It's Michaelmas day, September 29th, and celebrating the festival brings back memories of years past. I picture my children wearing red, my daughter's long hair braided, both with shining eyes as they watched the dragon writhing during an assembly in their Waldorf School.
On this festival, we have shared a harvest loaf and song, tossed shooting stars made of silk and ribbons, and hiked in the woods. This is the celebration of Michael, who was known for vanquishing the dragon. Besides social festivities, adults find a chance for self development by recognizing inner dragons in order to keep them at bay. The image for the festival is that of the horseman pointing his sword toward the dragon surrendering at his feet.
This is the time of year that we reap the harvest and begin preparations for the winter months ahead. We embrace Michaelmas stories of heavenly fire coming down to earth through shooting stars and iron rich raisins that we knead into our harvest loaf. We shore up our strength, exercising our will to be the best we can be. Fortified by a rich celebration with friends and family, we enter the season of Michaelmas ready to do our work.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Gibran on Children
On Children
Kahlil Gibran
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.
Kahlil Gibran
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.
Monday, June 27, 2011
The Promise of a Rose Garden
There's a song from the 70's that I don't expect you to remember since many of you were not yet born, but it's called "I never promised you a Rose Garden." Sometimes I consider what that phrase means, because well, I do promise a Rose Garden. The name of the Center was chosen for many reasons: my mother's name is Rosemary, the program emphasizes outdoor play and kindergarten (a German word) translates into Child's Garden. Besides, I love roses, how they look, smell, feel and even taste. Their beauty inspires me as it has many poets and writers in the past.
June is the month roses bloom in Buffalo and whenever I see them, it gives me pause. I know, however, they do not get that way without some effort. I've planted a few bushes and have learned what it takes to help a bush survive its first winter and then to produce red, velvety blossoms on its thorny branches. It's always helpful if the bush comes to me with a strong root system and I get it in the ground as soon as possible. When planting a rose bush, I build up a mound of compost-rich soil around it, water it if it gets dry and remove weeds or ground cover that tries to grow too close to it, and then I step back and watch, noting signs of growth or the need to cut back a dead branch (wearing gloves so to not get pricked by thorns), getting excited when buds appear and progress into blossoms that eventually drop their petals leaving the tight pink bulb that's called rosehips. It makes a delicious tea rich in Vitamin C.
There are three main factors involved in growing roses:
1. the root factor or the innate health of the rosebush
2. the care factor or how well it is tended (knowing when to step in and when to step back)
3. the miracle factor or how forces beyond our control make a thorny branch produce roses
Back to the 70's hit, it mentions "along with the sunshine, there's got to be a little rain sometime." Surely, it takes both sun and rain for a rose to grow. it seems to me that promising a rose garden is a promise of balance since beautiful roses grow on thorny branches. You cannot have one without the other. It represents life on life's terms, wanting the best but accepting and working with what comes, continually watering and weeding and watching.
Children come to us with their own root systems. At the Rose Garden, we tend, weed, water and feed nutrient rich food. Then we step back and await the miracle of growth and development that makes roses and children bloom, and we celebrate it.
June is the month roses bloom in Buffalo and whenever I see them, it gives me pause. I know, however, they do not get that way without some effort. I've planted a few bushes and have learned what it takes to help a bush survive its first winter and then to produce red, velvety blossoms on its thorny branches. It's always helpful if the bush comes to me with a strong root system and I get it in the ground as soon as possible. When planting a rose bush, I build up a mound of compost-rich soil around it, water it if it gets dry and remove weeds or ground cover that tries to grow too close to it, and then I step back and watch, noting signs of growth or the need to cut back a dead branch (wearing gloves so to not get pricked by thorns), getting excited when buds appear and progress into blossoms that eventually drop their petals leaving the tight pink bulb that's called rosehips. It makes a delicious tea rich in Vitamin C.
There are three main factors involved in growing roses:
1. the root factor or the innate health of the rosebush
2. the care factor or how well it is tended (knowing when to step in and when to step back)
3. the miracle factor or how forces beyond our control make a thorny branch produce roses
Back to the 70's hit, it mentions "along with the sunshine, there's got to be a little rain sometime." Surely, it takes both sun and rain for a rose to grow. it seems to me that promising a rose garden is a promise of balance since beautiful roses grow on thorny branches. You cannot have one without the other. It represents life on life's terms, wanting the best but accepting and working with what comes, continually watering and weeding and watching.
Children come to us with their own root systems. At the Rose Garden, we tend, weed, water and feed nutrient rich food. Then we step back and await the miracle of growth and development that makes roses and children bloom, and we celebrate it.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Mothering
I have the privelege of being in the company of many mothers; all of whom are caring and doing their best to raise their children. My hat goes off and my heart goes out to them for I know that the journey is one that can bring us both to our knees as well as jumping for joy, sometimes all in the same day. Overall, it is a daily practice that requires us to meet what comes with an open heart one day at a time.
What does it take to mother consciously in spite of the prevailing insecurity of our times? When I ponder this question, a mother comes to mind who appears to have found inner balance enough to remain calm in the face of life's daily challenges. Children are reassured by a calm presence and it is a joy to be around her. My guess is that this mother's temperament helps her to stay unruffled but no matter what we have been given, how can we cultivate calm in the presence of the ever-excited little beings that are our children?
There are always two strands of information coming to us; one from the outside that includes time, weather, our child's mood or state of health, resources available, etc. and the other strand of information comes from within including our feelings, thoughts, judgments, history, etc. How do we carefully observe both the outer realities as well as the inner ones to respond consciously rather than react to circumstances? First of all, staying calm allows us enough time to notice both strands of information and to choose our response, rather than reacting.
Conscious mothering involves taking in external information while cultivating our inward response. It means:
Even when our child is unhappy or struggling (in a situation that has been determined to be good) a mother can choose to affirm her child's strength and trust that she will pull through.
Trust comes from the inside.
Even when we are in a hurry because we are late in getting somewhere, a mother can choose to stay calm and go forward without rushing. Acting deliberately gets us to the goal faster.
Calm is a gesture that comes from the inside; it's a practice.
Even if our child is shy, we can bring her to a place where she can learn social skills. We can enourage her growth in spite of resistance by bringing what she needs instead of what she craves which could be to stay home.
Encouragement is generated from the inside, coming from a strong heart (the french word for heart is coeur).
Even though a child does not want to wear clothing for the weather, a mother can insist that she dress for the season rather than changing whims. In this way, inner resolve meets outward information to foster common sense and balance.
Authority comes from the inside.
Even if our child develops according to her own timetable and has her own idiosycracies (like all of us), we can accept and love her just as she is, mirroring a warm and calm presence like sunshine that will validate her and help her become all she can be in her own time and in her own way.
A steady, sunny disposition comes from the inside.
Happy Mothering Month and blessings on your journey.
What does it take to mother consciously in spite of the prevailing insecurity of our times? When I ponder this question, a mother comes to mind who appears to have found inner balance enough to remain calm in the face of life's daily challenges. Children are reassured by a calm presence and it is a joy to be around her. My guess is that this mother's temperament helps her to stay unruffled but no matter what we have been given, how can we cultivate calm in the presence of the ever-excited little beings that are our children?
There are always two strands of information coming to us; one from the outside that includes time, weather, our child's mood or state of health, resources available, etc. and the other strand of information comes from within including our feelings, thoughts, judgments, history, etc. How do we carefully observe both the outer realities as well as the inner ones to respond consciously rather than react to circumstances? First of all, staying calm allows us enough time to notice both strands of information and to choose our response, rather than reacting.
Conscious mothering involves taking in external information while cultivating our inward response. It means:
Even when our child is unhappy or struggling (in a situation that has been determined to be good) a mother can choose to affirm her child's strength and trust that she will pull through.
Trust comes from the inside.
Even when we are in a hurry because we are late in getting somewhere, a mother can choose to stay calm and go forward without rushing. Acting deliberately gets us to the goal faster.
Calm is a gesture that comes from the inside; it's a practice.
Even if our child is shy, we can bring her to a place where she can learn social skills. We can enourage her growth in spite of resistance by bringing what she needs instead of what she craves which could be to stay home.
Encouragement is generated from the inside, coming from a strong heart (the french word for heart is coeur).
Even though a child does not want to wear clothing for the weather, a mother can insist that she dress for the season rather than changing whims. In this way, inner resolve meets outward information to foster common sense and balance.
Authority comes from the inside.
Even if our child develops according to her own timetable and has her own idiosycracies (like all of us), we can accept and love her just as she is, mirroring a warm and calm presence like sunshine that will validate her and help her become all she can be in her own time and in her own way.
A steady, sunny disposition comes from the inside.
