Cold Days and Warm Hearts

The transition to darker, colder days brings challenges. We need to prepare our hearts, our rhythms and our clothing. Where are my friends, the light in the morning and my cozy boots? Suddenly, we notice they are missing and we need or want them. Our activities must be more intentionally planned to see people we once saw at outdoor events. Our morning routines might take longer in the dark so we need to wake up earlier. Our winter gear must be brought out of storage or purchased. Although proper winter clothes keep our bodies warm, it takes consciousness to maintain our soul's warmth during the cold days ahead. That's why we make houses for the light; carving pumpkins and creating lanterns so we can watch it burning bright. However, there's more to it than that. We need to consider our words and actions toward one another. Before speaking, it's wise to consult the "gate-keeper" who asks us to consider before speaking if our words are true, kind and necessary? When we speak consciously to each other, we can use our words to nurture soul warmth in our communities. Kindness is the highest form of wisdom, according to the Talmud. Cold winds may blow outside but with kind words and open hearts, we can stay warm together.

Guilt, Embarrassment and Shame

I meet a lot of mothers who work outside the home and take care of their young children in a conscientious way. Not one of them is perfect in her own eyes but they are good enough and their children benefit from the decisions made on their behalf. Since every human makes mistakes, letting go of perfection is essential, for it allows us to address reality in a straightforward way. What we do about mistakes is triggered by how we respond emotionally; it makes all the difference since our children are watching and learning. Guilt is the response to making a mistake; it's a signal that we must make reparations by cleaning up a mess and/or changing our behavior. Let's consider an accident where we spill milk on the floor because we were moving too fast. Oops! It needs to be cleaned up so we get out a rag and clean it, absolving our guilt and considering that it would be a good idea to slow down. Then we move on a little more consciously but we do not lament what happened. It's done. However, if we have an accident and then feel embarrassed because we are not allowed to make mistakes, feelings of shame develop. Shame is connected to low self esteem and the thought that we are a mistake rather than we made a mistake. It's not so easily cleaned up like spilt milk, because it is an internalized self image. Hence, the tricky thing about mistakes is that we need to accept them, acknowledge our guilt and clean them up, possibly even laughing at ourselves to avoid contributing to feelings of shame and negative self worth. If we get caught in embarrassment and shame, our children absorb these feelings and the cycle of perfectionism, embarrassment and shame is perpetuated. Guilt and subsequent reparations provide relief, but shame only increases with each incident; making murky the issue at hand. Every evening before going to sleep, look back on your day and consider what you did well and what you could improve. Then resolve to make changes the next day and celebrate victories. This is how we learn and grow. We are perfectly human; life is our school. Take the time to let it teach you. You will give your children permission to make mistakes and then model how to handle them - everyone will gain confidence as you go.

Alpha Adults Lead in Child-Centered Approach

In my years of working with young children, I have looked for a model of right relationship between adult and child. Clearly, concepts of authority and discipline are useful but are often clouded by people's unpleasant references from the past. Gordon Neufield, a developmental and clinical psychologist, looked to natural science in the study of human development. He observed the instinctual need for dependency in the young child, a need that asks for an alpha presence from adults to answer it. When the child's dependency need is fulfilled, it inspires trust and confidence, allowing the child's heart to remain soft and open. An effective alpha posture involves conveying that the parents can and will take care of the child. To this end, parents must be careful to not reveal their own needs, dependencies, inadequacies or fears. This may involve pretending at times, otherwise children may take on parents' needs and don the alpha role. When the adult takes the lead with full respect for the smallness, neediness and fears of the child, it is a child-centered approach. By reading the child's cues, the adults can discern the difference between needs and demands. If a child is looking for love, the adult can offer more than is asked for, reassuring the child and preventing him/her from suffering an unfulfilled need. This satisfies the child's attachment hunger and establishes a strong connection. However, if a child's alpha instincts have been engaged, it is important not to let the child orchestrate interactions. Parents can reclaim the lead and in doing so, right the relationship.

