Parenting in the Light

Parenting involves moment to moment decision-making. It requires rational thinking at times in the presence of strong emotions from our children and parents' emotions may be triggered, too. That's when it gets tricky since feelings can derail thinking, leading to faulty logic and then more emotion including embarrassment and guilt. To break the cycle of reactivity, when emotionally triggered, parents are well advised to take a moment of pause to notice the feelings that are present and to ponder the situation. Emotions for healthy adults are governed by thinking, but for children emotions just are. What do children feel? They feel fear, anger, frustration, as well as joy, love and enthusiasm many times a day. If parents' decisions are influenced by children's ephemeral emotions, it's like a boat on stormy seas. Rational thinking provides the rudder that steers the family boat to safe harbor despite temporary squalls. Although not overtly emotional, this kind of thinking is fueled by love. Love that is calm and consistent like the sun, faithfully rising each morning. Love that is a choice not a feeling. Just like the sun does not look to humans to decide whether or not to shine on us, parents' thinking is not based on the child's emotions but is bestowed on the child's behalf. Children who are given the warmth of a warm sunny gaze, backed by clear decisions, grow strong and healthy. They grow toward the light. This time of year, our children may be excited and parents on the other hand, may want a calm holiday without upsets. However, peace at all costs comes at a dear price. Parents may pay for it by reinforcing negative behaviors with attention. Children know that they should not get everything they want in the form of gifts or attention. With parents choosing consciously, children learn to appreciate more even when they receive less. While reinforcing what we want children to learn, what can parents do when children act inappropriately? Give a direction once, then ignore the behaviors, allowing the child to find his or her way or to experience the consequences. Parents observe and witness the child's learning curve. Yes, if safety is an issue, our children need to be stopped but ignoring the rest is best. This requires clear intentions, trust and steadfastness or parenting in the light of consciousness. The return of the light is about more than gifts and parties, it is a celebration of the light of human consciousness. It's about birthing something new in our own hearts, a courageous love that fuels clear thoughts, emotions and actions. At times, the light of wisdom disappears and then we look for it, practicing finding it again and again. When it returns, we sigh "Hallelujah".

What do Mr.Rogers, my grandmother and good early childhood teachers have in common?

Fred Rogers of Mr. Roger's Neighborhood sent a powerful message to children about a world that is good, orderly and worthy of respect. He purveyed the message with his calm demeanor and regular habits (putting on his indoor shoes and sweater slowly and methodically) while talking directly to the children (although unseen) with deep interest and respect. His behavior gave the sense that no matter what happened, everything would be okay and if situations arose (stories of inappropriate social behaviors for example), he would seize the learning opportunity and teach a moral lesson. He responded rather than reacting to situations in a way that was slow and steady; that makes children feel safe. I was reminiscing last weekend about Thanksgivings at my grandparents' house. When we entered the house as children, the box of dad's old toys was out and the tables were set with turkey name tags and a glass of apple juice at each plate. In the retelling, this does not sound extraordinary, but it felt that way to us just because it was simple and consistent. My paternal grandparents lived not far from the house I grew up in with my parents and seven siblings. We loved going to their house and looked forward to their Friday visits when we would share a dessert and the evening. My grandfather's specialty was game-playing and my grandmother's specialty was baked goods but even more important, her presence. Around her, we wanted to be good. We knew that if we sat next to her, she would speak calmly and quietly to us but mostly she would listen, regarding words or injuries shared with quiet attention and care. I can picture her cradling my finger with a boo boo in a way that felt healing. She was steady and to a child (my cousins included), we adored her. We felt deeply respected, loved and hopeful that we were growing up in a world that was good. Predictability and goodness are the same for a child. LifeWays early childhood teachers know that being calm, consistent and caring are qualities that aid children's development. Practices that include regular habits of words and actions but especially of being, are highly respectful to children who cannot differentiate between themselves and the outside situations that cause adults to be harried. It's all personal for young children; they cannot separate themselves. They take in the world deeply with their unfiltered senses and look to adults for a picture that the world is good and they are welcome in it. If teachers and parents create regular habits around their day to day lives in particular around their way of being, this serves children's developmental needs. Rudolf Steiner referred to this as working "out of the etheric or habit body", which allows children to tap into a wellspring of energy flowing toward a solid foundation in life, building security and hopefulness. Multi-tasking and novelty on the otherhand, promote insecurity in the child who wonders what will happen next, how to meet it and who will pay attention to them. For the sake of our children, slow down, pay attention and keep it simple; giving children what they need most and see, it might serve the adults as well.