Happy Mothering Month and blessings on your journey.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Love's other name: Discipline
I wish I could say that I came up with that phrase, I didn't, but I went to the Gateways conference with that title at the Toronto Waldorf School last weekend. The keynote speaker was Sharifa Oppenheimer who wrote, Heaven on Earth, the handbook for parenting young children. Sharifa has spent her life's work thinking about family cultures, raising children and teaching in Waldorf early childhood programs. She has the knack of making it seem simple due to her years of research and experience.
When she spoke, I couldn't help but notice Sharifa's manner. She was very focused and an excellent presenter, but she was very relaxed. In her talk, Sharifa mentioned the importance of being self-disciplined rather than driven which is a common way of being in our culture. Driven, she said is unsustainable and actually destructive whereas self-disciplined involves a sense of self which is lacking when we are driven. By opening with the distinction between driven and self-disciplined, Sharifa noted that it won't work if we take on her suggestions in a driven sort of way, but it's better to commit to making one change at a time. This kind of change is sustainable.
Discipline is a word that is defined by Webster as "punishment" so it's no wonder that many of us are ambivalent about it. Sharifa reframed the word, noting that the root of discipline is disciple which means to lovingly follow. Children are programmed from birth to lovingly follow us so it's our job to lovingly lead, to set limits that give our children information about how the world works. That's a more appealing picture of discipline.
In order to do this, we need a plan. We need to have family rhythms in place, plenty of time for child's play, artistic activities as well as family work and play. We need to find a way to say yes as much as possible so that when we say no it is more impactful. Our consciousness needs to be clear so we are firm and kind, able to use simple, non-emotional statements. Even with this strong structure and habits in place, we will have times, usually during transitions, when our children present us with "disciplinary moments".
What do we do then? According to Sharifa, there are five steps to follow.
1. Look at our outer rhythms. Do we need to make a change for the seasons or has our child outgrown a nap or a certain ritual we have in place? Then adjust the rhythm.
2. Look at our inner rhythms. Are we feeling out of sync because we are tired or hungry or feeling upset?. Then make self-adjustments.
3. Distract the child. For example the two-year-old is knocking over her big brother's block castle. Show her the bird out the window and engage in observation and a conversation about the bird so she forgets about the castle.
4. Bring her into the adult rhythm. "Come stand by me while I do the dishes. We'll pull up a chair so you are tall enough."
5. If she persists in going back to knock over the castle, bring the child close and put your arm around her and share information in a non-emotional way. For example, "In our house, we are kind to each other. If you continue to knock over your brother's building, you won't be able to play with him."
That's it! When I heard Sharifa share these guidelines, I realized I had heard these steps before. it's our discplinary policy at the Center and I can attest that it works! Children look to us for information, their experience is limited and they know it, but their hearts are open so they make excellent disciples as long as we lovingly lead.
When she spoke, I couldn't help but notice Sharifa's manner. She was very focused and an excellent presenter, but she was very relaxed. In her talk, Sharifa mentioned the importance of being self-disciplined rather than driven which is a common way of being in our culture. Driven, she said is unsustainable and actually destructive whereas self-disciplined involves a sense of self which is lacking when we are driven. By opening with the distinction between driven and self-disciplined, Sharifa noted that it won't work if we take on her suggestions in a driven sort of way, but it's better to commit to making one change at a time. This kind of change is sustainable.
Discipline is a word that is defined by Webster as "punishment" so it's no wonder that many of us are ambivalent about it. Sharifa reframed the word, noting that the root of discipline is disciple which means to lovingly follow. Children are programmed from birth to lovingly follow us so it's our job to lovingly lead, to set limits that give our children information about how the world works. That's a more appealing picture of discipline.
In order to do this, we need a plan. We need to have family rhythms in place, plenty of time for child's play, artistic activities as well as family work and play. We need to find a way to say yes as much as possible so that when we say no it is more impactful. Our consciousness needs to be clear so we are firm and kind, able to use simple, non-emotional statements. Even with this strong structure and habits in place, we will have times, usually during transitions, when our children present us with "disciplinary moments".
What do we do then? According to Sharifa, there are five steps to follow.
1. Look at our outer rhythms. Do we need to make a change for the seasons or has our child outgrown a nap or a certain ritual we have in place? Then adjust the rhythm.
2. Look at our inner rhythms. Are we feeling out of sync because we are tired or hungry or feeling upset?. Then make self-adjustments.
3. Distract the child. For example the two-year-old is knocking over her big brother's block castle. Show her the bird out the window and engage in observation and a conversation about the bird so she forgets about the castle.
4. Bring her into the adult rhythm. "Come stand by me while I do the dishes. We'll pull up a chair so you are tall enough."
5. If she persists in going back to knock over the castle, bring the child close and put your arm around her and share information in a non-emotional way. For example, "In our house, we are kind to each other. If you continue to knock over your brother's building, you won't be able to play with him."
That's it! When I heard Sharifa share these guidelines, I realized I had heard these steps before. it's our discplinary policy at the Center and I can attest that it works! Children look to us for information, their experience is limited and they know it, but their hearts are open so they make excellent disciples as long as we lovingly lead.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Things I Wish I Had Learned Sooner
We had a tape dispenser in my parents' house that said, "We grow too soon old and too late smart". I'm sure someone gave it to my mother and those words were invisible to her, but as a child, I remember wondering what they could mean. As an adult, I can now subscribe some meaning to them mostly in connection with my children since I learned about parenting by parenting them and now I know things that I didn't know then.
There are a few things I wish I knew sooner:
Clear, consistent boundaries are loving gestures that make children and their parents feel secure.
If you do the right things without peacefulness and joy, the actions will not bring the result you hoped for.
Children are not an opportunity to heal adult wounds or set things right from the parent's past.
Our children have their own paths and they might not match the ones we want for them.
We cannot fake anything with our children so we may as well be honest since they know what we are feeling anyway. It's okay to say "I'm feeling upset now so I'm going to take a minute until I feel better."
The sooner children learn that life will not mold itself to their wishes (so it's a false message to continually try to fulfill their desires), the sooner they can learn to live life on life's terms and be happy.
Children learn what they see so if we are imperfect yet striving to do and be our best, they will learn to strive and when they learn new things, they might sometimes wish they had learned them sooner, however, there is no going back, only forward. The best way to go forward is to keep learning and to share what we have learned so others may learn, too.
There are a few things I wish I knew sooner:
Clear, consistent boundaries are loving gestures that make children and their parents feel secure.
If you do the right things without peacefulness and joy, the actions will not bring the result you hoped for.
Children are not an opportunity to heal adult wounds or set things right from the parent's past.
Our children have their own paths and they might not match the ones we want for them.
We cannot fake anything with our children so we may as well be honest since they know what we are feeling anyway. It's okay to say "I'm feeling upset now so I'm going to take a minute until I feel better."
The sooner children learn that life will not mold itself to their wishes (so it's a false message to continually try to fulfill their desires), the sooner they can learn to live life on life's terms and be happy.
Children learn what they see so if we are imperfect yet striving to do and be our best, they will learn to strive and when they learn new things, they might sometimes wish they had learned them sooner, however, there is no going back, only forward. The best way to go forward is to keep learning and to share what we have learned so others may learn, too.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Let Our Children Play!
I'm waxing nostalgic today after spending the weekend cleaning out my childhood home. Side by side with my siblings, we dusted off boxes and sorted through stuff and memories. Having eaten Grandma's spaghetti sauce for the last time in that kitchen has left me with a lot more than dinner to digest.
My parents bought the house in 1949 after they got married and my father went to work while my mother stayed at home, eventually caring for eight children. There were many other stay-at-home moms in the neighborhood and we had lots of playmates. In between school, family dinners, weekly visits from the grandparents, chores and Sunday evening bath and pajamas before dinner rituals, we had a lot of playtime. We explored the neighborhood, played organized games, invented games and overall learned about ourselves, other people and life.
We had no idea how lucky we were to be normal children living in a time when normal had a wide range and was something to strive for. Our upbringing taught us to fit in and it also allowed room for each of us 4 boys and 4 girls to be individuals, pursuing our own dreams in our own timeframes. As far as I can tell, everybody is still normal although not alike; we are chipping in for the common good of clearing out the house and taking care of my mother who once took care of us.
When I say normal, I don't mean perfect. We aren't. My childhood had its share of bumps, bruises, bad choices and unfulfilled expectations; that's what makes it so normal; without them I'd be too special to be able to join the group and pitch in, to do my part as child #4 in a litter of 8.
There is a lot of concern today about children's readiness for learning and so the emphasis has shifted away from play to skill-based curriculums and teaching test skills. This is meant to make children advance. Research shows that the more economically-deprived the children, the more emphasis on curriculum which is actually widening the performance gap. Research also indicates that the most important early childhood lesson is self-control. If all other factors are even, it's self-control that will decide who succeeds and who does not.