Gifting Children with our Presence

When I walked past the big flower pot outside our front door one summer evening, I saw a father and son intently focused on it. The child was inches from a plant, holding it with his eyes and his father was behind the boy holding both him and the plant with his presence. Around the father, son and plants, there was a bubble of quiet respect and attention. I walked up to have a look and was shown a beautiful bug on the stem of a plant. When I walked away, they were still sitting together, sharing the moment. The next morning, the boy returned with a colorful moth in a jar and was delighted to share it with his friends. Lucky boy I thought but not because he had found a moth, nature is bountiful. He was lucky because in spite of the busy tempo of our world, his dad gifted him with his presence. Instead of rushing his four-year-old along or allowing a beeping cell phone to distract him, he was present to his son's fascination with bugs. It was a wonder-filled event, one I was glad to have witnessed. What do children really want from their parents? They want them to be present. By showing up and participating in the child's world (children live in the present), they show that their child's fascination with life is worthy of attention. They value their child and their child's interests; the gain is mutual. Stop and see the world through a child's eyes and you might discover how wonderful it is. Now that's a gift.

Inspirational Mothering

May is the month that nature bears beautiful blossoms and we celebrate mothers, who bear and nurture humanity's most tender shoots. We witness mothers everyday, modeling calm dignity, setting boundaries with confidence and advocating for their children's care. Below are a few examples but by no means an inclusive list for every mothers' story belongs here. All the mothers tending their children, shape the future and inspire us daily. When difficult news comes, children watch adults' reactions to know whether everything is alright. They take things personally; in their self-centered view of the universe; if mommy is upset, the child thinks she is to blame. However, even a diagnosis of grave illness when met with grace and dignity, can model an important lesson for a child. We are more than our physical bodies and more than our emotions. There is a boy who witnessed his mother negotiate illness with grace, never losing hope or dignity while recovering physical health; she held onto her spirit. Although the Doctor said her body was sick, she continued to shine with light, beauty and well being. One toddler occasionally gives her mother a howling tearful goodbye, but her mother says goodbye and leaves. She knows that her clarity and confidence gives her little one both roots and wings so she is equipped to meet these moments. It never fails that the little one stops crying within minutes after mom leaves. Moms knows this; she trusts her child, her teachers and her personal decision to work. Another working mom is raising her children alone. They are energetic, curious children who both have fun and know to do what the adults say. They understand how life works and respect authority. When mom was struggling with a parenting issue, she was not afraid to speak openly and ask for help and then to listen. When she has questions about our procedures, she speaks to us as openly and rationally, she is an advocate for her children, leading with a strong heart and reason. They have a courageous guide who focuses on what is important. I'd like to mention one more mom who came here for only a year while finishing her doctoral studies. This mother of two is intelligent, kind-hearted and capable of making a home for her family while living far away from the home they knew. She consistently did what she said she would do; demonstrating that she is a woman who keeps her promises, someone you can trust. Her ready and honest assessments showed loving acceptance, allowing her children to be themselves. When it was time to return home, her careful planning carried out in an unhurried manner gave her children a feeling of safety, of home. Like a fountain of love and joy, they basked in it. Mothering is a balancing act of sympathy and antipathy, understanding the challenges of growing up while not allowing unacceptable behavior. It requires first and foremost, honesty because children are truth-tellers. Whether adults express truth or not, children know what's there and may set out to provoke or bring out truth that is unexpressed. Yes, with all this honesty, mothering requires courage and dignity, drawing from the deepest source of all that is.

Self Care, Synchronicity and Change

"If there is anything that we wish to change in the child, we should first examine if it is not something that could better be changed in ourselves." Carl Jung said these words. We hear them whenever we fly. Airline stewards recommend adults put on their oxygen masks first. In other words, to help children, adults must be mindful of taking deep breaths. When I first came across Jung's quote as a young mom, it served to increase my guilt because I knew that there were changes I wanted to make in me. I was trying hard but in a way that involved a heavy dose of self-denial and criticism. The change that was needed involved more self-care and lightness, more balance and equanimity. The pay-off of the change was taking my children's actions less personally and leading in a way that inspired them to follow. Children's brain waves entrain or synchronize with ours. It's a physics principle that: "Two cycles naturally synchronize with one another to work efficiently and successfully." Hence if the adult changes, the child changes and Jung's words are proven true. If you are experiencing anxiety, you will find yourself with an anxious child. Ironically, spring and summertime can induce nervousness about all the things we want to do! Stop first and look for peace. Choose meditation, time in nature, and physical activity as ways to re-create yourself, then see if your child changes as well.