Who is in Charge?

A parent asked a group of teachers one morning about who is in charge at pick-up time or more directly, would it be okay for her to correct a child's misbehavior in front of other parents and teachers? That's a good question reminding me that "it takes a village" but within the village, it takes agreement. Transition times are challenging, pick-up time in particular since it's the second biggest shift in the day, the first being the one away from parents to the Center. At pick-up time, arriving parents can be tentative about asserting themselves, not wanting to step on any toes, holding back as far as intervention goes. This is just the opportunity that a child needs to exert his or herself and claim attention, sometimes in socially inappropriate ways. In a village or community where there is agreement about values and standards, any nearby adult is encouraged to reinforce them. At the Rose Garden, we assume agreement about teaching lessons that you cannot hurt anybody or anything. As long as the adults bear in mind that young children need reminders which are most effective brought in an emotionally-neutral and consistent way, we can let go of the idea that we might offend an adult and intervene when we witness a socially unacceptable act. Afterwards, the adults can have a clarifying conversation but it's best to step in and stop inappropriate behavior in a kindly way as soon as we see it to ensure the safety of the children. Some suggested ways of intervening include reminding a child who is using hitting hands or mean words that we say, "Use your gentle hands and kind words." We may also say that "We don't hit people or talk that way here." If children are excluding other children in play, we have a mantra, "Yes you may play with me today" so children step back to allow another child enter the play house or a free form game. However, at times we allow a few children to finish their game before they widen the circle, encouraging children to find another game and come back in a little while. Living, working and playing in society involves learning lessons about how to be with others all the time so we do not expect our little ones to have mastered them. If you are an adult who witnesses socially unacceptable behavior, please feel free to tell a child that it is not okay to hurt anyone. It's important for children to see that all the adults are looking out for them. That in itself can be a deterrent.

How to Prepare Children for an Unknown Future

Parents are asked to prepare children for the future, while living in the present, having been raised in the past. This reality can invoke fear on the part of modern parents. As a result, overscheduling is a common practice. Parenting consultant, Kim John Payne, however, suggests that Simplicity Parenting and its emphasis on providing time for extended periods of play prepares children for a complex future, whereas rigidly structuring our children's days is a throw back to the 1950's. Times have changed. Our children will not grow up to live and work in a world in which they train for a vocation that will provide them with job security and a pension for their retirement years. Preparation for that kind of world would be well served by heavily structuring children's time so they can according to Payne, "learn things from within a box and meet expectations and people-please". The structured and straightforward world of the past is rapidly deconstructing. Most people agree that our future economy and the skills needed to meet it are based on innovation - the ability to adapt to changing circumstances. Instead of following a strict schedule and rules, the learner who is prepared for the future is capable of figuring out how to find his or her own answers. What does this mean for parents? Simplicity Parenting, as described by Payne, is a way of life that "promotes play and creativity and honors a kid's needs and natural rhythms". Although some see this movement as a privilege for those who will be protected from the harsh realities of modern living (like living in the "Little House of the Prarie" times), Payne says that "nothing could be further from the truth". When children are allowed to have the time and space to get into serious play, they build an inner structure that is capable of innovation and developing the variety of skills that are necessary to meet the future. They become capable of creating their own structure for a life rather than relying on the external structure that no longer exists. It's time to let go of the past, to embrace the present with confidence and prepare our children to meet the future. Frankly, it's more difficult to keep children from practicing innovation than it is to allow them to do so. They have what it takes and through play, they grow in the skill and confidence needed to meet the future come what may.

