Wonder and Light

There is no other time of year that I feel so childlike as in the dark days of December; by this I mean filled with wonder and joy. The fresh blanket of snow and bright blue skies, strike me as an invitation to rejoice in the beauty of winter. I experience moments of reflection alternating with ones of caroling and revelry. Overall the feeling is one of anticipating wholeheartedly what is to come. The joy of giving consumes me and I want to share the spirit with everyone I meet. I know that our journey into the darkness will end on December 21st when the light begins its return a little bit each day. I also know that the image of the light returning in the form of a child is not one that everyone shares but working with young children, I find it easy to picture a baby as the symbol of light, of hope, of birth. During this season, I remember holidays from my past in particular when I was young and when my children were young. Decorations, stories, pictures and songs resurface each year and my heart warms to embrace them. In my home, we make cookies using my German mother-in-law's recipes. Then we put them in bags to distribute to friends and family. Before our extended family celebration, we go on a cookie run and leave little sweet sacks at homes. If we are lucky (and this is Buffalo, so we often are), we run into people on the street. Then we stop the car and hand them a bag of cookies and a warm holiday hug. One year while making our holiday rounds, we saw someone we knew and so we stopped and shared. He explained that it was a lonely time for him after a separation and we really made his day, perhaps his holiday. You can imagine the joy this experience gave all of us. Giving is truly a joy; it blesses the giver every time! All year long we know that the possibility of love lives in each of our hearts but we get busy, sometimes too busy to remember what is truly important. How wonderful that we receive an annual reminder to strengthen our heart forces. This leaves us fortified to go forward into the new year with a bigger, stronger heart and sweet memories that last a lifetime.

The gift of Gratitude

I am thinking about gratitude not only because it is Thanksgiving time but we just had our staff performance reviews at the Center. What an amazing group of people I am lucky enough to work with! It would be great if they could be paid as much as they are valued but the system is not set up that way. The younger the child, the deeper the impact of a teachers' work and the lower the pay scale. We do offer wages higher than typical child care centers but only as much as the organization can bear. Without outside funding sources and with licensing restrictions as well as quality control standards that dictate how many children we can serve, it is not the kind of work that will make us wealthy in a materialistic sense. That brings me back to gratitude, a spiritual gift. When we develop gratitude for all that is - including both what we like and don't like or want, we are less dependent on material things. We build an inner resource that enriches our lives and shields us. At the Rose Garden Early Childhood Center, we are grateful for the children and their families, for the building and its contents, for the LifeWays model and its wisdom. We have always appreciated the nuns next door, but until they were relocated for the construction project, we did not realize how much. Next summer, when they return, their warm and benevolent presence will be so welcomed, as will the quiet sensory environment we are accustomed to. Please pause to thank your child's teachers who work with joy, love and gratitude daily. They model these principles for the children while they tend to their needs and the room. That means they wipe noses, clean toilets, sweep floors, tell stories, sing songs all the while encouraging children's best behavior. They deserve appreciation and recognition in lieu of material wealth and one day perhaps, in addition to it.

Cold Days and Warm Hearts

The transition to darker, colder days brings challenges. We need to prepare our hearts, our rhythms and our clothing. Where are my friends, the light in the morning and my cozy boots? Suddenly, we notice they are missing and we need or want them. Our activities must be more intentionally planned to see people we once saw at outdoor events. Our morning routines might take longer in the dark so we need to wake up earlier. Our winter gear must be brought out of storage or purchased. Although proper winter clothes keep our bodies warm, it takes consciousness to maintain our soul's warmth during the cold days ahead. That's why we make houses for the light; carving pumpkins and creating lanterns so we can watch it burning bright. However, there's more to it than that. We need to consider our words and actions toward one another. Before speaking, it's wise to consult the "gate-keeper" who asks us to consider before speaking if our words are true, kind and necessary? When we speak consciously to each other, we can use our words to nurture soul warmth in our communities. Kindness is the highest form of wisdom, according to the Talmud. Cold winds may blow outside but with kind words and open hearts, we can stay warm together.