The Innate Brilliance of Children

Children have an internal program that drives them to meet challenges and to practice new skills through play. Just as we do not need to teach a child to walk, we do not and cannot teach children how to play. Although fair play and social skills are not innate, the desire to work through life's circumstances through creative free play is innate. Since children cannot intellectualize their experiences, they play them out with their bodies, and in doing so, practice skills and learn how life works. Since this remarkable capability cannot be directed by adults; it can be misunderstood. It lives in the domain of children. It requires special eyes to see and when I do, it fills me with wonder. I've learned to trust the innate brilliance of children and not to interfere (unless safety is an issue) when children are engaged in playing out their challenges or practicing physical or social skills. The following examples will demonstrate some of the ways creative free play helps children learn how life works. One toddler when she started coming to the Center, was set free to adjust by a caring and trusting parent. Being new to the environment, the adults, and the children, she began creating a comfortable space for herself. She sat on the rug outside of her cubby and proceeded to place her clothing items one by one in a circle around herself. There she was amongst her familiar things, sometimes sitting up and occassionally, lying down. Teachers did not interfere and overall, children respected what she was creating. Only when free playtime was over, teachers helped her put away her things and come to the rug for circle or the table for snack. Without understanding this child's brilliance, an adult might tell her that clothes stay in the cubby but on her own, the toddler came to this herself. One day, she did not need to surround herself with familiar things to feel secure and she went off to play with the toys and other children. Another child was witnessing his mother's illness including surgical bandaging. Of course, he could not articulate what he and his mother were experiencing, but he was able to explore it in his own way. The teachers noticed that every day he would come in with band-aids all over his legs. At first they wondered about this behavior, but then they realized that he was experiencing a wound in the only way he knew how. Kudos to the parents who allowed him to find his way to understand his life's circumstances by playing the patient and sympathizing with his mother. Normally toddlers' play is singular but the preschoolers often engage others in their play. I've seen children with new siblings play house, exploring different family roles, including being the baby. A child whose parents are divorcing or moving may create safety games. One boy would get into a close space and have another one sheath him with silks. Inside in the warmth and the dark, he was experiencing control of his life's situation, one he had no control over. He was able to feel safe in his play however, and have a friend help him create what he needed. Both boys engaged in the game and both benefitted from playing it. I've seen countless examples of this self-directed behavior, making sense of life's circumstances and practicing skills they are imitating through play. That's why we allow children freedom in their creative free play. Their little bodies know what they need and within certain parameters of safety, they can go about getting it. I regularly watch a little boy play at the kitchen in the community room; practicing cooking in a methodical and focused way. When mom returns, he serves her a morning cup of coffee to the delight of both the server and the served. Clearly, he's learning and if we told him to do this job, he'd be less inclined to engage with such joy and attention. Instead he is expressing his innate brilliance and the least we can do is to allow him to do so. On the other hand, (there are always two hands), it's my observation that although children explore what they need to do in creative free play, in the adult-directed realm, they ask us for direction. Their innate brilliance does not include social mores. Those are adults' job to teach, for example table manners, hand-washing, dressing for outdoors, resting, etc.. As long as we adults understand where children are able to lead and where it's best for the adults to lead, it's possible to find gracefulness in the dance where children and adults live together. This is the basis for a strong, trusting relationship; just what we aim for in early childhood, forming the foundation for a whole and healthy life.

Springtime and Awakening

In winter, the earth goes to sleep until February when we see signs that she is awakening, signs such as bird song in the morning, green shoots peeking out of the mud and daylight hours lengthening. Although there are signs of awakening in February, there is still plenty of darkness and cold. It is as if the earth needs naps to achieve the enormous feat of springtime. Early Childhood is the springtime of a human's life; a time of freshness, hope, dreamy consciousness and lots of naps. The more conscious we adults are of tending the needs of the young child, the more the child can stay asleep until ready to wake up. A child who is asleep directly experiences life in its wholeness. What is it to be awake in our consciousness? It is to know life is precious, ever changing and is impacted by our conscious view of it. Although we may strive to stay conscious, sometimes in the course of day to day life challenges, we fall asleep to what is important. Those are the times that the beauty and joy of living recedes. But then, thankfully, something happens and we wake up again. Last week, the little ones in the parent-toddler program were having foot baths or as we referred to it, "baby spa". Their rounded feet beneath rounded thighs and calves splashed in the calming oil-scented water and they looked down while lifting their feet up and down experiencing the sensations. Besides the delight of babies, reminders of the temporality of life came in the brush of death in an old friend from my young adult years and a parent in the Center community. Yes, we are here now but we won't be forever and remembering that does change how we live today. The glory of living reveals itself in beginnings and endings, but what of all the days in between? We are provided with glimpses; there are more if we look for them and they are easy to find in both springtime and young children. When you go outside or witness your child, remember it's springtime, time to be aware of life's precious moments, time to wake up!

