The Rose Petal

How did I get here?

2012-02-28T10:47:00.002-05:00

We went to the annual WECAN (Waldorf Early Childhood Association of North American)Conference early this month. It's held at Sunbridge Institute just outside New York City. The keynote speaker opened with a question, "How did you get here?" referring to the journey we each took to get to the conference that weekend but also the big picture of how we came to do the work we are doing. The speaker went on to explain his journey to teaching in a Waldorf kindergarten in France, including both the conscious and unconscious components. Then he spoke about his work before he closed with a verse from Rudolf Steiner, a verse that returned us to the opening question.

The wishes of the soul are springing.
The deeds of the will are thriving.
The fruits of life are maturing.

I feel my fate,
My fate finds me.
I feel my star,
My star finds me.
I feel my goals in life,
My goals in life are finding me.
My soul and the great World are one.
Life grows more radiant around me,
Life grows more difficult for me,
Life grows richer within me.

Strive for peace.
Love peace.
Live in peace.

This verse was pinned to the bulletin board in my kitchen for years and I would ponder its meaning and my destiny path. As I look back now, I marvel over what has happened in my life, bearing witness to the words in the verse. I am not afraid of life growing more difficult (as I was when I first encountered the verse) because I now know difficulty is balanced by wonder and sheer delight in meeting a destiny path. As I walk it, it carries me along.

When I was young, my mother stayed at home with eight children and my father would drive to work mornings. During the 1970's, he noticed many women bringing young children to places outside their home for the day. This troubled my father, it was a new social model, one he did not understand and he was concerned about how the children would fare. My father is deceased more than 10 years now and I think of him often and his consistency (never missed a day of work) as well as his sensitivity toward the issue of child care.

Almost ten years ago, I was teaching in the Early Childhood program at Aurora Waldorf School and I wanted to do some training over the summer. I decided to go to the Rudolf Steiner Institute which was then housed on a college campus in Maine. Surveying the course offerings, I chose a LifeWays course because it matched my sensibility of "keeping it simple", empahasizing relationships and processes rather than products in Early Childhood Education.

When I took the course, I found there was an option to continue LifeWays training; I did and became certified. The question of child care that my father posed when I was young, resurfaced and I found the concept of creating a LifeWays Center growing in me. I took steps forward wondering how it would all work out and knowing it would both at the same time.

Through this process, I was brought to the task of social entrepreneurship, a task although difficult, made easier by the knowledge that it's my work to do. At the onset, resources I thought were available were not and other unexpected resources showed up. It's been interesting to discover what is beyond each bend in the road and to see our three year old Center becoming what it is meant to become for in the process, we are all becoming. What a joy to witness what was once invisible now living in the physical world for all to see!

Yet we are not done; we've laid the foundation for hosting a LifeWays training in Buffalo and we are eagerly anticipating what it will become. Soon we will know if there are enough participants for the first Buffalo training to begin in April or if we are meant to find another way. At any rate, we know that what we need to find we will find, and the rest will find us.

Teaching Resilience in Early Childhood

2012-01-26T14:53:00.003-05:00

I cleaned out my file cabinet this month, rediscovering articles once buried. One that I found interesting is "Resilience" written by Christof Wiechert and published in "Waldorf Today", an electronic newsletter. Since an increased number of veterans of the Iraq war (more than previous wars) have struggled to re-enter civilian life, researchers have been studying why some people recover from the truama and others don't.

The research is about resilience or the ability to bounce back and overcome the impact of traumatic experiences. Researchers found that resilience is not innate but it's learned in early childhood. To teach resilience, the following five conditions need to be present in early childhood.

1. The infant needs a reliable, stable relationship with one person. In time, a second, third or fourth person can be added but there must be one constant in the early days of a child's life.

2. The child needs authority. Having decisions about what is good, right and healthy made for them allows the child to gain trust that things will be taken care of for her. She grows secure in surroundings that can be relied on to keep her safe.

3. Children need to learn through example. Saying one thing and doing another does not work. Children imitate what they see so they need to be surrounded by people who live according to their moral standards, allowing children to learn habits in a totality, reinforced by what they see and hear. In this way, children do not need to discrimate to find the truth, it's apparent.

4. Children need a qualitative experience of time. They learn about time through experiencing the qualities of the time of day, the seasons of the year and the stages of life. They learn the "feel" of morning and evening, of summer and winter, of the order of things. Rituals that celebrate meals or bedtime and seasonal festivals help to teach the quality of time.

5. The last condition in developing resilience is a surplus of positive school experiences. In particular, children need to feel fully accepted by their teachers, to go to school in a warm, loving environment. Nonethless, children might experience emergencies in life (natural disasters, a loved one gets sick or a parent loses a job, etc.). Hence, schools need to provide opportunities for children to work through the traumas they might experience. Research has shown that creative free play and artistic activities can heal trauma. Hence, art needs to be a part of every educational curriculum.

Blessed by a Baby

2011-12-20T11:12:00.003-05:00

Have you ever noticed the hush that surrounds a newborn? The infant's power is to evoke tenderness and wonder. I've witnessed the most burly of men and busy young children slow down to find a tiny voice and a gentle touch before an infant.

I'm blessed to be surrounded by young children who carry a hint of the baby about them. They are innocent, wonderful and powerful in their presence. They remember the look of love that met them when they first arrived. Their expectations of the world can be a better match for heaven but with our guidance, they learn to adapt to life as it is, to bring their best and make the best of our imperfect world.

The challenge of parenting is to gaze lovingly at our growing and at times, demanding children while also bringing ongoing lessons about how life works. In other words, to teach the baby how to be a child who gets along with others and grows up to be an adult who can fulfill his or her purpose and mission. It's a long journey and it begins with the most wonderous and beautiful of beings, the baby.

Perhaps that's why I am so enamored with the Christmas story; it centers around an infant, an image I can relate to. Time begins with this infant, the stars align for him and all the world awaits and celebrates his arrival every year.

At this time of year in the natural world, the light begins its return and on our calendars, the new year begins. It's a time to pause and remember. We were all once infants and by virtue of our humanity, we have the power to experience awe, to be tender with ourselves and others and to begin again.

Another cycle and continuing cycles of life await us. For now, take time to experience wonder, to celebrate and to know the blessing of the baby surrounds us.