How We Know What We Know

I am fascinated by how people learn, grow and change. How do we come to know what we know? In the study of knowledge practices or epistemology, ways of knowing can be broken into two groups, masculine and feminine. Masculine knowledge practices are based on information coming from outside sources. When an idea is presented and considered valuable, research is done, and if the concept is proven true, results are presented as fact. Hence, one can read about a research study and acquire knowledge from the outside in. On the other hand, feminine knowledge practices are based on personal experience. Something is known because the individual experienced it as true or conducted personal research. This way of knowing things accounts for the uniqueness of the individual. This is acquiring knowledge from the inside out. Anthroposophy, the spiritual science developed by humanitarian, philosopher and natural scientist, Rudolf Steiner, is a feminine way of knowing things. At the Rose Garden Early Childhood Center, anthroposophic indications inform our work with the children and the teachers' path to self development, although they are never directly taught to children. Steiner's indications are not meant be taken as truth but are rather to be experimented with to see if they are true for the individual. In this way, the individual develops an inner authority and is enpowered to find personal solutions to problems. In order to engage with anthroposophy, it requires an open mind, a willingness to experiment and to track personal results. I thank this spiritual science for the understanding of myself, child development and principles that I bring to my work. It is the fertile ground that the Rose Garden was born into three years ago on September 16th. How do I know that Steiner's indications about early childhood education work? I know that they work because the Rose Garden is a healthy, thriving system, able to learn and grow. Happy Birthday Rose Garden! This month, you wear the birthday crown.

LifeWays Training Graduation

When I graduated from LifeWays about ten years ago, I spoke at the ceremony on behalf of our group. Yesterday, while clearing out my bookshelves, I came across the speech. This time of year, the heat, the humid air, the outdoor activities with the children all remind me of my training experience. Presently, we are putting together a group for the training in Buffalo that will begin this fall. With a feeling of coming full circle, of gratitude and awe, I am sharing the graduation speech below. Time has passed but the sentiments remain the same. "I am grateful to speak on behalf of the LifeWays graduates today and we are all grateful to the mother of LifeWays, Cynthia Aldinger, our dear teacher; to our mentors; and our families who supported us by doing their best to get by without us for three weeks over the summer. Finally or perhaps firstly, we would like to acknowledge all the young children who in Wordsworth's words are "trailing clouds of glory" for they open our hearts and bring us to our senses again and again. Last summer, this group of women met when we participated in the Foundations of Early Childhood class in Maine. When we discovered the meaningful content and engaging presentation, we wanted more than that course and we found out there was more. There was (and is) a LifeWays certification training to partake in, a program that painted a broad but in depth picture of early childhood and allowed each of us to enter into it wherever we were and to take it wherever we will. When the course ended, we went back to our work and during the year, we started doing things differently; making both big and subtle changes. One of us has a new job, another has a baby on the way and another changed her program by extending the day. So when we arrived to study this summer, we were a group of seven women who were ready to learn and we knew why. We had tasted both the training and its benefits. Although seven seems a small number, this group of women represents four countries, even four continents. Our experience with children is collectively extensive although some are just beginning that work. We have unique talents, a shared dedication to home, to ourselves, to our connections with each other and all living things, to the spirit that lives in you and me and in every dear child and parent we meet. Through this training, we feel as if we have been welcomed home, home with a light in the window. Thank you."

Mothers in the merry month of May

It's mothering month and The New York Times Book Review and Time Magazine gave the topic a recent cover. Clearly, it's been extensively analyzed, written about and experienced. Since I'm not an expert on attachment parenting, Chinese, French or Irish mothering, for this post, I'll stick with the experiential. When my sister-in-law was pregnant about 14 years ago, my mother (who raised 8 children) commented that she'll make a good mother. At that time, I wondered what qualities she was referring to, but unfortunately, I didn't ask, and at this time, my mother is unable to remember. Like with most things, I need to look for the answer to my own question. As is turns out, I agree, my sister-in-law is a good mother. She is present, encouraging and consistent not only in the mothering realm but in her own life. Her work outside the home interests and engages her as does her work at home. I've met moms who fit this description and I'm blessed to be in their presence. There's a dear toddler whose mom has been both professional, warm, and light-hearted in our interactions. She takes care of matters concerning her child, communicates clearly with us and follows her intuition. She meets what comes and makes good choices based on the information available and on who she is, avoiding excessive guilt, second-guessing and worry. Her life is full and she doesn't have time or energy to waste or to spin her wheels emotionally. She's clear-thinking, emotionally balanced and appropriately involved. I've watched her hold back to observe her daughter for a few moments before picking her up, then delighting in her child's smile when she is spied. Through experience and careful observation, I've come to conclude that a good mother is one who is engaged and balanced. There is no set of rules that she must follow except for the most basic laws of nature, of getting what she gives, of putting her best foot forward. The self-confident mother makes decisions in alignment with her values and does not sweat the small stuff. When life is busy or unmanageable, she recognizes it and makes adjustments. Then in the retelling, she laughs about herself. This participation in life with clear intentions and actions, an open heart and mental clarity is key to successful mothering. A happy and relaxed mom makes for a happy and relaxed child. It's not something we can learn in a book, life is our teacher. How do we practice it? Participate in a full and active life, pay attention to internal and external cues and let everything else go. You'll make mistakes, but in striving to learn, you'll find your inner mother. Congratulations dear engaged and engaging Mothers. May your lives be full and your month merry.