Sleep Children Sleep

Researchers report that sleep deprivation is impacting not only adults and adolescents but also children from infancy through elementary school. At three and a half years of age, a child needs somewhere between eleven and fourteen hours daily. We know that few family's schedules allow for a 7:00 p.m. bedtime followed by the 7:00 a.m. wake-up of a well rested child. Rather it is more common for children to get between nine and ten hours of sleep a night; making up for the other two to three hours during the day. If that time is not made up for and the child misses two hours of sleep a night, that amounts to one sleepless night a week. Imagine the exhaustion you would feel if you missed a night's sleep on a weekly basis. Unfortunately, drowsiness in young children often shows up as hyperactivity and difficult behavior which compounds the problem by diverting parents' attention from the sleep issue. A Colorado sleep institute observed that toddlers who miss a nap show more anxiety, less joy and poorer problem-solving skills. In other words, as most parents can attest, tired children tend to be cranky, and ironically, they often resist the medicine they need. However, something can be done. St. Luke's Hospital Sleep Research Center put it succintly: "The increase in evening activities combined with a child's resistance to going to bed place a significant emphasis on the parent's ability to be firm, consistent and organized about bedtimes and the importance of sleep." Hence, it boils down to making a decision, getting organized and following through. These are the same skills required to succeed in any given task but often parents have trouble with bedtime, largely due to fallacies about sleep. It's not true that if children stay up later at night or skip a nap, they will sleep better at night. Nor is the idea that riding in a car makes a child sleepy. A well-rested child will not fall asleep when sedentary. Also, if an infant or toddler wakes up at night, it is not an indication that the child needs more attention during the day. All infants wake up periodically and if the behavior is not reinforced with attention, the child will outgrow it. Basically, children can learn to fall asleep and then when they wake up, go back to sleep on their own. Last spring, I met a parent who trained his toddler to go to sleep on his own by 7:00 p.m. every night. When his son woke up at night as young children routinely do, he would put himself back to sleep. The father explained that his methods were unpopular amongst his peers but he and his wife enjoy their evenings together and his well-rested son is a happy child. At the Rose Garden Early Childhood Center, we create an environment every afternoon in which children sleep. Just like adequate exercise and proper nutrition, we know that the young child needs sleep in order to be healthy. Therefore sleep rhythms are a part of the culture we create. We often see little ones yawning at the lunch table. Their bodies know that once the bowls are finished and their teeth brushed, they will be on their cots in a darkened room, covered by a warm blanket, snuggling a soft toy. If they don't fall asleep, they at least rest on their cots. Most sleep. We know that in many ways it's easier for us since this is our work, we study pedagogical philosophy and methods and have the support of colleagues. However, the fundamentals of creating a family culture are the same. Parents decide to meet the children's needs for sleep, then organize the evening dinner, bath and bedtime rituals, and follow through consistently. If a well rested child is less cranky and overall healthier, isn't it worth the effort?

Parenting in the Light

Parenting involves moment to moment decision-making. It requires rational thinking at times in the presence of strong emotions from our children and parents' emotions may be triggered, too. That's when it gets tricky since feelings can derail thinking, leading to faulty logic and then more emotion including embarrassment and guilt. To break the cycle of reactivity, when emotionally triggered, parents are well advised to take a moment of pause to notice the feelings that are present and to ponder the situation. Emotions for healthy adults are governed by thinking, but for children emotions just are. What do children feel? They feel fear, anger, frustration, as well as joy, love and enthusiasm many times a day. If parents' decisions are influenced by children's ephemeral emotions, it's like a boat on stormy seas. Rational thinking provides the rudder that steers the family boat to safe harbor despite temporary squalls. Although not overtly emotional, this kind of thinking is fueled by love. Love that is calm and consistent like the sun, faithfully rising each morning. Love that is a choice not a feeling. Just like the sun does not look to humans to decide whether or not to shine on us, parents' thinking is not based on the child's emotions but is bestowed on the child's behalf. Children who are given the warmth of a warm sunny gaze, backed by clear decisions, grow strong and healthy. They grow toward the light. This time of year, our children may be excited and parents on the other hand, may want a calm holiday without upsets. However, peace at all costs comes at a dear price. Parents may pay for it by reinforcing negative behaviors with attention. Children know that they should not get everything they want in the form of gifts or attention. With parents choosing consciously, children learn to appreciate more even when they receive less. While reinforcing what we want children to learn, what can parents do when children act inappropriately? Give a direction once, then ignore the behaviors, allowing the child to find his or her way or to experience the consequences. Parents observe and witness the child's learning curve. Yes, if safety is an issue, our children need to be stopped but ignoring the rest is best. This requires clear intentions, trust and steadfastness or parenting in the light of consciousness. The return of the light is about more than gifts and parties, it is a celebration of the light of human consciousness. It's about birthing something new in our own hearts, a courageous love that fuels clear thoughts, emotions and actions. At times, the light of wisdom disappears and then we look for it, practicing finding it again and again. When it returns, we sigh "Hallelujah".

