought out of storage or purchased. Although proper winter clothes keep our bodies warm, it takes consciousness to maintain our soul's warmth during the cold days ahead. That's why we make houses for the light; carving pumpkins and creating lanterns so we can watch it burning bright. However, there's more to it than that. We need to consider our words and actions toward one another. Before speaking, it's wise to consult the "gate-keeper" who asks us to consider before speaking if our words are true, kind and necessary? When we speak consciously to each other, we can use our words to nurture soul warmth in our communities. Kindness is the highest form of wisdom, according to the Talmud. Cold winds may blow outside but with kind words and open hearts, we can stay warm together.

Guilt, Embarrassment and Shame

I meet a lot of mothers who work outside the home and take care of their young children in a conscientious way. Not one of them is perfect in her own eyes but they are good enough and their children benefit from the decisions made on their behalf. Since every human makes mistakes, letting go of perfection is essential, for it allows us to address reality in a straightforward way. What we do about mistakes is triggered by how we respond emotionally; it makes all the difference since our children are watching and learning. Guilt is the response to making a mistake; it's a signal that we must make reparations by cleaning up a mess and/or changing our behavior. Let's consider an accident where we spill milk on the floor because we were moving too fast. Oops! It needs to be cleaned up so we get out a rag and clean it, absolving our guilt and considering that it would be a good idea to slow down. Then we move on a little more consciously but we do not lament what happened. It's done. However, if we have an accident and then feel embarrassed because we are not allowed to make mistakes, feelings of shame develop. Shame is connected to low self esteem and the thought that we are a mistake rather than we made a mistake. It's not so easily cleaned up like spilt milk, because it is an internalized self image. Hence, the tricky thing about mistakes is that we need to accept them, acknowledge our guilt and clean them up, possibly even laughing at ourselves to avoid contributing to feelings of shame and negative self worth. If we get caught in embarrassment and shame, our children absorb these feelings and the cycle of perfectionism, embarrassment and shame is perpetuated. Guilt and subsequent reparations provide relief, but shame only increases with each incident; making murky the issue at hand. Every evening before going to sleep, look back on your day and consider what you did well and what you could improve. Then resolve to make changes the next day and celebrate victories. This is how we learn and grow. We are perfectly human; life is our school. Take the time to let it teach you. You will give your children permission to make mistakes and then model how to handle them - everyone will gain confidence as you go.

Alpha Adults Lead in Child-Centered Approach

In my years of working with young children, I have looked for a model of right relationship between adult and child. Clearly, concepts of authority and discipline are useful but are often clouded by people's unpleasant references from the past. Gordon Neufield, a developmental and clinical psychologist, looked to natural science in the study of human development. He observed the instinctual need for dependency in the young child, a need that asks for an alpha presence from adults to answer it. When the child's dependency need is fulfilled, it inspires trust and confidence, allowing the child's heart to remain soft and open. An effective alpha posture involves conveying that the parents can and will take care of the child. To this end, parents must be careful to not reveal their own needs, dependencies, inadequacies or fears. This may involve pretending at times, otherwise children may take on parents' needs and don the alpha role. When the adult takes the lead with full respect for the smallness, neediness and fears of the child, it is a child-centered approach. By reading the child's cues, the adults can discern the difference between needs and demands. If a child is looking for love, the adult can offer more than is asked for, reassuring the child and preventing him/her from suffering an unfulfilled need. This satisfies the child's attachment hunger and establishes a strong connection. However, if a child's alpha instincts have been engaged, it is important not to let the child orchestrate interactions. Parents can reclaim the lead and in doing so, right the relationship.

Gifting Children with our Presence

When I walked past the big flower pot outside our front door one summer evening, I saw a father and son intently focused on it. The child was inches from a plant, holding it with his eyes and his father was behind the boy holding both him and the plant with his presence. Around the father, son and plants, there was a bubble of quiet respect and attention. I walked up to have a look and was shown a beautiful bug on the stem of a plant. When I walked away, they were still sitting together, sharing the moment. The next morning, the boy returned with a colorful moth in a jar and was delighted to share it with his friends. Lucky boy I thought but not because he had found a moth, nature is bountiful. He was lucky because in spite of the busy tempo of our world, his dad gifted him with his presence. Instead of rushing his four-year-old along or allowing a beeping cell phone to distract him, he was present to his son's fascination with bugs. It was a wonder-filled event, one I was glad to have witnessed. What do children really want from their parents? They want them to be present. By showing up and participating in the child's world (children live in the present), they show that their child's fascination with life is worthy of attention. They value their child and their child's interests; the gain is mutual. Stop and see the world through a child's eyes and you might discover how wonderful it is. Now that's a gift.