Food for Thought

2011-11-25T12:01:00.003-05:00

What if you knew you would have more room for positive interactions with your child if you set consistent boundaries?

What if your child would be more more popular and socially integrated if you gave him or her kind but firm guidance and direction?

What if your parenting experience could be made easier if you healed your own childhood wounds, those that block you from implementing parameters your child is asking for?

What if you could heal your past and find freedom to set clear boundaries with your child to foster security, trust and space for more joy and peace in your homelife?

What if your mealtimes, bedtime, getting dressed and going places could be simplified and occasional bumps could be resolved without too much stress and strain?

What if you were the author of your life, creating a family culture like you've dreamed about, embracing authority in your role as parent like wearing a beautiful, loosely fitting and comfortable cloak?

What if you, your partner and your child loved that cloak and you wore it with dignity?

Life is the curriculum; Technology can wait

2011-10-27T12:34:00.003-04:00

"A child's life is like a piece of paper on which every passerby leaves a mark."
- Chinese proverb

As an early childhood educator, these marks are my occupation and that's why we chose the LifeWays model, based on Rudolf Steiner's indications about human development. Life is the curriculum for young children. leaving sense and soul- nourishing marks when brought with warmth and joy.

We have a technology-free environment for the children in the Rose Garden Early Childhood Center and so the article on the front page of last Sunday's (October 25, 2011) New York Times called "A Silicon Valley School That Doesn't Compute" got my attention. Many heads of technology companies in Silicon Valley send their children to the Waldorf Schools there, knowing that they do not encounter technology until 8th grade and that's fine with them. They can learn to use this tool when they are ready, after focusing on hands-on creativity during their early childhood and elementary school years.

It's not a matter of whether technology is good or bad but rather a matter of bringing the right thing at the right time. Once the marks of human goodness, beauty and truth are left on a child, then technology has its place as a tool that can enhance connections and creativity. It makes sense to bring "real" life before "virtual" life.

Recently, the American Pediatric Association republished their position about television. They recommend that children two and younger are not exposed to it, citing the physical ramifications of television viewing. A writer for the Huffington Post responded to the APA's position and wrote in favor of television viewing as a relief for parents of young children. She went on to explain how her day involves being "on" for her children, so when she needs to turn "off", the television goes on.

It seems there is social pressure for parents at home with young children to interact, stimulate or entertain them. That is not only unsustainable for parents, it's a set-up for disappointment for children. Life does not work that way. It is not always exciting or entertaining; there are periods of quiet and tedium even. It's learning to embrace the quiet and the everydayness of life that makes us balanced.

We often hear teachers commenting that children have trouble attending in school and that they expect to be enetertained. They are wired for stimulation; that's what they are used to. But what if we taught our children about life, for example that a taste of freshly-baked bread comes after mixing and kneading dough, then baking it and letting it cool? Then there is also the washing dishes and sweeping the flour off the floor. All of that goes into the savory warm bread and it stimulates our senses, nourishing children and adults simultaneously. At the same time, it does not lead parents to desperately need respite in television-viewing for their child because the task itself is not draining, perhaps a quiet book or a nap happens while the bread it in the oven as a part of the plan. That's the way it is with domestic activities, they engage us and bring a breathing in and out as a part of the process.

Today's children will learn about technology when they need to, but for now, I'm grateful for the LifeWays model so they can learn about life, the most important curriculum for developing humans.

Michaelmas Memories

2011-09-29T20:45:00.002-04:00

It's Michaelmas day, September 29th, and celebrating the festival brings back memories of years past. I picture my children wearing red, my daughter's long hair braided, both with shining eyes as they watched the dragon writhing during an assembly in their Waldorf School.

On this festival, we have shared a harvest loaf and song, tossed shooting stars made of silk and ribbons, and hiked in the woods. This is the celebration of Michael, who was known for vanquishing the dragon. Besides social festivities, adults find a chance for self development by recognizing inner dragons in order to keep them at bay. The image for the festival is that of the horseman pointing his sword toward the dragon surrendering at his feet.

This is the time of year that we reap the harvest and begin preparations for the winter months ahead. We embrace Michaelmas stories of heavenly fire coming down to earth through shooting stars and iron rich raisins that we knead into our harvest loaf. We shore up our strength, exercising our will to be the best we can be. Fortified by a rich celebration with friends and family, we enter the season of Michaelmas ready to do our work.

Gibran on Children

2011-09-08T16:04:00.001-04:00

On Children
Kahlil Gibran

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.

The Promise of a Rose Garden

2011-06-27T09:58:00.002-04:00

There's a song from the 70's that I don't expect you to remember since many of you were not yet born, but it's called "I never promised you a Rose Garden." Sometimes I consider what that phrase means, because well, I do promise a Rose Garden. The name of the Center was chosen for many reasons: my mother's name is Rosemary, the program emphasizes outdoor play and kindergarten (a German word) translates into Child's Garden. Besides, I love roses, how they look, smell, feel and even taste. Their beauty inspires me as it has many poets and writers in the past.

June is the month roses bloom in Buffalo and whenever I see them, it gives me pause. I know, however, they do not get that way without some effort. I've planted a few bushes and have learned what it takes to help a bush survive its first winter and then to produce red, velvety blossoms on its thorny branches. It's always helpful if the bush comes to me with a strong root system and I get it in the ground as soon as possible. When planting a rose bush, I build up a mound of compost-rich soil around it, water it if it gets dry and remove weeds or ground cover that tries to grow too close to it, and then I step back and watch, noting signs of growth or the need to cut back a dead branch (wearing gloves so to not get pricked by thorns), getting excited when buds appear and progress into blossoms that eventually drop their petals leaving the tight pink bulb that's called rosehips. It makes a delicious tea rich in Vitamin C.

There are three main factors involved in growing roses:

1. the root factor or the innate health of the rosebush
2. the care factor or how well it is tended (knowing when to step in and when to step back)
3. the miracle factor or how forces beyond our control make a thorny branch produce roses

Back to the 70's hit, it mentions "along with the sunshine, there's got to be a little rain sometime." Surely, it takes both sun and rain for a rose to grow. it seems to me that promising a rose garden is a promise of balance since beautiful roses grow on thorny branches. You cannot have one without the other. It represents life on life's terms, wanting the best but accepting and working with what comes, continually watering and weeding and watching.