What do Mr.Rogers, my grandmother and good early childhood teachers have in common?

Fred Rogers of Mr. Roger's Neighborhood sent a powerful message to children about a world that is good, orderly and worthy of respect. He purveyed the message with his calm demeanor and regular habits (putting on his indoor shoes and sweater slowly and methodically) while talking directly to the children (although unseen) with deep interest and respect. His behavior gave the sense that no matter what happened, everything would be okay and if situations arose (stories of inappropriate social behaviors for example), he would seize the learning opportunity and teach a moral lesson. He responded rather than reacting to situations in a way that was slow and steady; that makes children feel safe. I was reminiscing last weekend about Thanksgivings at my grandparents' house. When we entered the house as children, the box of dad's old toys was out and the tables were set with turkey name tags and a glass of apple juice at each plate. In the retelling, this does not sound extraordinary, but it felt that way to us just because it was simple and consistent. My paternal grandparents lived not far from the house I grew up in with my parents and seven siblings. We loved going to their house and looked forward to their Friday visits when we would share a dessert and the evening. My grandfather's specialty was game-playing and my grandmother's specialty was baked goods but even more important, her presence. Around her, we wanted to be good. We knew that if we sat next to her, she would speak calmly and quietly to us but mostly she would listen, regarding words or injuries shared with quiet attention and care. I can picture her cradling my finger with a boo boo in a way that felt healing. She was steady and to a child (my cousins included), we adored her. We felt deeply respected, loved and hopeful that we were growing up in a world that was good. Predictability and goodness are the same for a child. LifeWays early childhood teachers know that being calm, consistent and caring are qualities that aid children's development. Practices that include regular habits of words and actions but especially of being, are highly respectful to children who cannot differentiate between themselves and the outside situations that cause adults to be harried. It's all personal for young children; they cannot separate themselves. They take in the world deeply with their unfiltered senses and look to adults for a picture that the world is good and they are welcome in it. If teachers and parents create regular habits around their day to day lives in particular around their way of being, this serves children's developmental needs. Rudolf Steiner referred to this as working "out of the etheric or habit body", which allows children to tap into a wellspring of energy flowing toward a solid foundation in life, building security and hopefulness. Multi-tasking and novelty on the otherhand, promote insecurity in the child who wonders what will happen next, how to meet it and who will pay attention to them. For the sake of our children, slow down, pay attention and keep it simple; giving children what they need most and see, it might serve the adults as well.

Who is in Charge?

A parent asked a group of teachers one morning about who is in charge at pick-up time or more directly, would it be okay for her to correct a child's misbehavior in front of other parents and teachers? That's a good question reminding me that "it takes a village" but within the village, it takes agreement. Transition times are challenging, pick-up time in particular since it's the second biggest shift in the day, the first being the one away from parents to the Center. At pick-up time, arriving parents can be tentative about asserting themselves, not wanting to step on any toes, holding back as far as intervention goes. This is just the opportunity that a child needs to exert his or herself and claim attention, sometimes in socially inappropriate ways. In a village or community where there is agreement about values and standards, any nearby adult is encouraged to reinforce them. At the Rose Garden, we assume agreement about teaching lessons that you cannot hurt anybody or anything. As long as the adults bear in mind that young children need reminders which are most effective brought in an emotionally-neutral and consistent way, we can let go of the idea that we might offend an adult and intervene when we witness a socially unacceptable act. Afterwards, the adults can have a clarifying conversation but it's best to step in and stop inappropriate behavior in a kindly way as soon as we see it to ensure the safety of the children. Some suggested ways of intervening include reminding a child who is using hitting hands or mean words that we say, "Use your gentle hands and kind words." We may also say that "We don't hit people or talk that way here." If children are excluding other children in play, we have a mantra, "Yes you may play with me today" so children step back to allow another child enter the play house or a free form game. However, at times we allow a few children to finish their game before they widen the circle, encouraging children to find another game and come back in a little while. Living, working and playing in society involves learning lessons about how to be with others all the time so we do not expect our little ones to have mastered them. If you are an adult who witnesses socially unacceptable behavior, please feel free to tell a child that it is not okay to hurt anyone. It's important for children to see that all the adults are looking out for them. That in itself can be a deterrent.

