Stephanie Neikirk-Epes, assistant director at the Rose Garden Early Childhood Center gave a lecture on "Schooling the Will" on Thursday, November 4th. She wrote this blog highlighting a point from the lecture; one that inspired discussion and touched the souls of those present. Stephanie's words are as follows.
At this time of year, things get busy. In all the hurry and excitement of preparations and parties, we can feel resentment, tiredness, resistance and even anger. There are normal human emotions. But they can be especially disturbing when we feel them toward our own children. Of course, paradoxically - or perhaps not so - children can get anxious and become more clingy or more demanding if they sense our discomfort with our own feelings.
Children directly perceive our feeling life even if we don't talk about it with them. They directly perceive our feeling life even if we don't acknowledge how we feel, even if we don't accept how we feel. And because they learn by imitation, they imitate what they experience with and within us. Walt Whitman artistically describes this process.
There Was a Child Went Forth
There was a child went forth every day;
And the first object he look'd uon, that object he became;
And that object became part of him for the day, or a certain part of
the day, or for many years, or stretching cycles of years.
The mother at home, quietly placing the dishes on the supper-table;
The mother with mild words - clean her cap and gown, a wholesome odor falling off her person and clothes as she walks by;
The father, strong, self-sufficient, manly, mean, anger'd, unjust;
The blow, the quick loud word, the right bargain, the crafty lure,
The family usages, the language, the company, the furniture - the yearning and swelling heart.
Affection that will not be gainsay'd - the sense of what is real - the thought if, after all, it should prove unreal.
The doubts of day-time and the doubts of night-time - the curious whether and how,
Whether that which appears so is so, or is it all flashes and specks?
We may or may not be like these archetypal parents, but the process of internalization for the child is the same...children internalize the world around them. They internalize without question or judgment both our feeling life AND our reaction to our feeling life. When we acknowledge the truth of our feelings/needs we teach our children to be honest, to accept who and what it means to be human. Clarifying all of this requires reflection, inner work - parenting is a meditative exercise.
So, if we find ourselves angry at our chilren, resentful, or tired, this is a sign that we need to create an adult only time and place as a down to earth way to meet a genuine human need.
We need to be comfortable with the truth that we each need a space for ourselves. If we can feel ok with this, our children will grow up with the idea that it's right for an adult to have boundaries, to want and need personal time and space. They will grow up knowing how to create this health-giving space for themselves.
This is a gift we can right now give our children for their future health.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Is There such a Thing as Necessary Stress?
During this time of year, when we are entering the darkest days that come just before we celebrate the return of the light, I've noticed that it is a difficult transition for many people. It definitely helps to focus on the celebration of the light, to know that this will pass and that it is part of the greater order of things. That's how it is with all transitions; they have a degree of difficulty and it's best to focus on where we are headed, beginning with getting out of bed in the morning.
When we are consciously aware of changes in nature and how they affect us, we can help our children, many who are sensitive to these transitions. I've observed that during this season, children are often tired and unsettled because their experience of life is limited so they look to the adults to frame their experiences, to mirror back for them that everything is going to be alright. For all they know, maybe it will be dark everyday at 5:00 p.m. and summer will never return. Without knowing it, children might experience fear and manifest it by being a little crabby. What do we do when our children (given they are not getting sick) cry about putting on their coats, getting in the car or saying good-bye to parents who are leaving for work?
First, it makes sense to quickly check for signs of illness and if wellness is determined, then it's a good idea to acknowledge feelings. "Yes, that's a little uncomfortable, but we are going to wear our jackets on this blustery day. Let me help you put your arm in the sleeve". That's the thing about discomfort or stress, it's best to acknowledge it and to go forward with sensitivity, but if going forward is the best thing, to go forward nonetheless.
One never succeeds in making big changes in one's ife without enduring some discomfort or stress in the process. It's learning to manage that stress that prepares one to receive the rewards of success, becoming strong enough to handle life on life's terms. Now, with our children, we are often less willing to allow life to happen on life's terms bringing with it necessary stresses. However, when we keep trying to avoid any stress or discomfort, we give our children the message that we think they are incapable of learning to manage the situation.
With conscious effort, we can feel alright about allowing our children to experience doses of stress; knowing that they serve a greater good like a goal in our children's learning and development. This is how children find out what they are capable of and grow self-confident in the process. For those who are watching a child experience difficulties, keeping your eye on the goal helps; that's why we focus on the celebration of the light as we go into the darkest days of the year. Yes, it is not easy to witness our children experience stress and discomfort but it is necessary.
I heard these inspiring words from Leonard Perlmutter in a yoga class not too long ago: "Stress and pain are shadows of the outstretched hand of the Divine Reality asking you to make a change that will help you fulfill the purpose of your life."
When we are consciously aware of changes in nature and how they affect us, we can help our children, many who are sensitive to these transitions. I've observed that during this season, children are often tired and unsettled because their experience of life is limited so they look to the adults to frame their experiences, to mirror back for them that everything is going to be alright. For all they know, maybe it will be dark everyday at 5:00 p.m. and summer will never return. Without knowing it, children might experience fear and manifest it by being a little crabby. What do we do when our children (given they are not getting sick) cry about putting on their coats, getting in the car or saying good-bye to parents who are leaving for work?
First, it makes sense to quickly check for signs of illness and if wellness is determined, then it's a good idea to acknowledge feelings. "Yes, that's a little uncomfortable, but we are going to wear our jackets on this blustery day. Let me help you put your arm in the sleeve". That's the thing about discomfort or stress, it's best to acknowledge it and to go forward with sensitivity, but if going forward is the best thing, to go forward nonetheless.
One never succeeds in making big changes in one's ife without enduring some discomfort or stress in the process. It's learning to manage that stress that prepares one to receive the rewards of success, becoming strong enough to handle life on life's terms. Now, with our children, we are often less willing to allow life to happen on life's terms bringing with it necessary stresses. However, when we keep trying to avoid any stress or discomfort, we give our children the message that we think they are incapable of learning to manage the situation.
With conscious effort, we can feel alright about allowing our children to experience doses of stress; knowing that they serve a greater good like a goal in our children's learning and development. This is how children find out what they are capable of and grow self-confident in the process. For those who are watching a child experience difficulties, keeping your eye on the goal helps; that's why we focus on the celebration of the light as we go into the darkest days of the year. Yes, it is not easy to witness our children experience stress and discomfort but it is necessary.
I heard these inspiring words from Leonard Perlmutter in a yoga class not too long ago: "Stress and pain are shadows of the outstretched hand of the Divine Reality asking you to make a change that will help you fulfill the purpose of your life."
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Conflict as a means to Growth
Most of us would have to admit that when we find ourselves surrounded by happy children, flowers and sunshine; we wish such a moment would never end. But then the children start to quarrel or we pick a flower that has thorns, the sun goes behind the clouds and maybe it even starts to rain. What do we do then?
The answer to that question makes all the difference. If we conclude, that the moment of conflict or strife should not be happening, we hinder our ability to address it. Let's face it, conflicts do happen and we are better off if we accept that fact and invest our energy into exploring productive ways to address conflict.
Barbara Ehrensafts writes "In human relationships, the act of reparation, making good on something that did not initially go well, is far better for character building than providing our children with a conflict-free, idyllic, 'perfect' childhood." But how do we address conflict in such a way that it becomes an opportunity for learning and growth?
Resources For Infant Educators (RIE) founder, Magda Gerber, encourages caregivers to learn to step back from intervening too soon and smoothing obstacles for our children. She says, "To respect your child is to create a little distance so that you refrain from interfering with her experience of encountering life...RIE's respectiful approach encourages a child's authenticity, or genuineness." Imagine that, allowing our children to experience bumps, obstacles, and conflicts in life, is respecting the child.
Children are immature social beings and engage in conflict as a normal behavior, due to their limited language skills and self-control. RIE educators, DA Ros and Kovach wrote an article called: "Assisting Toddlers and Caregivers during Conflict Resolutions: Interactions that promote Socialization". In that article, they cite examples as when a toddler wants something that is in the hands of another child and grabs it from him. Typical adult reactions are: to take away the toy that is causing the conflict, to sympathize with the child who had the toy taken away, to ignore the whole matter or to move in closer in order to observe the situation, how the children might resolve it themselves and be available should one child start to hit the other. I've seen masterful caregivers engage in the last option.
The caregiver's response is largely based on the caregiver's beliefs about conflict and its resolution, the caregiver's level of anxiety about toddlers and safety during conflict and the caregiver's choices concerning interventions in disputes. So if we can accept that conflict is normal, quell our anxiety about our child getting hurt and learn some conflict resolution tools, we will have choices available to us. Then we can respond rather than react to a situation and respect our child's ability to meet life.
Two sources for information about conflict resolution techniques are: Kim John Payne and Marshall B Rosenberg. Payne is a psychologist and former Waldorf teacher who lectures worldwide on parenting and education, recommending a more direct approach to conflicts among children of all ages. He encourages adults to engage with conflict rather than immediately separating chilren when they are arguing. In his lecture entitled "When Push comes to Love: How to Raise Civilized Children in an Uncivilized World", he recommends that by helping children work out conflicts, we give them a sense of who they are in relation to others. More of Payne's wisdom is available in his latest book, "Simplicity Parenting".