Guilt, Embarrassment and Shame

I meet a lot of mothers who work outside the home and take care of their young children in a conscientious way. Not one of them is perfect in her own eyes but they are good enough and their children benefit from the decisions made on their behalf. Since every human makes mistakes, letting go of perfection is essential, for it allows us to address reality in a straightforward way. What we do about mistakes is triggered by how we respond emotionally; it makes all the difference since our children are watching and learning. Guilt is the response to making a mistake; it's a signal that we must make reparations by cleaning up a mess and/or changing our behavior. Let's consider an accident where we spill milk on the floor because we were moving too fast. Oops! It needs to be cleaned up so we get out a rag and clean it, absolving our guilt and considering that it would be a good idea to slow down. Then we move on a little more consciously but we do not lament what happened. It's done. However, if we have an accident and then feel embarrassed because we are not allowed to make mistakes, feelings of shame develop. Shame is connected to low self esteem and the thought that we are a mistake rather than we made a mistake. It's not so easily cleaned up like spilt milk, because it is an internalized self image. Hence, the tricky thing about mistakes is that we need to accept them, acknowledge our guilt and clean them up, possibly even laughing at ourselves to avoid contributing to feelings of shame and negative self worth. If we get caught in embarrassment and shame, our children absorb these feelings and the cycle of perfectionism, embarrassment and shame is perpetuated. Guilt and subsequent reparations provide relief, but shame only increases with each incident; making murky the issue at hand. Every evening before going to sleep, look back on your day and consider what you did well and what you could improve. Then resolve to make changes the next day and celebrate victories. This is how we learn and grow. We are perfectly human; life is our school. Take the time to let it teach you. You will give your children permission to make mistakes and then model how to handle them - everyone will gain confidence as you go.

Alpha Adults Lead in Child-Centered Approach

In my years of working with young children, I have looked for a model of right relationship between adult and child. Clearly, concepts of authority and discipline are useful but are often clouded by people's unpleasant references from the past. Gordon Neufield, a developmental and clinical psychologist, looked to natural science in the study of human development. He observed the instinctual need for dependency in the young child, a need that asks for an alpha presence from adults to answer it. When the child's dependency need is fulfilled, it inspires trust and confidence, allowing the child's heart to remain soft and open. An effective alpha posture involves conveying that the parents can and will take care of the child. To this end, parents must be careful to not reveal their own needs, dependencies, inadequacies or fears. This may involve pretending at times, otherwise children may take on parents' needs and don the alpha role. When the adult takes the lead with full respect for the smallness, neediness and fears of the child, it is a child-centered approach. By reading the child's cues, the adults can discern the difference between needs and demands. If a child is looking for love, the adult can offer more than is asked for, reassuring the child and preventing him/her from suffering an unfulfilled need. This satisfies the child's attachment hunger and establishes a strong connection. However, if a child's alpha instincts have been engaged, it is important not to let the child orchestrate interactions. Parents can reclaim the lead and in doing so, right the relationship.

Gifting Children with our Presence

When I walked past the big flower pot outside our front door one summer evening, I saw a father and son intently focused on it. The child was inches from a plant, holding it with his eyes and his father was behind the boy holding both him and the plant with his presence. Around the father, son and plants, there was a bubble of quiet respect and attention. I walked up to have a look and was shown a beautiful bug on the stem of a plant. When I walked away, they were still sitting together, sharing the moment. The next morning, the boy returned with a colorful moth in a jar and was delighted to share it with his friends. Lucky boy I thought but not because he had found a moth, nature is bountiful. He was lucky because in spite of the busy tempo of our world, his dad gifted him with his presence. Instead of rushing his four-year-old along or allowing a beeping cell phone to distract him, he was present to his son's fascination with bugs. It was a wonder-filled event, one I was glad to have witnessed. What do children really want from their parents? They want them to be present. By showing up and participating in the child's world (children live in the present), they show that their child's fascination with life is worthy of attention. They value their child and their child's interests; the gain is mutual. Stop and see the world through a child's eyes and you might discover how wonderful it is. Now that's a gift.