How to Prepare Children for an Unknown Future

Parents are asked to prepare children for the future, while living in the present, having been raised in the past. This reality can invoke fear on the part of modern parents. As a result, overscheduling is a common practice. Parenting consultant, Kim John Payne, however, suggests that Simplicity Parenting and its emphasis on providing time for extended periods of play prepares children for a complex future, whereas rigidly structuring our children's days is a throw back to the 1950's. Times have changed. Our children will not grow up to live and work in a world in which they train for a vocation that will provide them with job security and a pension for their retirement years. Preparation for that kind of world would be well served by heavily structuring children's time so they can according to Payne, "learn things from within a box and meet expectations and people-please". The structured and straightforward world of the past is rapidly deconstructing. Most people agree that our future economy and the skills needed to meet it are based on innovation - the ability to adapt to changing circumstances. Instead of following a strict schedule and rules, the learner who is prepared for the future is capable of figuring out how to find his or her own answers. What does this mean for parents? Simplicity Parenting, as described by Payne, is a way of life that "promotes play and creativity and honors a kid's needs and natural rhythms". Although some see this movement as a privilege for those who will be protected from the harsh realities of modern living (like living in the "Little House of the Prarie" times), Payne says that "nothing could be further from the truth". When children are allowed to have the time and space to get into serious play, they build an inner structure that is capable of innovation and developing the variety of skills that are necessary to meet the future. They become capable of creating their own structure for a life rather than relying on the external structure that no longer exists. It's time to let go of the past, to embrace the present with confidence and prepare our children to meet the future. Frankly, it's more difficult to keep children from practicing innovation than it is to allow them to do so. They have what it takes and through play, they grow in the skill and confidence needed to meet the future come what may.

How We Know What We Know

I am fascinated by how people learn, grow and change. How do we come to know what we know? In the study of knowledge practices or epistemology, ways of knowing can be broken into two groups, masculine and feminine. Masculine knowledge practices are based on information coming from outside sources. When an idea is presented and considered valuable, research is done, and if the concept is proven true, results are presented as fact. Hence, one can read about a research study and acquire knowledge from the outside in. On the other hand, feminine knowledge practices are based on personal experience. Something is known because the individual experienced it as true or conducted personal research. This way of knowing things accounts for the uniqueness of the individual. This is acquiring knowledge from the inside out. Anthroposophy, the spiritual science developed by humanitarian, philosopher and natural scientist, Rudolf Steiner, is a feminine way of knowing things. At the Rose Garden Early Childhood Center, anthroposophic indications inform our work with the children and the teachers' path to self development, although they are never directly taught to children. Steiner's indications are not meant be taken as truth but are rather to be experimented with to see if they are true for the individual. In this way, the individual develops an inner authority and is enpowered to find personal solutions to problems. In order to engage with anthroposophy, it requires an open mind, a willingness to experiment and to track personal results. I thank this spiritual science for the understanding of myself, child development and principles that I bring to my work. It is the fertile ground that the Rose Garden was born into three years ago on September 16th. How do I know that Steiner's indications about early childhood education work? I know that they work because the Rose Garden is a healthy, thriving system, able to learn and grow. Happy Birthday Rose Garden! This month, you wear the birthday crown.

LifeWays Training Graduation

When I graduated from LifeWays about ten years ago, I spoke at the ceremony on behalf of our group. Yesterday, while clearing out my bookshelves, I came across the speech. This time of year, the heat, the humid air, the outdoor activities with the children all remind me of my training experience. Presently, we are putting together a group for the training in Buffalo that will begin this fall. With a feeling of coming full circle, of gratitude and awe, I am sharing the graduation speech below. Time has passed but the sentiments remain the same. "I am grateful to speak on behalf of the LifeWays graduates today and we are all grateful to the mother of LifeWays, Cynthia Aldinger, our dear teacher; to our mentors; and our families who supported us by doing their best to get by without us for three weeks over the summer. Finally or perhaps firstly, we would like to acknowledge all the young children who in Wordsworth's words are "trailing clouds of glory" for they open our hearts and bring us to our senses again and again. Last summer, this group of women met when we participated in the Foundations of Early Childhood class in Maine. When we discovered the meaningful content and engaging presentation, we wanted more than that course and we found out there was more. There was (and is) a LifeWays certification training to partake in, a program that painted a broad but in depth picture of early childhood and allowed each of us to enter into it wherever we were and to take it wherever we will. When the course ended, we went back to our work and during the year, we started doing things differently; making both big and subtle changes. One of us has a new job, another has a baby on the way and another changed her program by extending the day. So when we arrived to study this summer, we were a group of seven women who were ready to learn and we knew why. We had tasted both the training and its benefits. Although seven seems a small number, this group of women represents four countries, even four continents. Our experience with children is collectively extensive although some are just beginning that work. We have unique talents, a shared dedication to home, to ourselves, to our connections with each other and all living things, to the spirit that lives in you and me and in every dear child and parent we meet. Through this training, we feel as if we have been welcomed home, home with a light in the window. Thank you."