Seeing Children

"Treat people as if they are what they ought to be and you help them to become what they are capable of being." - Goethe

Last weekend, I went to the NYS Association for Education of the Young Child Conference and sat amongst colleagues; a group with whom I share aspirations and concerns. Together, we focused on the big picture; remembering what is important in our work. Removed from our day to day duties, we listened to speakers, talked amongst ourselves and filled notebooks with ideas of what we can implement in our programs.

I've found the value in revisiting fundamentals at conferences and making them new. For example, we discussed the simple concept that our responses to children are based on our perception of what they need. Anyone who has spent time in the company of children knows the refrain, "look at me". Simply put, children need to be seen. As teachers and caregivers, we must let them know, "I see you" and develop a kind of vision (based on knowing a child's potential) that brings out the best in them. It's a method that can build connections, confidence and success.

How do we learn to see in this way? First of all, we must believe that all children can and want to learn socially appropriate behavior and they are looking to us to teach them. They are doing what they do in order to get their needs met; their social emotional needs to be seen with eyes of acceptance and approval while learning. As long as we value the relationship and staying connected with the child even when the child has lessons yet unlearned, we will look with eyes of acceptance, (or at least fake it until we make it). We will see the small steps of progress. A great way to get started in developing this kind of vision is to write down ten good things we see in a child each day.

Through this work of consciously seeing the child, our eyes begin to glow with warmth like sunshine. While on my lunch break at the conference, I stepped outside of the center, feeling tired and filled up with information. The sun was shining so I sat down on a bench for a few minutes. Afterwards, I felt re-energized and ready to go back inside, open to learning more. It's amazing what sunshine will do for the body, soul and mind of an adult. Can you imagine what the glow of sunshine coming from a caring adult's eyes (no matter what the weather)will do for a child?

Spring Cleaning and Non-attachment

Our society tends toward overabundance: too much stuff, too much information and then too much emotion or even overwhelm about managing it all. It's time for spring cleaning but how can we get rid of the clutter, scale back and grab hold of the essentials?

I have found that a daily practice keeps stuff from becoming too much. However, I still find myself occassionally needing to sort through clutter in my home or office and inwardly, in my mind or heart. When stuff accummulates, I can grow attached to it even it if is not serving me; it feels like mine and can be hard to get rid of.

Sometimes, I get attached to ideas and plans. Even though indications are that a plan will not work, I've been known to hold on to it.

This spring, we had planned to begin hosting the 13 month LifeWays training, actually we had originally planned to begin it in the fall but postponed it until the spring. After several attempts to get the word out, we did not have enough enrollment, so we scaled back.

Instead of a complete LifeWays training, we are going to host a weekend long (20 hour) workshop. Cynthia Aldinger, the LifeWays founder will come to Buffalo to teach it. On Thursday, April 26th at 7:30 p.m., Cynthia will present a lecture called, "Finding Resiliency in a World of Overwhelm". Then on Friday, Saturday and Sunday of that weekend, she will present a workshop on LifeWays Principles for parents, teachers, and all those who care for young children.

At least, that's the plan. We are looking forward to hosting the workshop, holding it with an open hand not a clenched fist. One thing we know for sure is that we will do our spring cleaning and be ready to receive guests. Then we will see who comes.

How did I get here?

We went to the annual WECAN (Waldorf Early Childhood Association of North American)Conference early this month. It's held at Sunbridge Institute just outside New York City. The keynote speaker opened with a question, "How did you get here?" referring to the journey we each took to get to the conference that weekend but also the big picture of how we came to do the work we are doing. The speaker went on to explain his journey to teaching in a Waldorf kindergarten in France, including both the conscious and unconscious components. Then he spoke about his work before he closed with a verse from Rudolf Steiner, a verse that returned us to the opening question.