Marshall B. Rosenberg is known for his nonviolent communication techniques which are designed to strengthen our ability to remain open, human, authentic and responsive in the face of conflicts. Rosenberg, like all the above mentioned conflict resolution experts recommends that the way to peace is not to go away from conflict. It's not to try to manipulate or force solutions; it's to get close, listen and make choices from a non-violent or peaceful stance.
That peacefulness, you guessed it, begins witin each one of us and the trick is to sustain it, even in the face of conflict.
The answer to that question makes all the difference. If we conclude, that the moment of conflict or strife should not be happening, we hinder our ability to address it. Let's face it, conflicts do happen and we are better off if we accept that fact and invest our energy into exploring productive ways to address conflict.
Barbara Ehrensafts writes "In human relationships, the act of reparation, making good on something that did not initially go well, is far better for character building than providing our children with a conflict-free, idyllic, 'perfect' childhood." But how do we address conflict in such a way that it becomes an opportunity for learning and growth?
Resources For Infant Educators (RIE) founder, Magda Gerber, encourages caregivers to learn to step back from intervening too soon and smoothing obstacles for our children. She says, "To respect your child is to create a little distance so that you refrain from interfering with her experience of encountering life...RIE's respectiful approach encourages a child's authenticity, or genuineness." Imagine that, allowing our children to experience bumps, obstacles, and conflicts in life, is respecting the child.
Children are immature social beings and engage in conflict as a normal behavior, due to their limited language skills and self-control. RIE educators, DA Ros and Kovach wrote an article called: "Assisting Toddlers and Caregivers during Conflict Resolutions: Interactions that promote Socialization". In that article, they cite examples as when a toddler wants something that is in the hands of another child and grabs it from him. Typical adult reactions are: to take away the toy that is causing the conflict, to sympathize with the child who had the toy taken away, to ignore the whole matter or to move in closer in order to observe the situation, how the children might resolve it themselves and be available should one child start to hit the other. I've seen masterful caregivers engage in the last option.
The caregiver's response is largely based on the caregiver's beliefs about conflict and its resolution, the caregiver's level of anxiety about toddlers and safety during conflict and the caregiver's choices concerning interventions in disputes. So if we can accept that conflict is normal, quell our anxiety about our child getting hurt and learn some conflict resolution tools, we will have choices available to us. Then we can respond rather than react to a situation and respect our child's ability to meet life.
Two sources for information about conflict resolution techniques are: Kim John Payne and Marshall B Rosenberg. Payne is a psychologist and former Waldorf teacher who lectures worldwide on parenting and education, recommending a more direct approach to conflicts among children of all ages. He encourages adults to engage with conflict rather than immediately separating chilren when they are arguing. In his lecture entitled "When Push comes to Love: How to Raise Civilized Children in an Uncivilized World", he recommends that by helping children work out conflicts, we give them a sense of who they are in relation to others. More of Payne's wisdom is available in his latest book, "Simplicity Parenting".
Marshall B. Rosenberg is known for his nonviolent communication techniques which are designed to strengthen our ability to remain open, human, authentic and responsive in the face of conflicts. Rosenberg, like all the above mentioned conflict resolution experts recommends that the way to peace is not to go away from conflict. It's not to try to manipulate or force solutions; it's to get close, listen and make choices from a non-violent or peaceful stance.
That peacefulness, you guessed it, begins witin each one of us and the trick is to sustain it, even in the face of conflict.
Friday, September 24, 2010
Cultivating Hope
Underlying human adult endeavor, there must be a sense of hope that one's actions can make a difference. Without hope, the range of possibilities narrows and any risky endeavor or new learning tends to be avoided. Motivation decreases, cynicism grows and the spirit of "why bother?" prevails.
On the other hand, when hopeful that good things can and do happen, motivation tends to be high as well as confidence and positivity, fundamental qualitites for success. Children are innately hopeful unless burdened by adult problems and situations beyond their control. What can a child do about adult problems? They are not equipped to handle them yet so in order to allow a spirit of hopefulness to grow in children, we consciously shield them from the problems that adults face and present to them a picture that the world is good. This takes conscious effort on the part of adults - to avoid the news or dicussion of problems in the presence of the children.
When a child experiences an environment imbued with caring, joyfulness and peace as well a reassuringly steady rhythm, a child maintains a spirit of hopefulness. Just like the tender sapling must be protected from strong winds and frosts in order to grow into a healthy plant, the young child must be protected, too. Then when the child grows up and is physically, emotionally and mentally equipped to address adult problems, actions are then inspired by hopefulness. In this way, we cultivate adults prepared to make a difference, who remember how good the world can be and strive to make it better.
On the other hand, when hopeful that good things can and do happen, motivation tends to be high as well as confidence and positivity, fundamental qualitites for success. Children are innately hopeful unless burdened by adult problems and situations beyond their control. What can a child do about adult problems? They are not equipped to handle them yet so in order to allow a spirit of hopefulness to grow in children, we consciously shield them from the problems that adults face and present to them a picture that the world is good. This takes conscious effort on the part of adults - to avoid the news or dicussion of problems in the presence of the children.
When a child experiences an environment imbued with caring, joyfulness and peace as well a reassuringly steady rhythm, a child maintains a spirit of hopefulness. Just like the tender sapling must be protected from strong winds and frosts in order to grow into a healthy plant, the young child must be protected, too. Then when the child grows up and is physically, emotionally and mentally equipped to address adult problems, actions are then inspired by hopefulness. In this way, we cultivate adults prepared to make a difference, who remember how good the world can be and strive to make it better.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Organic Produce and Consciousness Dogs
In conversations lately, I have been reminded me of a few images that I have been thinking about while walking the dog, gardening or driving in my car. I'll share those images and then explain how they fit together with regards to parenting.
One is a picture of organic produce. It's not only healthier because it is not pesticide-laden, it's healthier because while fending off pests, it becomes more anti-oxidant rich. The value of organic produce comes not only from what is missing but from its increased nutritional value. Learning to face adversity strengthens the organism.
The second picture is one about two voices in our consciousness depicted as hungry dogs vying for food in the form of our attention. One dog feeds on fear, habits and negativity. The other feeds on love, possibility and hope. Which dogs grows in our consciousness? Simply said, it's the one we feed with our thoughts, consciously or not.
How do these images relate? Children experience bumps, bruises and conflicts while growing up, helping them become strong and resilient. While children experience challenges, the adults need to work to consciously choose responses. Do we feed the dog of fear and habit or do we feed the dog of possibility, of the value born of adversity? Positive affirmations give children the sense that they can come through whatever it is they are experiencing. When a child falls we can say, "That scrape hurts, let's clean it and put on some boo-boo cream. You are a quick healer, it'll be better soon."
If we react with fear on the other hand when a child gets scraped, we reinforce to the child that we do not trust their resiliency, we are not sure they can heal, that they can handle life's bumps. Since we can never protect children from all that will come and eventually, we won't be there with them, it's important to give children positive messages while they are young.
Choose the environment for your child carefully. Expect bumps and bruises. Affirm the child's strength when they experience physical or emotional discomfort.
Organic produce requires enough sun, water and good soil to be able to ward off pests. Children require much the same on the physical realm but they are also strongly influenced by the quality of our consciousness. Adults' sunny gaze (consciously chosen to reflect all is well) feeds children as does the good soil of healthy experiences, but passing showers and storms also have an impact in developing strong, capable and resilient children.
Think about organic produce when your child is learning to cope with pests and the two dogs in your consciousness when you are responding, feeding the dog of your choice rather than habit.
One is a picture of organic produce. It's not only healthier because it is not pesticide-laden, it's healthier because while fending off pests, it becomes more anti-oxidant rich. The value of organic produce comes not only from what is missing but from its increased nutritional value. Learning to face adversity strengthens the organism.
The second picture is one about two voices in our consciousness depicted as hungry dogs vying for food in the form of our attention. One dog feeds on fear, habits and negativity. The other feeds on love, possibility and hope. Which dogs grows in our consciousness? Simply said, it's the one we feed with our thoughts, consciously or not.
How do these images relate? Children experience bumps, bruises and conflicts while growing up, helping them become strong and resilient. While children experience challenges, the adults need to work to consciously choose responses. Do we feed the dog of fear and habit or do we feed the dog of possibility, of the value born of adversity? Positive affirmations give children the sense that they can come through whatever it is they are experiencing. When a child falls we can say, "That scrape hurts, let's clean it and put on some boo-boo cream. You are a quick healer, it'll be better soon."
If we react with fear on the other hand when a child gets scraped, we reinforce to the child that we do not trust their resiliency, we are not sure they can heal, that they can handle life's bumps. Since we can never protect children from all that will come and eventually, we won't be there with them, it's important to give children positive messages while they are young.
Choose the environment for your child carefully. Expect bumps and bruises. Affirm the child's strength when they experience physical or emotional discomfort.
Organic produce requires enough sun, water and good soil to be able to ward off pests. Children require much the same on the physical realm but they are also strongly influenced by the quality of our consciousness. Adults' sunny gaze (consciously chosen to reflect all is well) feeds children as does the good soil of healthy experiences, but passing showers and storms also have an impact in developing strong, capable and resilient children.
Think about organic produce when your child is learning to cope with pests and the two dogs in your consciousness when you are responding, feeding the dog of your choice rather than habit.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
The effects of Praising our Children
The other day during yoga class, my thoughts wandered away from the inner experience I was having (which is the point of yoga) into the realm of what the teacher thought about my postures. Did she think they were good, possibly better than others? It's embarrassing to admit this and I had to laugh at myself, but this awareness led me to think about dependency on external validation and where that comes from.