Inspirational Mothering

May is the month that nature bears beautiful blossoms and we celebrate mothers, who bear and nurture humanity's most tender shoots. We witness mothers everyday, modeling calm dignity, setting boundaries with confidence and advocating for their children's care. Below are a few examples but by no means an inclusive list for every mothers' story belongs here. All the mothers tending their children, shape the future and inspire us daily. When difficult news comes, children watch adults' reactions to know whether everything is alright. They take things personally; in their self-centered view of the universe; if mommy is upset, the child thinks she is to blame. However, even a diagnosis of grave illness when met with grace and dignity, can model an important lesson for a child. We are more than our physical bodies and more than our emotions. There is a boy who witnessed his mother negotiate illness with grace, never losing hope or dignity while recovering physical health; she held onto her spirit. Although the Doctor said her body was sick, she continued to shine with light, beauty and well being. One toddler occasionally gives her mother a howling tearful goodbye, but her mother says goodbye and leaves. She knows that her clarity and confidence gives her little one both roots and wings so she is equipped to meet these moments. It never fails that the little one stops crying within minutes after mom leaves. Moms knows this; she trusts her child, her teachers and her personal decision to work. Another working mom is raising her children alone. They are energetic, curious children who both have fun and know to do what the adults say. They understand how life works and respect authority. When mom was struggling with a parenting issue, she was not afraid to speak openly and ask for help and then to listen. When she has questions about our procedures, she speaks to us as openly and rationally, she is an advocate for her children, leading with a strong heart and reason. They have a courageous guide who focuses on what is important. I'd like to mention one more mom who came here for only a year while finishing her doctoral studies. This mother of two is intelligent, kind-hearted and capable of making a home for her family while living far away from the home they knew. She consistently did what she said she would do; demonstrating that she is a woman who keeps her promises, someone you can trust. Her ready and honest assessments showed loving acceptance, allowing her children to be themselves. When it was time to return home, her careful planning carried out in an unhurried manner gave her children a feeling of safety, of home. Like a fountain of love and joy, they basked in it. Mothering is a balancing act of sympathy and antipathy, understanding the challenges of growing up while not allowing unacceptable behavior. It requires first and foremost, honesty because children are truth-tellers. Whether adults express truth or not, children know what's there and may set out to provoke or bring out truth that is unexpressed. Yes, with all this honesty, mothering requires courage and dignity, drawing from the deepest source of all that is.

Self Care, Synchronicity and Change

"If there is anything that we wish to change in the child, we should first examine if it is not something that could better be changed in ourselves." Carl Jung said these words. We hear them whenever we fly. Airline stewards recommend adults put on their oxygen masks first. In other words, to help children, adults must be mindful of taking deep breaths. When I first came across Jung's quote as a young mom, it served to increase my guilt because I knew that there were changes I wanted to make in me. I was trying hard but in a way that involved a heavy dose of self-denial and criticism. The change that was needed involved more self-care and lightness, more balance and equanimity. The pay-off of the change was taking my children's actions less personally and leading in a way that inspired them to follow. Children's brain waves entrain or synchronize with ours. It's a physics principle that: "Two cycles naturally synchronize with one another to work efficiently and successfully." Hence if the adult changes, the child changes and Jung's words are proven true. If you are experiencing anxiety, you will find yourself with an anxious child. Ironically, spring and summertime can induce nervousness about all the things we want to do! Stop first and look for peace. Choose meditation, time in nature, and physical activity as ways to re-create yourself, then see if your child changes as well.