The wishes of the soul are springing.
The deeds of the will are thriving.
The fruits of life are maturing.

I feel my fate,
My fate finds me.
I feel my star,
My star finds me.
I feel my goals in life,
My goals in life are finding me.
My soul and the great World are one.
Life grows more radiant around me,
Life grows more difficult for me,
Life grows richer within me.

Strive for peace.
Love peace.
Live in peace.

This verse was pinned to the bulletin board in my kitchen for years and I would ponder its meaning and my destiny path. As I look back now, I marvel over what has happened in my life, bearing witness to the words in the verse. I am not afraid of life growing more difficult (as I was when I first encountered the verse) because I now know difficulty is balanced by wonder and sheer delight in meeting a destiny path. As I walk it, it carries me along.

When I was young, my mother stayed at home with eight children and my father would drive to work mornings. During the 1970's, he noticed many women bringing young children to places outside their home for the day. This troubled my father, it was a new social model, one he did not understand and he was concerned about how the children would fare. My father is deceased more than 10 years now and I think of him often and his consistency (never missed a day of work) as well as his sensitivity toward the issue of child care.

Almost ten years ago, I was teaching in the Early Childhood program at Aurora Waldorf School and I wanted to do some training over the summer. I decided to go to the Rudolf Steiner Institute which was then housed on a college campus in Maine. Surveying the course offerings, I chose a LifeWays course because it matched my sensibility of "keeping it simple", empahasizing relationships and processes rather than products in Early Childhood Education.

When I took the course, I found there was an option to continue LifeWays training; I did and became certified. The question of child care that my father posed when I was young, resurfaced and I found the concept of creating a LifeWays Center growing in me. I took steps forward wondering how it would all work out and knowing it would both at the same time.

Through this process, I was brought to the task of social entrepreneurship, a task although difficult, made easier by the knowledge that it's my work to do. At the onset, resources I thought were available were not and other unexpected resources showed up. It's been interesting to discover what is beyond each bend in the road and to see our three year old Center becoming what it is meant to become for in the process, we are all becoming. What a joy to witness what was once invisible now living in the physical world for all to see!

Yet we are not done; we've laid the foundation for hosting a LifeWays training in Buffalo and we are eagerly anticipating what it will become. Soon we will know if there are enough participants for the first Buffalo training to begin in April or if we are meant to find another way. At any rate, we know that what we need to find we will find, and the rest will find us.

Teaching Resilience in Early Childhood

I cleaned out my file cabinet this month, rediscovering articles once buried. One that I found interesting is "Resilience" written by Christof Wiechert and published in "Waldorf Today", an electronic newsletter. Since an increased number of veterans of the Iraq war (more than previous wars) have struggled to re-enter civilian life, researchers have been studying why some people recover from the truama and others don't.

The research is about resilience or the ability to bounce back and overcome the impact of traumatic experiences. Researchers found that resilience is not innate but it's learned in early childhood. To teach resilience, the following five conditions need to be present in early childhood.

1. The infant needs a reliable, stable relationship with one person. In time, a second, third or fourth person can be added but there must be one constant in the early days of a child's life.

2. The child needs authority. Having decisions about what is good, right and healthy made for them allows the child to gain trust that things will be taken care of for her. She grows secure in surroundings that can be relied on to keep her safe.

3. Children need to learn through example. Saying one thing and doing another does not work. Children imitate what they see so they need to be surrounded by people who live according to their moral standards, allowing children to learn habits in a totality, reinforced by what they see and hear. In this way, children do not need to discrimate to find the truth, it's apparent.

4. Children need a qualitative experience of time. They learn about time through experiencing the qualities of the time of day, the seasons of the year and the stages of life. They learn the "feel" of morning and evening, of summer and winter, of the order of things. Rituals that celebrate meals or bedtime and seasonal festivals help to teach the quality of time.

5. The last condition in developing resilience is a surplus of positive school experiences. In particular, children need to feel fully accepted by their teachers, to go to school in a warm, loving environment. Nonethless, children might experience emergencies in life (natural disasters, a loved one gets sick or a parent loses a job, etc.). Hence, schools need to provide opportunities for children to work through the traumas they might experience. Research has shown that creative free play and artistic activities can heal trauma. Hence, art needs to be a part of every educational curriculum.