I think we all like to know that we are doing well and are appreciated for our work, and on the same token, praise cannot be the driving force behind our actions. When we do not seek or need approval, we are free to develop instrinsic motivation and strengthen a sense of satisfaction within ourselves; free from rising and falling according to external validation. This is the path to self-mastery - the highest objective of education that facilates the achievement of all other goals.
Rather than self mastery, praise takes us outside of ourselves and into the realm of external judgments, leading toward dependency and a weakening of the relationship to our selves. Have you ever noticed how frequently children hear "good job" these days? It's become a habit, the mantra of our children's lives and due to overuse, it has lost its meaning - to point out that something extraordinary has been achieved.
Think of the difference between hearing "good job" and an affirmative statement like, "Now the job is done" or "You have put on your shoes". "Good job" puts the focus on the child and the affirmative statement puts the focus on the work, allowing the child to appreciate what's been done rather than appreciating someone else's appreciation of them. Do you hear the difference?
It's a good idea to examine our habits every now and then, considering their effects and then make conscious choices. I'm grateful that my yoga teacher does not comment on my postures, feeding into any dependency on other's approval. Instead at the end of the class, she thanks us for sharing our practice. In that way, we are all validated for the work we have done together and any sense of accomplishment is based on having done the work rather than how well we have done it. We become observers of ourselves and can then make adjustments accordingly. This is not only validating but also strengthening.
As we walk the conscious parenting path, thank you for sharing this blog.
I think we all like to know that we are doing well and are appreciated for our work, and on the same token, praise cannot be the driving force behind our actions. When we do not seek or need approval, we are free to develop instrinsic motivation and strengthen a sense of satisfaction within ourselves; free from rising and falling according to external validation. This is the path to self-mastery - the highest objective of education that facilates the achievement of all other goals.
Rather than self mastery, praise takes us outside of ourselves and into the realm of external judgments, leading toward dependency and a weakening of the relationship to our selves. Have you ever noticed how frequently children hear "good job" these days? It's become a habit, the mantra of our children's lives and due to overuse, it has lost its meaning - to point out that something extraordinary has been achieved.
Think of the difference between hearing "good job" and an affirmative statement like, "Now the job is done" or "You have put on your shoes". "Good job" puts the focus on the child and the affirmative statement puts the focus on the work, allowing the child to appreciate what's been done rather than appreciating someone else's appreciation of them. Do you hear the difference?
It's a good idea to examine our habits every now and then, considering their effects and then make conscious choices. I'm grateful that my yoga teacher does not comment on my postures, feeding into any dependency on other's approval. Instead at the end of the class, she thanks us for sharing our practice. In that way, we are all validated for the work we have done together and any sense of accomplishment is based on having done the work rather than how well we have done it. We become observers of ourselves and can then make adjustments accordingly. This is not only validating but also strengthening.
As we walk the conscious parenting path, thank you for sharing this blog.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Intentional Mothering
I witness a lot of great mothering and in this month of Mother's Day, I've been thinking about what it takes to be a good mother.
There are two primary aspects of mothering that might seem at first contradictory. One is pulling the child close to us and the other involves letting the child go. For many, the nurturing part is the easiest and these mothers intuitively know how to hold, feed and soothe their infants. The challenging part of mothering often involves letting our children experience frustration, stepping back and watching so our children can learn and grow. Like the mama bird who pushes her babies our of the nest so they can learn to fly, the ultimate goal of mothering is to produce an independent human being in the end.
That's where the intentional part comes in. Intentional or conscious mothering involves remembering that the goal is independence and so making decisions that encourage strength and independence often born of frustration and then staying the course.
A few months ago, a family chose the Center for their young child so mom could go back to work part-time. She knew we offered what she wanted for her child and she also knew her child. He wants what he wants and most of the time, he wants his mother. However, she decided that it was ok for him to spend 12 hours a week away from his mother in a warm and nurturing environment.
She decided that she would allow him to experience the frustration of having his needs but not his wants met so he could become strong and independent. Of course, his cries touched her heart but did not diminish her resolve. She kept the goal in mind, gave him lots of love when they were together and let him have his morning cry. Eventually, he stopped crying and when we did, the sight of his smile is like a ray of golden sunshine beaming from his confident little self.
I told this mother that if we had a mother of the year award, we would give it to her. She mothers with instinctual nurturing as well as consciously allowing her son to separate from her in order to make steps toward independence. That selflessness is at the core of intentional mothering and it takes a lot of heart and a clear head.
What a joy to witness and a model to learn from!
There are two primary aspects of mothering that might seem at first contradictory. One is pulling the child close to us and the other involves letting the child go. For many, the nurturing part is the easiest and these mothers intuitively know how to hold, feed and soothe their infants. The challenging part of mothering often involves letting our children experience frustration, stepping back and watching so our children can learn and grow. Like the mama bird who pushes her babies our of the nest so they can learn to fly, the ultimate goal of mothering is to produce an independent human being in the end.
That's where the intentional part comes in. Intentional or conscious mothering involves remembering that the goal is independence and so making decisions that encourage strength and independence often born of frustration and then staying the course.
A few months ago, a family chose the Center for their young child so mom could go back to work part-time. She knew we offered what she wanted for her child and she also knew her child. He wants what he wants and most of the time, he wants his mother. However, she decided that it was ok for him to spend 12 hours a week away from his mother in a warm and nurturing environment.
She decided that she would allow him to experience the frustration of having his needs but not his wants met so he could become strong and independent. Of course, his cries touched her heart but did not diminish her resolve. She kept the goal in mind, gave him lots of love when they were together and let him have his morning cry. Eventually, he stopped crying and when we did, the sight of his smile is like a ray of golden sunshine beaming from his confident little self.
I told this mother that if we had a mother of the year award, we would give it to her. She mothers with instinctual nurturing as well as consciously allowing her son to separate from her in order to make steps toward independence. That selflessness is at the core of intentional mothering and it takes a lot of heart and a clear head.
What a joy to witness and a model to learn from!
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Can too much Sympathy weaken a Child's will forces?
I make dinner every week night because it's good for my family's healthy, the environment and the local food producers and markets. These are the things that I bear in mind to motivate myself even when I don't feel like cooking. I've observed that my motivation is closely linked to what I tell myself. If I engage in thinking that it's a big chore to buy groceries, create balanced menus and cook meals, it becomes difficult to complete this task and I might entertain thoughts about the values of take-out food.
Do you see where I am going? My thoughts about any task at hand can serve to inspire or weaken my resolve. It's up to me to choose them carefully. The same holds true for our children whose thoughts echo our words. I've heard (and have been there done that) well meaning parents speak to their child with a lot of sympathy, expressing sentiments along these lines: I know it is hard to be away from your mother, or eat your lunch, or put on your sweater. Then the child's will forces engage to resist the task at hand rather than work with us to get it done and our original thought (that it might be a difficult task) is reinforced.
Unwittingly, we sabotage our objectives with too much sympathy. We so love our children and want to do what is right by them that we can give them what they want instead of what they need. Consider your words carefully and as important, the sentiments that you are holding behind them. If the task is too much to ask your child then why ask it of him or her? However, if you have decided that it is an appropriate (or possibly necessary) request, there is no need to be conflicted about it. It's cold and we are going to wear our coats today.
Speak in positive affirmative statements. We are putting on our coats now. One arm and then the other. Let's find your hand! It's ever amusing to put your arm into a coatsleeve and then see your hand come out the other side. Be playful but focused on the task. It is your resolve, your focus and your affirmative statements that give your child the strength of will to work together with you to accomplish the deed.
Refrain from being overly sympathetic or sentimental about your child's experiences. Yes, children are small, vulnerable and have a lot to learn. Life is demanding and there are moments (for example,a boo-boo) when sympathy is appropriate, but dole it out consciously. Overall children can meet the challenges that come up. They are capable of learning to cope and doing what needs to be done.
Don't take my word for this, but conduct an experiment of your own. The next time you are about to do a routine life task (e.e. making dinner) tell your self how hard it is and feel sorry for yourself for having to do it. Then notice what happens to your motivation. Try another time to tell yourself what a noble deed it is to cook and how the energy of the cook affects the food and its overall energetic value and how much you value having enough energy to do what you want to do.
If you notice the affect of sympathy vs. resolve in your self, pay attention to what you are communicating to your child and consider that by being overly sympathetic, you might be inadvertently weakening your child's will forces.
Do you see where I am going? My thoughts about any task at hand can serve to inspire or weaken my resolve. It's up to me to choose them carefully. The same holds true for our children whose thoughts echo our words. I've heard (and have been there done that) well meaning parents speak to their child with a lot of sympathy, expressing sentiments along these lines: I know it is hard to be away from your mother, or eat your lunch, or put on your sweater. Then the child's will forces engage to resist the task at hand rather than work with us to get it done and our original thought (that it might be a difficult task) is reinforced.
Unwittingly, we sabotage our objectives with too much sympathy. We so love our children and want to do what is right by them that we can give them what they want instead of what they need. Consider your words carefully and as important, the sentiments that you are holding behind them. If the task is too much to ask your child then why ask it of him or her? However, if you have decided that it is an appropriate (or possibly necessary) request, there is no need to be conflicted about it. It's cold and we are going to wear our coats today.
