Guilt, Embarrassment and Shame

I meet a lot of mothers who work outside the home and take care of their young children in a conscientious way. Not one of them is perfect in her own eyes but they are good enough and their children benefit from the decisions made on their behalf. Since every human makes mistakes, letting go of perfection is essential, for it allows us to address reality in a straightforward way. What we do about mistakes is triggered by how we respond emotionally; it makes all the difference since our children are watching and learning. Guilt is the response to making a mistake; it's a signal that we must make reparations by cleaning up a mess and/or changing our behavior. Let's consider an accident where we spill milk on the floor because we were moving too fast. Oops! It needs to be cleaned up so we get out a rag and clean it, absolving our guilt and considering that it would be a good idea to slow down. Then we move on a little more consciously but we do not lament what happened. It's done. However, if we have an accident and then feel embarrassed because we are not allowed to make mistakes, feelings of shame develop. Shame is connected to low self esteem and the thought that we are a mistake rather than we made a mistake. It's not so easily cleaned up like spilt milk, because it is an internalized self image. Hence, the tricky thing about mistakes is that we need to accept them, acknowledge our guilt and clean them up, possibly even laughing at ourselves to avoid contributing to feelings of shame and negative self worth. If we get caught in embarrassment and shame, our children absorb these feelings and the cycle of perfectionism, embarrassment and shame is perpetuated. Guilt and subsequent reparations provide relief, but shame only increases with each incident; making murky the issue at hand. Every evening before going to sleep, look back on your day and consider what you did well and what you could improve. Then resolve to make changes the next day and celebrate victories. This is how we learn and grow. We are perfectly human; life is our school. Take the time to let it teach you. You will give your children permission to make mistakes and then model how to handle them - everyone will gain confidence as you go.