Three other reasons to bring back play and a developmentally appropriate early childhood curriculum are:
1. The link between violent behavior in young children and lack of developmentally appropriate play
2. The correlation between play and our national genius for inventiveness (that we are emphasizing for our future economy)
3. Play is the best way to teach self-regulation or self control.
There are groups of early childhood educators in Washington, DC and New York City that are gathering to advocate the return of play. For more information, go to these websites:
http://www.npr.org/2011/02/14/133629477/for-kids-self-control-factors-into-future-success
http://www.indefenseofchildhood.org/index.html
http://www.deborahmeier.com/Columns/column06-11.htm
Consider becoming an advocate for children; they are voiceless and activism can make a difference. The research is clear; the American Pediatric Association has come out in favor of play. Children need to learn self control, creativity and to cooperate within a group. Once they are allowed to be normal; children's unique gifts and talents can blossom. I heard it jokingly said that "normal is the new special".
My parents bought the house in 1949 after they got married and my father went to work while my mother stayed at home, eventually caring for eight children. There were many other stay-at-home moms in the neighborhood and we had lots of playmates. In between school, family dinners, weekly visits from the grandparents, chores and Sunday evening bath and pajamas before dinner rituals, we had a lot of playtime. We explored the neighborhood, played organized games, invented games and overall learned about ourselves, other people and life.
We had no idea how lucky we were to be normal children living in a time when normal had a wide range and was something to strive for. Our upbringing taught us to fit in and it also allowed room for each of us 4 boys and 4 girls to be individuals, pursuing our own dreams in our own timeframes. As far as I can tell, everybody is still normal although not alike; we are chipping in for the common good of clearing out the house and taking care of my mother who once took care of us.
When I say normal, I don't mean perfect. We aren't. My childhood had its share of bumps, bruises, bad choices and unfulfilled expectations; that's what makes it so normal; without them I'd be too special to be able to join the group and pitch in, to do my part as child #4 in a litter of 8.
There is a lot of concern today about children's readiness for learning and so the emphasis has shifted away from play to skill-based curriculums and teaching test skills. This is meant to make children advance. Research shows that the more economically-deprived the children, the more emphasis on curriculum which is actually widening the performance gap. Research also indicates that the most important early childhood lesson is self-control. If all other factors are even, it's self-control that will decide who succeeds and who does not.
Three other reasons to bring back play and a developmentally appropriate early childhood curriculum are:
1. The link between violent behavior in young children and lack of developmentally appropriate play
2. The correlation between play and our national genius for inventiveness (that we are emphasizing for our future economy)
3. Play is the best way to teach self-regulation or self control.
There are groups of early childhood educators in Washington, DC and New York City that are gathering to advocate the return of play. For more information, go to these websites:
http://www.npr.org/2011/02/14/133629477/for-kids-self-control-factors-into-future-success
http://www.indefenseofchildhood.org/index.html
http://www.deborahmeier.com/Columns/column06-11.htm
Consider becoming an advocate for children; they are voiceless and activism can make a difference. The research is clear; the American Pediatric Association has come out in favor of play. Children need to learn self control, creativity and to cooperate within a group. Once they are allowed to be normal; children's unique gifts and talents can blossom. I heard it jokingly said that "normal is the new special".
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Adjust Parenting Style for Children's Temperaments
All children are not alike. They come with their own temperaments and respond to stimulus accordingly. The sound in the room that is barely noticable to one child might put another on edge. This has powerful implications for child education. As a teacher and a parent, study of temperaments has always fascinated me and so I was excited to see an article on "The Melancholic Child - Gifts and Challenges" in the Winter issue of Renewal Magazine, the Journal of Waldorf Education.
Rudolf Steiner revived Hippocrates four temperaments as a tool to understand personality, educate children and further self development. This understanding plays a big role in Waldorf education, but it can be difficult to determine a child's temperament in the early childhood years when the child is still so unformed. However, in the 1950's, psychologists studied infants and their response to stimulus. Based on observable behaviors, they found that the infants fit into three categories: flexible, feisty or fearful.
Later research done by Jerome Kagan led to the founding of the temperament studies laboratory at Harvard University and further observation of young children. He found that some children are highly sensitive and have a lower threshold of arousal in certain parts of the brain. Kagan notes that he prefers to hire these adults in his laboratory because they are highly responsible and have great attention to details.
However, this sensitivity in a young child comes along with a host of physical reactions that can be challenging; they include susceptibility to insomnia, colic, high pulse rate and quick reactions to external stimuli. With all of this internal stimulation going on, sensitive children tend to behave in a way that is inhibited when they feel challenged, they often cling to their mothers and act fearful.
This makes the job for parents of hyper-sensitive children challenging for the child's insecurity often triggers the parents' questioning of their parenting choices or feeling insecure. How to help the sensitive child become self-soothing and learn to cope? Fortunately, research has been done about parenting the fearful, withdrawing and hyper-sensitive child. Doreen Arcus found that the protective style of parenting (often triggered by the child's reactions)increases the uncertainty of the sensitive child whereas a limit-setting style reduces inhibitions and fearfulness.
More research indicated that sensitive children who are in day care are less fearful by four-years-old than those who stayed home with their mothers. This is attributed to the more objective and limit-setting milieu of a child care setting. Setting limits with a child who is withdrawn, crying and fearful is very difficult for parents but a caring teacher can be a great help at these times. Being a child care provider, I considered leaving this part out, but that might be an over-reaction, a sign of hyper-sensitivity.
Instead, I suggest you make your own observations and experiments to see what proves true for you. First notice your own reaction to your child's reactions. Are you over-protective? Then see if by cultivating objectivity and using limit-setting with kindness, you can help your child become self-soothing and gain an important life skill. Your child will love you for it.
Rudolf Steiner revived Hippocrates four temperaments as a tool to understand personality, educate children and further self development. This understanding plays a big role in Waldorf education, but it can be difficult to determine a child's temperament in the early childhood years when the child is still so unformed. However, in the 1950's, psychologists studied infants and their response to stimulus. Based on observable behaviors, they found that the infants fit into three categories: flexible, feisty or fearful.
Later research done by Jerome Kagan led to the founding of the temperament studies laboratory at Harvard University and further observation of young children. He found that some children are highly sensitive and have a lower threshold of arousal in certain parts of the brain. Kagan notes that he prefers to hire these adults in his laboratory because they are highly responsible and have great attention to details.
However, this sensitivity in a young child comes along with a host of physical reactions that can be challenging; they include susceptibility to insomnia, colic, high pulse rate and quick reactions to external stimuli. With all of this internal stimulation going on, sensitive children tend to behave in a way that is inhibited when they feel challenged, they often cling to their mothers and act fearful.
This makes the job for parents of hyper-sensitive children challenging for the child's insecurity often triggers the parents' questioning of their parenting choices or feeling insecure. How to help the sensitive child become self-soothing and learn to cope? Fortunately, research has been done about parenting the fearful, withdrawing and hyper-sensitive child. Doreen Arcus found that the protective style of parenting (often triggered by the child's reactions)increases the uncertainty of the sensitive child whereas a limit-setting style reduces inhibitions and fearfulness.
More research indicated that sensitive children who are in day care are less fearful by four-years-old than those who stayed home with their mothers. This is attributed to the more objective and limit-setting milieu of a child care setting. Setting limits with a child who is withdrawn, crying and fearful is very difficult for parents but a caring teacher can be a great help at these times. Being a child care provider, I considered leaving this part out, but that might be an over-reaction, a sign of hyper-sensitivity.
Instead, I suggest you make your own observations and experiments to see what proves true for you. First notice your own reaction to your child's reactions. Are you over-protective? Then see if by cultivating objectivity and using limit-setting with kindness, you can help your child become self-soothing and gain an important life skill. Your child will love you for it.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
A Great Gift Parents Can Give to their Children
Stephanie Neikirk-Epes, assistant director at the Rose Garden Early Childhood Center gave a lecture on "Schooling the Will" on Thursday, November 4th. She wrote this blog highlighting a point from the lecture; one that inspired discussion and touched the souls of those present. Stephanie's words are as follows.
At this time of year, things get busy. In all the hurry and excitement of preparations and parties, we can feel resentment, tiredness, resistance and even anger. There are normal human emotions. But they can be especially disturbing when we feel them toward our own children. Of course, paradoxically - or perhaps not so - children can get anxious and become more clingy or more demanding if they sense our discomfort with our own feelings.
Children directly perceive our feeling life even if we don't talk about it with them. They directly perceive our feeling life even if we don't acknowledge how we feel, even if we don't accept how we feel. And because they learn by imitation, they imitate what they experience with and within us. Walt Whitman artistically describes this process.
There Was a Child Went Forth
There was a child went forth every day;
And the first object he look'd uon, that object he became;
And that object became part of him for the day, or a certain part of
the day, or for many years, or stretching cycles of years.
The mother at home, quietly placing the dishes on the supper-table;
The mother with mild words - clean her cap and gown, a wholesome odor falling off her person and clothes as she walks by;
The father, strong, self-sufficient, manly, mean, anger'd, unjust;
The blow, the quick loud word, the right bargain, the crafty lure,
The family usages, the language, the company, the furniture - the yearning and swelling heart.