Children come to us with their own root systems. At the Rose Garden, we tend, weed, water and feed nutrient rich food. Then we step back and await the miracle of growth and development that makes roses and children bloom, and we celebrate it.

Mothering

2011-05-24T09:15:00.002-04:00

I have the privelege of being in the company of many mothers; all of whom are caring and doing their best to raise their children. My hat goes off and my heart goes out to them for I know that the journey is one that can bring us both to our knees as well as jumping for joy, sometimes all in the same day. Overall, it is a daily practice that requires us to meet what comes with an open heart one day at a time.

What does it take to mother consciously in spite of the prevailing insecurity of our times? When I ponder this question, a mother comes to mind who appears to have found inner balance enough to remain calm in the face of life's daily challenges. Children are reassured by a calm presence and it is a joy to be around her. My guess is that this mother's temperament helps her to stay unruffled but no matter what we have been given, how can we cultivate calm in the presence of the ever-excited little beings that are our children?

There are always two strands of information coming to us; one from the outside that includes time, weather, our child's mood or state of health, resources available, etc. and the other strand of information comes from within including our feelings, thoughts, judgments, history, etc. How do we carefully observe both the outer realities as well as the inner ones to respond consciously rather than react to circumstances? First of all, staying calm allows us enough time to notice both strands of information and to choose our response, rather than reacting.

Conscious mothering involves taking in external information while cultivating our inward response. It means:

Even when our child is unhappy or struggling (in a situation that has been determined to be good) a mother can choose to affirm her child's strength and trust that she will pull through.
Trust comes from the inside.

Even when we are in a hurry because we are late in getting somewhere, a mother can choose to stay calm and go forward without rushing. Acting deliberately gets us to the goal faster.
Calm is a gesture that comes from the inside; it's a practice.

Even if our child is shy, we can bring her to a place where she can learn social skills. We can enourage her growth in spite of resistance by bringing what she needs instead of what she craves which could be to stay home.
Encouragement is generated from the inside, coming from a strong heart (the french word for heart is coeur).

Even though a child does not want to wear clothing for the weather, a mother can insist that she dress for the season rather than changing whims. In this way, inner resolve meets outward information to foster common sense and balance.
Authority comes from the inside.

Even if our child develops according to her own timetable and has her own idiosycracies (like all of us), we can accept and love her just as she is, mirroring a warm and calm presence like sunshine that will validate her and help her become all she can be in her own time and in her own way.
A steady, sunny disposition comes from the inside.

Happy Mothering Month and blessings on your journey.

Love's other name: Discipline

2011-04-19T15:05:00.002-04:00

I wish I could say that I came up with that phrase, I didn't, but I went to the Gateways conference with that title at the Toronto Waldorf School last weekend. The keynote speaker was Sharifa Oppenheimer who wrote, Heaven on Earth, the handbook for parenting young children. Sharifa has spent her life's work thinking about family cultures, raising children and teaching in Waldorf early childhood programs. She has the knack of making it seem simple due to her years of research and experience.

When she spoke, I couldn't help but notice Sharifa's manner. She was very focused and an excellent presenter, but she was very relaxed. In her talk, Sharifa mentioned the importance of being self-disciplined rather than driven which is a common way of being in our culture. Driven, she said is unsustainable and actually destructive whereas self-disciplined involves a sense of self which is lacking when we are driven. By opening with the distinction between driven and self-disciplined, Sharifa noted that it won't work if we take on her suggestions in a driven sort of way, but it's better to commit to making one change at a time. This kind of change is sustainable.

Discipline is a word that is defined by Webster as "punishment" so it's no wonder that many of us are ambivalent about it. Sharifa reframed the word, noting that the root of discipline is disciple which means to lovingly follow. Children are programmed from birth to lovingly follow us so it's our job to lovingly lead, to set limits that give our children information about how the world works. That's a more appealing picture of discipline.

In order to do this, we need a plan. We need to have family rhythms in place, plenty of time for child's play, artistic activities as well as family work and play. We need to find a way to say yes as much as possible so that when we say no it is more impactful. Our consciousness needs to be clear so we are firm and kind, able to use simple, non-emotional statements. Even with this strong structure and habits in place, we will have times, usually during transitions, when our children present us with "disciplinary moments".

What do we do then? According to Sharifa, there are five steps to follow.
1. Look at our outer rhythms. Do we need to make a change for the seasons or has our child outgrown a nap or a certain ritual we have in place? Then adjust the rhythm.
2. Look at our inner rhythms. Are we feeling out of sync because we are tired or hungry or feeling upset?. Then make self-adjustments.
3. Distract the child. For example the two-year-old is knocking over her big brother's block castle. Show her the bird out the window and engage in observation and a conversation about the bird so she forgets about the castle.
4. Bring her into the adult rhythm. "Come stand by me while I do the dishes. We'll pull up a chair so you are tall enough."
5. If she persists in going back to knock over the castle, bring the child close and put your arm around her and share information in a non-emotional way. For example, "In our house, we are kind to each other. If you continue to knock over your brother's building, you won't be able to play with him."

That's it! When I heard Sharifa share these guidelines, I realized I had heard these steps before. it's our discplinary policy at the Center and I can attest that it works! Children look to us for information, their experience is limited and they know it, but their hearts are open so they make excellent disciples as long as we lovingly lead.

Things I Wish I Had Learned Sooner

2011-03-24T14:52:00.002-04:00

We had a tape dispenser in my parents' house that said, "We grow too soon old and too late smart". I'm sure someone gave it to my mother and those words were invisible to her, but as a child, I remember wondering what they could mean. As an adult, I can now subscribe some meaning to them mostly in connection with my children since I learned about parenting by parenting them and now I know things that I didn't know then.

There are a few things I wish I knew sooner:

Clear, consistent boundaries are loving gestures that make children and their parents feel secure.

If you do the right things without peacefulness and joy, the actions will not bring the result you hoped for.

Children are not an opportunity to heal adult wounds or set things right from the parent's past.

Our children have their own paths and they might not match the ones we want for them.

We cannot fake anything with our children so we may as well be honest since they know what we are feeling anyway. It's okay to say "I'm feeling upset now so I'm going to take a minute until I feel better."