Speak in positive affirmative statements. We are putting on our coats now. One arm and then the other. Let's find your hand! It's ever amusing to put your arm into a coatsleeve and then see your hand come out the other side. Be playful but focused on the task. It is your resolve, your focus and your affirmative statements that give your child the strength of will to work together with you to accomplish the deed.
Refrain from being overly sympathetic or sentimental about your child's experiences. Yes, children are small, vulnerable and have a lot to learn. Life is demanding and there are moments (for example,a boo-boo) when sympathy is appropriate, but dole it out consciously. Overall children can meet the challenges that come up. They are capable of learning to cope and doing what needs to be done.
Don't take my word for this, but conduct an experiment of your own. The next time you are about to do a routine life task (e.e. making dinner) tell your self how hard it is and feel sorry for yourself for having to do it. Then notice what happens to your motivation. Try another time to tell yourself what a noble deed it is to cook and how the energy of the cook affects the food and its overall energetic value and how much you value having enough energy to do what you want to do.
If you notice the affect of sympathy vs. resolve in your self, pay attention to what you are communicating to your child and consider that by being overly sympathetic, you might be inadvertently weakening your child's will forces.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
The "Doing" aspect of Talent and Intelligence
Last Sunday, I read a review of a book called: The Genius in All of Us: Why Everything You've been Told about Genetics, Talent and IQ is Wrong. In it, David Shenk makes a strong case for the reciprocity of the nature vs. nurture equation, suggesting that nature is dynamic and responds to nurturing. He posits that genes are not the blueprint for a human being that we once thought they were. Talent is not a "gift" that we are given (or not), it's rather something that is cultivated based on what we do. Talent or exceptional ability is not connected to innate capabilities alone, it is the product of highly concentrated effort.
Brain wiring is the result of our actions; for example, if we spend our time playing the violin, we have a brain wired for violin playing or if we spend a lot of time watching television, our brain is also wired for that activity, in other words, what we do affects what we become. To that end, it's important to engage children in constructive activities that might be difficult for them and to step back when children struggle so the child learns how to learn, learns that failure is a part of the process. It is key, however, that the activity is age-appropriate, one that the child is developmentally capable of learning.
Each aspect of our humanity has an optimal window for development. The time to be an active participant in life, the time to train the will forces is early childhood. It's when children need a curriculum that is rhythmic, consistent and activity-oriented. To train the will forces is to teach self-discipline, which is a prerequisite for success in anything, even more so than talent if you agree with Shenk.
This outlook turns old ideas of genius upside down and supports the importance of training, of parenting, of appropriate teaching. My child is "gifted" is not enough (perhaps it even thwarts development by downplaying the importance of consistent practice), it's better to celebrate that my child does something regularly. It begins with simple tasks that are repeated to gain proficiency, for example setting the table, building with blocks and then putting them away, or washing a dish. The reviewer suggests that talent is not a thing, but a process, not something we have, but something we do.
You'd be amazed at what I see small children do every day. They are so capable! By participating in every day tasks, they are strengthening the muscle for deeds, for practicing their talents and it's practice that leads to greatness. I am relieved that Shenk suggests an end to the conflict between nature and nurture and we can now speak about the interaction between nature and nurture.
What a golden opportunity we have in early childhood to teach young children to do what needs to be done; now that's a gift.
Brain wiring is the result of our actions; for example, if we spend our time playing the violin, we have a brain wired for violin playing or if we spend a lot of time watching television, our brain is also wired for that activity, in other words, what we do affects what we become. To that end, it's important to engage children in constructive activities that might be difficult for them and to step back when children struggle so the child learns how to learn, learns that failure is a part of the process. It is key, however, that the activity is age-appropriate, one that the child is developmentally capable of learning.
Each aspect of our humanity has an optimal window for development. The time to be an active participant in life, the time to train the will forces is early childhood. It's when children need a curriculum that is rhythmic, consistent and activity-oriented. To train the will forces is to teach self-discipline, which is a prerequisite for success in anything, even more so than talent if you agree with Shenk.
This outlook turns old ideas of genius upside down and supports the importance of training, of parenting, of appropriate teaching. My child is "gifted" is not enough (perhaps it even thwarts development by downplaying the importance of consistent practice), it's better to celebrate that my child does something regularly. It begins with simple tasks that are repeated to gain proficiency, for example setting the table, building with blocks and then putting them away, or washing a dish. The reviewer suggests that talent is not a thing, but a process, not something we have, but something we do.
You'd be amazed at what I see small children do every day. They are so capable! By participating in every day tasks, they are strengthening the muscle for deeds, for practicing their talents and it's practice that leads to greatness. I am relieved that Shenk suggests an end to the conflict between nature and nurture and we can now speak about the interaction between nature and nurture.
What a golden opportunity we have in early childhood to teach young children to do what needs to be done; now that's a gift.
Friday, February 19, 2010
A Culture of Care
Since the idea of the Rose Garden Early Childhood Center began growing in a group of people, we have discussed the concept of creating a culture of care. We imagined what it would look and feel like to be in such an environment and how essential it would be to extend the circle of care to include not only the children but everyone -teachers, parents, visitors, our Center "home" and the greater environment.
In this way, our care for the children would be authentic. Children have a nose for authenticity; they intuitively recognize truth. If we were to care for the children well but then avoid a colleague in need or even fail to greet the postman delivering a package, we would ultimately compromise the children's care. We would disturb the flow of caring energy that would then make it more difficult for us to do our work.
We were convinced that a culture of care would not only improve the quality of our work, it would feed the caregivers as well. For care to flow out into our work, we must first fill ourselves up so that it overflows from us and then like a fountain, pools at our feet, available to us to energize our heads, hearts and hands. It must be a full circle of care to be truly effective.
I knew we would be testing this theory when we opened the Center last fall and began the practice of providing child care and preschool programs. There have been moments since then when I have noticed: Yes, this is care in action. This is how it feels. This is what we were going for and it brings me great joy. The following are a few of these moments when the culture of care has made itself known in this circle of women caring for children together, caring for each other and caring for the Center we have created.
One afternoon, a few women were in the kitchen working and chatting when a teacher showed us a rash on her child's torso and said what she suspected it was, wondering what our thoughts were. We looked at the child and offered that it might be a childhood illness. The teacher took her child home, called the Doctor and then made arrangements to keep him home the next day. She asked another teacher to sub for her in the afternoon and I serendipitously came across information that confirmed the diagnosis we had suspected. Our Assistant Director notifified all the parents. Within twenty-four hours, it was handled. Everyone played a role, noone was reactive or overtaxed by this unexpected occurrence; we were all within the circle of care, a place of support and cooperative responsibility.
Another time, I was feeling sick and a teacher suggested I go home and take care. The Assistant Director told me, "you know you can always get a sub for yourself". Yes, I was also included in this circle; having the Center held by a circle of caring women means we can each step in or step back when it is needed. Ultimately, we want everyone to feel cared for and healthy because from this place, our best work flows.
Now it has become a habit that if someone is in need, we offer what we are able to give from our hearts. We have committed to caring for each other and noone has taken advantage of that offering but of course we are imperfect, so sometimes we make mistakes. If we are uncomfortable with what we have said or done, we clean it up and that is also a part of the practice of caring.
What does a culture of care look like? Everyday, I see smiles, hear words of gratitude and feel deeply satisfied knowing the children are being authentically well cared for. What's more, the caregivers can also give and receive care so that we have something left at the end of the day and are filled up each morning when we gather again in our circle.
In this way, our care for the children would be authentic. Children have a nose for authenticity; they intuitively recognize truth. If we were to care for the children well but then avoid a colleague in need or even fail to greet the postman delivering a package, we would ultimately compromise the children's care. We would disturb the flow of caring energy that would then make it more difficult for us to do our work.
We were convinced that a culture of care would not only improve the quality of our work, it would feed the caregivers as well. For care to flow out into our work, we must first fill ourselves up so that it overflows from us and then like a fountain, pools at our feet, available to us to energize our heads, hearts and hands. It must be a full circle of care to be truly effective.
I knew we would be testing this theory when we opened the Center last fall and began the practice of providing child care and preschool programs. There have been moments since then when I have noticed: Yes, this is care in action. This is how it feels. This is what we were going for and it brings me great joy. The following are a few of these moments when the culture of care has made itself known in this circle of women caring for children together, caring for each other and caring for the Center we have created.
One afternoon, a few women were in the kitchen working and chatting when a teacher showed us a rash on her child's torso and said what she suspected it was, wondering what our thoughts were. We looked at the child and offered that it might be a childhood illness. The teacher took her child home, called the Doctor and then made arrangements to keep him home the next day. She asked another teacher to sub for her in the afternoon and I serendipitously came across information that confirmed the diagnosis we had suspected. Our Assistant Director notifified all the parents. Within twenty-four hours, it was handled. Everyone played a role, noone was reactive or overtaxed by this unexpected occurrence; we were all within the circle of care, a place of support and cooperative responsibility.
Another time, I was feeling sick and a teacher suggested I go home and take care. The Assistant Director told me, "you know you can always get a sub for yourself". Yes, I was also included in this circle; having the Center held by a circle of caring women means we can each step in or step back when it is needed. Ultimately, we want everyone to feel cared for and healthy because from this place, our best work flows.