Affection that will not be gainsay'd - the sense of what is real - the thought if, after all, it should prove unreal.
The doubts of day-time and the doubts of night-time - the curious whether and how,
Whether that which appears so is so, or is it all flashes and specks?
We may or may not be like these archetypal parents, but the process of internalization for the child is the same...children internalize the world around them. They internalize without question or judgment both our feeling life AND our reaction to our feeling life. When we acknowledge the truth of our feelings/needs we teach our children to be honest, to accept who and what it means to be human. Clarifying all of this requires reflection, inner work - parenting is a meditative exercise.
So, if we find ourselves angry at our chilren, resentful, or tired, this is a sign that we need to create an adult only time and place as a down to earth way to meet a genuine human need.
We need to be comfortable with the truth that we each need a space for ourselves. If we can feel ok with this, our children will grow up with the idea that it's right for an adult to have boundaries, to want and need personal time and space. They will grow up knowing how to create this health-giving space for themselves.
This is a gift we can right now give our children for their future health.
At this time of year, things get busy. In all the hurry and excitement of preparations and parties, we can feel resentment, tiredness, resistance and even anger. There are normal human emotions. But they can be especially disturbing when we feel them toward our own children. Of course, paradoxically - or perhaps not so - children can get anxious and become more clingy or more demanding if they sense our discomfort with our own feelings.
Children directly perceive our feeling life even if we don't talk about it with them. They directly perceive our feeling life even if we don't acknowledge how we feel, even if we don't accept how we feel. And because they learn by imitation, they imitate what they experience with and within us. Walt Whitman artistically describes this process.
There Was a Child Went Forth
There was a child went forth every day;
And the first object he look'd uon, that object he became;
And that object became part of him for the day, or a certain part of
the day, or for many years, or stretching cycles of years.
The mother at home, quietly placing the dishes on the supper-table;
The mother with mild words - clean her cap and gown, a wholesome odor falling off her person and clothes as she walks by;
The father, strong, self-sufficient, manly, mean, anger'd, unjust;
The blow, the quick loud word, the right bargain, the crafty lure,
The family usages, the language, the company, the furniture - the yearning and swelling heart.
Affection that will not be gainsay'd - the sense of what is real - the thought if, after all, it should prove unreal.
The doubts of day-time and the doubts of night-time - the curious whether and how,
Whether that which appears so is so, or is it all flashes and specks?
We may or may not be like these archetypal parents, but the process of internalization for the child is the same...children internalize the world around them. They internalize without question or judgment both our feeling life AND our reaction to our feeling life. When we acknowledge the truth of our feelings/needs we teach our children to be honest, to accept who and what it means to be human. Clarifying all of this requires reflection, inner work - parenting is a meditative exercise.
So, if we find ourselves angry at our chilren, resentful, or tired, this is a sign that we need to create an adult only time and place as a down to earth way to meet a genuine human need.
We need to be comfortable with the truth that we each need a space for ourselves. If we can feel ok with this, our children will grow up with the idea that it's right for an adult to have boundaries, to want and need personal time and space. They will grow up knowing how to create this health-giving space for themselves.
This is a gift we can right now give our children for their future health.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Is There such a Thing as Necessary Stress?
During this time of year, when we are entering the darkest days that come just before we celebrate the return of the light, I've noticed that it is a difficult transition for many people. It definitely helps to focus on the celebration of the light, to know that this will pass and that it is part of the greater order of things. That's how it is with all transitions; they have a degree of difficulty and it's best to focus on where we are headed, beginning with getting out of bed in the morning.
When we are consciously aware of changes in nature and how they affect us, we can help our children, many who are sensitive to these transitions. I've observed that during this season, children are often tired and unsettled because their experience of life is limited so they look to the adults to frame their experiences, to mirror back for them that everything is going to be alright. For all they know, maybe it will be dark everyday at 5:00 p.m. and summer will never return. Without knowing it, children might experience fear and manifest it by being a little crabby. What do we do when our children (given they are not getting sick) cry about putting on their coats, getting in the car or saying good-bye to parents who are leaving for work?
First, it makes sense to quickly check for signs of illness and if wellness is determined, then it's a good idea to acknowledge feelings. "Yes, that's a little uncomfortable, but we are going to wear our jackets on this blustery day. Let me help you put your arm in the sleeve". That's the thing about discomfort or stress, it's best to acknowledge it and to go forward with sensitivity, but if going forward is the best thing, to go forward nonetheless.
One never succeeds in making big changes in one's ife without enduring some discomfort or stress in the process. It's learning to manage that stress that prepares one to receive the rewards of success, becoming strong enough to handle life on life's terms. Now, with our children, we are often less willing to allow life to happen on life's terms bringing with it necessary stresses. However, when we keep trying to avoid any stress or discomfort, we give our children the message that we think they are incapable of learning to manage the situation.
With conscious effort, we can feel alright about allowing our children to experience doses of stress; knowing that they serve a greater good like a goal in our children's learning and development. This is how children find out what they are capable of and grow self-confident in the process. For those who are watching a child experience difficulties, keeping your eye on the goal helps; that's why we focus on the celebration of the light as we go into the darkest days of the year. Yes, it is not easy to witness our children experience stress and discomfort but it is necessary.
I heard these inspiring words from Leonard Perlmutter in a yoga class not too long ago: "Stress and pain are shadows of the outstretched hand of the Divine Reality asking you to make a change that will help you fulfill the purpose of your life."
When we are consciously aware of changes in nature and how they affect us, we can help our children, many who are sensitive to these transitions. I've observed that during this season, children are often tired and unsettled because their experience of life is limited so they look to the adults to frame their experiences, to mirror back for them that everything is going to be alright. For all they know, maybe it will be dark everyday at 5:00 p.m. and summer will never return. Without knowing it, children might experience fear and manifest it by being a little crabby. What do we do when our children (given they are not getting sick) cry about putting on their coats, getting in the car or saying good-bye to parents who are leaving for work?
First, it makes sense to quickly check for signs of illness and if wellness is determined, then it's a good idea to acknowledge feelings. "Yes, that's a little uncomfortable, but we are going to wear our jackets on this blustery day. Let me help you put your arm in the sleeve". That's the thing about discomfort or stress, it's best to acknowledge it and to go forward with sensitivity, but if going forward is the best thing, to go forward nonetheless.
One never succeeds in making big changes in one's ife without enduring some discomfort or stress in the process. It's learning to manage that stress that prepares one to receive the rewards of success, becoming strong enough to handle life on life's terms. Now, with our children, we are often less willing to allow life to happen on life's terms bringing with it necessary stresses. However, when we keep trying to avoid any stress or discomfort, we give our children the message that we think they are incapable of learning to manage the situation.
With conscious effort, we can feel alright about allowing our children to experience doses of stress; knowing that they serve a greater good like a goal in our children's learning and development. This is how children find out what they are capable of and grow self-confident in the process. For those who are watching a child experience difficulties, keeping your eye on the goal helps; that's why we focus on the celebration of the light as we go into the darkest days of the year. Yes, it is not easy to witness our children experience stress and discomfort but it is necessary.
I heard these inspiring words from Leonard Perlmutter in a yoga class not too long ago: "Stress and pain are shadows of the outstretched hand of the Divine Reality asking you to make a change that will help you fulfill the purpose of your life."
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Conflict as a means to Growth
Most of us would have to admit that when we find ourselves surrounded by happy children, flowers and sunshine; we wish such a moment would never end. But then the children start to quarrel or we pick a flower that has thorns, the sun goes behind the clouds and maybe it even starts to rain. What do we do then?
The answer to that question makes all the difference. If we conclude, that the moment of conflict or strife should not be happening, we hinder our ability to address it. Let's face it, conflicts do happen and we are better off if we accept that fact and invest our energy into exploring productive ways to address conflict.
Barbara Ehrensafts writes "In human relationships, the act of reparation, making good on something that did not initially go well, is far better for character building than providing our children with a conflict-free, idyllic, 'perfect' childhood." But how do we address conflict in such a way that it becomes an opportunity for learning and growth?
Resources For Infant Educators (RIE) founder, Magda Gerber, encourages caregivers to learn to step back from intervening too soon and smoothing obstacles for our children. She says, "To respect your child is to create a little distance so that you refrain from interfering with her experience of encountering life...RIE's respectiful approach encourages a child's authenticity, or genuineness." Imagine that, allowing our children to experience bumps, obstacles, and conflicts in life, is respecting the child.
Children are immature social beings and engage in conflict as a normal behavior, due to their limited language skills and self-control. RIE educators, DA Ros and Kovach wrote an article called: "Assisting Toddlers and Caregivers during Conflict Resolutions: Interactions that promote Socialization". In that article, they cite examples as when a toddler wants something that is in the hands of another child and grabs it from him. Typical adult reactions are: to take away the toy that is causing the conflict, to sympathize with the child who had the toy taken away, to ignore the whole matter or to move in closer in order to observe the situation, how the children might resolve it themselves and be available should one child start to hit the other. I've seen masterful caregivers engage in the last option.