The sooner children learn that life will not mold itself to their wishes (so it's a false message to continually try to fulfill their desires), the sooner they can learn to live life on life's terms and be happy.

Children learn what they see so if we are imperfect yet striving to do and be our best, they will learn to strive and when they learn new things, they might sometimes wish they had learned them sooner, however, there is no going back, only forward. The best way to go forward is to keep learning and to share what we have learned so others may learn, too.

Let Our Children Play!

2011-02-22T12:33:00.007-05:00

I'm waxing nostalgic today after spending the weekend cleaning out my childhood home. Side by side with my siblings, we dusted off boxes and sorted through stuff and memories. Having eaten Grandma's spaghetti sauce for the last time in that kitchen has left me with a lot more than dinner to digest.

My parents bought the house in 1949 after they got married and my father went to work while my mother stayed at home, eventually caring for eight children. There were many other stay-at-home moms in the neighborhood and we had lots of playmates. In between school, family dinners, weekly visits from the grandparents, chores and Sunday evening bath and pajamas before dinner rituals, we had a lot of playtime. We explored the neighborhood, played organized games, invented games and overall learned about ourselves, other people and life.

We had no idea how lucky we were to be normal children living in a time when normal had a wide range and was something to strive for. Our upbringing taught us to fit in and it also allowed room for each of us 4 boys and 4 girls to be individuals, pursuing our own dreams in our own timeframes. As far as I can tell, everybody is still normal although not alike; we are chipping in for the common good of clearing out the house and taking care of my mother who once took care of us.

When I say normal, I don't mean perfect. We aren't. My childhood had its share of bumps, bruises, bad choices and unfulfilled expectations; that's what makes it so normal; without them I'd be too special to be able to join the group and pitch in, to do my part as child #4 in a litter of 8.

There is a lot of concern today about children's readiness for learning and so the emphasis has shifted away from play to skill-based curriculums and teaching test skills. This is meant to make children advance. Research shows that the more economically-deprived the children, the more emphasis on curriculum which is actually widening the performance gap. Research also indicates that the most important early childhood lesson is self-control. If all other factors are even, it's self-control that will decide who succeeds and who does not.

Three other reasons to bring back play and a developmentally appropriate early childhood curriculum are:
1. The link between violent behavior in young children and lack of developmentally appropriate play
2. The correlation between play and our national genius for inventiveness (that we are emphasizing for our future economy)
3. Play is the best way to teach self-regulation or self control.

There are groups of early childhood educators in Washington, DC and New York City that are gathering to advocate the return of play. For more information, go to these websites:
http://www.npr.org/2011/02/14/133629477/for-kids-self-control-factors-into-future-success
http://www.indefenseofchildhood.org/index.html
http://www.deborahmeier.com/Columns/column06-11.htm

Consider becoming an advocate for children; they are voiceless and activism can make a difference. The research is clear; the American Pediatric Association has come out in favor of play. Children need to learn self control, creativity and to cooperate within a group. Once they are allowed to be normal; children's unique gifts and talents can blossom. I heard it jokingly said that "normal is the new special".

Adjust Parenting Style for Children's Temperaments

2011-01-25T09:36:00.003-05:00

All children are not alike. They come with their own temperaments and respond to stimulus accordingly. The sound in the room that is barely noticable to one child might put another on edge. This has powerful implications for child education. As a teacher and a parent, study of temperaments has always fascinated me and so I was excited to see an article on "The Melancholic Child - Gifts and Challenges" in the Winter issue of Renewal Magazine, the Journal of Waldorf Education.

Rudolf Steiner revived Hippocrates four temperaments as a tool to understand personality, educate children and further self development. This understanding plays a big role in Waldorf education, but it can be difficult to determine a child's temperament in the early childhood years when the child is still so unformed. However, in the 1950's, psychologists studied infants and their response to stimulus. Based on observable behaviors, they found that the infants fit into three categories: flexible, feisty or fearful.

Later research done by Jerome Kagan led to the founding of the temperament studies laboratory at Harvard University and further observation of young children. He found that some children are highly sensitive and have a lower threshold of arousal in certain parts of the brain. Kagan notes that he prefers to hire these adults in his laboratory because they are highly responsible and have great attention to details.

However, this sensitivity in a young child comes along with a host of physical reactions that can be challenging; they include susceptibility to insomnia, colic, high pulse rate and quick reactions to external stimuli. With all of this internal stimulation going on, sensitive children tend to behave in a way that is inhibited when they feel challenged, they often cling to their mothers and act fearful.

This makes the job for parents of hyper-sensitive children challenging for the child's insecurity often triggers the parents' questioning of their parenting choices or feeling insecure. How to help the sensitive child become self-soothing and learn to cope? Fortunately, research has been done about parenting the fearful, withdrawing and hyper-sensitive child. Doreen Arcus found that the protective style of parenting (often triggered by the child's reactions)increases the uncertainty of the sensitive child whereas a limit-setting style reduces inhibitions and fearfulness.

More research indicated that sensitive children who are in day care are less fearful by four-years-old than those who stayed home with their mothers. This is attributed to the more objective and limit-setting milieu of a child care setting. Setting limits with a child who is withdrawn, crying and fearful is very difficult for parents but a caring teacher can be a great help at these times. Being a child care provider, I considered leaving this part out, but that might be an over-reaction, a sign of hyper-sensitivity.

Instead, I suggest you make your own observations and experiments to see what proves true for you. First notice your own reaction to your child's reactions. Are you over-protective? Then see if by cultivating objectivity and using limit-setting with kindness, you can help your child become self-soothing and gain an important life skill. Your child will love you for it.

A Great Gift Parents Can Give to their Children

2010-12-16T14:49:00.004-05:00

Stephanie Neikirk-Epes, assistant director at the Rose Garden Early Childhood Center gave a lecture on "Schooling the Will" on Thursday, November 4th. She wrote this blog highlighting a point from the lecture; one that inspired discussion and touched the souls of those present. Stephanie's words are as follows.

At this time of year, things get busy. In all the hurry and excitement of preparations and parties, we can feel resentment, tiredness, resistance and even anger. There are normal human emotions. But they can be especially disturbing when we feel them toward our own children. Of course, paradoxically - or perhaps not so - children can get anxious and become more clingy or more demanding if they sense our discomfort with our own feelings.