Now it has become a habit that if someone is in need, we offer what we are able to give from our hearts. We have committed to caring for each other and noone has taken advantage of that offering but of course we are imperfect, so sometimes we make mistakes. If we are uncomfortable with what we have said or done, we clean it up and that is also a part of the practice of caring.
What does a culture of care look like? Everyday, I see smiles, hear words of gratitude and feel deeply satisfied knowing the children are being authentically well cared for. What's more, the caregivers can also give and receive care so that we have something left at the end of the day and are filled up each morning when we gather again in our circle.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Destiny Has it's Say
I've written about finding elderly care for my mother since dementia has diminished her capability to manage day-to-day living in her own home. Once her adult children found a suitable assisted living situation, sorted out the insurance component, packed up her things and moved her into her new apartment, we watched to see how she would adjust. Fortunately, she did not resist our decision although it was a choice made not by her but by her eight children with her best interests in mind because on some level, she is still thinking of us and she wants what is best for us during this time of caretaking role-reversal.
Her apartment has a lovely view, her furniture fits well in it and the quality of care she receives is excellent, but my mother is a very social person. She built her life around relationships with family, neighbors and friends and we wondered if she was up to starting over by making new friends. In her new place, family and old friends continued to visit but for meal and activity-times, she needed to find her way into this new social arena on her own. That was key to her success and not something we could orchestrate like we had managed to handle the rest of her needs.
I was delighted to visit my mother a few days after her move and to find her in the dining room with a new/old friend. It turns out that at the same time my mother moved into her new apartment, a childhood friend also moved into an apartment there. Having grown up together in a small town in the Genesee River Valley, they had seen little of each other over the past seven decades or more. Although short term memory decreases with dementia, longterm memories stay strong and they had no trouble reclaiming their small town/childhood bond.
Since they moved in about the same time, they were were both in need of integrating into the greater community. This was made easier by teaming up with an old friend to share meals, stories, photos and activities with. Together they found their way. Who could have orchestrated such a moment? Not me even along with my seven siblings, that's for sure.
When I was student teaching, a college professor told me "do my best and forget the rest". A aimple rhyme, it is also wise. For destiny, providence or karma; call it what you will, it does have its say and although there are matters we can take charge of, there are those that are outside of our control. Our efforts can only take us so far and the rest, the results of our actions are worked out in a realm beyond us. In the face of such fortunate results, having diligently doing our best, I can think of two words that apply, words our mother taught us.
Thank you.
Her apartment has a lovely view, her furniture fits well in it and the quality of care she receives is excellent, but my mother is a very social person. She built her life around relationships with family, neighbors and friends and we wondered if she was up to starting over by making new friends. In her new place, family and old friends continued to visit but for meal and activity-times, she needed to find her way into this new social arena on her own. That was key to her success and not something we could orchestrate like we had managed to handle the rest of her needs.
I was delighted to visit my mother a few days after her move and to find her in the dining room with a new/old friend. It turns out that at the same time my mother moved into her new apartment, a childhood friend also moved into an apartment there. Having grown up together in a small town in the Genesee River Valley, they had seen little of each other over the past seven decades or more. Although short term memory decreases with dementia, longterm memories stay strong and they had no trouble reclaiming their small town/childhood bond.
Since they moved in about the same time, they were were both in need of integrating into the greater community. This was made easier by teaming up with an old friend to share meals, stories, photos and activities with. Together they found their way. Who could have orchestrated such a moment? Not me even along with my seven siblings, that's for sure.
When I was student teaching, a college professor told me "do my best and forget the rest". A aimple rhyme, it is also wise. For destiny, providence or karma; call it what you will, it does have its say and although there are matters we can take charge of, there are those that are outside of our control. Our efforts can only take us so far and the rest, the results of our actions are worked out in a realm beyond us. In the face of such fortunate results, having diligently doing our best, I can think of two words that apply, words our mother taught us.
Thank you.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
A Dream that Came True
Over the last four years, a dedicated, hard-working and warm-hearted group of people came together to birth and nurture the Rose Garden Early Childhood Center. Before we had a name, teachers or a building, we had a vision, a clearly defined dream. Although people came and went, the vision, that vivid shared dream sustained us. Today, we have an advisory board, teachers, and an active handworks group as well as other vital relationships woven together around this new Center.
When the advisory board came together last week for our montly meeting; it involved a holiday celebration as well as a year's end review. In order to focus and organize this review, we asked specific questions connected to the elements of earth, water, air and fire (an exercise found in an issue of Lilipoh Magazine from December of year's past). Through these questions and the answers we shared, we created a picture of the developing Center. You might find these questions useful for your personal year's end review.
Earth: What did I complete in the last year?
Water: How did life unfold?
Air: What meaning and purpose in relationships came into my life?
Fire: How was my individuality and spirit expressed?
Through this exercise with the advisory board, we collectively claimed our experience, taking time to notice how blessed we have been. For all those who have participated in this process in any way, we are profoundly grateful and as our Center grows (and it is growing) we see its purpose fulfilled and we look forward to joyfully serving families in Buffalo for years to come.
None of us who shared this experience will ever underestimate the power of a dream, a dream held by a group; a group of people with strong hearts, helping hands and open, facile minds. Many thanks to all of you and best wishes for the new year!
When the advisory board came together last week for our montly meeting; it involved a holiday celebration as well as a year's end review. In order to focus and organize this review, we asked specific questions connected to the elements of earth, water, air and fire (an exercise found in an issue of Lilipoh Magazine from December of year's past). Through these questions and the answers we shared, we created a picture of the developing Center. You might find these questions useful for your personal year's end review.
Earth: What did I complete in the last year?
Water: How did life unfold?
Air: What meaning and purpose in relationships came into my life?
Fire: How was my individuality and spirit expressed?
Through this exercise with the advisory board, we collectively claimed our experience, taking time to notice how blessed we have been. For all those who have participated in this process in any way, we are profoundly grateful and as our Center grows (and it is growing) we see its purpose fulfilled and we look forward to joyfully serving families in Buffalo for years to come.
None of us who shared this experience will ever underestimate the power of a dream, a dream held by a group; a group of people with strong hearts, helping hands and open, facile minds. Many thanks to all of you and best wishes for the new year!
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Waning and Waxing Will Forces
I visited an assisted living center yesterday to view an apartment for my elderly mother. When I heard myself asking certain questions, I realized that I have heard those same questions from parents seeking child care. The questions included:
Will she see the same faces so she can build relationships or will there be different ones all the time?
Will they treat her with respect and understanding for the common symptoms of aging including poor memory, incontinence and embarrassment about those symptoms?
Will they encourage her to participate in activities and to eat meals even though she might say she prefers to stay in her room (knowing once she goes, she will enjoy herself)?
Is the food nourishing and carefully prepared?
Will her physical needs be addressed regarding both her body and her environment; so they are kept clean and well-cared for?
Will they meet her wherever she is and observe her carefully to notice changes that would indicate modifications in her care plan?
Yes, young children and the elderly are similar populations in that they are vulnerable and they require sensitive and consistent care by people who understand their needs. There is one major difference however; while the will forces in the elderly are waning, in the young child, they are waxing. Therefore, we can step in to help the elderly when they are unable to do something because a lifetime of experience has already taught them gratitude, patience and moderation (or not) but in other words, their character has been formed.
With the young child, the same level of attentiveness could lead to poor results in that opportunities to develop character might be missed. We must consider carefully, if we should step back and let the child struggle a little in order to learn a new skill. When we withdraw our attentiveness to the growing child, the child increases his or hers and then learns how to learn, for learning involves trial and error, falling and getting up and being uncomfortable at times. If we can step back and allow our children a reasonable amount of struggle, their growing will forces will be complemented by character traits like patience, gratitude and the ability to withstand some discomfort in order to learn and grow.
In many ways with the elderly, we cannot overdo it, and often it's the case that they would not let us. With young children on the other hand, we run the risk of overdoing it so we have to watch ourselves in order to allow them to become capable learners and to grow strong in character so their strong will forces may be well employed.
I came across this quote attributed to Goethe, but I did not check the source. Nonethless, it is as true today as it was in Goethe's time. "Too many parents make life hard for their children by trying too zealously to make life easy for them".
Will she see the same faces so she can build relationships or will there be different ones all the time?
Will they treat her with respect and understanding for the common symptoms of aging including poor memory, incontinence and embarrassment about those symptoms?
Will they encourage her to participate in activities and to eat meals even though she might say she prefers to stay in her room (knowing once she goes, she will enjoy herself)?
Is the food nourishing and carefully prepared?
Will her physical needs be addressed regarding both her body and her environment; so they are kept clean and well-cared for?
Will they meet her wherever she is and observe her carefully to notice changes that would indicate modifications in her care plan?
Yes, young children and the elderly are similar populations in that they are vulnerable and they require sensitive and consistent care by people who understand their needs. There is one major difference however; while the will forces in the elderly are waning, in the young child, they are waxing. Therefore, we can step in to help the elderly when they are unable to do something because a lifetime of experience has already taught them gratitude, patience and moderation (or not) but in other words, their character has been formed.
