Now it's time to personalize the ideas about caring for the caregiver. I find that when I am writing about a certain topic, it just so happens to be a topic I need to pay attention to myself. It's Tuesday after a holiday weekend and there is a lot of work to be done, two days of work need to fit into one, but I am feeling tired. What would be a caring thing to do? I cannot forget about the things to do but I can keep the list short and my attitude light (only doing the things that need to be done today) and then I can stop when the work is done. Stop thinking about tomorrow's list and take a walk, a bike ride, do some gardening or take a nap. It is self-caring to know when enough is enough,(I am reminding myself).
Questions to ponder:
Do you get enough sleep on a regular basis?
Do you eat right (balanced, healthy food)?
Do you exercise regularly (even a daily walk)?
Do you go to the Doctor and the Dentist regularly for a check-up?
Do you schedule time for recreation (being with friends, going out, reading or whatever else you like to do)?
Do you have a healthy rhythm that allows enough time to do what you have to do or are you often rushing and feeling a bit breathless?
Do you observe nature, it's changes and beauty?
Do you stop to listen and observe your child, taking interest in what he or she is doing or saying and what he or she is becoming?
Do you allow yourself time to reflect on what is happening and your dreams for the future?
Do you choose carefully the information you take in, reading books, seeing movies and surrounding yourself with people that are positive and inspirational?
Do you allow yourself to formulate a picture of your children and your spouse that emphasizes their best qualities, reinforcing those characteristics so they will grow and refraining from criticism?
Did you know that your inner dialogue comes from the things you heard from authorities when you were a child? What kinds of things do you say to your self?
What do you say to your child (in particular when he/she is having a hard time)?
Did you know that making mistakes is a natural part of learning and that it takes three positive comments to balance a negative one and to keep a relationship healthy?
The most important relationship you have is the one with your self. Are you in "right relationship" with your self? What is one new habit you can commit to that is self-caring?
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Monday, May 18, 2009
Caring for the Caregivers
Last week, we explored the stages of human development and this week as promised, we will consider ways to care for the caregivers.
I remember a time in my life when I was especially exhausted and a colleague told me to look for the ways my energy was leaking out. What leaks I wondered? But I held the question in mind and before long, I discovered those leaks and then I set about to find ways to plug up the holes which was not an overnight process but a necessary one. As long as I had energy leaks, it didn't matter how much I slept or how well I ate, I ended up depleted.
That's the first step. Consider where your energy might be leaking out, paying conscious attention to habits that might be invisible. I have found that bearing regrets (I wish I would have...), worrying about the future and generally overcomplicating life are some of the ways that I allow my precious energy to leak out. I'll explain a little what I mean by each of those.
If I am focused on regrets for example, I am not present for the moment and so my attention is divided between what I am doing and what I am thinking about, which is an exhausting state of being. Also, I cannot do anything about the past, it's done and rumination will not produce any good. It's a waste of energy. I trust that we learn the right thing at the right time and this releases regrets and opens the door to compassion. In some ways, we are all slow learners and mistakes are a part of the learning process. Reflecting about the past, however, and considering new ways to approach situations is a fruitful exercise, but that is not what I am talking about here.
Worrying about the future and what might come to pass is another way our energy leaks out. I like to picture the Grimm's Fairy Tale, "Clever Elsie" when I consider the effects of projecting negative outcomes. It's the story in which a young woman is celebrating her engagement and goes down into the basement to get something. There she finds a hatchet over the stairwell and she sits down to cry because she imagines that one day she might have a child who will then go downstairs and the hatchet might fall on his head and kill him. One by one family members go downstairs looking for the person who left the table last and when each one hears the story, he or she sits down and cries.
Now that is a rather funny picture of worrying about the future and my favorite antidote to worry is humor. I cannot laugh about something and worry about it at the same time. That's not to say that sad things will not happen, they definitely will but worrying about them will not prepare us to meet them when they come. Worry depletes us and like an active toddler, our thinking can quickly dash off into negative imaginings that feed our worries. Better to stay in the present reality, perceiving what comes and trusting we will know what to do when challenges arrive. Again worrying is not the same as honestly accessing a situation and feeling concern, then planning a course of action. It is imagining a negative outcome before it arrives or rather getting ahead of ourselves and it requires some mental muscle not to engage in it.
Overcomplicating things is another way we diffuse our energy. There is great value to keeping life simple. By that I mean, to take time to plan and be clear about what you are doing, paring it down to the essentials. For example, when you simplify your children's toy collection, you find it is easier to clean up and it reduces stress for both of you. Also, it makes it simpler for your child to determine what he or she wants to play with. Another way to simplify is to set up a weekly and daily rhythm so you don't have to rethink what needs to be done every day or be concerned that you won't get to something.
Sunday could be the day for visiting grandparents and eating chicken. Monday might be soup day and laundry day. Tuesday might be spahetti and dusting day. In this way of assigning meals and activities to certain days of the week, you not only make grocery-shopping easier but you know you will get to all the chores you need to do in the course of the week. Again, you can experience what it is you are doing, with the freedom of having a plan for doing all the things you need to do. Children enjoy this kind of predictable rhythm (with some exceptions of course); it makes them feel secure and helps them to develop good habits.
Another way to simplify life is to consider planning your day so that it breathes. By this I mean having activity that is an in-breath (gathering resources) followed by an out-breath (letting go). That means doing something that is formed like going to the supermarket followed by something that is less restrictive, like playing in the yard. This also teaches children about balance and seems to expand the amount of time there is in a day and the amount of energy we have to give to it.
Another noteworthy reminder that involves all three of the energy leaks mentioned already, is minimizing effort or being efficient with energy. For example, if I am writing on the computer and I am clenching my jaw (because I am worrying about something), I am using more physical energy than I need to. I might have tightness in my neck after I finish my work as well as fatigue. If we pay attention inwardly, we can discover the ways that we tighten our muscles more than a task requires causing tension and exhaustion. It's not just getting the job done, but how we reach our goals that matters.
In a nutshell, these energy leaks are ways of thinking/being that rob us of the present moment. They can creep into our day and consume great amounts of our time and energy. The good thing is that once we find the leaks, we can plug them up with conscious effort and although we may not actually have more time, being present feels like it. There is a feeling of time expanding when we are in the moment and not divided by our thoughts. This way of being is also the most nourishing to our children who cannot understand when we are there but not really there because we are distracted by our own thoughts rather than witnessing life as it is happening. Children become less needy when they are held by this kind of consciousness.
Next week, we will reflect on ways to fill up energy reserves but first consider where you might have leaks.
I remember a time in my life when I was especially exhausted and a colleague told me to look for the ways my energy was leaking out. What leaks I wondered? But I held the question in mind and before long, I discovered those leaks and then I set about to find ways to plug up the holes which was not an overnight process but a necessary one. As long as I had energy leaks, it didn't matter how much I slept or how well I ate, I ended up depleted.
That's the first step. Consider where your energy might be leaking out, paying conscious attention to habits that might be invisible. I have found that bearing regrets (I wish I would have...), worrying about the future and generally overcomplicating life are some of the ways that I allow my precious energy to leak out. I'll explain a little what I mean by each of those.
If I am focused on regrets for example, I am not present for the moment and so my attention is divided between what I am doing and what I am thinking about, which is an exhausting state of being. Also, I cannot do anything about the past, it's done and rumination will not produce any good. It's a waste of energy. I trust that we learn the right thing at the right time and this releases regrets and opens the door to compassion. In some ways, we are all slow learners and mistakes are a part of the learning process. Reflecting about the past, however, and considering new ways to approach situations is a fruitful exercise, but that is not what I am talking about here.
Worrying about the future and what might come to pass is another way our energy leaks out. I like to picture the Grimm's Fairy Tale, "Clever Elsie" when I consider the effects of projecting negative outcomes. It's the story in which a young woman is celebrating her engagement and goes down into the basement to get something. There she finds a hatchet over the stairwell and she sits down to cry because she imagines that one day she might have a child who will then go downstairs and the hatchet might fall on his head and kill him. One by one family members go downstairs looking for the person who left the table last and when each one hears the story, he or she sits down and cries.
Now that is a rather funny picture of worrying about the future and my favorite antidote to worry is humor. I cannot laugh about something and worry about it at the same time. That's not to say that sad things will not happen, they definitely will but worrying about them will not prepare us to meet them when they come. Worry depletes us and like an active toddler, our thinking can quickly dash off into negative imaginings that feed our worries. Better to stay in the present reality, perceiving what comes and trusting we will know what to do when challenges arrive. Again worrying is not the same as honestly accessing a situation and feeling concern, then planning a course of action. It is imagining a negative outcome before it arrives or rather getting ahead of ourselves and it requires some mental muscle not to engage in it.
Overcomplicating things is another way we diffuse our energy. There is great value to keeping life simple. By that I mean, to take time to plan and be clear about what you are doing, paring it down to the essentials. For example, when you simplify your children's toy collection, you find it is easier to clean up and it reduces stress for both of you. Also, it makes it simpler for your child to determine what he or she wants to play with. Another way to simplify is to set up a weekly and daily rhythm so you don't have to rethink what needs to be done every day or be concerned that you won't get to something.
Sunday could be the day for visiting grandparents and eating chicken. Monday might be soup day and laundry day. Tuesday might be spahetti and dusting day. In this way of assigning meals and activities to certain days of the week, you not only make grocery-shopping easier but you know you will get to all the chores you need to do in the course of the week. Again, you can experience what it is you are doing, with the freedom of having a plan for doing all the things you need to do. Children enjoy this kind of predictable rhythm (with some exceptions of course); it makes them feel secure and helps them to develop good habits.
Another way to simplify life is to consider planning your day so that it breathes. By this I mean having activity that is an in-breath (gathering resources) followed by an out-breath (letting go). That means doing something that is formed like going to the supermarket followed by something that is less restrictive, like playing in the yard. This also teaches children about balance and seems to expand the amount of time there is in a day and the amount of energy we have to give to it.
Another noteworthy reminder that involves all three of the energy leaks mentioned already, is minimizing effort or being efficient with energy. For example, if I am writing on the computer and I am clenching my jaw (because I am worrying about something), I am using more physical energy than I need to. I might have tightness in my neck after I finish my work as well as fatigue. If we pay attention inwardly, we can discover the ways that we tighten our muscles more than a task requires causing tension and exhaustion. It's not just getting the job done, but how we reach our goals that matters.
In a nutshell, these energy leaks are ways of thinking/being that rob us of the present moment. They can creep into our day and consume great amounts of our time and energy. The good thing is that once we find the leaks, we can plug them up with conscious effort and although we may not actually have more time, being present feels like it. There is a feeling of time expanding when we are in the moment and not divided by our thoughts. This way of being is also the most nourishing to our children who cannot understand when we are there but not really there because we are distracted by our own thoughts rather than witnessing life as it is happening. Children become less needy when they are held by this kind of consciousness.
Next week, we will reflect on ways to fill up energy reserves but first consider where you might have leaks.