The caregiver's response is largely based on the caregiver's beliefs about conflict and its resolution, the caregiver's level of anxiety about toddlers and safety during conflict and the caregiver's choices concerning interventions in disputes. So if we can accept that conflict is normal, quell our anxiety about our child getting hurt and learn some conflict resolution tools, we will have choices available to us. Then we can respond rather than react to a situation and respect our child's ability to meet life.
Two sources for information about conflict resolution techniques are: Kim John Payne and Marshall B Rosenberg. Payne is a psychologist and former Waldorf teacher who lectures worldwide on parenting and education, recommending a more direct approach to conflicts among children of all ages. He encourages adults to engage with conflict rather than immediately separating chilren when they are arguing. In his lecture entitled "When Push comes to Love: How to Raise Civilized Children in an Uncivilized World", he recommends that by helping children work out conflicts, we give them a sense of who they are in relation to others. More of Payne's wisdom is available in his latest book, "Simplicity Parenting".
Marshall B. Rosenberg is known for his nonviolent communication techniques which are designed to strengthen our ability to remain open, human, authentic and responsive in the face of conflicts. Rosenberg, like all the above mentioned conflict resolution experts recommends that the way to peace is not to go away from conflict. It's not to try to manipulate or force solutions; it's to get close, listen and make choices from a non-violent or peaceful stance.
That peacefulness, you guessed it, begins witin each one of us and the trick is to sustain it, even in the face of conflict.
The answer to that question makes all the difference. If we conclude, that the moment of conflict or strife should not be happening, we hinder our ability to address it. Let's face it, conflicts do happen and we are better off if we accept that fact and invest our energy into exploring productive ways to address conflict.
Barbara Ehrensafts writes "In human relationships, the act of reparation, making good on something that did not initially go well, is far better for character building than providing our children with a conflict-free, idyllic, 'perfect' childhood." But how do we address conflict in such a way that it becomes an opportunity for learning and growth?
Resources For Infant Educators (RIE) founder, Magda Gerber, encourages caregivers to learn to step back from intervening too soon and smoothing obstacles for our children. She says, "To respect your child is to create a little distance so that you refrain from interfering with her experience of encountering life...RIE's respectiful approach encourages a child's authenticity, or genuineness." Imagine that, allowing our children to experience bumps, obstacles, and conflicts in life, is respecting the child.
Children are immature social beings and engage in conflict as a normal behavior, due to their limited language skills and self-control. RIE educators, DA Ros and Kovach wrote an article called: "Assisting Toddlers and Caregivers during Conflict Resolutions: Interactions that promote Socialization". In that article, they cite examples as when a toddler wants something that is in the hands of another child and grabs it from him. Typical adult reactions are: to take away the toy that is causing the conflict, to sympathize with the child who had the toy taken away, to ignore the whole matter or to move in closer in order to observe the situation, how the children might resolve it themselves and be available should one child start to hit the other. I've seen masterful caregivers engage in the last option.
The caregiver's response is largely based on the caregiver's beliefs about conflict and its resolution, the caregiver's level of anxiety about toddlers and safety during conflict and the caregiver's choices concerning interventions in disputes. So if we can accept that conflict is normal, quell our anxiety about our child getting hurt and learn some conflict resolution tools, we will have choices available to us. Then we can respond rather than react to a situation and respect our child's ability to meet life.
Two sources for information about conflict resolution techniques are: Kim John Payne and Marshall B Rosenberg. Payne is a psychologist and former Waldorf teacher who lectures worldwide on parenting and education, recommending a more direct approach to conflicts among children of all ages. He encourages adults to engage with conflict rather than immediately separating chilren when they are arguing. In his lecture entitled "When Push comes to Love: How to Raise Civilized Children in an Uncivilized World", he recommends that by helping children work out conflicts, we give them a sense of who they are in relation to others. More of Payne's wisdom is available in his latest book, "Simplicity Parenting".
Marshall B. Rosenberg is known for his nonviolent communication techniques which are designed to strengthen our ability to remain open, human, authentic and responsive in the face of conflicts. Rosenberg, like all the above mentioned conflict resolution experts recommends that the way to peace is not to go away from conflict. It's not to try to manipulate or force solutions; it's to get close, listen and make choices from a non-violent or peaceful stance.
That peacefulness, you guessed it, begins witin each one of us and the trick is to sustain it, even in the face of conflict.
Friday, September 24, 2010
Cultivating Hope
Underlying human adult endeavor, there must be a sense of hope that one's actions can make a difference. Without hope, the range of possibilities narrows and any risky endeavor or new learning tends to be avoided. Motivation decreases, cynicism grows and the spirit of "why bother?" prevails.
On the other hand, when hopeful that good things can and do happen, motivation tends to be high as well as confidence and positivity, fundamental qualitites for success. Children are innately hopeful unless burdened by adult problems and situations beyond their control. What can a child do about adult problems? They are not equipped to handle them yet so in order to allow a spirit of hopefulness to grow in children, we consciously shield them from the problems that adults face and present to them a picture that the world is good. This takes conscious effort on the part of adults - to avoid the news or dicussion of problems in the presence of the children.
When a child experiences an environment imbued with caring, joyfulness and peace as well a reassuringly steady rhythm, a child maintains a spirit of hopefulness. Just like the tender sapling must be protected from strong winds and frosts in order to grow into a healthy plant, the young child must be protected, too. Then when the child grows up and is physically, emotionally and mentally equipped to address adult problems, actions are then inspired by hopefulness. In this way, we cultivate adults prepared to make a difference, who remember how good the world can be and strive to make it better.
On the other hand, when hopeful that good things can and do happen, motivation tends to be high as well as confidence and positivity, fundamental qualitites for success. Children are innately hopeful unless burdened by adult problems and situations beyond their control. What can a child do about adult problems? They are not equipped to handle them yet so in order to allow a spirit of hopefulness to grow in children, we consciously shield them from the problems that adults face and present to them a picture that the world is good. This takes conscious effort on the part of adults - to avoid the news or dicussion of problems in the presence of the children.
When a child experiences an environment imbued with caring, joyfulness and peace as well a reassuringly steady rhythm, a child maintains a spirit of hopefulness. Just like the tender sapling must be protected from strong winds and frosts in order to grow into a healthy plant, the young child must be protected, too. Then when the child grows up and is physically, emotionally and mentally equipped to address adult problems, actions are then inspired by hopefulness. In this way, we cultivate adults prepared to make a difference, who remember how good the world can be and strive to make it better.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Organic Produce and Consciousness Dogs
In conversations lately, I have been reminded me of a few images that I have been thinking about while walking the dog, gardening or driving in my car. I'll share those images and then explain how they fit together with regards to parenting.
One is a picture of organic produce. It's not only healthier because it is not pesticide-laden, it's healthier because while fending off pests, it becomes more anti-oxidant rich. The value of organic produce comes not only from what is missing but from its increased nutritional value. Learning to face adversity strengthens the organism.
The second picture is one about two voices in our consciousness depicted as hungry dogs vying for food in the form of our attention. One dog feeds on fear, habits and negativity. The other feeds on love, possibility and hope. Which dogs grows in our consciousness? Simply said, it's the one we feed with our thoughts, consciously or not.
How do these images relate? Children experience bumps, bruises and conflicts while growing up, helping them become strong and resilient. While children experience challenges, the adults need to work to consciously choose responses. Do we feed the dog of fear and habit or do we feed the dog of possibility, of the value born of adversity? Positive affirmations give children the sense that they can come through whatever it is they are experiencing. When a child falls we can say, "That scrape hurts, let's clean it and put on some boo-boo cream. You are a quick healer, it'll be better soon."
If we react with fear on the other hand when a child gets scraped, we reinforce to the child that we do not trust their resiliency, we are not sure they can heal, that they can handle life's bumps. Since we can never protect children from all that will come and eventually, we won't be there with them, it's important to give children positive messages while they are young.
Choose the environment for your child carefully. Expect bumps and bruises. Affirm the child's strength when they experience physical or emotional discomfort.
Organic produce requires enough sun, water and good soil to be able to ward off pests. Children require much the same on the physical realm but they are also strongly influenced by the quality of our consciousness. Adults' sunny gaze (consciously chosen to reflect all is well) feeds children as does the good soil of healthy experiences, but passing showers and storms also have an impact in developing strong, capable and resilient children.
Think about organic produce when your child is learning to cope with pests and the two dogs in your consciousness when you are responding, feeding the dog of your choice rather than habit.
One is a picture of organic produce. It's not only healthier because it is not pesticide-laden, it's healthier because while fending off pests, it becomes more anti-oxidant rich. The value of organic produce comes not only from what is missing but from its increased nutritional value. Learning to face adversity strengthens the organism.