With the young child, the same level of attentiveness could lead to poor results in that opportunities to develop character might be missed. We must consider carefully, if we should step back and let the child struggle a little in order to learn a new skill. When we withdraw our attentiveness to the growing child, the child increases his or hers and then learns how to learn, for learning involves trial and error, falling and getting up and being uncomfortable at times. If we can step back and allow our children a reasonable amount of struggle, their growing will forces will be complemented by character traits like patience, gratitude and the ability to withstand some discomfort in order to learn and grow.
In many ways with the elderly, we cannot overdo it, and often it's the case that they would not let us. With young children on the other hand, we run the risk of overdoing it so we have to watch ourselves in order to allow them to become capable learners and to grow strong in character so their strong will forces may be well employed.
I came across this quote attributed to Goethe, but I did not check the source. Nonethless, it is as true today as it was in Goethe's time. "Too many parents make life hard for their children by trying too zealously to make life easy for them".
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Why it's Easier to be a Teacher than a Parent
Having both observed and experienced the joys and challenges of parenting as well as teaching, I've concluded that it's easier to be a teacher. When life administers its bumps to our children, which it does, I am happy to respond with compassion and objectivity to the children I have taught. When life does the same for my own child, it's harder to keep that balance and compassion can turn into sympathy which ultimately weakens the child. For in the child's mind, if mom finds this difficulty so hard to manage, how can I ever get through it? The child is burdened by too much emotion coming from the parent and parents struggle with reining in their emotions regarding their children.
That's where the call to consciousness in parenting is most evident since until parenting, we have perhaps not yet been asked to manage our emotions so carefully, except perhaps at work. While teaching, it's clear that we are doing a service and we don our best self to administer that service well. It's possible to achieve that when we work around eight hours a day and there are social mores in place. Parenting is an around-the-clock job done at home where we might be accumstomed to giving our emotions more free rein. In addition, it's a job that we receive no training for and the books don't teach us what is really important; that comes only with experience.
As a teacher, I've always told parents that our emotions are the trump card. In other words if we do everything "right" but we are emtionally distraught while doing it, the value is diminished. Instead of being perfect, we might serve our children better by finding our faith, confidence, joy and general sense that all shall be well no matter what comes. When we mirror that for our children, we are like the sun that shines on us everyday reflecting warmth, our children soak it up and become strong.
So rather than trying to do it all and becoming stressed in the process, set up a simple rhythmic lifestyle for your family and then dig deep so your soul can sing while you're doing it. If you need to work fulltime, then work. If you need to go out with women friends to feed your soul, then do it. If you need to ignore the kitchen floor that needs scrubbing so you can take a walk on a beautiful autumn day and savor the colors of the trees, then do it.
That's what early childhood teachers do; they savor the moment and in this way, they join the children in their sacred space. Strong emotions, adult conversations, paying bills all happen when the children are not around. In their presence, we observe with objectivity and respond with an open compassionate heart, knowing that too much emotion is more than a young child can bear. By practicing this way of being, a habit develops, we train ourselves in a way of thinking that brings emotional balance.
That's why it is easier to be a teacher than a parent. We receive training and social support. Come to think of it though, parents are teachers. Do you remember the book, You are Your Child's First Teacher by Rahima Baldwin? I guess the lines in these roles are blurred but I think the message is the same.
That's where the call to consciousness in parenting is most evident since until parenting, we have perhaps not yet been asked to manage our emotions so carefully, except perhaps at work. While teaching, it's clear that we are doing a service and we don our best self to administer that service well. It's possible to achieve that when we work around eight hours a day and there are social mores in place. Parenting is an around-the-clock job done at home where we might be accumstomed to giving our emotions more free rein. In addition, it's a job that we receive no training for and the books don't teach us what is really important; that comes only with experience.
As a teacher, I've always told parents that our emotions are the trump card. In other words if we do everything "right" but we are emtionally distraught while doing it, the value is diminished. Instead of being perfect, we might serve our children better by finding our faith, confidence, joy and general sense that all shall be well no matter what comes. When we mirror that for our children, we are like the sun that shines on us everyday reflecting warmth, our children soak it up and become strong.
So rather than trying to do it all and becoming stressed in the process, set up a simple rhythmic lifestyle for your family and then dig deep so your soul can sing while you're doing it. If you need to work fulltime, then work. If you need to go out with women friends to feed your soul, then do it. If you need to ignore the kitchen floor that needs scrubbing so you can take a walk on a beautiful autumn day and savor the colors of the trees, then do it.
That's what early childhood teachers do; they savor the moment and in this way, they join the children in their sacred space. Strong emotions, adult conversations, paying bills all happen when the children are not around. In their presence, we observe with objectivity and respond with an open compassionate heart, knowing that too much emotion is more than a young child can bear. By practicing this way of being, a habit develops, we train ourselves in a way of thinking that brings emotional balance.
That's why it is easier to be a teacher than a parent. We receive training and social support. Come to think of it though, parents are teachers. Do you remember the book, You are Your Child's First Teacher by Rahima Baldwin? I guess the lines in these roles are blurred but I think the message is the same.
Friday, October 2, 2009
Reverence for the Young Child
Rudolf Steiner, the founder of Waldorf education, in speaking to educators said "Receive the children in reverence; educate them in love; let them go forth in freedom."
What does it mean to receive a child in reverence? Most people intuitively do this by slowing down to look at a baby, speaking softly and gesturing gently. There is a sense of wonder and awe that surrounds a newborn no doubt about that. According to Wordsworth, they are "trailing clouds of glory". It's as if the heavens have opened up and given us a gift when a child is born. With time, the child grows, begins to walk and talk. Then there are times when he or she does what we want him or her to do and other times when he or she does not and we experience challenges.
However the child in the first seven years is still in an early phase of life and we are in the welcoming or receiving gesture as adults. Although the growing child asks for guidance and consciousness from us, still we have a sense of reverence toward this new being that has come into our lives. That's what early childhood education is about.
I have observed recently firstborns are indeed received with reverence and parents tend to exercise great care for that child's upbringing, yet there can be a great deal of concern about the impact of a second child on the first one. From one generation to the next, it's seems that there's been a paradigm shift about siblings.
When I was growing up, I had a new sibling every few years until I was fourteen-years-old and the eighth and last child was born. Although the first sibling came only a year after me and possibly I was "dethroned" a little early, I am convinced that having a best friend for life is a greater benefit than the price I paid for her showing up early. The general sense was that a new sibling was a blessing and we were grateful.
I'll never forget when my youngest sister was born (after two brothers came and several years went by and we didn't think there would be any more children), we would come home from school and stand around her crib just gazing at her. Those were special moments for the bigger children and in spite of our ages, even the adolescents felt embraced by that little piece of heaven in our home.
I'm wondering when getting a sibling became such a great challenge. I often hear today that parents worry about the impact of a sibling on the firstborn as if the new child is a burden. Is it possible to substitute blessing for burden and to imagine that the older child and the whole family has been gifted and although challenges lie ahead as they always do, we can choose to emphasize the blessings? Receiving a child with reverence is not exclusive; I think it touches all those in its presence.
What does it mean to receive a child in reverence? Most people intuitively do this by slowing down to look at a baby, speaking softly and gesturing gently. There is a sense of wonder and awe that surrounds a newborn no doubt about that. According to Wordsworth, they are "trailing clouds of glory". It's as if the heavens have opened up and given us a gift when a child is born. With time, the child grows, begins to walk and talk. Then there are times when he or she does what we want him or her to do and other times when he or she does not and we experience challenges.
However the child in the first seven years is still in an early phase of life and we are in the welcoming or receiving gesture as adults. Although the growing child asks for guidance and consciousness from us, still we have a sense of reverence toward this new being that has come into our lives. That's what early childhood education is about.
I have observed recently firstborns are indeed received with reverence and parents tend to exercise great care for that child's upbringing, yet there can be a great deal of concern about the impact of a second child on the first one. From one generation to the next, it's seems that there's been a paradigm shift about siblings.
When I was growing up, I had a new sibling every few years until I was fourteen-years-old and the eighth and last child was born. Although the first sibling came only a year after me and possibly I was "dethroned" a little early, I am convinced that having a best friend for life is a greater benefit than the price I paid for her showing up early. The general sense was that a new sibling was a blessing and we were grateful.
I'll never forget when my youngest sister was born (after two brothers came and several years went by and we didn't think there would be any more children), we would come home from school and stand around her crib just gazing at her. Those were special moments for the bigger children and in spite of our ages, even the adolescents felt embraced by that little piece of heaven in our home.
I'm wondering when getting a sibling became such a great challenge. I often hear today that parents worry about the impact of a sibling on the firstborn as if the new child is a burden. Is it possible to substitute blessing for burden and to imagine that the older child and the whole family has been gifted and although challenges lie ahead as they always do, we can choose to emphasize the blessings? Receiving a child with reverence is not exclusive; I think it touches all those in its presence.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
An Introduction to the Four Temperaments
There are four seasons of the year, four elements (earth, fire, water and air) and four basic temperaments present in human beings. Hippocrates identified them to better understand individual differences and how they affect the way people respond to healing treatments. It behooves educators and parents to know something about them in order to understand and meet the needs of our children. It also helps us in the lifelong endeavor of understanding ourselves and our relationships with others.
I will introduce you to the temperaments and suggest if you are interested in learning more, to look into Steiner books or the Anthroposophic Press for a selection of reading material on the topic. Waldorf teachers use this information to adapt their lessons for the children they teach as well as to enhance their understanding of the people they encounter. With the thumbnail sketch that I am providing, it could be possible to oversimplify the temperaments, when in reality, human beings are full of nuances. Let this picture be a beginning of your understanding, something to build on.