Mothers in the merry month of May

It's mothering month and The New York Times Book Review and Time Magazine gave the topic a recent cover. Clearly, it's been extensively analyzed, written about and experienced. Since I'm not an expert on attachment parenting, Chinese, French or Irish mothering, for this post, I'll stick with the experiential. When my sister-in-law was pregnant about 14 years ago, my mother (who raised 8 children) commented that she'll make a good mother. At that time, I wondered what qualities she was referring to, but unfortunately, I didn't ask, and at this time, my mother is unable to remember. Like with most things, I need to look for the answer to my own question. As is turns out, I agree, my sister-in-law is a good mother. She is present, encouraging and consistent not only in the mothering realm but in her own life. Her work outside the home interests and engages her as does her work at home. I've met moms who fit this description and I'm blessed to be in their presence. There's a dear toddler whose mom has been both professional, warm, and light-hearted in our interactions. She takes care of matters concerning her child, communicates clearly with us and follows her intuition. She meets what comes and makes good choices based on the information available and on who she is, avoiding excessive guilt, second-guessing and worry. Her life is full and she doesn't have time or energy to waste or to spin her wheels emotionally. She's clear-thinking, emotionally balanced and appropriately involved. I've watched her hold back to observe her daughter for a few moments before picking her up, then delighting in her child's smile when she is spied. Through experience and careful observation, I've come to conclude that a good mother is one who is engaged and balanced. There is no set of rules that she must follow except for the most basic laws of nature, of getting what she gives, of putting her best foot forward. The self-confident mother makes decisions in alignment with her values and does not sweat the small stuff. When life is busy or unmanageable, she recognizes it and makes adjustments. Then in the retelling, she laughs about herself. This participation in life with clear intentions and actions, an open heart and mental clarity is key to successful mothering. A happy and relaxed mom makes for a happy and relaxed child. It's not something we can learn in a book, life is our teacher. How do we practice it? Participate in a full and active life, pay attention to internal and external cues and let everything else go. You'll make mistakes, but in striving to learn, you'll find your inner mother. Congratulations dear engaged and engaging Mothers. May your lives be full and your month merry.

Seeing Children

"Treat people as if they are what they ought to be and you help them to become what they are capable of being." - Goethe

Last weekend, I went to the NYS Association for Education of the Young Child Conference and sat amongst colleagues; a group with whom I share aspirations and concerns. Together, we focused on the big picture; remembering what is important in our work. Removed from our day to day duties, we listened to speakers, talked amongst ourselves and filled notebooks with ideas of what we can implement in our programs.

I've found the value in revisiting fundamentals at conferences and making them new. For example, we discussed the simple concept that our responses to children are based on our perception of what they need. Anyone who has spent time in the company of children knows the refrain, "look at me". Simply put, children need to be seen. As teachers and caregivers, we must let them know, "I see you" and develop a kind of vision (based on knowing a child's potential) that brings out the best in them. It's a method that can build connections, confidence and success.

How do we learn to see in this way? First of all, we must believe that all children can and want to learn socially appropriate behavior and they are looking to us to teach them. They are doing what they do in order to get their needs met; their social emotional needs to be seen with eyes of acceptance and approval while learning. As long as we value the relationship and staying connected with the child even when the child has lessons yet unlearned, we will look with eyes of acceptance, (or at least fake it until we make it). We will see the small steps of progress. A great way to get started in developing this kind of vision is to write down ten good things we see in a child each day.

Through this work of consciously seeing the child, our eyes begin to glow with warmth like sunshine. While on my lunch break at the conference, I stepped outside of the center, feeling tired and filled up with information. The sun was shining so I sat down on a bench for a few minutes. Afterwards, I felt re-energized and ready to go back inside, open to learning more. It's amazing what sunshine will do for the body, soul and mind of an adult. Can you imagine what the glow of sunshine coming from a caring adult's eyes (no matter what the weather)will do for a child?