Monday, May 11, 2009
Child Development and Caregiving
Mother's Day got me thinking about mothering and the notion of mothering mothers. Who cares for the caregivers or thinks about this question? Fathers, grandparents, and friends care about mothers' wellbeing, but do mothers receive the care they need and make time for self a valid enterprise? Where do mothers get the support they really need? Authentic caregiving comes from a heart that is so full, it is spilling over, but with so many things to do and to think about, it's a challenge to find time to take care of ourselves.
Before we discuss the practical aspects of self care (next week), I'd like to explain the model of child development that Waldorf teachers work from. Having a sensible model for human development helps provides a foundation for decision-making and holding the big picture can relieve stress about the smaller decisions. Whereas young children learn by doing and imitation, the portal for adult learning is through the intellect. According to Benjamin Franklin, "all real learning involves a change of behavior", but a behavior change begins with thinking about things in a new way.
Children from birth to seven years of age are rapidly developing their physical bodies. Inner organs are not fully developed until children are three years old so there is much forming that happens outside the womb in those early years. Caring for the young child involves primarily care of the physical body: eating, bathing sleeping, staying warm, building the immune system (often through confronting illnesses), etc. Sensory information goes deeply into the young child (who has no intellectual filters) so carefully choosing the child'd sensory experiences is key.
From seven to fourteen years of age, children are developing their life force (to carry them through a lifetime of physical activity), and the beginning of this phase is marked by the change of teeth. At this point, the physical body has developed so that the child is ready to pursue academic tasks. In other words, the developmental forces that were working on the physical body are now free to work in the realm of learning concepts. This is often a difficult leap for parents in this society when children are encouraged to start academic work at earlier ages, but bear in mind that the children in Finland do not start first grade until seven years of age and they have the highest literacy rate in the world and scores on the European high school exams.
The third stage of development is indicated by the onset of puberty and has to do with the development of the emotional aspect or the soul of the human being. Although young children, of course, have feelings, they do not carry the same weight as the feelings of adolesence when they come from a more personal place rather the general and imitative place of the young child. The soul is a highly invividualized aspect of the human being.
Finally, the fourth seven year cycle is from 21 to 28 years of age, when the thinking of the human begins to blossom. It is a time of trying things out in the world, of taking risks, of learning about how to relate to the world as an independent human being. This is when thoughts come together about how to operate in the world and to move toward one's purpose and meaningful work in the world.
What do children need when they are developing through these stages? In the first stage, while they are gestating their "life force", they need a welcoming picture that the world is good. When they are developing in the second stage, they need a picture that the world is beautiful, in order to develop the soul forces which will begin to blossom in the teen years. Finally, when they are developing the forces of independent thinking, they need a picture of truth held up before them, so they can develop thinking that is indeed, true. Having these ideals set before the developing child makes him or her stronger and more capable of meeting the challenges that come from a world that is less than ideal, just like taking in whole foods makes us stronger and more resilient to eating "junk" food once in a while.
This is a lot of information, I know and I suspect that you might find this thumbnail sketch a little unsatisfying, but this will be an ongoing conversation, I promise. Personally, as a teacher, a mother, and a lifelong learner, I have found this picture of child development to be the most instructive in knowing how to relate to children and especially how to determine what is the right thing to bring at the right time.
Finally, what does all of this have to do with self-care and motherhood? I will get there but first, a look at what is referred to as the pedagogical law. When children are developing physically in the first stage, they are "gestating" or building up their life force so they draw from the life force of the caregivers. Parents and caregivers of young children, no wonder you are so tired! When they are expressing their life force in the second stage, they are gestating their soul forces and so they draw from us emotionally. Ah! Then when they are expressing their souls and developing their thinking, they will draw from us intellectually! Ask any parent of a teenager, they will definitely discover any loopholes in your thinking, encouraging you to think things through carefully to set it right.
Yes, let's return to the first stage when the young child is drawing from our life force to develop their physical bodies and build up their own reserves. It is my intention that having a whole picture of the development of the child in mind is reassuring in the knowledge that this stage, too, shall pass. Beginning with this foundation, we will explore ways to bolster and sustain our life force so we have what we need for our young children and for ourselves.
Before we discuss the practical aspects of self care (next week), I'd like to explain the model of child development that Waldorf teachers work from. Having a sensible model for human development helps provides a foundation for decision-making and holding the big picture can relieve stress about the smaller decisions. Whereas young children learn by doing and imitation, the portal for adult learning is through the intellect. According to Benjamin Franklin, "all real learning involves a change of behavior", but a behavior change begins with thinking about things in a new way.
Children from birth to seven years of age are rapidly developing their physical bodies. Inner organs are not fully developed until children are three years old so there is much forming that happens outside the womb in those early years. Caring for the young child involves primarily care of the physical body: eating, bathing sleeping, staying warm, building the immune system (often through confronting illnesses), etc. Sensory information goes deeply into the young child (who has no intellectual filters) so carefully choosing the child'd sensory experiences is key.
From seven to fourteen years of age, children are developing their life force (to carry them through a lifetime of physical activity), and the beginning of this phase is marked by the change of teeth. At this point, the physical body has developed so that the child is ready to pursue academic tasks. In other words, the developmental forces that were working on the physical body are now free to work in the realm of learning concepts. This is often a difficult leap for parents in this society when children are encouraged to start academic work at earlier ages, but bear in mind that the children in Finland do not start first grade until seven years of age and they have the highest literacy rate in the world and scores on the European high school exams.
The third stage of development is indicated by the onset of puberty and has to do with the development of the emotional aspect or the soul of the human being. Although young children, of course, have feelings, they do not carry the same weight as the feelings of adolesence when they come from a more personal place rather the general and imitative place of the young child. The soul is a highly invividualized aspect of the human being.
Finally, the fourth seven year cycle is from 21 to 28 years of age, when the thinking of the human begins to blossom. It is a time of trying things out in the world, of taking risks, of learning about how to relate to the world as an independent human being. This is when thoughts come together about how to operate in the world and to move toward one's purpose and meaningful work in the world.
What do children need when they are developing through these stages? In the first stage, while they are gestating their "life force", they need a welcoming picture that the world is good. When they are developing in the second stage, they need a picture that the world is beautiful, in order to develop the soul forces which will begin to blossom in the teen years. Finally, when they are developing the forces of independent thinking, they need a picture of truth held up before them, so they can develop thinking that is indeed, true. Having these ideals set before the developing child makes him or her stronger and more capable of meeting the challenges that come from a world that is less than ideal, just like taking in whole foods makes us stronger and more resilient to eating "junk" food once in a while.
This is a lot of information, I know and I suspect that you might find this thumbnail sketch a little unsatisfying, but this will be an ongoing conversation, I promise. Personally, as a teacher, a mother, and a lifelong learner, I have found this picture of child development to be the most instructive in knowing how to relate to children and especially how to determine what is the right thing to bring at the right time.
Finally, what does all of this have to do with self-care and motherhood? I will get there but first, a look at what is referred to as the pedagogical law. When children are developing physically in the first stage, they are "gestating" or building up their life force so they draw from the life force of the caregivers. Parents and caregivers of young children, no wonder you are so tired! When they are expressing their life force in the second stage, they are gestating their soul forces and so they draw from us emotionally. Ah! Then when they are expressing their souls and developing their thinking, they will draw from us intellectually! Ask any parent of a teenager, they will definitely discover any loopholes in your thinking, encouraging you to think things through carefully to set it right.
Yes, let's return to the first stage when the young child is drawing from our life force to develop their physical bodies and build up their own reserves. It is my intention that having a whole picture of the development of the child in mind is reassuring in the knowledge that this stage, too, shall pass. Beginning with this foundation, we will explore ways to bolster and sustain our life force so we have what we need for our young children and for ourselves.
Monday, May 4, 2009
Reflections on Play
While thinking and writing about play, I feel I am in good company lately. The New York Times Magazine (May 3rd) featured an article called "Kindergarten Cram: Toss out the No. 2 pencils and let them Play". The buzz is coming from the Alliance for Childhood's March 2009 publication called "Crisis in the Kindergarten" which provides evidence of the disappearance of play from kindergartens and all the reasons why we should bring it back. Visit their website and read the 75 page report if you have the time and interest.
For children to experience the benefits of timelessness in the flow of healthy play, it requires a certain attitude and presence from the adults around them, usually an unobtrusive presence, one we might not be practiced in. Let's explore our personal relationship to play and stay open to what we may discover.
What is your most memorable moment of play from your early childhood?
Where were you (indoors or outdoors)?
Where were the adults (if you can remember)?
How much time does your child experience self-initiated play on a typical day?
What do you do while your child plays?
Can you hold yourself back from speaking (judging, interrupting, praising, etc.)?
What do you say when you do engage with your child?
Do you ask her to explain herself, to come out of the flow of play (breaking her focus) for your sake so you can understand or add your opinion?
Are you comfortable with the messiness and trial and error process of play or do you feel the need to guide it in a direction that has meaning for you?
Do you trust your child's innate wisdom, timetable, and the ability to work through life's events and challenges through play?
Is it possible for you to enjoy this phase of learning through imitation and developing imagination or are you looking forward to when the "real" learning will begin?
Is it your job to entertain your child or do you see it as a valid goal for your child to learn to occupy his or herself in play?
If you learned something new about play from reading the last two blogs, write it down or share it with someone to claim that learning. (Teaching is the best way to learn something). Feel free to pass this blog onto people in your contacts list and see if you can rediscover the spirit of play in your busy days, blurring the lines between work and play.
For children to experience the benefits of timelessness in the flow of healthy play, it requires a certain attitude and presence from the adults around them, usually an unobtrusive presence, one we might not be practiced in. Let's explore our personal relationship to play and stay open to what we may discover.
What is your most memorable moment of play from your early childhood?
Where were you (indoors or outdoors)?
Where were the adults (if you can remember)?
How much time does your child experience self-initiated play on a typical day?
What do you do while your child plays?
Can you hold yourself back from speaking (judging, interrupting, praising, etc.)?
What do you say when you do engage with your child?
Do you ask her to explain herself, to come out of the flow of play (breaking her focus) for your sake so you can understand or add your opinion?
Are you comfortable with the messiness and trial and error process of play or do you feel the need to guide it in a direction that has meaning for you?
Do you trust your child's innate wisdom, timetable, and the ability to work through life's events and challenges through play?
Is it possible for you to enjoy this phase of learning through imitation and developing imagination or are you looking forward to when the "real" learning will begin?
Is it your job to entertain your child or do you see it as a valid goal for your child to learn to occupy his or herself in play?
If you learned something new about play from reading the last two blogs, write it down or share it with someone to claim that learning. (Teaching is the best way to learn something). Feel free to pass this blog onto people in your contacts list and see if you can rediscover the spirit of play in your busy days, blurring the lines between work and play.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Fostering Learning through Play
I'd like to continue with some thoughts about the value of play and ways to foster healthy play. Have you ever noticed that when your child is really sick the playful glimmer in his/her eye disappears? When that glimmer returns, you know your child is recovering. Parents and health care professionals intuitively know this. There is a link between playfulness and health. Pediatricians recommend play because it supports physical, emotional, cognitive and social development. Play enlivens life!