The second picture is one about two voices in our consciousness depicted as hungry dogs vying for food in the form of our attention. One dog feeds on fear, habits and negativity. The other feeds on love, possibility and hope. Which dogs grows in our consciousness? Simply said, it's the one we feed with our thoughts, consciously or not.
How do these images relate? Children experience bumps, bruises and conflicts while growing up, helping them become strong and resilient. While children experience challenges, the adults need to work to consciously choose responses. Do we feed the dog of fear and habit or do we feed the dog of possibility, of the value born of adversity? Positive affirmations give children the sense that they can come through whatever it is they are experiencing. When a child falls we can say, "That scrape hurts, let's clean it and put on some boo-boo cream. You are a quick healer, it'll be better soon."
If we react with fear on the other hand when a child gets scraped, we reinforce to the child that we do not trust their resiliency, we are not sure they can heal, that they can handle life's bumps. Since we can never protect children from all that will come and eventually, we won't be there with them, it's important to give children positive messages while they are young.
Choose the environment for your child carefully. Expect bumps and bruises. Affirm the child's strength when they experience physical or emotional discomfort.
Organic produce requires enough sun, water and good soil to be able to ward off pests. Children require much the same on the physical realm but they are also strongly influenced by the quality of our consciousness. Adults' sunny gaze (consciously chosen to reflect all is well) feeds children as does the good soil of healthy experiences, but passing showers and storms also have an impact in developing strong, capable and resilient children.
Think about organic produce when your child is learning to cope with pests and the two dogs in your consciousness when you are responding, feeding the dog of your choice rather than habit.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
The effects of Praising our Children
The other day during yoga class, my thoughts wandered away from the inner experience I was having (which is the point of yoga) into the realm of what the teacher thought about my postures. Did she think they were good, possibly better than others? It's embarrassing to admit this and I had to laugh at myself, but this awareness led me to think about dependency on external validation and where that comes from.
I think we all like to know that we are doing well and are appreciated for our work, and on the same token, praise cannot be the driving force behind our actions. When we do not seek or need approval, we are free to develop instrinsic motivation and strengthen a sense of satisfaction within ourselves; free from rising and falling according to external validation. This is the path to self-mastery - the highest objective of education that facilates the achievement of all other goals.
Rather than self mastery, praise takes us outside of ourselves and into the realm of external judgments, leading toward dependency and a weakening of the relationship to our selves. Have you ever noticed how frequently children hear "good job" these days? It's become a habit, the mantra of our children's lives and due to overuse, it has lost its meaning - to point out that something extraordinary has been achieved.
Think of the difference between hearing "good job" and an affirmative statement like, "Now the job is done" or "You have put on your shoes". "Good job" puts the focus on the child and the affirmative statement puts the focus on the work, allowing the child to appreciate what's been done rather than appreciating someone else's appreciation of them. Do you hear the difference?
It's a good idea to examine our habits every now and then, considering their effects and then make conscious choices. I'm grateful that my yoga teacher does not comment on my postures, feeding into any dependency on other's approval. Instead at the end of the class, she thanks us for sharing our practice. In that way, we are all validated for the work we have done together and any sense of accomplishment is based on having done the work rather than how well we have done it. We become observers of ourselves and can then make adjustments accordingly. This is not only validating but also strengthening.
As we walk the conscious parenting path, thank you for sharing this blog.
I think we all like to know that we are doing well and are appreciated for our work, and on the same token, praise cannot be the driving force behind our actions. When we do not seek or need approval, we are free to develop instrinsic motivation and strengthen a sense of satisfaction within ourselves; free from rising and falling according to external validation. This is the path to self-mastery - the highest objective of education that facilates the achievement of all other goals.
Rather than self mastery, praise takes us outside of ourselves and into the realm of external judgments, leading toward dependency and a weakening of the relationship to our selves. Have you ever noticed how frequently children hear "good job" these days? It's become a habit, the mantra of our children's lives and due to overuse, it has lost its meaning - to point out that something extraordinary has been achieved.
Think of the difference between hearing "good job" and an affirmative statement like, "Now the job is done" or "You have put on your shoes". "Good job" puts the focus on the child and the affirmative statement puts the focus on the work, allowing the child to appreciate what's been done rather than appreciating someone else's appreciation of them. Do you hear the difference?
It's a good idea to examine our habits every now and then, considering their effects and then make conscious choices. I'm grateful that my yoga teacher does not comment on my postures, feeding into any dependency on other's approval. Instead at the end of the class, she thanks us for sharing our practice. In that way, we are all validated for the work we have done together and any sense of accomplishment is based on having done the work rather than how well we have done it. We become observers of ourselves and can then make adjustments accordingly. This is not only validating but also strengthening.
As we walk the conscious parenting path, thank you for sharing this blog.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Intentional Mothering
I witness a lot of great mothering and in this month of Mother's Day, I've been thinking about what it takes to be a good mother.
There are two primary aspects of mothering that might seem at first contradictory. One is pulling the child close to us and the other involves letting the child go. For many, the nurturing part is the easiest and these mothers intuitively know how to hold, feed and soothe their infants. The challenging part of mothering often involves letting our children experience frustration, stepping back and watching so our children can learn and grow. Like the mama bird who pushes her babies our of the nest so they can learn to fly, the ultimate goal of mothering is to produce an independent human being in the end.
That's where the intentional part comes in. Intentional or conscious mothering involves remembering that the goal is independence and so making decisions that encourage strength and independence often born of frustration and then staying the course.
A few months ago, a family chose the Center for their young child so mom could go back to work part-time. She knew we offered what she wanted for her child and she also knew her child. He wants what he wants and most of the time, he wants his mother. However, she decided that it was ok for him to spend 12 hours a week away from his mother in a warm and nurturing environment.
She decided that she would allow him to experience the frustration of having his needs but not his wants met so he could become strong and independent. Of course, his cries touched her heart but did not diminish her resolve. She kept the goal in mind, gave him lots of love when they were together and let him have his morning cry. Eventually, he stopped crying and when we did, the sight of his smile is like a ray of golden sunshine beaming from his confident little self.
I told this mother that if we had a mother of the year award, we would give it to her. She mothers with instinctual nurturing as well as consciously allowing her son to separate from her in order to make steps toward independence. That selflessness is at the core of intentional mothering and it takes a lot of heart and a clear head.
What a joy to witness and a model to learn from!
There are two primary aspects of mothering that might seem at first contradictory. One is pulling the child close to us and the other involves letting the child go. For many, the nurturing part is the easiest and these mothers intuitively know how to hold, feed and soothe their infants. The challenging part of mothering often involves letting our children experience frustration, stepping back and watching so our children can learn and grow. Like the mama bird who pushes her babies our of the nest so they can learn to fly, the ultimate goal of mothering is to produce an independent human being in the end.
That's where the intentional part comes in. Intentional or conscious mothering involves remembering that the goal is independence and so making decisions that encourage strength and independence often born of frustration and then staying the course.
A few months ago, a family chose the Center for their young child so mom could go back to work part-time. She knew we offered what she wanted for her child and she also knew her child. He wants what he wants and most of the time, he wants his mother. However, she decided that it was ok for him to spend 12 hours a week away from his mother in a warm and nurturing environment.
She decided that she would allow him to experience the frustration of having his needs but not his wants met so he could become strong and independent. Of course, his cries touched her heart but did not diminish her resolve. She kept the goal in mind, gave him lots of love when they were together and let him have his morning cry. Eventually, he stopped crying and when we did, the sight of his smile is like a ray of golden sunshine beaming from his confident little self.
I told this mother that if we had a mother of the year award, we would give it to her. She mothers with instinctual nurturing as well as consciously allowing her son to separate from her in order to make steps toward independence. That selflessness is at the core of intentional mothering and it takes a lot of heart and a clear head.
What a joy to witness and a model to learn from!
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Can too much Sympathy weaken a Child's will forces?
I make dinner every week night because it's good for my family's healthy, the environment and the local food producers and markets. These are the things that I bear in mind to motivate myself even when I don't feel like cooking. I've observed that my motivation is closely linked to what I tell myself. If I engage in thinking that it's a big chore to buy groceries, create balanced menus and cook meals, it becomes difficult to complete this task and I might entertain thoughts about the values of take-out food.
Do you see where I am going? My thoughts about any task at hand can serve to inspire or weaken my resolve. It's up to me to choose them carefully. The same holds true for our children whose thoughts echo our words. I've heard (and have been there done that) well meaning parents speak to their child with a lot of sympathy, expressing sentiments along these lines: I know it is hard to be away from your mother, or eat your lunch, or put on your sweater. Then the child's will forces engage to resist the task at hand rather than work with us to get it done and our original thought (that it might be a difficult task) is reinforced.