Children directly perceive our feeling life even if we don't talk about it with them. They directly perceive our feeling life even if we don't acknowledge how we feel, even if we don't accept how we feel. And because they learn by imitation, they imitate what they experience with and within us. Walt Whitman artistically describes this process.

There Was a Child Went Forth

There was a child went forth every day;
And the first object he look'd uon, that object he became;
And that object became part of him for the day, or a certain part of
the day, or for many years, or stretching cycles of years.

The mother at home, quietly placing the dishes on the supper-table;
The mother with mild words - clean her cap and gown, a wholesome odor falling off her person and clothes as she walks by;
The father, strong, self-sufficient, manly, mean, anger'd, unjust;
The blow, the quick loud word, the right bargain, the crafty lure,
The family usages, the language, the company, the furniture - the yearning and swelling heart.
Affection that will not be gainsay'd - the sense of what is real - the thought if, after all, it should prove unreal.
The doubts of day-time and the doubts of night-time - the curious whether and how,
Whether that which appears so is so, or is it all flashes and specks?

We may or may not be like these archetypal parents, but the process of internalization for the child is the same...children internalize the world around them. They internalize without question or judgment both our feeling life AND our reaction to our feeling life. When we acknowledge the truth of our feelings/needs we teach our children to be honest, to accept who and what it means to be human. Clarifying all of this requires reflection, inner work - parenting is a meditative exercise.

So, if we find ourselves angry at our chilren, resentful, or tired, this is a sign that we need to create an adult only time and place as a down to earth way to meet a genuine human need.

We need to be comfortable with the truth that we each need a space for ourselves. If we can feel ok with this, our children will grow up with the idea that it's right for an adult to have boundaries, to want and need personal time and space. They will grow up knowing how to create this health-giving space for themselves.

This is a gift we can right now give our children for their future health.

Is There such a Thing as Necessary Stress?

2010-11-23T11:28:00.002-05:00

During this time of year, when we are entering the darkest days that come just before we celebrate the return of the light, I've noticed that it is a difficult transition for many people. It definitely helps to focus on the celebration of the light, to know that this will pass and that it is part of the greater order of things. That's how it is with all transitions; they have a degree of difficulty and it's best to focus on where we are headed, beginning with getting out of bed in the morning.

When we are consciously aware of changes in nature and how they affect us, we can help our children, many who are sensitive to these transitions. I've observed that during this season, children are often tired and unsettled because their experience of life is limited so they look to the adults to frame their experiences, to mirror back for them that everything is going to be alright. For all they know, maybe it will be dark everyday at 5:00 p.m. and summer will never return. Without knowing it, children might experience fear and manifest it by being a little crabby. What do we do when our children (given they are not getting sick) cry about putting on their coats, getting in the car or saying good-bye to parents who are leaving for work?

First, it makes sense to quickly check for signs of illness and if wellness is determined, then it's a good idea to acknowledge feelings. "Yes, that's a little uncomfortable, but we are going to wear our jackets on this blustery day. Let me help you put your arm in the sleeve". That's the thing about discomfort or stress, it's best to acknowledge it and to go forward with sensitivity, but if going forward is the best thing, to go forward nonetheless.

One never succeeds in making big changes in one's ife without enduring some discomfort or stress in the process. It's learning to manage that stress that prepares one to receive the rewards of success, becoming strong enough to handle life on life's terms. Now, with our children, we are often less willing to allow life to happen on life's terms bringing with it necessary stresses. However, when we keep trying to avoid any stress or discomfort, we give our children the message that we think they are incapable of learning to manage the situation.

With conscious effort, we can feel alright about allowing our children to experience doses of stress; knowing that they serve a greater good like a goal in our children's learning and development. This is how children find out what they are capable of and grow self-confident in the process. For those who are watching a child experience difficulties, keeping your eye on the goal helps; that's why we focus on the celebration of the light as we go into the darkest days of the year. Yes, it is not easy to witness our children experience stress and discomfort but it is necessary.

I heard these inspiring words from Leonard Perlmutter in a yoga class not too long ago: "Stress and pain are shadows of the outstretched hand of the Divine Reality asking you to make a change that will help you fulfill the purpose of your life."

Conflict as a means to Growth

2010-10-21T14:02:00.002-04:00

Most of us would have to admit that when we find ourselves surrounded by happy children, flowers and sunshine; we wish such a moment would never end. But then the children start to quarrel or we pick a flower that has thorns, the sun goes behind the clouds and maybe it even starts to rain. What do we do then?

The answer to that question makes all the difference. If we conclude, that the moment of conflict or strife should not be happening, we hinder our ability to address it. Let's face it, conflicts do happen and we are better off if we accept that fact and invest our energy into exploring productive ways to address conflict.
Barbara Ehrensafts writes "In human relationships, the act of reparation, making good on something that did not initially go well, is far better for character building than providing our children with a conflict-free, idyllic, 'perfect' childhood." But how do we address conflict in such a way that it becomes an opportunity for learning and growth?

Resources For Infant Educators (RIE) founder, Magda Gerber, encourages caregivers to learn to step back from intervening too soon and smoothing obstacles for our children. She says, "To respect your child is to create a little distance so that you refrain from interfering with her experience of encountering life...RIE's respectiful approach encourages a child's authenticity, or genuineness." Imagine that, allowing our children to experience bumps, obstacles, and conflicts in life, is respecting the child.

Children are immature social beings and engage in conflict as a normal behavior, due to their limited language skills and self-control. RIE educators, DA Ros and Kovach wrote an article called: "Assisting Toddlers and Caregivers during Conflict Resolutions: Interactions that promote Socialization". In that article, they cite examples as when a toddler wants something that is in the hands of another child and grabs it from him. Typical adult reactions are: to take away the toy that is causing the conflict, to sympathize with the child who had the toy taken away, to ignore the whole matter or to move in closer in order to observe the situation, how the children might resolve it themselves and be available should one child start to hit the other. I've seen masterful caregivers engage in the last option.

The caregiver's response is largely based on the caregiver's beliefs about conflict and its resolution, the caregiver's level of anxiety about toddlers and safety during conflict and the caregiver's choices concerning interventions in disputes. So if we can accept that conflict is normal, quell our anxiety about our child getting hurt and learn some conflict resolution tools, we will have choices available to us. Then we can respond rather than react to a situation and respect our child's ability to meet life.