There is also a link between creativity and playfulness on the one hand, and between aggression and a lack of playfulness on the other hand. There has been research conducted on the winners of the Mac Arthur award and it was discovered that they are overall curious, creative and they value play. It is a playful approach that allows the inner genius to be expressed and developed in each of us. Engineering firms have discovered that the best engineers are "tinkerers" or people who bring a spirit of playfulness to their work.
Research has also been done about people who commit murders, initiated when the student at Austin University went to the top of the tower and shot people below. Scientists were commissioned to study the shooter and since then more evidence has substantiated their claims. They have discovered that these murderers have two commonalities: one that they have a history of abuse and secondly they have an inability to play due to lack of experience in playing. Although they might have achieved things in their lives, they did not engage in lighthearted, self-directed play which is a healthy way to work through frustration and aggression. Play itself or a playful spirit is a stress-reducer, one without contra-indications.
While our old economy is changing, the emerging model of the 21st century is the "Economy of the Imagination". The problems we have presently require a new kind of thinking to resolve them, one that we possibly haven't even thought of yet. It's not enough to have knowledge, we also need to entertain possibilities and to imagine our way into the future. Businesses are reporting that new employees often lack the imagination and the social skills required to sit at a table with a group of people and work through a problem. These skills require active participation to learn; they cannot be learned passively through a didactic approach or by engaging with a screen.
Imagination is developed through play. It is a function of the right brain which experiences peak development from birth to seven years of age. Albert Einstein said that the best science is built on a foundation of wonder and imagination. It seems that we are more inclined these days to go straight to the science and miss out on building the foundation that makes great science possible.
There are ways to foster creativity and play, just as there are signs that the wellspring is clogged. Media has a clogging effect on children's healthy play, offering images that are hard to digest since they come from an adult's imagination rather than welling up from inside the child and then being acted out. The child trying to act out media images often says a lot, repeating certain phrases but takes little action. The images can get stuck in the child's head, unable to flow through to their limbs even though the child is innately programmed to imitate or act out what he or she has witnessed. The experience of television is so one-dimensional that can thwart healthy expression, promoting passivity and frustration.
Certain toys, usually the ones that have batteries, have the same effect as media. They can do everything without any input from the child, thus thrwarting the child's participation. These toys leave children with only one creative option, that is to break them. Children are often happier with open-ended toys like a cardboard box or a set of blocks so they can express their own creativity.
Another obstacle to children's healthy play is too much intellectual information which leads them to thinking rather than doing. Signs of a child being too much in their thinking is asking questions incessantly, having difficulty initiating and completing tasks or working through simple problems and then ultimately a low threshold of frustration. An adult can help a child develop imagination rather than premature intellectualization by the way we answer children's questions. For example, if a child asks why it is raining, the intellectual answer would be to talk about condensation, clouds, barometric pressure and the like. This answer is often unsatisfying for the young child, although it is appropriate later on. The answer that speaks to the young child's stage of development is more like: it is raining because the plants are thirsty. This makes the young child happy who then looks at the rain as a positive thing on behalf of the plants. This may lead to observation of the plants and how they open up after a spring rain and the sheer wonder of it all.
If a child is still unable to find his or her way to healthy play, there is something else the adults can do. When the adults engage in purposeful physical work (like domestic chores rather than computer work), children often become inspired in their play. They might work or play alongside us while we do dishes or sweep the floor or build a tower while we sew on buttons. It is however, not just a matter of what we are doing, but the inward attitude we carry while we are doing it as well. Children are mindreaders you know. If we are rushed or caught up in fears about a child getting hurt or making a mess, the child becomes inhibited in play. Our attitude needs to be one of timelessess(even while keeping the end point in mind), tolerance of some messiness, of trust in the child's capabilities and of joy so the child can go forward with confidence and learn from the trial and error process that is play.
The young child gains mastery over their world through play. They learn about the world and about themselves. For as a child plays, we see indications of what they are passionate about. You might try but you cannot put a child in a box unless it has their passion in it. But while a child is playing, you might see a glimpse of their future. That is something worth supporting by creating time and space for it.
There is also a link between creativity and playfulness on the one hand, and between aggression and a lack of playfulness on the other hand. There has been research conducted on the winners of the Mac Arthur award and it was discovered that they are overall curious, creative and they value play. It is a playful approach that allows the inner genius to be expressed and developed in each of us. Engineering firms have discovered that the best engineers are "tinkerers" or people who bring a spirit of playfulness to their work.
Research has also been done about people who commit murders, initiated when the student at Austin University went to the top of the tower and shot people below. Scientists were commissioned to study the shooter and since then more evidence has substantiated their claims. They have discovered that these murderers have two commonalities: one that they have a history of abuse and secondly they have an inability to play due to lack of experience in playing. Although they might have achieved things in their lives, they did not engage in lighthearted, self-directed play which is a healthy way to work through frustration and aggression. Play itself or a playful spirit is a stress-reducer, one without contra-indications.
While our old economy is changing, the emerging model of the 21st century is the "Economy of the Imagination". The problems we have presently require a new kind of thinking to resolve them, one that we possibly haven't even thought of yet. It's not enough to have knowledge, we also need to entertain possibilities and to imagine our way into the future. Businesses are reporting that new employees often lack the imagination and the social skills required to sit at a table with a group of people and work through a problem. These skills require active participation to learn; they cannot be learned passively through a didactic approach or by engaging with a screen.
Imagination is developed through play. It is a function of the right brain which experiences peak development from birth to seven years of age. Albert Einstein said that the best science is built on a foundation of wonder and imagination. It seems that we are more inclined these days to go straight to the science and miss out on building the foundation that makes great science possible.
There are ways to foster creativity and play, just as there are signs that the wellspring is clogged. Media has a clogging effect on children's healthy play, offering images that are hard to digest since they come from an adult's imagination rather than welling up from inside the child and then being acted out. The child trying to act out media images often says a lot, repeating certain phrases but takes little action. The images can get stuck in the child's head, unable to flow through to their limbs even though the child is innately programmed to imitate or act out what he or she has witnessed. The experience of television is so one-dimensional that can thwart healthy expression, promoting passivity and frustration.
Certain toys, usually the ones that have batteries, have the same effect as media. They can do everything without any input from the child, thus thrwarting the child's participation. These toys leave children with only one creative option, that is to break them. Children are often happier with open-ended toys like a cardboard box or a set of blocks so they can express their own creativity.
Another obstacle to children's healthy play is too much intellectual information which leads them to thinking rather than doing. Signs of a child being too much in their thinking is asking questions incessantly, having difficulty initiating and completing tasks or working through simple problems and then ultimately a low threshold of frustration. An adult can help a child develop imagination rather than premature intellectualization by the way we answer children's questions. For example, if a child asks why it is raining, the intellectual answer would be to talk about condensation, clouds, barometric pressure and the like. This answer is often unsatisfying for the young child, although it is appropriate later on. The answer that speaks to the young child's stage of development is more like: it is raining because the plants are thirsty. This makes the young child happy who then looks at the rain as a positive thing on behalf of the plants. This may lead to observation of the plants and how they open up after a spring rain and the sheer wonder of it all.
If a child is still unable to find his or her way to healthy play, there is something else the adults can do. When the adults engage in purposeful physical work (like domestic chores rather than computer work), children often become inspired in their play. They might work or play alongside us while we do dishes or sweep the floor or build a tower while we sew on buttons. It is however, not just a matter of what we are doing, but the inward attitude we carry while we are doing it as well. Children are mindreaders you know. If we are rushed or caught up in fears about a child getting hurt or making a mess, the child becomes inhibited in play. Our attitude needs to be one of timelessess(even while keeping the end point in mind), tolerance of some messiness, of trust in the child's capabilities and of joy so the child can go forward with confidence and learn from the trial and error process that is play.
The young child gains mastery over their world through play. They learn about the world and about themselves. For as a child plays, we see indications of what they are passionate about. You might try but you cannot put a child in a box unless it has their passion in it. But while a child is playing, you might see a glimpse of their future. That is something worth supporting by creating time and space for it.
Monday, April 20, 2009
A Child's Work is Play
I attended the Gateways Conference at the Toronto Waldorf School last weekend and am inspired to share insights about the importance of play. The keynote speaker was Joan Almon who is presently with the National Alliance for Childhood, working to bring play back to kindergartens in America. One of the interesting nuggets I took away from the conference is that at the same time we are increasing the stress in children's lives, we are taking away opportunities to play, which is children's innate means for working through stress. Children are wired to play for a reason.
As an adult, you might have observed that being able to take the time and space to do your work helps bring down your stress level and increase your sense of satisfaction. Well, play is the child's work. Studies have shown that when children are stressed (by hurrying to school, separaton anxiety or acclimating to a new sibling for example), stress hormones are found in the sweat on their palms. When allowed to play, the children's stress levels were reduced whereas the stress levels remained the same after an adult iniated activity of reading a book to them. Play is a healthy way for children to work through the stressful situations that are a part of life. It is their domain, one where they are able to make choices and to learn about themselves and about life.
Most parents agree that they want their children to be self-regulating. Recent research indicates that play is an excellent vehicle for learning self-regulation. In early childhood, didactic teaching is not the most effective model since young children learn by doing. Although we generally do not tax young children to make decisions about what to wear, what to eat or when to go to the Doctor or to bed, there is a time and place for children to make their own choices. In self-initiated play, children commonly conduct experiments like what happens when I turn a pot upside down and bang on it with a spoon? They might explore what happens when a box that is filled with something is turned upside down or shaken. Another common experiment is to discover how many blocks can be placed on top of one another before the tower tips over.
These are all valuable experiments involving learning basic scientific laws. In this way, children discover the effects of these laws and learn to work with them. Children, when given the time to play and discover their physical bodies in the process tend to become self-regulating, making good choices about what they feel are safe parameters for themselves. If a child gets hurt often, the way to learn how to get hurt less is by playing in a safe environment learning from trial and error and discovering his or her own ever-changing physical capabilities. Adults have a tendency to impose their own fears and limits on children, i.e. because I am afraid to climb on those bars, you cannot in spite of your own skill level and possible capability.
Parents often feel sorry about limiting children's choices by setting boundaries in the realm of eating, sleeping, dressing, etc. but then impose many restrictions in the realm of play because we can be uncomfortable with the messiness involved in these trial and error processes. It can be hard to watch. However, when children are restricted in the routine aspects of life as well as the domain of their work which is play, they often become frustrated and they might act out which often brings consequences like less playtime.
That's not to say that we should have no boundaries for a child's playtime. Children can be given a limited number of toys and told to play in an area in the house where there are few breakables and adults are comfortable with a certain degree of messiness or basic wear and tear. Simple rules like don't hurt yourself or anyone else can be emphasized. Then within those paramenters, gifting children with the time and space to play allows them to experience the timelessness necessary to conduct important life experiments, to integrate the results and then start new experiments. In this way, through their play, children learn to be self-regulating and find out where natural limits are in the world and in their own physicality.
This learning provides the wiring for frontal lobe development which is key to successful higher level decision-making. There is no better way for children to achieve this goal and they know how to do without us even teaching them. For more information about the benefits of play, you might pick up the new book by Stuart Brown called Play - How it Shapes the Brain, Opens the Imagination and Feeds the Soul.