Unwittingly, we sabotage our objectives with too much sympathy. We so love our children and want to do what is right by them that we can give them what they want instead of what they need. Consider your words carefully and as important, the sentiments that you are holding behind them. If the task is too much to ask your child then why ask it of him or her? However, if you have decided that it is an appropriate (or possibly necessary) request, there is no need to be conflicted about it. It's cold and we are going to wear our coats today.
Speak in positive affirmative statements. We are putting on our coats now. One arm and then the other. Let's find your hand! It's ever amusing to put your arm into a coatsleeve and then see your hand come out the other side. Be playful but focused on the task. It is your resolve, your focus and your affirmative statements that give your child the strength of will to work together with you to accomplish the deed.
Refrain from being overly sympathetic or sentimental about your child's experiences. Yes, children are small, vulnerable and have a lot to learn. Life is demanding and there are moments (for example,a boo-boo) when sympathy is appropriate, but dole it out consciously. Overall children can meet the challenges that come up. They are capable of learning to cope and doing what needs to be done.
Don't take my word for this, but conduct an experiment of your own. The next time you are about to do a routine life task (e.e. making dinner) tell your self how hard it is and feel sorry for yourself for having to do it. Then notice what happens to your motivation. Try another time to tell yourself what a noble deed it is to cook and how the energy of the cook affects the food and its overall energetic value and how much you value having enough energy to do what you want to do.
If you notice the affect of sympathy vs. resolve in your self, pay attention to what you are communicating to your child and consider that by being overly sympathetic, you might be inadvertently weakening your child's will forces.
Do you see where I am going? My thoughts about any task at hand can serve to inspire or weaken my resolve. It's up to me to choose them carefully. The same holds true for our children whose thoughts echo our words. I've heard (and have been there done that) well meaning parents speak to their child with a lot of sympathy, expressing sentiments along these lines: I know it is hard to be away from your mother, or eat your lunch, or put on your sweater. Then the child's will forces engage to resist the task at hand rather than work with us to get it done and our original thought (that it might be a difficult task) is reinforced.
Unwittingly, we sabotage our objectives with too much sympathy. We so love our children and want to do what is right by them that we can give them what they want instead of what they need. Consider your words carefully and as important, the sentiments that you are holding behind them. If the task is too much to ask your child then why ask it of him or her? However, if you have decided that it is an appropriate (or possibly necessary) request, there is no need to be conflicted about it. It's cold and we are going to wear our coats today.
Speak in positive affirmative statements. We are putting on our coats now. One arm and then the other. Let's find your hand! It's ever amusing to put your arm into a coatsleeve and then see your hand come out the other side. Be playful but focused on the task. It is your resolve, your focus and your affirmative statements that give your child the strength of will to work together with you to accomplish the deed.
Refrain from being overly sympathetic or sentimental about your child's experiences. Yes, children are small, vulnerable and have a lot to learn. Life is demanding and there are moments (for example,a boo-boo) when sympathy is appropriate, but dole it out consciously. Overall children can meet the challenges that come up. They are capable of learning to cope and doing what needs to be done.
Don't take my word for this, but conduct an experiment of your own. The next time you are about to do a routine life task (e.e. making dinner) tell your self how hard it is and feel sorry for yourself for having to do it. Then notice what happens to your motivation. Try another time to tell yourself what a noble deed it is to cook and how the energy of the cook affects the food and its overall energetic value and how much you value having enough energy to do what you want to do.
If you notice the affect of sympathy vs. resolve in your self, pay attention to what you are communicating to your child and consider that by being overly sympathetic, you might be inadvertently weakening your child's will forces.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
The "Doing" aspect of Talent and Intelligence
Last Sunday, I read a review of a book called: The Genius in All of Us: Why Everything You've been Told about Genetics, Talent and IQ is Wrong. In it, David Shenk makes a strong case for the reciprocity of the nature vs. nurture equation, suggesting that nature is dynamic and responds to nurturing. He posits that genes are not the blueprint for a human being that we once thought they were. Talent is not a "gift" that we are given (or not), it's rather something that is cultivated based on what we do. Talent or exceptional ability is not connected to innate capabilities alone, it is the product of highly concentrated effort.
Brain wiring is the result of our actions; for example, if we spend our time playing the violin, we have a brain wired for violin playing or if we spend a lot of time watching television, our brain is also wired for that activity, in other words, what we do affects what we become. To that end, it's important to engage children in constructive activities that might be difficult for them and to step back when children struggle so the child learns how to learn, learns that failure is a part of the process. It is key, however, that the activity is age-appropriate, one that the child is developmentally capable of learning.
Each aspect of our humanity has an optimal window for development. The time to be an active participant in life, the time to train the will forces is early childhood. It's when children need a curriculum that is rhythmic, consistent and activity-oriented. To train the will forces is to teach self-discipline, which is a prerequisite for success in anything, even more so than talent if you agree with Shenk.
This outlook turns old ideas of genius upside down and supports the importance of training, of parenting, of appropriate teaching. My child is "gifted" is not enough (perhaps it even thwarts development by downplaying the importance of consistent practice), it's better to celebrate that my child does something regularly. It begins with simple tasks that are repeated to gain proficiency, for example setting the table, building with blocks and then putting them away, or washing a dish. The reviewer suggests that talent is not a thing, but a process, not something we have, but something we do.
You'd be amazed at what I see small children do every day. They are so capable! By participating in every day tasks, they are strengthening the muscle for deeds, for practicing their talents and it's practice that leads to greatness. I am relieved that Shenk suggests an end to the conflict between nature and nurture and we can now speak about the interaction between nature and nurture.
What a golden opportunity we have in early childhood to teach young children to do what needs to be done; now that's a gift.
Brain wiring is the result of our actions; for example, if we spend our time playing the violin, we have a brain wired for violin playing or if we spend a lot of time watching television, our brain is also wired for that activity, in other words, what we do affects what we become. To that end, it's important to engage children in constructive activities that might be difficult for them and to step back when children struggle so the child learns how to learn, learns that failure is a part of the process. It is key, however, that the activity is age-appropriate, one that the child is developmentally capable of learning.
Each aspect of our humanity has an optimal window for development. The time to be an active participant in life, the time to train the will forces is early childhood. It's when children need a curriculum that is rhythmic, consistent and activity-oriented. To train the will forces is to teach self-discipline, which is a prerequisite for success in anything, even more so than talent if you agree with Shenk.
This outlook turns old ideas of genius upside down and supports the importance of training, of parenting, of appropriate teaching. My child is "gifted" is not enough (perhaps it even thwarts development by downplaying the importance of consistent practice), it's better to celebrate that my child does something regularly. It begins with simple tasks that are repeated to gain proficiency, for example setting the table, building with blocks and then putting them away, or washing a dish. The reviewer suggests that talent is not a thing, but a process, not something we have, but something we do.
You'd be amazed at what I see small children do every day. They are so capable! By participating in every day tasks, they are strengthening the muscle for deeds, for practicing their talents and it's practice that leads to greatness. I am relieved that Shenk suggests an end to the conflict between nature and nurture and we can now speak about the interaction between nature and nurture.
What a golden opportunity we have in early childhood to teach young children to do what needs to be done; now that's a gift.
Friday, February 19, 2010
A Culture of Care
Since the idea of the Rose Garden Early Childhood Center began growing in a group of people, we have discussed the concept of creating a culture of care. We imagined what it would look and feel like to be in such an environment and how essential it would be to extend the circle of care to include not only the children but everyone -teachers, parents, visitors, our Center "home" and the greater environment.
In this way, our care for the children would be authentic. Children have a nose for authenticity; they intuitively recognize truth. If we were to care for the children well but then avoid a colleague in need or even fail to greet the postman delivering a package, we would ultimately compromise the children's care. We would disturb the flow of caring energy that would then make it more difficult for us to do our work.
We were convinced that a culture of care would not only improve the quality of our work, it would feed the caregivers as well. For care to flow out into our work, we must first fill ourselves up so that it overflows from us and then like a fountain, pools at our feet, available to us to energize our heads, hearts and hands. It must be a full circle of care to be truly effective.
I knew we would be testing this theory when we opened the Center last fall and began the practice of providing child care and preschool programs. There have been moments since then when I have noticed: Yes, this is care in action. This is how it feels. This is what we were going for and it brings me great joy. The following are a few of these moments when the culture of care has made itself known in this circle of women caring for children together, caring for each other and caring for the Center we have created.
One afternoon, a few women were in the kitchen working and chatting when a teacher showed us a rash on her child's torso and said what she suspected it was, wondering what our thoughts were. We looked at the child and offered that it might be a childhood illness. The teacher took her child home, called the Doctor and then made arrangements to keep him home the next day. She asked another teacher to sub for her in the afternoon and I serendipitously came across information that confirmed the diagnosis we had suspected. Our Assistant Director notifified all the parents. Within twenty-four hours, it was handled. Everyone played a role, noone was reactive or overtaxed by this unexpected occurrence; we were all within the circle of care, a place of support and cooperative responsibility.