Spring Cleaning and Non-attachment

Our society tends toward overabundance: too much stuff, too much information and then too much emotion or even overwhelm about managing it all. It's time for spring cleaning but how can we get rid of the clutter, scale back and grab hold of the essentials?

I have found that a daily practice keeps stuff from becoming too much. However, I still find myself occassionally needing to sort through clutter in my home or office and inwardly, in my mind or heart. When stuff accummulates, I can grow attached to it even it if is not serving me; it feels like mine and can be hard to get rid of.

Sometimes, I get attached to ideas and plans. Even though indications are that a plan will not work, I've been known to hold on to it.

This spring, we had planned to begin hosting the 13 month LifeWays training, actually we had originally planned to begin it in the fall but postponed it until the spring. After several attempts to get the word out, we did not have enough enrollment, so we scaled back.

Instead of a complete LifeWays training, we are going to host a weekend long (20 hour) workshop. Cynthia Aldinger, the LifeWays founder will come to Buffalo to teach it. On Thursday, April 26th at 7:30 p.m., Cynthia will present a lecture called, "Finding Resiliency in a World of Overwhelm". Then on Friday, Saturday and Sunday of that weekend, she will present a workshop on LifeWays Principles for parents, teachers, and all those who care for young children.

At least, that's the plan. We are looking forward to hosting the workshop, holding it with an open hand not a clenched fist. One thing we know for sure is that we will do our spring cleaning and be ready to receive guests. Then we will see who comes.

How did I get here?

We went to the annual WECAN (Waldorf Early Childhood Association of North American)Conference early this month. It's held at Sunbridge Institute just outside New York City. The keynote speaker opened with a question, "How did you get here?" referring to the journey we each took to get to the conference that weekend but also the big picture of how we came to do the work we are doing. The speaker went on to explain his journey to teaching in a Waldorf kindergarten in France, including both the conscious and unconscious components. Then he spoke about his work before he closed with a verse from Rudolf Steiner, a verse that returned us to the opening question.

The wishes of the soul are springing.
The deeds of the will are thriving.
The fruits of life are maturing.

I feel my fate,
My fate finds me.
I feel my star,
My star finds me.
I feel my goals in life,
My goals in life are finding me.
My soul and the great World are one.
Life grows more radiant around me,
Life grows more difficult for me,
Life grows richer within me.

Strive for peace.
Love peace.
Live in peace.

This verse was pinned to the bulletin board in my kitchen for years and I would ponder its meaning and my destiny path. As I look back now, I marvel over what has happened in my life, bearing witness to the words in the verse. I am not afraid of life growing more difficult (as I was when I first encountered the verse) because I now know difficulty is balanced by wonder and sheer delight in meeting a destiny path. As I walk it, it carries me along.

When I was young, my mother stayed at home with eight children and my father would drive to work mornings. During the 1970's, he noticed many women bringing young children to places outside their home for the day. This troubled my father, it was a new social model, one he did not understand and he was concerned about how the children would fare. My father is deceased more than 10 years now and I think of him often and his consistency (never missed a day of work) as well as his sensitivity toward the issue of child care.

Almost ten years ago, I was teaching in the Early Childhood program at Aurora Waldorf School and I wanted to do some training over the summer. I decided to go to the Rudolf Steiner Institute which was then housed on a college campus in Maine. Surveying the course offerings, I chose a LifeWays course because it matched my sensibility of "keeping it simple", empahasizing relationships and processes rather than products in Early Childhood Education.

When I took the course, I found there was an option to continue LifeWays training; I did and became certified. The question of child care that my father posed when I was young, resurfaced and I found the concept of creating a LifeWays Center growing in me. I took steps forward wondering how it would all work out and knowing it would both at the same time.

Through this process, I was brought to the task of social entrepreneurship, a task although difficult, made easier by the knowledge that it's my work to do. At the onset, resources I thought were available were not and other unexpected resources showed up. It's been interesting to discover what is beyond each bend in the road and to see our three year old Center becoming what it is meant to become for in the process, we are all becoming. What a joy to witness what was once invisible now living in the physical world for all to see!

Yet we are not done; we've laid the foundation for hosting a LifeWays training in Buffalo and we are eagerly anticipating what it will become. Soon we will know if there are enough participants for the first Buffalo training to begin in April or if we are meant to find another way. At any rate, we know that what we need to find we will find, and the rest will find us.