As an adult, you might have observed that being able to take the time and space to do your work helps bring down your stress level and increase your sense of satisfaction. Well, play is the child's work. Studies have shown that when children are stressed (by hurrying to school, separaton anxiety or acclimating to a new sibling for example), stress hormones are found in the sweat on their palms. When allowed to play, the children's stress levels were reduced whereas the stress levels remained the same after an adult iniated activity of reading a book to them. Play is a healthy way for children to work through the stressful situations that are a part of life. It is their domain, one where they are able to make choices and to learn about themselves and about life.
Most parents agree that they want their children to be self-regulating. Recent research indicates that play is an excellent vehicle for learning self-regulation. In early childhood, didactic teaching is not the most effective model since young children learn by doing. Although we generally do not tax young children to make decisions about what to wear, what to eat or when to go to the Doctor or to bed, there is a time and place for children to make their own choices. In self-initiated play, children commonly conduct experiments like what happens when I turn a pot upside down and bang on it with a spoon? They might explore what happens when a box that is filled with something is turned upside down or shaken. Another common experiment is to discover how many blocks can be placed on top of one another before the tower tips over.
These are all valuable experiments involving learning basic scientific laws. In this way, children discover the effects of these laws and learn to work with them. Children, when given the time to play and discover their physical bodies in the process tend to become self-regulating, making good choices about what they feel are safe parameters for themselves. If a child gets hurt often, the way to learn how to get hurt less is by playing in a safe environment learning from trial and error and discovering his or her own ever-changing physical capabilities. Adults have a tendency to impose their own fears and limits on children, i.e. because I am afraid to climb on those bars, you cannot in spite of your own skill level and possible capability.
Parents often feel sorry about limiting children's choices by setting boundaries in the realm of eating, sleeping, dressing, etc. but then impose many restrictions in the realm of play because we can be uncomfortable with the messiness involved in these trial and error processes. It can be hard to watch. However, when children are restricted in the routine aspects of life as well as the domain of their work which is play, they often become frustrated and they might act out which often brings consequences like less playtime.
That's not to say that we should have no boundaries for a child's playtime. Children can be given a limited number of toys and told to play in an area in the house where there are few breakables and adults are comfortable with a certain degree of messiness or basic wear and tear. Simple rules like don't hurt yourself or anyone else can be emphasized. Then within those paramenters, gifting children with the time and space to play allows them to experience the timelessness necessary to conduct important life experiments, to integrate the results and then start new experiments. In this way, through their play, children learn to be self-regulating and find out where natural limits are in the world and in their own physicality.
This learning provides the wiring for frontal lobe development which is key to successful higher level decision-making. There is no better way for children to achieve this goal and they know how to do without us even teaching them. For more information about the benefits of play, you might pick up the new book by Stuart Brown called Play - How it Shapes the Brain, Opens the Imagination and Feeds the Soul.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Reflection Exercises for Storytelling
We've been exploring telling stories to young children. This is the third week on this topic; time to reflect on how it is going. It's a good idea when we are trying something new or tweeking the way we do something to take time and consider whether it is working for us. Teachers learn to plan what to teach, teach and then evaluate the teaching. Parents are engaged in educating children and this template of planning, doing and then evaluating is an important life skill besides being for teachers. Even if the reflections are done in ten minutes before going to sleep at night (which may be the only available time),it is a good practice to strive for.
Remember Rahima Baldwin's book (that I mentioned in the last blog)called You Are Your Child's First Teacher? It's a valuable resource book. When I met Rahima at an Early Childhood Conference last summer, I found out that she was opening a home child care program with her daughter last fall. I was glad to have the opportunity to talk with her about opening a child care business as well as about early childhood education overall.
Back to reflecting about storytelling (rather than a trip to New Hampshire and interesting conversations last summer), and seeking a balance between actions and their inward component, reflections.
Here are some questions to ponder.
What kind of stories do you remember hearing during your childhood? What memories do you have of listening to stories?
Have you tried making up stories for your child, stories from everyday life, stories from your childhood and stories about your child? They can be short - even a few sentences long.
Does this feel different than reading a story from a book?
Is it easier or harder than you expected?
What was your child's reaction?
Reflect on some of your discoveries and successes.
Loving human contact is important for a child's well-being. How is this a component of storytelling? (Although this may seem obvious, conscious awareness about why we are doing something can inspire us to keep it up).
Remember Rahima Baldwin's book (that I mentioned in the last blog)called You Are Your Child's First Teacher? It's a valuable resource book. When I met Rahima at an Early Childhood Conference last summer, I found out that she was opening a home child care program with her daughter last fall. I was glad to have the opportunity to talk with her about opening a child care business as well as about early childhood education overall.
Back to reflecting about storytelling (rather than a trip to New Hampshire and interesting conversations last summer), and seeking a balance between actions and their inward component, reflections.
Here are some questions to ponder.
What kind of stories do you remember hearing during your childhood? What memories do you have of listening to stories?
Have you tried making up stories for your child, stories from everyday life, stories from your childhood and stories about your child? They can be short - even a few sentences long.
Does this feel different than reading a story from a book?
Is it easier or harder than you expected?
What was your child's reaction?
Reflect on some of your discoveries and successes.
Loving human contact is important for a child's well-being. How is this a component of storytelling? (Although this may seem obvious, conscious awareness about why we are doing something can inspire us to keep it up).
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Becoming the Author of Your own Life
Why do we tell our stories? We tell them to claim our role as the author of our own lives. Author is the root word of "authority" which has all kinds of connotations that might be incompatible with the simple idea of authoring our own lives but that is what I am talking about here.
Empowering ourselves and others to gain authority in our lives is the intent of telling stories and it is also the intent of this blog. Whatever you discover here is meant to be something you can experiment with or try on for size. See if it suits you and if it does, use it but if it doesn't ring true for you, let it go. You might find that you revisit it at another time or it is something you grapple with ongoingly. But clearly, these entries are not meant to be mandates because that would not further the intent of increasing the authority in parents so they can consciously author their own lives and then pass on this authority to their children when the child is ready to receive it.
Let's talk a little bit more about stories for young children. When is your child old enough for stories? Obviously it takes a certain maturity of language development for a child to listen to a story as well as the ability to sit still for a period of time. Until that time, children are still totally immersed in experiencing the things themselves. Take your cues from your child, and start with very short stories about your child's life, about the day, about animals or even your own childhood experiences. Then you can gradually work toward longer ones with repetition (which makes them easier to remember for the storyteller and children delight in them), and then into simple fairy tales.
The beauty of telling stories rather than reading them is that you can watch your child's response to the words as you are saying them. It also allows the child to create his/her own pictures from the story rather than the ones offered by the book's illustrator. It's not necessary to exagerrate the emotional content of the story but rather to tell it in a straghtforward sort of way with pauses (sometimes while you are thinking of the next thing to say). Be sure that if you make up characters, you remember the names, ages and other characteristics you give them because your children definitely will.
Suggestions for Stories to tell Young Children
Before the age of 3
Nursery rhymes sung and told (the rhythmical quality suits the young child)
simple repetitive stories
finger plays
nature stories
Stories you make up
Stories about the immediate environment
Three Year Olds
Sweet Porridge (Grimm)
The Turnip (Russian)
The Bun (Russian)
The Old Woman and the Pig (Volland Classic)
The Cat and the Mouse (Volland Classic)
Little Red Hen (Volland Classic)
Little Tuppens (Volland Classic)
My Household (Grimm)
Goldilocks and the Three Bears
Billy Goats Gruff
To read more about storytelling with children, refer to Rahima Baldwin's book, You Are Your Child's First Teacher (a book one for every parents' shelf), pages 173 - 175"The Value of Telling Stories" in the section called "Nourishing Your Child's Imagination".
Empowering ourselves and others to gain authority in our lives is the intent of telling stories and it is also the intent of this blog. Whatever you discover here is meant to be something you can experiment with or try on for size. See if it suits you and if it does, use it but if it doesn't ring true for you, let it go. You might find that you revisit it at another time or it is something you grapple with ongoingly. But clearly, these entries are not meant to be mandates because that would not further the intent of increasing the authority in parents so they can consciously author their own lives and then pass on this authority to their children when the child is ready to receive it.
Let's talk a little bit more about stories for young children. When is your child old enough for stories? Obviously it takes a certain maturity of language development for a child to listen to a story as well as the ability to sit still for a period of time. Until that time, children are still totally immersed in experiencing the things themselves. Take your cues from your child, and start with very short stories about your child's life, about the day, about animals or even your own childhood experiences. Then you can gradually work toward longer ones with repetition (which makes them easier to remember for the storyteller and children delight in them), and then into simple fairy tales.
The beauty of telling stories rather than reading them is that you can watch your child's response to the words as you are saying them. It also allows the child to create his/her own pictures from the story rather than the ones offered by the book's illustrator. It's not necessary to exagerrate the emotional content of the story but rather to tell it in a straghtforward sort of way with pauses (sometimes while you are thinking of the next thing to say). Be sure that if you make up characters, you remember the names, ages and other characteristics you give them because your children definitely will.
Suggestions for Stories to tell Young Children
Before the age of 3
Nursery rhymes sung and told (the rhythmical quality suits the young child)
simple repetitive stories
finger plays
nature stories
Stories you make up
Stories about the immediate environment
Three Year Olds
Sweet Porridge (Grimm)
The Turnip (Russian)
The Bun (Russian)
The Old Woman and the Pig (Volland Classic)
The Cat and the Mouse (Volland Classic)
Little Red Hen (Volland Classic)
Little Tuppens (Volland Classic)
My Household (Grimm)
Goldilocks and the Three Bears
Billy Goats Gruff
To read more about storytelling with children, refer to Rahima Baldwin's book, You Are Your Child's First Teacher (a book one for every parents' shelf), pages 173 - 175"The Value of Telling Stories" in the section called "Nourishing Your Child's Imagination".
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Telling Stories to our Children
We've been working with singing and speech, let's consider now the art of telling stories. Children love them and we can all become storytellers for their sake, weaving in moral lessons we want to teach and connecting deeply with our children in the process. As with singing, we discover that we are all singers, we are also all storytellers even if we don't know it - yet.
Exerpt from "All About Kids" Magazine Feb. 1992
Don't Know and Pajamas
by Cathy Habes
After cookies, "Curious George" and kisses goodnight, I turn out the light. My four-year-old son says, "Tell us a story with no book." His two-year-old brother echoes the plea.
"Once upon a time," I begin, "there were two boys named Danny and Joey..." Then I pause.
When this ritual first began, I wondered what plot I could concoct from my sleepy brain that would possibly satisfy their hunger for stories. I found myself drawing heavily on plots in which they meet their favorite cartoon heroes and join forces with them in vanquishing the foes of Earth Itself.
"That was good." Danny would sigh afterward: but I was dissatisfied with my own junky thinking. Did an exciting story have to include fist fights and space ships?