Another time, I was feeling sick and a teacher suggested I go home and take care. The Assistant Director told me, "you know you can always get a sub for yourself". Yes, I was also included in this circle; having the Center held by a circle of caring women means we can each step in or step back when it is needed. Ultimately, we want everyone to feel cared for and healthy because from this place, our best work flows.
Now it has become a habit that if someone is in need, we offer what we are able to give from our hearts. We have committed to caring for each other and noone has taken advantage of that offering but of course we are imperfect, so sometimes we make mistakes. If we are uncomfortable with what we have said or done, we clean it up and that is also a part of the practice of caring.
What does a culture of care look like? Everyday, I see smiles, hear words of gratitude and feel deeply satisfied knowing the children are being authentically well cared for. What's more, the caregivers can also give and receive care so that we have something left at the end of the day and are filled up each morning when we gather again in our circle.
In this way, our care for the children would be authentic. Children have a nose for authenticity; they intuitively recognize truth. If we were to care for the children well but then avoid a colleague in need or even fail to greet the postman delivering a package, we would ultimately compromise the children's care. We would disturb the flow of caring energy that would then make it more difficult for us to do our work.
We were convinced that a culture of care would not only improve the quality of our work, it would feed the caregivers as well. For care to flow out into our work, we must first fill ourselves up so that it overflows from us and then like a fountain, pools at our feet, available to us to energize our heads, hearts and hands. It must be a full circle of care to be truly effective.
I knew we would be testing this theory when we opened the Center last fall and began the practice of providing child care and preschool programs. There have been moments since then when I have noticed: Yes, this is care in action. This is how it feels. This is what we were going for and it brings me great joy. The following are a few of these moments when the culture of care has made itself known in this circle of women caring for children together, caring for each other and caring for the Center we have created.
One afternoon, a few women were in the kitchen working and chatting when a teacher showed us a rash on her child's torso and said what she suspected it was, wondering what our thoughts were. We looked at the child and offered that it might be a childhood illness. The teacher took her child home, called the Doctor and then made arrangements to keep him home the next day. She asked another teacher to sub for her in the afternoon and I serendipitously came across information that confirmed the diagnosis we had suspected. Our Assistant Director notifified all the parents. Within twenty-four hours, it was handled. Everyone played a role, noone was reactive or overtaxed by this unexpected occurrence; we were all within the circle of care, a place of support and cooperative responsibility.
Another time, I was feeling sick and a teacher suggested I go home and take care. The Assistant Director told me, "you know you can always get a sub for yourself". Yes, I was also included in this circle; having the Center held by a circle of caring women means we can each step in or step back when it is needed. Ultimately, we want everyone to feel cared for and healthy because from this place, our best work flows.
Now it has become a habit that if someone is in need, we offer what we are able to give from our hearts. We have committed to caring for each other and noone has taken advantage of that offering but of course we are imperfect, so sometimes we make mistakes. If we are uncomfortable with what we have said or done, we clean it up and that is also a part of the practice of caring.
What does a culture of care look like? Everyday, I see smiles, hear words of gratitude and feel deeply satisfied knowing the children are being authentically well cared for. What's more, the caregivers can also give and receive care so that we have something left at the end of the day and are filled up each morning when we gather again in our circle.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Destiny Has it's Say
I've written about finding elderly care for my mother since dementia has diminished her capability to manage day-to-day living in her own home. Once her adult children found a suitable assisted living situation, sorted out the insurance component, packed up her things and moved her into her new apartment, we watched to see how she would adjust. Fortunately, she did not resist our decision although it was a choice made not by her but by her eight children with her best interests in mind because on some level, she is still thinking of us and she wants what is best for us during this time of caretaking role-reversal.
Her apartment has a lovely view, her furniture fits well in it and the quality of care she receives is excellent, but my mother is a very social person. She built her life around relationships with family, neighbors and friends and we wondered if she was up to starting over by making new friends. In her new place, family and old friends continued to visit but for meal and activity-times, she needed to find her way into this new social arena on her own. That was key to her success and not something we could orchestrate like we had managed to handle the rest of her needs.
I was delighted to visit my mother a few days after her move and to find her in the dining room with a new/old friend. It turns out that at the same time my mother moved into her new apartment, a childhood friend also moved into an apartment there. Having grown up together in a small town in the Genesee River Valley, they had seen little of each other over the past seven decades or more. Although short term memory decreases with dementia, longterm memories stay strong and they had no trouble reclaiming their small town/childhood bond.
Since they moved in about the same time, they were were both in need of integrating into the greater community. This was made easier by teaming up with an old friend to share meals, stories, photos and activities with. Together they found their way. Who could have orchestrated such a moment? Not me even along with my seven siblings, that's for sure.
When I was student teaching, a college professor told me "do my best and forget the rest". A aimple rhyme, it is also wise. For destiny, providence or karma; call it what you will, it does have its say and although there are matters we can take charge of, there are those that are outside of our control. Our efforts can only take us so far and the rest, the results of our actions are worked out in a realm beyond us. In the face of such fortunate results, having diligently doing our best, I can think of two words that apply, words our mother taught us.
Thank you.
Her apartment has a lovely view, her furniture fits well in it and the quality of care she receives is excellent, but my mother is a very social person. She built her life around relationships with family, neighbors and friends and we wondered if she was up to starting over by making new friends. In her new place, family and old friends continued to visit but for meal and activity-times, she needed to find her way into this new social arena on her own. That was key to her success and not something we could orchestrate like we had managed to handle the rest of her needs.
I was delighted to visit my mother a few days after her move and to find her in the dining room with a new/old friend. It turns out that at the same time my mother moved into her new apartment, a childhood friend also moved into an apartment there. Having grown up together in a small town in the Genesee River Valley, they had seen little of each other over the past seven decades or more. Although short term memory decreases with dementia, longterm memories stay strong and they had no trouble reclaiming their small town/childhood bond.
Since they moved in about the same time, they were were both in need of integrating into the greater community. This was made easier by teaming up with an old friend to share meals, stories, photos and activities with. Together they found their way. Who could have orchestrated such a moment? Not me even along with my seven siblings, that's for sure.
When I was student teaching, a college professor told me "do my best and forget the rest". A aimple rhyme, it is also wise. For destiny, providence or karma; call it what you will, it does have its say and although there are matters we can take charge of, there are those that are outside of our control. Our efforts can only take us so far and the rest, the results of our actions are worked out in a realm beyond us. In the face of such fortunate results, having diligently doing our best, I can think of two words that apply, words our mother taught us.
Thank you.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
A Dream that Came True
Over the last four years, a dedicated, hard-working and warm-hearted group of people came together to birth and nurture the Rose Garden Early Childhood Center. Before we had a name, teachers or a building, we had a vision, a clearly defined dream. Although people came and went, the vision, that vivid shared dream sustained us. Today, we have an advisory board, teachers, and an active handworks group as well as other vital relationships woven together around this new Center.
When the advisory board came together last week for our montly meeting; it involved a holiday celebration as well as a year's end review. In order to focus and organize this review, we asked specific questions connected to the elements of earth, water, air and fire (an exercise found in an issue of Lilipoh Magazine from December of year's past). Through these questions and the answers we shared, we created a picture of the developing Center. You might find these questions useful for your personal year's end review.
Earth: What did I complete in the last year?
Water: How did life unfold?
Air: What meaning and purpose in relationships came into my life?
Fire: How was my individuality and spirit expressed?
Through this exercise with the advisory board, we collectively claimed our experience, taking time to notice how blessed we have been. For all those who have participated in this process in any way, we are profoundly grateful and as our Center grows (and it is growing) we see its purpose fulfilled and we look forward to joyfully serving families in Buffalo for years to come.
None of us who shared this experience will ever underestimate the power of a dream, a dream held by a group; a group of people with strong hearts, helping hands and open, facile minds. Many thanks to all of you and best wishes for the new year!
When the advisory board came together last week for our montly meeting; it involved a holiday celebration as well as a year's end review. In order to focus and organize this review, we asked specific questions connected to the elements of earth, water, air and fire (an exercise found in an issue of Lilipoh Magazine from December of year's past). Through these questions and the answers we shared, we created a picture of the developing Center. You might find these questions useful for your personal year's end review.
Earth: What did I complete in the last year?
Water: How did life unfold?
Air: What meaning and purpose in relationships came into my life?
Fire: How was my individuality and spirit expressed?
Through this exercise with the advisory board, we collectively claimed our experience, taking time to notice how blessed we have been. For all those who have participated in this process in any way, we are profoundly grateful and as our Center grows (and it is growing) we see its purpose fulfilled and we look forward to joyfully serving families in Buffalo for years to come.
None of us who shared this experience will ever underestimate the power of a dream, a dream held by a group; a group of people with strong hearts, helping hands and open, facile minds. Many thanks to all of you and best wishes for the new year!
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