The Innate Brilliance of Children

Children have an internal program that drives them to meet challenges and to practice new skills through play. Just as we do not need to teach a child to walk, we do not and cannot teach children how to play. Although fair play and social skills are not innate, the desire to work through life's circumstances through creative free play is innate. Since children cannot intellectualize their experiences, they play them out with their bodies, and in doing so, practice skills and learn how life works. Since this remarkable capability cannot be directed by adults; it can be misunderstood. It lives in the domain of children. It requires special eyes to see and when I do, it fills me with wonder. I've learned to trust the innate brilliance of children and not to interfere (unless safety is an issue) when children are engaged in playing out their challenges or practicing physical or social skills. The following examples will demonstrate some of the ways creative free play helps children learn how life works. One toddler when she started coming to the Center, was set free to adjust by a caring and trusting parent. Being new to the environment, the adults, and the children, she began creating a comfortable space for herself. She sat on the rug outside of her cubby and proceeded to place her clothing items one by one in a circle around herself. There she was amongst her familiar things, sometimes sitting up and occassionally, lying down. Teachers did not interfere and overall, children respected what she was creating. Only when free playtime was over, teachers helped her put away her things and come to the rug for circle or the table for snack. Without understanding this child's brilliance, an adult might tell her that clothes stay in the cubby but on her own, the toddler came to this herself. One day, she did not need to surround herself with familiar things to feel secure and she went off to play with the toys and other children. Another child was witnessing his mother's illness including surgical bandaging. Of course, he could not articulate what he and his mother were experiencing, but he was able to explore it in his own way. The teachers noticed that every day he would come in with band-aids all over his legs. At first they wondered about this behavior, but then they realized that he was experiencing a wound in the only way he knew how. Kudos to the parents who allowed him to find his way to understand his life's circumstances by playing the patient and sympathizing with his mother. Normally toddlers' play is singular but the preschoolers often engage others in their play. I've seen children with new siblings play house, exploring different family roles, including being the baby. A child whose parents are divorcing or moving may create safety games. One boy would get into a close space and have another one sheath him with silks. Inside in the warmth and the dark, he was experiencing control of his life's situation, one he had no control over. He was able to feel safe in his play however, and have a friend help him create what he needed. Both boys engaged in the game and both benefitted from playing it. I've seen countless examples of this self-directed behavior, making sense of life's circumstances and practicing skills they are imitating through play. That's why we allow children freedom in their creative free play. Their little bodies know what they need and within certain parameters of safety, they can go about getting it. I regularly watch a little boy play at the kitchen in the community room; practicing cooking in a methodical and focused way. When mom returns, he serves her a morning cup of coffee to the delight of both the server and the served. Clearly, he's learning and if we told him to do this job, he'd be less inclined to engage with such joy and attention. Instead he is expressing his innate brilliance and the least we can do is to allow him to do so. On the other hand, (there are always two hands), it's my observation that although children explore what they need to do in creative free play, in the adult-directed realm, they ask us for direction. Their innate brilliance does not include social mores. Those are adults' job to teach, for example table manners, hand-washing, dressing for outdoors, resting, etc.. As long as we adults understand where children are able to lead and where it's best for the adults to lead, it's possible to find gracefulness in the dance where children and adults live together. This is the basis for a strong, trusting relationship; just what we aim for in early childhood, forming the foundation for a whole and healthy life.