As time passed, I polished my style a bit. Danny and Joey were written into the scripts of various gems of childhood literature that I knew by heart. Danny danced down the street with his friends in a rock'n roll version of rThe Pied Piper, encountered the Cat in the Hat. Each vied to be the brother who fell down the well in an adaptation of tTikki Tikki Tembo.
But I think I really hit on something when one night I simply repeated the details of the events of that day. Plain and simple, I told what happened from my point of view, and in the telling I found myself making Danny and Joey into the heroes of their own lives.
They demanded more such stories about "what we did today," delighted to hear about the adventures and successes of a routine trip to the playground. I dwelt lovingly on the details of each finger-painted picture done at the playtable and could repeat their friendly negotiations with playmates almost verbatim.
Nothing seemed to please them more than these intricate reaffirmations of their worth and progress. Then one night Danny asked me to tell him a story about something he desired - a pet, specifically a brown and white hamster named Pajamas. It was a touching request and a truly original one.
"What pet would you like in the story?" I asked Joey. "A Puppy?"
"An elephant!" shouted my two-year-old.
"What will his name be?"
"Don't know," Joey replied. So that night I told the first tale of Pajamas, the hamster and Don't Know the baby elephant.
The stories are still grounded in the day-to-day stuff of reality. Danny has played hide-and-seek with Pajamas, who hid in his shoe, under his bed, and behind his cereal bowl. Joey has taken Don't Know for a walk in the rain and had to clean the elephant's muddy feet with a broom and a bucket of water. We have speculated about what would happen if Pajamas and Don't Know went to the grocery store, the bowling alley, and kindergarten.
Mundane as they might sound, these stories are far more exciting, warm, and meaningful than the flat, relentlessly agressive tales I used to spin about Ninja Turtles. Now the boys often join in with their own ideas about the script. At the end of two short but thrilling tales, they are ready for sleep -- as long as I promise to tell more stories tomorrow.
It is delicious to feel my children grow and shine in the light of the stories of their lives. It is delicious, too, to experience my own stretching and growing. I had never dreamed I could craft an impromptu tale that would so delight a small audience. A bit of practice and experimentation was all it took to free the storyteller in me.
I don't think too much about my stories: I don't plan what I will say each night. I pause with my eyes closed in the dark room and wait to see what Pajamas and Don't Know are up to tonight. They have taken on a life of their own now, this odd couple invented by my children's hearts.
Exerpt from "All About Kids" Magazine Feb. 1992
Don't Know and Pajamas
by Cathy Habes
After cookies, "Curious George" and kisses goodnight, I turn out the light. My four-year-old son says, "Tell us a story with no book." His two-year-old brother echoes the plea.
"Once upon a time," I begin, "there were two boys named Danny and Joey..." Then I pause.
When this ritual first began, I wondered what plot I could concoct from my sleepy brain that would possibly satisfy their hunger for stories. I found myself drawing heavily on plots in which they meet their favorite cartoon heroes and join forces with them in vanquishing the foes of Earth Itself.
"That was good." Danny would sigh afterward: but I was dissatisfied with my own junky thinking. Did an exciting story have to include fist fights and space ships?
As time passed, I polished my style a bit. Danny and Joey were written into the scripts of various gems of childhood literature that I knew by heart. Danny danced down the street with his friends in a rock'n roll version of rThe Pied Piper, encountered the Cat in the Hat. Each vied to be the brother who fell down the well in an adaptation of tTikki Tikki Tembo.
But I think I really hit on something when one night I simply repeated the details of the events of that day. Plain and simple, I told what happened from my point of view, and in the telling I found myself making Danny and Joey into the heroes of their own lives.
They demanded more such stories about "what we did today," delighted to hear about the adventures and successes of a routine trip to the playground. I dwelt lovingly on the details of each finger-painted picture done at the playtable and could repeat their friendly negotiations with playmates almost verbatim.
Nothing seemed to please them more than these intricate reaffirmations of their worth and progress. Then one night Danny asked me to tell him a story about something he desired - a pet, specifically a brown and white hamster named Pajamas. It was a touching request and a truly original one.
"What pet would you like in the story?" I asked Joey. "A Puppy?"
"An elephant!" shouted my two-year-old.
"What will his name be?"
"Don't know," Joey replied. So that night I told the first tale of Pajamas, the hamster and Don't Know the baby elephant.
The stories are still grounded in the day-to-day stuff of reality. Danny has played hide-and-seek with Pajamas, who hid in his shoe, under his bed, and behind his cereal bowl. Joey has taken Don't Know for a walk in the rain and had to clean the elephant's muddy feet with a broom and a bucket of water. We have speculated about what would happen if Pajamas and Don't Know went to the grocery store, the bowling alley, and kindergarten.
Mundane as they might sound, these stories are far more exciting, warm, and meaningful than the flat, relentlessly agressive tales I used to spin about Ninja Turtles. Now the boys often join in with their own ideas about the script. At the end of two short but thrilling tales, they are ready for sleep -- as long as I promise to tell more stories tomorrow.
It is delicious to feel my children grow and shine in the light of the stories of their lives. It is delicious, too, to experience my own stretching and growing. I had never dreamed I could craft an impromptu tale that would so delight a small audience. A bit of practice and experimentation was all it took to free the storyteller in me.
I don't think too much about my stories: I don't plan what I will say each night. I pause with my eyes closed in the dark room and wait to see what Pajamas and Don't Know are up to tonight. They have taken on a life of their own now, this odd couple invented by my children's hearts.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Reflection Exercises for "Speaking with Young Children" series
The last two blogs have been about becoming conscious of how we speak to our children.
Everything matters in our communications: what we say, how we say it, even what we are feeling and thinking while we speak. Children pick up on all of it so they wake us up to the true quality of our communications.
Below are a few questions that will help you reflect on your speech. Remember to be honest but also compassionate toward yourself, since we are all learning as we go.
Pay attention to the quality of your speech. Is it clear and well-formed (i.e. consonants on the ends of words)? What is your tone of voice like?
Is your child often asked to leave the "here and now" to answer a question? (For example -- What did you do at school today? or What's that you are building?) Is he/she able to do this? What effect do such questions seem to have on him/her?
Try to answer some of your child's questions with imaginative, pictorial answers rather than rational, scientific answers. What is the reaction?
If you have been offering fewer choices, how is it going?
Do you feel comfortable taking charge and claiming your authority as a parent? What was your experience of parental authority as a child?
Do these articles raise any questions or comments you would like to discuss? If so, comment here or bring them to class. Sharing amongst peers is a great way to process information and support each other in making changes or validating what we already do. Parenting is a journey in consciousness, full of both joys and sorrows and it is humbling to realize we have so much to learn right alongside our children.
Everything matters in our communications: what we say, how we say it, even what we are feeling and thinking while we speak. Children pick up on all of it so they wake us up to the true quality of our communications.
Below are a few questions that will help you reflect on your speech. Remember to be honest but also compassionate toward yourself, since we are all learning as we go.
Pay attention to the quality of your speech. Is it clear and well-formed (i.e. consonants on the ends of words)? What is your tone of voice like?
Is your child often asked to leave the "here and now" to answer a question? (For example -- What did you do at school today? or What's that you are building?) Is he/she able to do this? What effect do such questions seem to have on him/her?
Try to answer some of your child's questions with imaginative, pictorial answers rather than rational, scientific answers. What is the reaction?
If you have been offering fewer choices, how is it going?
Do you feel comfortable taking charge and claiming your authority as a parent? What was your experience of parental authority as a child?
Do these articles raise any questions or comments you would like to discuss? If so, comment here or bring them to class. Sharing amongst peers is a great way to process information and support each other in making changes or validating what we already do. Parenting is a journey in consciousness, full of both joys and sorrows and it is humbling to realize we have so much to learn right alongside our children.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Making up your Mind to speak to your Children like Children
An excerpt from a "Waldorf Newsletter"
written by Lucas G. Hendrikson in 1991
"Talking to 'Tiny Adults'"
There is a story that may be familiar to you, it goes like this: a four year old and her mother were sitting in a fast food restaurant; the father had gone for the food. When he returned, he asked the little girl whether she wanted to eat there or go home. The girl was quietly confused. "Well", he said, "Which shall it be - home or here? Make up your mind." the girl, still in a state of confusion, burst into tears. "Well, we're going home if you act like that," said her father, and off they went.
Scenes like this occur quite often. Loving parents, not wanting to inflict their will and desires upon their children, allow a child to make many decisions so that he can be his own person. Chilren are treated as "tiny adults". The social upheavals of the 60's can be viewed as the children of this nation casting off the will and desires of their parents in order to become their own people. Now, those children are parents and want freedom for their children. But is this freedom healthy? Is the unlimited ability to choose what children really need in order to fulfill their potential and become truly free?
In the Waldorf movement, we often use the analogy of comparing a child to a flower. The child is a seed which contains everything needed to become a beautifully unique flower. Our job as parents is to give the child a healthy environment so that she may blossom. Neither should we expect the young child to produce life decisions. Those decisions are the job of the parent.
Statements from my six-year-old daughter: "I'm gonna wear my shorts!" - in the middle of winter. "I will not eat that!" just after I finished cooking breakfast. "I'm not going with you! - when we have only a few minutes to leave for an appointment. My job is to help her understand that on many things, the decision lies with me. She has no choice. I know that it will help her to make decisions later in her life if she sees a strong example now of decision making in action. This must be done in a confident manner, without long explanations. I notice that she is often testing how strong the decision I have made is, and, if my decision is strong and calm she will have confidence in me and will feel secure.
We are indeed helping our children toward freedom - but it's freedom at 21 not at 5. The ability to learn to make decisions and carrying responsibility is a gradual process. This child needs experience in making decisions and carrying responsibility, but too often we see the children running the family. The parents ask the child, "Do you want to stay in kindergarten, or come home with me?" "Do you want to go to bed, or not?" These are not really choices, and we do the child a disservice by making it seem otherwise. If the parent has worked out that it is time for kindergarten, or bed, then the decision is made.
The child under seven is in a dream consciousness. This is good and healthy, and we should nurture it. Every question asks the child to "wake up" in order to accomplish the thinking necessary to respond. This drains forces he would otherwise use to build up his physical body. If, while we were sleeping, someone woke us up - just a little - and then, when we went back to sleep, woke us again and again, in the morning we would be quite crabby. This is what we do to the child when we demand decisions of him, only this 'crabbiness" works into his very being.
The child needs to sleep, and only gradually wake up to the world around him. The adult needs to nurture and protect the child, making firm decisions and being calmly confident in them. This calls adults to order, demanding much more consciousness on their part. Do I need to ask the child this? Does the child really have a choice here? How can I accept the responsibility for making decisions and nurturing my child and allowing her to do her job of building her body and her imagination? If we can bring our consiousness to these questions, our children can dream as they need to, and we can live joyfully without the "crabby child".
Next week - questions for reflecting on how we speak with young children.
Bring comments about this article to parent-toddler class and we can discuss them briefly at snacktime, providing support for each other in this work of conscious parenting.
written by Lucas G. Hendrikson in 1991
"Talking to 'Tiny Adults'"
There is a story that may be familiar to you, it goes like this: a four year old and her mother were sitting in a fast food restaurant; the father had gone for the food. When he returned, he asked the little girl whether she wanted to eat there or go home. The girl was quietly confused. "Well", he said, "Which shall it be - home or here? Make up your mind." the girl, still in a state of confusion, burst into tears. "Well, we're going home if you act like that," said her father, and off they went.