Two sources for information about conflict resolution techniques are: Kim John Payne and Marshall B Rosenberg. Payne is a psychologist and former Waldorf teacher who lectures worldwide on parenting and education, recommending a more direct approach to conflicts among children of all ages. He encourages adults to engage with conflict rather than immediately separating chilren when they are arguing. In his lecture entitled "When Push comes to Love: How to Raise Civilized Children in an Uncivilized World", he recommends that by helping children work out conflicts, we give them a sense of who they are in relation to others. More of Payne's wisdom is available in his latest book, "Simplicity Parenting".

Marshall B. Rosenberg is known for his nonviolent communication techniques which are designed to strengthen our ability to remain open, human, authentic and responsive in the face of conflicts. Rosenberg, like all the above mentioned conflict resolution experts recommends that the way to peace is not to go away from conflict. It's not to try to manipulate or force solutions; it's to get close, listen and make choices from a non-violent or peaceful stance.

That peacefulness, you guessed it, begins witin each one of us and the trick is to sustain it, even in the face of conflict.

Cultivating Hope

2010-09-24T12:42:00.002-04:00

Underlying human adult endeavor, there must be a sense of hope that one's actions can make a difference. Without hope, the range of possibilities narrows and any risky endeavor or new learning tends to be avoided. Motivation decreases, cynicism grows and the spirit of "why bother?" prevails.

On the other hand, when hopeful that good things can and do happen, motivation tends to be high as well as confidence and positivity, fundamental qualitites for success. Children are innately hopeful unless burdened by adult problems and situations beyond their control. What can a child do about adult problems? They are not equipped to handle them yet so in order to allow a spirit of hopefulness to grow in children, we consciously shield them from the problems that adults face and present to them a picture that the world is good. This takes conscious effort on the part of adults - to avoid the news or dicussion of problems in the presence of the children.

When a child experiences an environment imbued with caring, joyfulness and peace as well a reassuringly steady rhythm, a child maintains a spirit of hopefulness. Just like the tender sapling must be protected from strong winds and frosts in order to grow into a healthy plant, the young child must be protected, too. Then when the child grows up and is physically, emotionally and mentally equipped to address adult problems, actions are then inspired by hopefulness. In this way, we cultivate adults prepared to make a difference, who remember how good the world can be and strive to make it better.

Organic Produce and Consciousness Dogs

2010-08-12T11:36:00.003-04:00

In conversations lately, I have been reminded me of a few images that I have been thinking about while walking the dog, gardening or driving in my car. I'll share those images and then explain how they fit together with regards to parenting.

One is a picture of organic produce. It's not only healthier because it is not pesticide-laden, it's healthier because while fending off pests, it becomes more anti-oxidant rich. The value of organic produce comes not only from what is missing but from its increased nutritional value. Learning to face adversity strengthens the organism.

The second picture is one about two voices in our consciousness depicted as hungry dogs vying for food in the form of our attention. One dog feeds on fear, habits and negativity. The other feeds on love, possibility and hope. Which dogs grows in our consciousness? Simply said, it's the one we feed with our thoughts, consciously or not.

How do these images relate? Children experience bumps, bruises and conflicts while growing up, helping them become strong and resilient. While children experience challenges, the adults need to work to consciously choose responses. Do we feed the dog of fear and habit or do we feed the dog of possibility, of the value born of adversity? Positive affirmations give children the sense that they can come through whatever it is they are experiencing. When a child falls we can say, "That scrape hurts, let's clean it and put on some boo-boo cream. You are a quick healer, it'll be better soon."

If we react with fear on the other hand when a child gets scraped, we reinforce to the child that we do not trust their resiliency, we are not sure they can heal, that they can handle life's bumps. Since we can never protect children from all that will come and eventually, we won't be there with them, it's important to give children positive messages while they are young.

Choose the environment for your child carefully. Expect bumps and bruises. Affirm the child's strength when they experience physical or emotional discomfort.

Organic produce requires enough sun, water and good soil to be able to ward off pests. Children require much the same on the physical realm but they are also strongly influenced by the quality of our consciousness. Adults' sunny gaze (consciously chosen to reflect all is well) feeds children as does the good soil of healthy experiences, but passing showers and storms also have an impact in developing strong, capable and resilient children.

Think about organic produce when your child is learning to cope with pests and the two dogs in your consciousness when you are responding, feeding the dog of your choice rather than habit.

The effects of Praising our Children

2010-06-24T10:46:00.004-04:00

The other day during yoga class, my thoughts wandered away from the inner experience I was having (which is the point of yoga) into the realm of what the teacher thought about my postures. Did she think they were good, possibly better than others? It's embarrassing to admit this and I had to laugh at myself, but this awareness led me to think about dependency on external validation and where that comes from.

I think we all like to know that we are doing well and are appreciated for our work, and on the same token, praise cannot be the driving force behind our actions. When we do not seek or need approval, we are free to develop instrinsic motivation and strengthen a sense of satisfaction within ourselves; free from rising and falling according to external validation. This is the path to self-mastery - the highest objective of education that facilates the achievement of all other goals.

Rather than self mastery, praise takes us outside of ourselves and into the realm of external judgments, leading toward dependency and a weakening of the relationship to our selves. Have you ever noticed how frequently children hear "good job" these days? It's become a habit, the mantra of our children's lives and due to overuse, it has lost its meaning - to point out that something extraordinary has been achieved.

Think of the difference between hearing "good job" and an affirmative statement like, "Now the job is done" or "You have put on your shoes". "Good job" puts the focus on the child and the affirmative statement puts the focus on the work, allowing the child to appreciate what's been done rather than appreciating someone else's appreciation of them. Do you hear the difference?

It's a good idea to examine our habits every now and then, considering their effects and then make conscious choices. I'm grateful that my yoga teacher does not comment on my postures, feeding into any dependency on other's approval. Instead at the end of the class, she thanks us for sharing our practice. In that way, we are all validated for the work we have done together and any sense of accomplishment is based on having done the work rather than how well we have done it. We become observers of ourselves and can then make adjustments accordingly. This is not only validating but also strengthening.