Springtime and Awakening

In winter, the earth goes to sleep until February when we see signs that she is awakening, signs such as bird song in the morning, green shoots peeking out of the mud and daylight hours lengthening. Although there are signs of awakening in February, there is still plenty of darkness and cold. It is as if the earth needs naps to achieve the enormous feat of springtime. Early Childhood is the springtime of a human's life; a time of freshness, hope, dreamy consciousness and lots of naps. The more conscious we adults are of tending the needs of the young child, the more the child can stay asleep until ready to wake up. A child who is asleep directly experiences life in its wholeness. What is it to be awake in our consciousness? It is to know life is precious, ever changing and is impacted by our conscious view of it. Although we may strive to stay conscious, sometimes in the course of day to day life challenges, we fall asleep to what is important. Those are the times that the beauty and joy of living recedes. But then, thankfully, something happens and we wake up again. Last week, the little ones in the parent-toddler program were having foot baths or as we referred to it, "baby spa". Their rounded feet beneath rounded thighs and calves splashed in the calming oil-scented water and they looked down while lifting their feet up and down experiencing the sensations. Besides the delight of babies, reminders of the temporality of life came in the brush of death in an old friend from my young adult years and a parent in the Center community. Yes, we are here now but we won't be forever and remembering that does change how we live today. The glory of living reveals itself in beginnings and endings, but what of all the days in between? We are provided with glimpses; there are more if we look for them and they are easy to find in both springtime and young children. When you go outside or witness your child, remember it's springtime, time to be aware of life's precious moments, time to wake up!

Sleep Children Sleep

Researchers report that sleep deprivation is impacting not only adults and adolescents but also children from infancy through elementary school. At three and a half years of age, a child needs somewhere between eleven and fourteen hours daily. We know that few family's schedules allow for a 7:00 p.m. bedtime followed by the 7:00 a.m. wake-up of a well rested child. Rather it is more common for children to get between nine and ten hours of sleep a night; making up for the other two to three hours during the day. If that time is not made up for and the child misses two hours of sleep a night, that amounts to one sleepless night a week. Imagine the exhaustion you would feel if you missed a night's sleep on a weekly basis. Unfortunately, drowsiness in young children often shows up as hyperactivity and difficult behavior which compounds the problem by diverting parents' attention from the sleep issue. A Colorado sleep institute observed that toddlers who miss a nap show more anxiety, less joy and poorer problem-solving skills. In other words, as most parents can attest, tired children tend to be cranky, and ironically, they often resist the medicine they need. However, something can be done. St. Luke's Hospital Sleep Research Center put it succintly: "The increase in evening activities combined with a child's resistance to going to bed place a significant emphasis on the parent's ability to be firm, consistent and organized about bedtimes and the importance of sleep." Hence, it boils down to making a decision, getting organized and following through. These are the same skills required to succeed in any given task but often parents have trouble with bedtime, largely due to fallacies about sleep. It's not true that if children stay up later at night or skip a nap, they will sleep better at night. Nor is the idea that riding in a car makes a child sleepy. A well-rested child will not fall asleep when sedentary. Also, if an infant or toddler wakes up at night, it is not an indication that the child needs more attention during the day. All infants wake up periodically and if the behavior is not reinforced with attention, the child will outgrow it. Basically, children can learn to fall asleep and then when they wake up, go back to sleep on their own. Last spring, I met a parent who trained his toddler to go to sleep on his own by 7:00 p.m. every night. When his son woke up at night as young children routinely do, he would put himself back to sleep. The father explained that his methods were unpopular amongst his peers but he and his wife enjoy their evenings together and his well-rested son is a happy child. At the Rose Garden Early Childhood Center, we create an environment every afternoon in which children sleep. Just like adequate exercise and proper nutrition, we know that the young child needs sleep in order to be healthy. Therefore sleep rhythms are a part of the culture we create. We often see little ones yawning at the lunch table. Their bodies know that once the bowls are finished and their teeth brushed, they will be on their cots in a darkened room, covered by a warm blanket, snuggling a soft toy. If they don't fall asleep, they at least rest on their cots. Most sleep. We know that in many ways it's easier for us since this is our work, we study pedagogical philosophy and methods and have the support of colleagues. However, the fundamentals of creating a family culture are the same. Parents decide to meet the children's needs for sleep, then organize the evening dinner, bath and bedtime rituals, and follow through consistently. If a well rested child is less cranky and overall healthier, isn't it worth the effort?