Inspirational Mothering

May is the month that nature bears beautiful blossoms and we celebrate mothers, who bear and nurture humanity's most tender shoots. We witness mothers everyday, modeling calm dignity, setting boundaries with confidence and advocating for their children's care. Below are a few examples but by no means an inclusive list for every mothers' story belongs here. All the mothers tending their children, shape the future and inspire us daily. When difficult news comes, children watch adults' reactions to know whether everything is alright. They take things personally; in their self-centered view of the universe; if mommy is upset, the child thinks she is to blame. However, even a diagnosis of grave illness when met with grace and dignity, can model an important lesson for a child. We are more than our physical bodies and more than our emotions. There is a boy who witnessed his mother negotiate illness with grace, never losing hope or dignity while recovering physical health; she held onto her spirit. Although the Doctor said her body was sick, she continued to shine with light, beauty and well being. One toddler occasionally gives her mother a howling tearful goodbye, but her mother says goodbye and leaves. She knows that her clarity and confidence gives her little one both roots and wings so she is equipped to meet these moments. It never fails that the little one stops crying within minutes after mom leaves. Moms knows this; she trusts her child, her teachers and her personal decision to work. Another working mom is raising her children alone. They are energetic, curious children who both have fun and know to do what the adults say. They understand how life works and respect authority. When mom was struggling with a parenting issue, she was not afraid to speak openly and ask for help and then to listen. When she has questions about our procedures, she speaks to us as openly and rationally, she is an advocate for her children, leading with a strong heart and reason. They have a courageous guide who focuses on what is important. I'd like to mention one more mom who came here for only a year while finishing her doctoral studies. This mother of two is intelligent, kind-hearted and capable of making a home for her family while living far away from the home they knew. She consistently did what she said she would do; demonstrating that she is a woman who keeps her promises, someone you can trust. Her ready and honest assessments showed loving acceptance, allowing her children to be themselves. When it was time to return home, her careful planning carried out in an unhurried manner gave her children a feeling of safety, of home. Like a fountain of love and joy, they basked in it. Mothering is a balancing act of sympathy and antipathy, understanding the challenges of growing up while not allowing unacceptable behavior. It requires first and foremost, honesty because children are truth-tellers. Whether adults express truth or not, children know what's there and may set out to provoke or bring out truth that is unexpressed. Yes, with all this honesty, mothering requires courage and dignity, drawing from the deepest source of all that is.

Self Care, Synchronicity and Change

"If there is anything that we wish to change in the child, we should first examine if it is not something that could better be changed in ourselves." Carl Jung said these words. We hear them whenever we fly. Airline stewards recommend adults put on their oxygen masks first. In other words, to help children, adults must be mindful of taking deep breaths. When I first came across Jung's quote as a young mom, it served to increase my guilt because I knew that there were changes I wanted to make in me. I was trying hard but in a way that involved a heavy dose of self-denial and criticism. The change that was needed involved more self-care and lightness, more balance and equanimity. The pay-off of the change was taking my children's actions less personally and leading in a way that inspired them to follow. Children's brain waves entrain or synchronize with ours. It's a physics principle that: "Two cycles naturally synchronize with one another to work efficiently and successfully." Hence if the adult changes, the child changes and Jung's words are proven true. If you are experiencing anxiety, you will find yourself with an anxious child. Ironically, spring and summertime can induce nervousness about all the things we want to do! Stop first and look for peace. Choose meditation, time in nature, and physical activity as ways to re-create yourself, then see if your child changes as well.

The Innate Brilliance of Children

Children have an internal program that drives them to meet challenges and to practice new skills through play. Just as we do not need to teach a child to walk, we do not and cannot teach children how to play. Although fair play and social skills are not innate, the desire to work through life's circumstances through creative free play is innate. Since children cannot intellectualize their experiences, they play them out with their bodies, and in doing so, practice skills and learn how life works. Since this remarkable capability cannot be directed by adults; it can be misunderstood. It lives in the domain of children. It requires special eyes to see and when I do, it fills me with wonder. I've learned to trust the innate brilliance of children and not to interfere (unless safety is an issue) when children are engaged in playing out their challenges or practicing physical or social skills. The following examples will demonstrate some of the ways creative free play helps children learn how life works. One toddler when she started coming to the Center, was set free to adjust by a caring and trusting parent. Being new to the environment, the adults, and the children, she began creating a comfortable space for herself. She sat on the rug outside of her cubby and proceeded to place her clothing items one by one in a circle around herself. There she was amongst her familiar things, sometimes sitting up and occassionally, lying down. Teachers did not interfere and overall, children respected what she was creating. Only when free playtime was over, teachers helped her put away her things and come to the rug for circle or the table for snack. Without understanding this child's brilliance, an adult might tell her that clothes stay in the cubby but on her own, the toddler came to this herself. One day, she did not need to surround herself with familiar things to feel secure and she went off to play with the toys and other children. Another child was witnessing his mother's illness including surgical bandaging. Of course, he could not articulate what he and his mother were experiencing, but he was able to explore it in his own way. The teachers noticed that every day he would come in with band-aids all over his legs. At first they wondered about this behavior, but then they realized that he was experiencing a wound in the only way he knew how. Kudos to the parents who allowed him to find his way to understand his life's circumstances by playing the patient and sympathizing with his mother. Normally toddlers' play is singular but the preschoolers often engage others in their play. I've seen children with new siblings play house, exploring different family roles, including being the baby. A child whose parents are divorcing or moving may create safety games. One boy would get into a close space and have another one sheath him with silks. Inside in the warmth and the dark, he was experiencing control of his life's situation, one he had no control over. He was able to feel safe in his play however, and have a friend help him create what he needed. Both boys engaged in the game and both benefitted from playing it. I've seen countless examples of this self-directed behavior, making sense of life's circumstances and practicing skills they are imitating through play. That's why we allow children freedom in their creative free play. Their little bodies know what they need and within certain parameters of safety, they can go about getting it. I regularly watch a little boy play at the kitchen in the community room; practicing cooking in a methodical and focused way. When mom returns, he serves her a morning cup of coffee to the delight of both the server and the served. Clearly, he's learning and if we told him to do this job, he'd be less inclined to engage with such joy and attention. Instead he is expressing his innate brilliance and the least we can do is to allow him to do so. On the other hand, (there are always two hands), it's my observation that although children explore what they need to do in creative free play, in the adult-directed realm, they ask us for direction. Their innate brilliance does not include social mores. Those are adults' job to teach, for example table manners, hand-washing, dressing for outdoors, resting, etc.. As long as we adults understand where children are able to lead and where it's best for the adults to lead, it's possible to find gracefulness in the dance where children and adults live together. This is the basis for a strong, trusting relationship; just what we aim for in early childhood, forming the foundation for a whole and healthy life.