As we walk the conscious parenting path, thank you for sharing this blog.

Intentional Mothering

2010-05-12T11:34:00.002-04:00

I witness a lot of great mothering and in this month of Mother's Day, I've been thinking about what it takes to be a good mother.

There are two primary aspects of mothering that might seem at first contradictory. One is pulling the child close to us and the other involves letting the child go. For many, the nurturing part is the easiest and these mothers intuitively know how to hold, feed and soothe their infants. The challenging part of mothering often involves letting our children experience frustration, stepping back and watching so our children can learn and grow. Like the mama bird who pushes her babies our of the nest so they can learn to fly, the ultimate goal of mothering is to produce an independent human being in the end.

That's where the intentional part comes in. Intentional or conscious mothering involves remembering that the goal is independence and so making decisions that encourage strength and independence often born of frustration and then staying the course.

A few months ago, a family chose the Center for their young child so mom could go back to work part-time. She knew we offered what she wanted for her child and she also knew her child. He wants what he wants and most of the time, he wants his mother. However, she decided that it was ok for him to spend 12 hours a week away from his mother in a warm and nurturing environment.

She decided that she would allow him to experience the frustration of having his needs but not his wants met so he could become strong and independent. Of course, his cries touched her heart but did not diminish her resolve. She kept the goal in mind, gave him lots of love when they were together and let him have his morning cry. Eventually, he stopped crying and when we did, the sight of his smile is like a ray of golden sunshine beaming from his confident little self.

I told this mother that if we had a mother of the year award, we would give it to her. She mothers with instinctual nurturing as well as consciously allowing her son to separate from her in order to make steps toward independence. That selflessness is at the core of intentional mothering and it takes a lot of heart and a clear head.

What a joy to witness and a model to learn from!

Can too much Sympathy weaken a Child's will forces?

2010-04-22T10:11:00.003-04:00

I make dinner every week night because it's good for my family's healthy, the environment and the local food producers and markets. These are the things that I bear in mind to motivate myself even when I don't feel like cooking. I've observed that my motivation is closely linked to what I tell myself. If I engage in thinking that it's a big chore to buy groceries, create balanced menus and cook meals, it becomes difficult to complete this task and I might entertain thoughts about the values of take-out food.

Do you see where I am going? My thoughts about any task at hand can serve to inspire or weaken my resolve. It's up to me to choose them carefully. The same holds true for our children whose thoughts echo our words. I've heard (and have been there done that) well meaning parents speak to their child with a lot of sympathy, expressing sentiments along these lines: I know it is hard to be away from your mother, or eat your lunch, or put on your sweater. Then the child's will forces engage to resist the task at hand rather than work with us to get it done and our original thought (that it might be a difficult task) is reinforced.

Unwittingly, we sabotage our objectives with too much sympathy. We so love our children and want to do what is right by them that we can give them what they want instead of what they need. Consider your words carefully and as important, the sentiments that you are holding behind them. If the task is too much to ask your child then why ask it of him or her? However, if you have decided that it is an appropriate (or possibly necessary) request, there is no need to be conflicted about it. It's cold and we are going to wear our coats today.

Speak in positive affirmative statements. We are putting on our coats now. One arm and then the other. Let's find your hand! It's ever amusing to put your arm into a coatsleeve and then see your hand come out the other side. Be playful but focused on the task. It is your resolve, your focus and your affirmative statements that give your child the strength of will to work together with you to accomplish the deed.

Refrain from being overly sympathetic or sentimental about your child's experiences. Yes, children are small, vulnerable and have a lot to learn. Life is demanding and there are moments (for example,a boo-boo) when sympathy is appropriate, but dole it out consciously. Overall children can meet the challenges that come up. They are capable of learning to cope and doing what needs to be done.

Don't take my word for this, but conduct an experiment of your own. The next time you are about to do a routine life task (e.e. making dinner) tell your self how hard it is and feel sorry for yourself for having to do it. Then notice what happens to your motivation. Try another time to tell yourself what a noble deed it is to cook and how the energy of the cook affects the food and its overall energetic value and how much you value having enough energy to do what you want to do.

If you notice the affect of sympathy vs. resolve in your self, pay attention to what you are communicating to your child and consider that by being overly sympathetic, you might be inadvertently weakening your child's will forces.

The "Doing" aspect of Talent and Intelligence

2010-03-23T13:05:00.002-04:00

Last Sunday, I read a review of a book called: The Genius in All of Us: Why Everything You've been Told about Genetics, Talent and IQ is Wrong. In it, David Shenk makes a strong case for the reciprocity of the nature vs. nurture equation, suggesting that nature is dynamic and responds to nurturing. He posits that genes are not the blueprint for a human being that we once thought they were. Talent is not a "gift" that we are given (or not), it's rather something that is cultivated based on what we do. Talent or exceptional ability is not connected to innate capabilities alone, it is the product of highly concentrated effort.

Brain wiring is the result of our actions; for example, if we spend our time playing the violin, we have a brain wired for violin playing or if we spend a lot of time watching television, our brain is also wired for that activity, in other words, what we do affects what we become. To that end, it's important to engage children in constructive activities that might be difficult for them and to step back when children struggle so the child learns how to learn, learns that failure is a part of the process. It is key, however, that the activity is age-appropriate, one that the child is developmentally capable of learning.

Each aspect of our humanity has an optimal window for development. The time to be an active participant in life, the time to train the will forces is early childhood. It's when children need a curriculum that is rhythmic, consistent and activity-oriented. To train the will forces is to teach self-discipline, which is a prerequisite for success in anything, even more so than talent if you agree with Shenk.

This outlook turns old ideas of genius upside down and supports the importance of training, of parenting, of appropriate teaching. My child is "gifted" is not enough (perhaps it even thwarts development by downplaying the importance of consistent practice), it's better to celebrate that my child does something regularly. It begins with simple tasks that are repeated to gain proficiency, for example setting the table, building with blocks and then putting them away, or washing a dish. The reviewer suggests that talent is not a thing, but a process, not something we have, but something we do.

You'd be amazed at what I see small children do every day. They are so capable! By participating in every day tasks, they are strengthening the muscle for deeds, for practicing their talents and it's practice that leads to greatness. I am relieved that Shenk suggests an end to the conflict between nature and nurture and we can now speak about the interaction between nature and nurture.