Scenes like this occur quite often. Loving parents, not wanting to inflict their will and desires upon their children, allow a child to make many decisions so that he can be his own person. Chilren are treated as "tiny adults". The social upheavals of the 60's can be viewed as the children of this nation casting off the will and desires of their parents in order to become their own people. Now, those children are parents and want freedom for their children. But is this freedom healthy? Is the unlimited ability to choose what children really need in order to fulfill their potential and become truly free?
In the Waldorf movement, we often use the analogy of comparing a child to a flower. The child is a seed which contains everything needed to become a beautifully unique flower. Our job as parents is to give the child a healthy environment so that she may blossom. Neither should we expect the young child to produce life decisions. Those decisions are the job of the parent.
Statements from my six-year-old daughter: "I'm gonna wear my shorts!" - in the middle of winter. "I will not eat that!" just after I finished cooking breakfast. "I'm not going with you! - when we have only a few minutes to leave for an appointment. My job is to help her understand that on many things, the decision lies with me. She has no choice. I know that it will help her to make decisions later in her life if she sees a strong example now of decision making in action. This must be done in a confident manner, without long explanations. I notice that she is often testing how strong the decision I have made is, and, if my decision is strong and calm she will have confidence in me and will feel secure.
We are indeed helping our children toward freedom - but it's freedom at 21 not at 5. The ability to learn to make decisions and carrying responsibility is a gradual process. This child needs experience in making decisions and carrying responsibility, but too often we see the children running the family. The parents ask the child, "Do you want to stay in kindergarten, or come home with me?" "Do you want to go to bed, or not?" These are not really choices, and we do the child a disservice by making it seem otherwise. If the parent has worked out that it is time for kindergarten, or bed, then the decision is made.
The child under seven is in a dream consciousness. This is good and healthy, and we should nurture it. Every question asks the child to "wake up" in order to accomplish the thinking necessary to respond. This drains forces he would otherwise use to build up his physical body. If, while we were sleeping, someone woke us up - just a little - and then, when we went back to sleep, woke us again and again, in the morning we would be quite crabby. This is what we do to the child when we demand decisions of him, only this 'crabbiness" works into his very being.
The child needs to sleep, and only gradually wake up to the world around him. The adult needs to nurture and protect the child, making firm decisions and being calmly confident in them. This calls adults to order, demanding much more consciousness on their part. Do I need to ask the child this? Does the child really have a choice here? How can I accept the responsibility for making decisions and nurturing my child and allowing her to do her job of building her body and her imagination? If we can bring our consiousness to these questions, our children can dream as they need to, and we can live joyfully without the "crabby child".
Next week - questions for reflecting on how we speak with young children.
Bring comments about this article to parent-toddler class and we can discuss them briefly at snacktime, providing support for each other in this work of conscious parenting.
Monday, February 23, 2009
How we Speak to our Children
We have been considering the role of singing in parenting, how about speech? One could get through the day without singing but not without speaking, yet how carefully do we consider what we say? When I was student teaching, one of our supervisors used to count how many times we sad "um" or "you know" to help us become aware of our habits in speaking. It was the first step toward consciously choosing our words and becoming more effective communicators.
One of the popular habits I've observed is the use of "ok" in communicating with children. I would suggest, just like the examples above, it is unconscious, but let's consider the effect it has on our communication with our children.
Below is an article from MOTHERING Magazine about a mother's awakening to the impact of ok in relating to her children. It's both honest and to the point.
Parenting by Permission
by Sandra Eble
As I settled in for a picnic lunch with my children in the middle of what promised to be a long, hot summer day, I noticed another family claiming the shade of the tree next to ours. Three boys, about ten, six, and three, clamored for bagels. My interest was piqued when the boys begged for a yogurt. In a voice that commanded attention, the mother stated. "There is only one yogurt and two spoons. There are three of you. This is to be shared fairly. Any pigs will lose their turns." She then laid down and closed her eyes, while I waited for World War III to commence.
To my disbelief, the two oldest took the spoons and passed the yogurt: one bite for each of them and two bites for the youngest. No one screamed that the baby was getting a double helping. They enjoyed that yogurt to the hilt, scraping out the cup with gusto. Meanwhile, my children were still bickering about the choices I had offered. What secret did the mother possess to instill that kind of cooperation? Could I go over and beg for an hour-long parenting class?
On the drive home, I reviewed how I might have handled the same situation. The biggest diffence I could find was in the mother's approach. She laid out a plan and the consequuences and then stepped out of the picture. Her plan had not been detailed but rather descriptive of the facts and her expectations.
What would I have done? First, I would have apologized for only having one yogurt, then I would have begged for approval. "Is that OK?" I would have asked. This mother had not even explained why there was only one yogurt. I would have repeatedly looked for assurance that I was still a wonderful mother, even if inept at providing for them. Then I would have apologized for only having two spoons, again repeating, "Is that OK?" Was this how my communication was breaking down?
Over the next few days, I studied my efforts. Time to clean up. OK? When I asked if it was OK, dissent followed.
I turned my attention to dropping the OK after suggestions or commands, deciding that parenting is not often a democracy. When it's time to go to Shop-Rite, it is my timetable and not a group decision-making process. If a timetable can be altered to fit others' needs, then that can come up in the form of a discussion. "Cleanup needs to happen before dinner. Do you want to do it now or in 15 minutes?" If my statement is "Time to clean up, OK?" then to be sure it is not OK.
I had been operating under the illusion that if I was understanding and explained my reasoning then my children would smile and cooperate. In truth, explanations rarely worked. Now I was facing the fact that my parenting style was not very effective.
All this reflection dredged up a long-forgotten memory. When my oldest, M'Liss, had been an angel infant and I was still encased in the myth that breastfeeding was the answer to all mothering problems, a neighbor who was trapped in open warfare with his 12-year-old daughter laid out the maxim that "children are not reasonable." I was sure then that proper parenting, understanding, and patience would create "reasonable" children. Now after 17 years in the trenches with six children I believe that he was right. There are moments when no amount of explanation or patience will sway a revved-up three-year-old.
My life took on a new dimnesion when I removed "OK" from my vocabulary. I can now sail through Shop-Rite with my four-year-old. I have left behind the days of "Let's pick up Cheerios, OK?" and the whine that follows. Such a little word, yet the power it wields in a parent/child relationship can be tremendous.
One of the popular habits I've observed is the use of "ok" in communicating with children. I would suggest, just like the examples above, it is unconscious, but let's consider the effect it has on our communication with our children.
Below is an article from MOTHERING Magazine about a mother's awakening to the impact of ok in relating to her children. It's both honest and to the point.
Parenting by Permission
by Sandra Eble
As I settled in for a picnic lunch with my children in the middle of what promised to be a long, hot summer day, I noticed another family claiming the shade of the tree next to ours. Three boys, about ten, six, and three, clamored for bagels. My interest was piqued when the boys begged for a yogurt. In a voice that commanded attention, the mother stated. "There is only one yogurt and two spoons. There are three of you. This is to be shared fairly. Any pigs will lose their turns." She then laid down and closed her eyes, while I waited for World War III to commence.
To my disbelief, the two oldest took the spoons and passed the yogurt: one bite for each of them and two bites for the youngest. No one screamed that the baby was getting a double helping. They enjoyed that yogurt to the hilt, scraping out the cup with gusto. Meanwhile, my children were still bickering about the choices I had offered. What secret did the mother possess to instill that kind of cooperation? Could I go over and beg for an hour-long parenting class?
On the drive home, I reviewed how I might have handled the same situation. The biggest diffence I could find was in the mother's approach. She laid out a plan and the consequuences and then stepped out of the picture. Her plan had not been detailed but rather descriptive of the facts and her expectations.
What would I have done? First, I would have apologized for only having one yogurt, then I would have begged for approval. "Is that OK?" I would have asked. This mother had not even explained why there was only one yogurt. I would have repeatedly looked for assurance that I was still a wonderful mother, even if inept at providing for them. Then I would have apologized for only having two spoons, again repeating, "Is that OK?" Was this how my communication was breaking down?
Over the next few days, I studied my efforts. Time to clean up. OK? When I asked if it was OK, dissent followed.
I turned my attention to dropping the OK after suggestions or commands, deciding that parenting is not often a democracy. When it's time to go to Shop-Rite, it is my timetable and not a group decision-making process. If a timetable can be altered to fit others' needs, then that can come up in the form of a discussion. "Cleanup needs to happen before dinner. Do you want to do it now or in 15 minutes?" If my statement is "Time to clean up, OK?" then to be sure it is not OK.
I had been operating under the illusion that if I was understanding and explained my reasoning then my children would smile and cooperate. In truth, explanations rarely worked. Now I was facing the fact that my parenting style was not very effective.
All this reflection dredged up a long-forgotten memory. When my oldest, M'Liss, had been an angel infant and I was still encased in the myth that breastfeeding was the answer to all mothering problems, a neighbor who was trapped in open warfare with his 12-year-old daughter laid out the maxim that "children are not reasonable." I was sure then that proper parenting, understanding, and patience would create "reasonable" children. Now after 17 years in the trenches with six children I believe that he was right. There are moments when no amount of explanation or patience will sway a revved-up three-year-old.
My life took on a new dimnesion when I removed "OK" from my vocabulary. I can now sail through Shop-Rite with my four-year-old. I have left behind the days of "Let's pick up Cheerios, OK?" and the whine that follows. Such a little word, yet the power it wields in a parent/child relationship can be tremendous.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Reflections on Singing
When I visited my 95-year-old father-in-law in Germany last fall, he enjoyed being with people reminiscing but never seemed more vital than when we were all singing his old favorite songs. There is a song about the power of music that you might know:
All things must perish from under the sky.
Music alone shall live, music alone shall live, music alone shall live,
Never to die.
In these days of technology, we can all have access to any song sung by a perfectly-pitched voice at the push of a button. They are, however, the voices of strangers and young children who are not yet critical are hungry for authenticity, even in its imperfection.
Recall an early childhood memory that involved singing. Can you remember the mood that was created?
Regardless of comments about your voice over the years, do you sing? How often? Does singing bring you joy?
When you take a car trip, it's a great time to sing with your family. Could you find a song book or compile your own for the adults and older children to bring on your trips? It's a fun way to pass the time together.
Another time besides travelling when people traditionally have sung is when working. Do you know any "work" songs? How about "I've been working on the railroad."?
Do you think that there is a basic repetoire of songs that everyone needs to know? If so, make a list and start singing them with your children so they will can learn them, too.
All things must perish from under the sky.
Music alone shall live, music alone shall live, music alone shall live,
Never to die.
In these days of technology, we can all have access to any song sung by a perfectly-pitched voice at the push of a button. They are, however, the voices of strangers and young children who are not yet critical are hungry for authenticity, even in its imperfection.
Recall an early childhood memory that involved singing. Can you remember the mood that was created?