The four temperaments are: choleric, melancholic, phlegmatic and sanguine. Of course, each temperament can be in balance or not and how we perceive them varies greatly depending on whether or not there is balance. Temperaments are not good or bad and with maturity and self-development, we strive to have some of each temperament to become whole. Children on the other hand, tend to exhibit strongly more of one temperament and so we can easily perceive their strengths and what needs to be strengthened or balanced. There is also a time in our lives when each of the temperaments is most strongly respresented; for example, childhood is a time of sanguinity and so even a child with a choleric temperament will have a strong sanguine component in childhood.
The choleric temperament is marked by passion and they can be great leaders or if inbalanced, dictators. The choleric temperament is represented by fire and the season of summer. Cholerics are action-oriented and like to get things done, applying a great deal of energy and heart to achieving, often looking for challenges. A child with a choleric temperament has a strong will and is usually quite active; they tend to be extroverted. Typically in a person's life, the time when choleric tendencies are most present is in youth.
If the choleric is associated with action and the summer, melancholics are associated with deep thinking, the earth and the season of autumn. They can be very compassionate and so great humanitarians if they do not get stuck in self-pity and over subjectivity. Melancholics have a rich inner life and are usually introverted. Young children who have a melancholic temperament tend to pay a lot of attention to physical and emotional hurts and can be brooding. They can also spend a lot of time playing quietly by themselves. Overall, humans tend to become more melancholic when they reach maturity, thinking things through more deeply and keeping an eye out for injustices.
When considering the phelgmatic, think about the season of winter and the element of water. The phlegmatic enjoys comfort and the child with a phlegmatic temperament is also happy to sit and play quietly and he/she loves to eat and sleep. They tend to be introverted and very perceptive. Routines are very important for the phelgmatic and they are usually even-tempered, although they can be very stubborn if pushed. The time of life that has is phlegmatic overall, is old age. Sometimes we meet young children that remind of of old people in young peoples' bodies; they usually have a phelgmatic temperament.
Finally, there is the sanguine temperament which is connected to the season of springtime and the element of air. Think of a butterfly flitting about from one flower to another and you will have a picture of the sanguine temperament. There is a tendency to be fun-loving,to let go of things easily and to like change and diversity. Although the sanguine person can be very caring, if imbalanced, they can be superficial.
Finally, to demonstrate the differences in the four temperaments (again, in an oversimplified way for the sake of education), let's consider how each temperament would face an obstacle, like a log in the middle of the path he/she is hiking along. The choleric would probably quickly remove the log, the phlegmatic would go around it, the melancholic would sit down on it and think about the best way to move it before doing anything and the sanguine would probably jump over it and then perhaps turn around and jump again, making a game of it.
We need all the temperaments for each brings something valuable to the whole world. The more we recognize our own temperament and learn to balance it, the more we can tolerate and appreciate the temperaments of others.
I will introduce you to the temperaments and suggest if you are interested in learning more, to look into Steiner books or the Anthroposophic Press for a selection of reading material on the topic. Waldorf teachers use this information to adapt their lessons for the children they teach as well as to enhance their understanding of the people they encounter. With the thumbnail sketch that I am providing, it could be possible to oversimplify the temperaments, when in reality, human beings are full of nuances. Let this picture be a beginning of your understanding, something to build on.
The four temperaments are: choleric, melancholic, phlegmatic and sanguine. Of course, each temperament can be in balance or not and how we perceive them varies greatly depending on whether or not there is balance. Temperaments are not good or bad and with maturity and self-development, we strive to have some of each temperament to become whole. Children on the other hand, tend to exhibit strongly more of one temperament and so we can easily perceive their strengths and what needs to be strengthened or balanced. There is also a time in our lives when each of the temperaments is most strongly respresented; for example, childhood is a time of sanguinity and so even a child with a choleric temperament will have a strong sanguine component in childhood.
The choleric temperament is marked by passion and they can be great leaders or if inbalanced, dictators. The choleric temperament is represented by fire and the season of summer. Cholerics are action-oriented and like to get things done, applying a great deal of energy and heart to achieving, often looking for challenges. A child with a choleric temperament has a strong will and is usually quite active; they tend to be extroverted. Typically in a person's life, the time when choleric tendencies are most present is in youth.
If the choleric is associated with action and the summer, melancholics are associated with deep thinking, the earth and the season of autumn. They can be very compassionate and so great humanitarians if they do not get stuck in self-pity and over subjectivity. Melancholics have a rich inner life and are usually introverted. Young children who have a melancholic temperament tend to pay a lot of attention to physical and emotional hurts and can be brooding. They can also spend a lot of time playing quietly by themselves. Overall, humans tend to become more melancholic when they reach maturity, thinking things through more deeply and keeping an eye out for injustices.
When considering the phelgmatic, think about the season of winter and the element of water. The phlegmatic enjoys comfort and the child with a phlegmatic temperament is also happy to sit and play quietly and he/she loves to eat and sleep. They tend to be introverted and very perceptive. Routines are very important for the phelgmatic and they are usually even-tempered, although they can be very stubborn if pushed. The time of life that has is phlegmatic overall, is old age. Sometimes we meet young children that remind of of old people in young peoples' bodies; they usually have a phelgmatic temperament.
Finally, there is the sanguine temperament which is connected to the season of springtime and the element of air. Think of a butterfly flitting about from one flower to another and you will have a picture of the sanguine temperament. There is a tendency to be fun-loving,to let go of things easily and to like change and diversity. Although the sanguine person can be very caring, if imbalanced, they can be superficial.
Finally, to demonstrate the differences in the four temperaments (again, in an oversimplified way for the sake of education), let's consider how each temperament would face an obstacle, like a log in the middle of the path he/she is hiking along. The choleric would probably quickly remove the log, the phlegmatic would go around it, the melancholic would sit down on it and think about the best way to move it before doing anything and the sanguine would probably jump over it and then perhaps turn around and jump again, making a game of it.
We need all the temperaments for each brings something valuable to the whole world. The more we recognize our own temperament and learn to balance it, the more we can tolerate and appreciate the temperaments of others.
Monday, July 27, 2009
Buildings are Beings
I've been married to an architect for a long time. When we were in the years of raising young children, we divided up the work so that he did the lion's share of business outside the home and I did the lion's share of child-rearing. That was our arrangement and sometimes it seemed like our "worlds" were miles apart, so distant from each other that we had little in common as far as our work goes.
I've discovered if I remain open, concepts continue to evolve and things are not always as I once thought they were. Architecture and education (whether in the home or in the classroom) are not so different after all. Buildings are beings and in that way, they are like children and architecture like child education. These are some of the likenesses I have found.
Both buildings and children have fixed aspects that you have to work with and things you can change, that are more flexible. It takes a village to raise them, maintain them and if needed, change or renovate them. They are prone to influences from the outside as well as from the inside. The strength of the inside dictates to what extent outside influences will impact them.
It's always best to start with a good foundation and work up from there. A good, solid foundation will allow a building and a human being to live long and live healthy, reinventing itself as it goes along.
Since we're been renovating the building at 257 Lafayette, my interest in architecture has been piqued and I'm intrigued by the process, even though the building's quirks and especially its individual timetable have made me lose sleep at times. Although eager to see the end result, I have to temper my enthusiasm with letting go and not to force things to go my way but step back and let them go the way they will go, with the support of many trusted helpers who have the building's best interest at heart. Does this sound familiar to any of you parents?
Before my husband and I move our businesses into the same building, I'm glad to discover that our "worlds" are not so far away after all.
I've discovered if I remain open, concepts continue to evolve and things are not always as I once thought they were. Architecture and education (whether in the home or in the classroom) are not so different after all. Buildings are beings and in that way, they are like children and architecture like child education. These are some of the likenesses I have found.
Both buildings and children have fixed aspects that you have to work with and things you can change, that are more flexible. It takes a village to raise them, maintain them and if needed, change or renovate them. They are prone to influences from the outside as well as from the inside. The strength of the inside dictates to what extent outside influences will impact them.
It's always best to start with a good foundation and work up from there. A good, solid foundation will allow a building and a human being to live long and live healthy, reinventing itself as it goes along.
Since we're been renovating the building at 257 Lafayette, my interest in architecture has been piqued and I'm intrigued by the process, even though the building's quirks and especially its individual timetable have made me lose sleep at times. Although eager to see the end result, I have to temper my enthusiasm with letting go and not to force things to go my way but step back and let them go the way they will go, with the support of many trusted helpers who have the building's best interest at heart. Does this sound familiar to any of you parents?
Before my husband and I move our businesses into the same building, I'm glad to discover that our "worlds" are not so far away after all.
Monday, July 6, 2009
Practical Solutions
I've noticed a tendency to overthink which is prevalent these days and leads to turning molehills into mountains. In my experience, however, many things are easier to do than they are to think about. Too much thinking creates nervousness, a sign that it's time for action rather than rumination even if the action is just a head-clearing walk around the block.
Why are we prone to so much thinking? I suppose it comes from fear of doing the wrong thing, so the motivation is good. Like most things, it's a matter of balance, it's a good thing that's taken too far.
I've been receiving a lot of interesting articles lately about finding a new balance in parenting and the end of "helicopter parenting". Being prone to overthinking myself, I've decided to take the time to ground this concept before writing about it. I began by looking for role models and will write about one today.