Regardless of comments about your voice over the years, do you sing? How often? Does singing bring you joy?
When you take a car trip, it's a great time to sing with your family. Could you find a song book or compile your own for the adults and older children to bring on your trips? It's a fun way to pass the time together.
Another time besides travelling when people traditionally have sung is when working. Do you know any "work" songs? How about "I've been working on the railroad."?
Do you think that there is a basic repetoire of songs that everyone needs to know? If so, make a list and start singing them with your children so they will can learn them, too.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
singing with children
Parents have been asking for the words to the songs we sing in the parent-toddler program so I thought I would share some songs and also something about singing.
My singing teacher, Mary Schunemann, has compiled several lovely song books that come with CD's so you can learn them directly from Mary who has an angelic singing voice. Mary has since deceased but her company, "Naturally You can Sing" and her songs live on.
In Mary's book, "Lavender Blue Dilly Dilly", she writes about why we whould sing.
"Singing can change the world; for when we sing, we change ourselves. We, the citizens of the world, are in great need of joy and peace, clamness and exuberance. When we sing we can create all of these moods, and thereby shift and balance our breathing and blood circulation. Through singing we can create a sense of health and well being, which leads to a calming of the brain waves, a vitalizing of our organs, and the enlivnening of our endocrine system. In addition to these healthy-giving benefits for oneself and the whole community, it is just plain fun! Let us bring our singing culture alive again and give our children this tremendous gift of health and joy for life!"
Some circle songs:
Oh great spirit, earth, wind, sky and sea
You are inside and all around me.
Good morning dear earth,
Good morning dear sun,
Good morning dear stones and flowers every one.
Good morning dear animals and birds in the tree.
Good morning to you, good morning to me.
King Winter now is in the land, he reigns with cold and freezing hand.
He makes Jack Frost touch nose and toes and brings us white and shining snow.
All shall be well, all shall be well.
All manner of things shall be well.
My singing teacher, Mary Schunemann, has compiled several lovely song books that come with CD's so you can learn them directly from Mary who has an angelic singing voice. Mary has since deceased but her company, "Naturally You can Sing" and her songs live on.
In Mary's book, "Lavender Blue Dilly Dilly", she writes about why we whould sing.
"Singing can change the world; for when we sing, we change ourselves. We, the citizens of the world, are in great need of joy and peace, clamness and exuberance. When we sing we can create all of these moods, and thereby shift and balance our breathing and blood circulation. Through singing we can create a sense of health and well being, which leads to a calming of the brain waves, a vitalizing of our organs, and the enlivnening of our endocrine system. In addition to these healthy-giving benefits for oneself and the whole community, it is just plain fun! Let us bring our singing culture alive again and give our children this tremendous gift of health and joy for life!"
Some circle songs:
Oh great spirit, earth, wind, sky and sea
You are inside and all around me.
Good morning dear earth,
Good morning dear sun,
Good morning dear stones and flowers every one.
Good morning dear animals and birds in the tree.
Good morning to you, good morning to me.
King Winter now is in the land, he reigns with cold and freezing hand.
He makes Jack Frost touch nose and toes and brings us white and shining snow.
All shall be well, all shall be well.
All manner of things shall be well.
Monday, December 8, 2008
Fall Projects
We have enjoyed our simple crafts this fall and the results have been quite beautiful. Since starting in September, we have sewn simple wool-stuffed gnomes using recycled felted sweaters, created leaf banners found in Carol Petrash's book Earthways), and made Martinmas lanterns.
In November, to preserve the last of the sun's rays while the days grow shorter, we dyed silk a golden shade. The silks can be worn as a scarf, used on the nature table or as a runner on a dining table.
We dyted the silk with onion skins which are best found at a grocery store where they happily give them away since they are usually discarded when the produce area is cleaned. It takes a lot of onion skins to make a pot of dye and so it's hard to save up enough on your own, but everyone's contribution of onion skins went into our dying pot.
Before dying the silks, we "mordanted" them by putting them in a large pot of water with 4 oz. of alum (available at the grocery story in the spice section) and an ounce of cream of tartar (also available in the grocery store spices). We brought the water to a boil and then simmered the silks in the pot for about an hour. Then the silks were hung to dry so they would be ready for the next step. (Some directions say to rinse the silks before drying (and before dying) but I didn't although I am curious to try it again and with rinsing after mordanting).
We wrapped onion skins in a cheescloth about the size of a volleyball and then put the ball of skins in a pot of plain water (having discarded the mordanting water)and let them simmer for as long as it took to achieve the golden shade we were looking for (between 20 minutes about 50 minutes). When you stir the dye, the color will be more even, but if you want a variegated effect, you can tie the silk before dying or let it fold onto itself in the pot.
After you remove your silk from the pot, rinse it in cool water, let it dry and then iron it to set the color and reveal its beauty.
It's amazing to see the golden sunshine color that emerges from onions grown that grew underground. I imagine that the earth has been inhaling the sunshine all summer long and is storing it now during these dark days. As we celebrate the winter festivals, it's interesting to ponder that the greatest light is born at the time of the deepest darkness.
Now we are making pomanders in class and they are clove-covered oranges, so easy to see as spicy sunglobes that we use to decorate our house during the darkest month of the year. This craft can also be found in the Earthways book by Carol Petrash.
Enjoy these beautiful days and the anticipation of the return of the light!
In November, to preserve the last of the sun's rays while the days grow shorter, we dyed silk a golden shade. The silks can be worn as a scarf, used on the nature table or as a runner on a dining table.
We dyted the silk with onion skins which are best found at a grocery store where they happily give them away since they are usually discarded when the produce area is cleaned. It takes a lot of onion skins to make a pot of dye and so it's hard to save up enough on your own, but everyone's contribution of onion skins went into our dying pot.
Before dying the silks, we "mordanted" them by putting them in a large pot of water with 4 oz. of alum (available at the grocery story in the spice section) and an ounce of cream of tartar (also available in the grocery store spices). We brought the water to a boil and then simmered the silks in the pot for about an hour. Then the silks were hung to dry so they would be ready for the next step. (Some directions say to rinse the silks before drying (and before dying) but I didn't although I am curious to try it again and with rinsing after mordanting).
We wrapped onion skins in a cheescloth about the size of a volleyball and then put the ball of skins in a pot of plain water (having discarded the mordanting water)and let them simmer for as long as it took to achieve the golden shade we were looking for (between 20 minutes about 50 minutes). When you stir the dye, the color will be more even, but if you want a variegated effect, you can tie the silk before dying or let it fold onto itself in the pot.
After you remove your silk from the pot, rinse it in cool water, let it dry and then iron it to set the color and reveal its beauty.
It's amazing to see the golden sunshine color that emerges from onions grown that grew underground. I imagine that the earth has been inhaling the sunshine all summer long and is storing it now during these dark days. As we celebrate the winter festivals, it's interesting to ponder that the greatest light is born at the time of the deepest darkness.
Now we are making pomanders in class and they are clove-covered oranges, so easy to see as spicy sunglobes that we use to decorate our house during the darkest month of the year. This craft can also be found in the Earthways book by Carol Petrash.
Enjoy these beautiful days and the anticipation of the return of the light!
Monday, November 10, 2008
The Lantern Walk
Last week was a spectacular one overall. Indian summer temperatures, golden leaves and blue, blue, blue skies. On Thursday, after our parent-toddler class closed outside in the gazebo, a parent looked up and commented on the beauty of the golden leaves against the blue sky. To take it in better, she reclined in a pile of leaves, her son next to her. Before I knew it, there were six of us lying in the leaves gazing at the autumn sky.
Later that evening we gathered at 6:00 p.m. for the Martinmas festival. We lit the candles in our lanterns, practiced our songs and then processed onto the land behind the church where we could notice the effect of our lanterns on the dark night. We then gathered in a circle in the gazebo so we could see and even better, hear each other singing: "I go with my little lantern", "The sunlight fast is dwindling", "Glimmer, lantern, glimmer" and "Lanterne, lanterne". In the middle of the gazebo was a log with a carved pumpkin and a few other votive lights to create a center piece of light, but what shone the most (for me) were the faces around the circle.
When we went inside, we had snacks of pumpkin cookies and cider with the children seated at the table. Then we heard the story of "Where No Light Shines" and sang a little more before leaving. Someone did a headcount and stopped when she reached sixty. It felt full, festive and peaceful.
Now that we have kindled the sparks in our hearts and in our community, we are ready to face the short days and long evenings that are ahead leading up to the solstice. Although the little ones do not know the significance of the festivals, it becomes a part of them and a happy memory from their childhood. The more warm and happy memories we can store up in childhood, the more we can impart the same for others when we are adults.
Where No Light Shines
Once upon a time there was a man, a very bad man. He was lazy, miserable, he used ugly language, he was unkind even to his wife and children, he was cross, in fact he was very, very bad.
Now one day St. Michael decided that something must really be done about all this, so he called one of his angels to him and said "Dear Angel, there is a bad man down on the earth. Will you go and live in his house for one year and try and make him better? You must leave your wings behind, but there is alittle red cap and as long as you have this, you will be able to come back to heaven. Do not take it off, and do not lose it."
So the angel, whose name was Christina, took off her wings and put on the little red cap and went down to earth. When she reached the man's house, she knocked on the door. The man's wife came to see who was there. Said Christina: "Good woman, will hyou take me as your serving maid? I do not want any money, only give me some food and a corner to sleep in, and I will serve you well for a year." "This is alright," thought the man's wife: so she bad Christina come in and, fastening a big apron over her white garment, she set her to work.
It was marvellous to see the change that was wrought in that house in less than no time. When the man came home from his work, everythihng was in such good order and such a fine meal awaited him that there was nothing to scold and grumbled about. When he used ugly words, Christina sang with such a sweet and gentle voice that he was put to shame. In short, her beauty and goodness, her kind and gentl deeds, soon blew all his ugliness away.
Well, presently, the devil began to notice this state of affairs. He was accustomed to a very plentiful harvest of bad and ugly deeds from the man's house, and when these stopped coming down he decided to look into the matter.
"So - ho," said he, "St. Michael has sent one of his angels! Well, I will send one of my devils, and we will see what we will see."
So he sent up one of his devils to the man's house and the first thing the little devil did was to put his foot into a baseket of eggs and smash them, so that they ran all over the floor. But Chrstina simply cleaned up the mess with never a cross word. Then the devil set to work to upset more things and to cause as much confusion and disturbance as he could. He teaed the children and made them cry: he started quarrels and fights among the. But, whatever he did, Christina set it to rights again with such patience and sweetness that the devil at last grew tired of his work and fell to watching Christina. She was so beautiful, and everything around her was so beautiful, that he began to dislike the idea of leaving all this and returning to the darkness and ugliness of his own world.
At last Christina's year was up. Said she: "Now I am going back to heaven. Goodbye little devil!" "Goodbye," said he forlornly, "I wish I were going with you."
Christina started off but she had not taken many steps when the spirit of mercy touched her, and made her return. "I am sorry for you, devil," said she, "here, take my little cap and go to heaven instead of me." And she took the little red cap off her own golden head, and placed it on the devil's black one. No sooner was it there than the devil began to chane. The horrid black hair that covered him fell off and a heart began to beat in his breast - for you must know, children, devils do not have a heart."
He looked at Christina standing there, so good and so beautiful. Then he took the red cap off his head: "Where you are, Christina, there is heaven. I will stay with you."
So they both stayed on earth, helping other people so that one day all might make heaven on earth together. And St. Michael looked down from heaven and was very, very happy.
- K. Schubert (slightly adapted)
Later that evening we gathered at 6:00 p.m. for the Martinmas festival. We lit the candles in our lanterns, practiced our songs and then processed onto the land behind the church where we could notice the effect of our lanterns on the dark night. We then gathered in a circle in the gazebo so we could see and even better, hear each other singing: "I go with my little lantern", "The sunlight fast is dwindling", "Glimmer, lantern, glimmer" and "Lanterne, lanterne". In the middle of the gazebo was a log with a carved pumpkin and a few other votive lights to create a center piece of light, but what shone the most (for me) were the faces around the circle.
When we went inside, we had snacks of pumpkin cookies and cider with the children seated at the table. Then we heard the story of "Where No Light Shines" and sang a little more before leaving. Someone did a headcount and stopped when she reached sixty. It felt full, festive and peaceful.
Now that we have kindled the sparks in our hearts and in our community, we are ready to face the short days and long evenings that are ahead leading up to the solstice. Although the little ones do not know the significance of the festivals, it becomes a part of them and a happy memory from their childhood. The more warm and happy memories we can store up in childhood, the more we can impart the same for others when we are adults.
Where No Light Shines
Once upon a time there was a man, a very bad man. He was lazy, miserable, he used ugly language, he was unkind even to his wife and children, he was cross, in fact he was very, very bad.
Now one day St. Michael decided that something must really be done about all this, so he called one of his angels to him and said "Dear Angel, there is a bad man down on the earth. Will you go and live in his house for one year and try and make him better? You must leave your wings behind, but there is alittle red cap and as long as you have this, you will be able to come back to heaven. Do not take it off, and do not lose it."
So the angel, whose name was Christina, took off her wings and put on the little red cap and went down to earth. When she reached the man's house, she knocked on the door. The man's wife came to see who was there. Said Christina: "Good woman, will hyou take me as your serving maid? I do not want any money, only give me some food and a corner to sleep in, and I will serve you well for a year." "This is alright," thought the man's wife: so she bad Christina come in and, fastening a big apron over her white garment, she set her to work.
It was marvellous to see the change that was wrought in that house in less than no time. When the man came home from his work, everythihng was in such good order and such a fine meal awaited him that there was nothing to scold and grumbled about. When he used ugly words, Christina sang with such a sweet and gentle voice that he was put to shame. In short, her beauty and goodness, her kind and gentl deeds, soon blew all his ugliness away.
Well, presently, the devil began to notice this state of affairs. He was accustomed to a very plentiful harvest of bad and ugly deeds from the man's house, and when these stopped coming down he decided to look into the matter.
"So - ho," said he, "St. Michael has sent one of his angels! Well, I will send one of my devils, and we will see what we will see."
So he sent up one of his devils to the man's house and the first thing the little devil did was to put his foot into a baseket of eggs and smash them, so that they ran all over the floor. But Chrstina simply cleaned up the mess with never a cross word. Then the devil set to work to upset more things and to cause as much confusion and disturbance as he could. He teaed the children and made them cry: he started quarrels and fights among the. But, whatever he did, Christina set it to rights again with such patience and sweetness that the devil at last grew tired of his work and fell to watching Christina. She was so beautiful, and everything around her was so beautiful, that he began to dislike the idea of leaving all this and returning to the darkness and ugliness of his own world.
At last Christina's year was up. Said she: "Now I am going back to heaven. Goodbye little devil!" "Goodbye," said he forlornly, "I wish I were going with you."
Christina started off but she had not taken many steps when the spirit of mercy touched her, and made her return. "I am sorry for you, devil," said she, "here, take my little cap and go to heaven instead of me." And she took the little red cap off her own golden head, and placed it on the devil's black one. No sooner was it there than the devil began to chane. The horrid black hair that covered him fell off and a heart began to beat in his breast - for you must know, children, devils do not have a heart."
He looked at Christina standing there, so good and so beautiful. Then he took the red cap off his head: "Where you are, Christina, there is heaven. I will stay with you."
So they both stayed on earth, helping other people so that one day all might make heaven on earth together. And St. Michael looked down from heaven and was very, very happy.
- K. Schubert (slightly adapted)
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Michaelmas time
Since our Michaelmas festival at the end of September, autumn has come bringing shorter days, falling leaves in shades of red, yellow and brown, winds and chilly air and pumpkins everywhere. When we celebrated Michaelmas, we rekindled our inner lights and now with pumpkins and Martinmas lanterns, we are making a home for that little spark of light. It's a home that we will take into the dark and no matter how small our light is, it will vanquish the dark all around it.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Reflections on the first weeks of school
All four groups have started meeting, with over thirty families coming to our parent-toddler programs. So far, we have been drying apples, stitching gnomes, meeting new and old friends, and adjusting to our rhythm together.
One of the songs we have been singing is:
"It's golden in the treetops, it's golden in the sky,
it's golden, golden, golden September passing by."
Seeing so many shining faces around our snack table is indeed a golden moment and I want to savor each one so while they pass, they leave an imprint that will provide soul warmth in the coming months.
One of the songs we have been singing is:
"It's golden in the treetops, it's golden in the sky,
it's golden, golden, golden September passing by."
Seeing so many shining faces around our snack table is indeed a golden moment and I want to savor each one so while they pass, they leave an imprint that will provide soul warmth in the coming months.
Monday, September 15, 2008
What happens in parent-toddler groups?
We have had our first week of school and it was wonderful! I am so happy to have seen old friends and met many new ones. The wonder of child development is so apparent after not seeing children for a few months. I am always interested in the questions and comments that come up in parents when they encounter this education. I have been involved in Waldorf education for many years and I understand the need to ask questions because I have had many. Often the journey to finding the answers to my questions brought me to new questions but it is the questions that defined my path and therefore, the information I found along the way.
Why do we use glass cups with such young children? All the choices we make are carefully considered, so you can trust there is a reason. We chose glass because we wanted a natural material that is also affordable (if I could find a good deal on those ceramic-lined metal cups often used for camping, I'd buy them). Natural materials change. A plastic flower never decays and a plastic cup never breaks. The benefit of using a glass cup instead of plastic outweighs the risk associated with breaking glass. In about 40 weeks of parent-toddler programs, we have broken three cups. When glass breaks, there is a good lesson there for children as well. The adults calmly clean it up. At all times while children are handling glass, adults are near by. No child has ever been hurt by broken glass!
Therefore, we have decided that the benefits of trusting the child to hold a beautiful glass cup elevates the experience of snack and they deserve it. It is not just an ordinary snack, it is a school snack when we are gathered with our friends. The children (unconsciously, of course) appreciate the festive mood and quite quickly learn to meet the challenge of holding a glass cup. Besides, how else could they see the beautiful red liquid? We eat with our eyes, my husband always says. Especially for the young child, we consider the full sensory experience of everything we do. Imagine for a moment the tactile experience of holding a plastic cup versus a glass one. Then add the other senses and consider that children soak in their environment deeply and it actually becomes a part of them, then choose which experience you would want for your child.
Next, I will respond to a comment about how calm and centered a parent felt all day after the parent-toddler program. She wondered how that could be since she felt we had not done anything. First of all, to gather eight families with babies, toddlers and some preschoolers together to play, socialize, make a snack, clean the room, have integrative movement, share a snack, clean dishes, hear a puppet play and then go outside joyfully and peacefully all within two hours time is doing something!
I am guessing that the parent's comment has to do with cognitive activity. We were not busy thinking about what to do when, the program is planned out for us so that we can honor the children by being in the present moment with them, breathing in and out from group activities to more individual ones, from active to more restful moments. When we participate in the parent-toddler programs, we enter the world of the young child. It is a world of safety, innocence, warmth, timelessness and goodness. Think back on your own childhood and those years from birth to seven. There is a universal quality of early childhood that has not changed (although the rest of the world has) and we strive to provide an environment that respects the needs of the young child...and in that environment, adults receive benefits, too.
Why do we use glass cups with such young children? All the choices we make are carefully considered, so you can trust there is a reason. We chose glass because we wanted a natural material that is also affordable (if I could find a good deal on those ceramic-lined metal cups often used for camping, I'd buy them). Natural materials change. A plastic flower never decays and a plastic cup never breaks. The benefit of using a glass cup instead of plastic outweighs the risk associated with breaking glass. In about 40 weeks of parent-toddler programs, we have broken three cups. When glass breaks, there is a good lesson there for children as well. The adults calmly clean it up. At all times while children are handling glass, adults are near by. No child has ever been hurt by broken glass!
Therefore, we have decided that the benefits of trusting the child to hold a beautiful glass cup elevates the experience of snack and they deserve it. It is not just an ordinary snack, it is a school snack when we are gathered with our friends. The children (unconsciously, of course) appreciate the festive mood and quite quickly learn to meet the challenge of holding a glass cup. Besides, how else could they see the beautiful red liquid? We eat with our eyes, my husband always says. Especially for the young child, we consider the full sensory experience of everything we do. Imagine for a moment the tactile experience of holding a plastic cup versus a glass one. Then add the other senses and consider that children soak in their environment deeply and it actually becomes a part of them, then choose which experience you would want for your child.
Next, I will respond to a comment about how calm and centered a parent felt all day after the parent-toddler program. She wondered how that could be since she felt we had not done anything. First of all, to gather eight families with babies, toddlers and some preschoolers together to play, socialize, make a snack, clean the room, have integrative movement, share a snack, clean dishes, hear a puppet play and then go outside joyfully and peacefully all within two hours time is doing something!
I am guessing that the parent's comment has to do with cognitive activity. We were not busy thinking about what to do when, the program is planned out for us so that we can honor the children by being in the present moment with them, breathing in and out from group activities to more individual ones, from active to more restful moments. When we participate in the parent-toddler programs, we enter the world of the young child. It is a world of safety, innocence, warmth, timelessness and goodness. Think back on your own childhood and those years from birth to seven. There is a universal quality of early childhood that has not changed (although the rest of the world has) and we strive to provide an environment that respects the needs of the young child...and in that environment, adults receive benefits, too.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
First week in September
Summer's going, fall is coming. The air is getting cooler and I'm getting ready for school. In looking for new verses, I came across this one which sums up the mood:
"In misty, moisty autumn air,
Summer lingers still through mellow days,
And light which glimmers gold and fair
Is dimmed and dulled by gentle veils of haze.
I myself can clearly see
How autumn, soft and slow, is creeping.
Summer gave herself to me
And now departs for winter-sleeping.
"In misty, moisty autumn air,
Summer lingers still through mellow days,
And light which glimmers gold and fair
Is dimmed and dulled by gentle veils of haze.
I myself can clearly see
How autumn, soft and slow, is creeping.
Summer gave herself to me
And now departs for winter-sleeping.
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