We were in Germany for my father-in-law's funeral last week so we've all been reminiscing a lot about him and his life. His 95 years were marked by several things, including excellent health, joie de vivre and his remarkably strong will forces. I've read that the faculties we develop in early childhood are the last to go. Even in his elderly years, after retiring at 80, he recorded every thing he did each day and kept his affairs and household in order, and by doing so, maintained limber mental faculties and a strong life force.
His life was a testament to keeping it simple (the opposite of overthinking things), and we observed him make a decision, then stick by it with consistent action. Clarity and consistency paid off in his life and he achieved great success in business and relationships, leaving this life with his affairs in order.
As far as parenting young children, this is a reminder that the framework we provide for our young children serves them for their lifetimes and is their mainstay in old age when other faculties start fading. Now, instead of letting this be a reason to overthink what is the right thing for our children, try keeping it simple by focusing on the moment. Children need consistent (not rigid) rhythms, repetition (doing things overall in the same way each day) and reverence or deep respect that is best bestowed by being totally present, listening and observing. without getting lost in ruminations.
Decide what you want to do and then follow through with clarity and consistency. While doing, think less, speak less, be more present and enjoy what you are doing while you're doing it.
This simple wisdom makes for healthy homelife and strong children even into their old age.
Why are we prone to so much thinking? I suppose it comes from fear of doing the wrong thing, so the motivation is good. Like most things, it's a matter of balance, it's a good thing that's taken too far.
I've been receiving a lot of interesting articles lately about finding a new balance in parenting and the end of "helicopter parenting". Being prone to overthinking myself, I've decided to take the time to ground this concept before writing about it. I began by looking for role models and will write about one today.
We were in Germany for my father-in-law's funeral last week so we've all been reminiscing a lot about him and his life. His 95 years were marked by several things, including excellent health, joie de vivre and his remarkably strong will forces. I've read that the faculties we develop in early childhood are the last to go. Even in his elderly years, after retiring at 80, he recorded every thing he did each day and kept his affairs and household in order, and by doing so, maintained limber mental faculties and a strong life force.
His life was a testament to keeping it simple (the opposite of overthinking things), and we observed him make a decision, then stick by it with consistent action. Clarity and consistency paid off in his life and he achieved great success in business and relationships, leaving this life with his affairs in order.
As far as parenting young children, this is a reminder that the framework we provide for our young children serves them for their lifetimes and is their mainstay in old age when other faculties start fading. Now, instead of letting this be a reason to overthink what is the right thing for our children, try keeping it simple by focusing on the moment. Children need consistent (not rigid) rhythms, repetition (doing things overall in the same way each day) and reverence or deep respect that is best bestowed by being totally present, listening and observing. without getting lost in ruminations.
Decide what you want to do and then follow through with clarity and consistency. While doing, think less, speak less, be more present and enjoy what you are doing while you're doing it.
This simple wisdom makes for healthy homelife and strong children even into their old age.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
"Real" work and its effect on Young Children
I just finished reading Little Heathens by Mildred Armstrong Kalish. It's the story of her days growing up on a farm in Iowa where they made everything from scratch. According to her description, she not only survived but truly thrived in that atmosphere of industry and goodness.
In the book, I learned recipes like the one for carrot marmalade,how to make soap as well as antedotes to bee stings and much more. A lot of this folk wisdom, Kalish laments, is not being passed down to the next generation. She also noted that some of the character traits she acquired are not being actively taught anymore, since they are not required as much in our modern lives with all the conveniences.
Allow me to share Kalish's concluding paragraph:
"Now, how to conclude my story without making comments that will probably
seem sappy about the virtues of resourcefulness, dedication, hard work,
discipline, creativity, and goodwill? Isn't it perfectly obvious to all that those early childhood experiences, under those special conditions with those particular relatives on that Iowa farm, prepared me for the modestly successful, hugely satisfying, truly blessed life that has been my lot? I shall always be grateful."
I couldn't help but think about Waldorf Early Childhood Education when I was reading this book. It was "real" work that made Kalish feel important as a child. She was able to participate in making life happen on the farm. Children, depending on their age of course, were a part of day-to-day life, not sheltered, entertained or in any way separate from what was "real" and important. Yes, they were protected from foul language and premature information, but otherwise, they were included.
That's what we do in our Waldorf early childhood classrooms. Children help to prepare the snack, set the table, wash the dishes and clean the room. Adults in their presence are engaged in work that the children can imitate in their play. It's not becuase the adults could not do the work alone, but we engage the children so they can learn through active participation. It's satisfying, it builds self-esteem and serves their development.
As a matter of fact, when I feel out of sorts, few things set me right more than gardening, housecleaning or other chores. They are grounding to me, so I can imagine what they give young children while they are developing their physical bodies and their senses. By the way, Kalish did leave the farm and went on to be an English professor and lived in metropolitan areas. Those early childhood experiences, however, gave her the solid ground that supported her throughout her life. What ground are we giving our children to stand on?
In the book, I learned recipes like the one for carrot marmalade,how to make soap as well as antedotes to bee stings and much more. A lot of this folk wisdom, Kalish laments, is not being passed down to the next generation. She also noted that some of the character traits she acquired are not being actively taught anymore, since they are not required as much in our modern lives with all the conveniences.
Allow me to share Kalish's concluding paragraph:
"Now, how to conclude my story without making comments that will probably
seem sappy about the virtues of resourcefulness, dedication, hard work,
discipline, creativity, and goodwill? Isn't it perfectly obvious to all that those early childhood experiences, under those special conditions with those particular relatives on that Iowa farm, prepared me for the modestly successful, hugely satisfying, truly blessed life that has been my lot? I shall always be grateful."
I couldn't help but think about Waldorf Early Childhood Education when I was reading this book. It was "real" work that made Kalish feel important as a child. She was able to participate in making life happen on the farm. Children, depending on their age of course, were a part of day-to-day life, not sheltered, entertained or in any way separate from what was "real" and important. Yes, they were protected from foul language and premature information, but otherwise, they were included.
That's what we do in our Waldorf early childhood classrooms. Children help to prepare the snack, set the table, wash the dishes and clean the room. Adults in their presence are engaged in work that the children can imitate in their play. It's not becuase the adults could not do the work alone, but we engage the children so they can learn through active participation. It's satisfying, it builds self-esteem and serves their development.
As a matter of fact, when I feel out of sorts, few things set me right more than gardening, housecleaning or other chores. They are grounding to me, so I can imagine what they give young children while they are developing their physical bodies and their senses. By the way, Kalish did leave the farm and went on to be an English professor and lived in metropolitan areas. Those early childhood experiences, however, gave her the solid ground that supported her throughout her life. What ground are we giving our children to stand on?
Monday, June 15, 2009
Children and Flowers
"Having children is like planting seeds from an unmarked packet. You vaguely believe you'll get daisies, but instead you get roses, morning glories, iris...all wonderful and beautiful, like you."
- anonymous
Being that its summer and we are working daily to open this early childhood center. flowers and children are a big focus of mine. How lucky am I, because I love them both! With my garden, I enjoy planting, weeding, and picking a bouquet of flowers to bring inside. When I pick a bouquet, I like to mix flowers with aromatic herbs like peppermint and even a few weeds.
Aren't weeds just plants we haven't found a use for yet? Or are they the right thing in the wrong place? Dandelions for instance are very useful and farmers grow them to sell the greens. Besides the edible leaves, the roots can be used to make a tincture that aids in liver functioning and digestion, but also the flowers can be made into crowns or necklaces. Finally, the puffball of seeds can be blown to scatter wishes and dreams and of course, ultimately, more dandelions.
I took a course in the dandelion last summer. We picked, observed and painted them. With a deepened appreciation for the plant, I named the day care program we were building, Dandelion Day Care. Then through the oourse of this year, we found a home and named it the Rose Garden. Now I wonder what kind of plants will bloom there. Whatever seeds come, I know we will observe them respectfully, care for them lovingly and be grateful for the contribution each one brings. We'll provide the rich nutrients, fresh air and warmth they need to grow strong.
I love tending then witnessing the growth and beauty.
- anonymous
Being that its summer and we are working daily to open this early childhood center. flowers and children are a big focus of mine. How lucky am I, because I love them both! With my garden, I enjoy planting, weeding, and picking a bouquet of flowers to bring inside. When I pick a bouquet, I like to mix flowers with aromatic herbs like peppermint and even a few weeds.
Aren't weeds just plants we haven't found a use for yet? Or are they the right thing in the wrong place? Dandelions for instance are very useful and farmers grow them to sell the greens. Besides the edible leaves, the roots can be used to make a tincture that aids in liver functioning and digestion, but also the flowers can be made into crowns or necklaces. Finally, the puffball of seeds can be blown to scatter wishes and dreams and of course, ultimately, more dandelions.
I took a course in the dandelion last summer. We picked, observed and painted them. With a deepened appreciation for the plant, I named the day care program we were building, Dandelion Day Care. Then through the oourse of this year, we found a home and named it the Rose Garden. Now I wonder what kind of plants will bloom there. Whatever seeds come, I know we will observe them respectfully, care for them lovingly and be grateful for the contribution each one brings. We'll provide the rich nutrients, fresh air and warmth they need to grow strong.
I love tending then witnessing the growth and beauty.
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