What a golden opportunity we have in early childhood to teach young children to do what needs to be done; now that's a gift.

A Culture of Care

2010-02-19T10:20:00.003-05:00

Since the idea of the Rose Garden Early Childhood Center began growing in a group of people, we have discussed the concept of creating a culture of care. We imagined what it would look and feel like to be in such an environment and how essential it would be to extend the circle of care to include not only the children but everyone -teachers, parents, visitors, our Center "home" and the greater environment.

In this way, our care for the children would be authentic. Children have a nose for authenticity; they intuitively recognize truth. If we were to care for the children well but then avoid a colleague in need or even fail to greet the postman delivering a package, we would ultimately compromise the children's care. We would disturb the flow of caring energy that would then make it more difficult for us to do our work.

We were convinced that a culture of care would not only improve the quality of our work, it would feed the caregivers as well. For care to flow out into our work, we must first fill ourselves up so that it overflows from us and then like a fountain, pools at our feet, available to us to energize our heads, hearts and hands. It must be a full circle of care to be truly effective.

I knew we would be testing this theory when we opened the Center last fall and began the practice of providing child care and preschool programs. There have been moments since then when I have noticed: Yes, this is care in action. This is how it feels. This is what we were going for and it brings me great joy. The following are a few of these moments when the culture of care has made itself known in this circle of women caring for children together, caring for each other and caring for the Center we have created.

One afternoon, a few women were in the kitchen working and chatting when a teacher showed us a rash on her child's torso and said what she suspected it was, wondering what our thoughts were. We looked at the child and offered that it might be a childhood illness. The teacher took her child home, called the Doctor and then made arrangements to keep him home the next day. She asked another teacher to sub for her in the afternoon and I serendipitously came across information that confirmed the diagnosis we had suspected. Our Assistant Director notifified all the parents. Within twenty-four hours, it was handled. Everyone played a role, noone was reactive or overtaxed by this unexpected occurrence; we were all within the circle of care, a place of support and cooperative responsibility.

Another time, I was feeling sick and a teacher suggested I go home and take care. The Assistant Director told me, "you know you can always get a sub for yourself". Yes, I was also included in this circle; having the Center held by a circle of caring women means we can each step in or step back when it is needed. Ultimately, we want everyone to feel cared for and healthy because from this place, our best work flows.

Now it has become a habit that if someone is in need, we offer what we are able to give from our hearts. We have committed to caring for each other and noone has taken advantage of that offering but of course we are imperfect, so sometimes we make mistakes. If we are uncomfortable with what we have said or done, we clean it up and that is also a part of the practice of caring.

What does a culture of care look like? Everyday, I see smiles, hear words of gratitude and feel deeply satisfied knowing the children are being authentically well cared for. What's more, the caregivers can also give and receive care so that we have something left at the end of the day and are filled up each morning when we gather again in our circle.

Destiny Has it's Say

2010-01-24T14:54:00.002-05:00

I've written about finding elderly care for my mother since dementia has diminished her capability to manage day-to-day living in her own home. Once her adult children found a suitable assisted living situation, sorted out the insurance component, packed up her things and moved her into her new apartment, we watched to see how she would adjust. Fortunately, she did not resist our decision although it was a choice made not by her but by her eight children with her best interests in mind because on some level, she is still thinking of us and she wants what is best for us during this time of caretaking role-reversal.

Her apartment has a lovely view, her furniture fits well in it and the quality of care she receives is excellent, but my mother is a very social person. She built her life around relationships with family, neighbors and friends and we wondered if she was up to starting over by making new friends. In her new place, family and old friends continued to visit but for meal and activity-times, she needed to find her way into this new social arena on her own. That was key to her success and not something we could orchestrate like we had managed to handle the rest of her needs.

I was delighted to visit my mother a few days after her move and to find her in the dining room with a new/old friend. It turns out that at the same time my mother moved into her new apartment, a childhood friend also moved into an apartment there. Having grown up together in a small town in the Genesee River Valley, they had seen little of each other over the past seven decades or more. Although short term memory decreases with dementia, longterm memories stay strong and they had no trouble reclaiming their small town/childhood bond.

Since they moved in about the same time, they were were both in need of integrating into the greater community. This was made easier by teaming up with an old friend to share meals, stories, photos and activities with. Together they found their way. Who could have orchestrated such a moment? Not me even along with my seven siblings, that's for sure.

When I was student teaching, a college professor told me "do my best and forget the rest". A aimple rhyme, it is also wise. For destiny, providence or karma; call it what you will, it does have its say and although there are matters we can take charge of, there are those that are outside of our control. Our efforts can only take us so far and the rest, the results of our actions are worked out in a realm beyond us. In the face of such fortunate results, having diligently doing our best, I can think of two words that apply, words our mother taught us.

Thank you.

A Dream that Came True

2009-12-22T13:44:00.003-05:00

Over the last four years, a dedicated, hard-working and warm-hearted group of people came together to birth and nurture the Rose Garden Early Childhood Center. Before we had a name, teachers or a building, we had a vision, a clearly defined dream. Although people came and went, the vision, that vivid shared dream sustained us. Today, we have an advisory board, teachers, and an active handworks group as well as other vital relationships woven together around this new Center.

When the advisory board came together last week for our montly meeting; it involved a holiday celebration as well as a year's end review. In order to focus and organize this review, we asked specific questions connected to the elements of earth, water, air and fire (an exercise found in an issue of Lilipoh Magazine from December of year's past). Through these questions and the answers we shared, we created a picture of the developing Center. You might find these questions useful for your personal year's end review.

Earth: What did I complete in the last year?
Water: How did life unfold?
Air: What meaning and purpose in relationships came into my life?
Fire: How was my individuality and spirit expressed?

Through this exercise with the advisory board, we collectively claimed our experience, taking time to notice how blessed we have been. For all those who have participated in this process in any way, we are profoundly grateful and as our Center grows (and it is growing) we see its purpose fulfilled and we look forward to joyfully serving families in Buffalo for years to come.

None of us who shared this experience will ever underestimate the power of a dream, a dream held by a group; a group of people with strong hearts, helping hands and open, facile minds. Many thanks to all of you and best wishes for the new year!

Waning and Waxing Will Forces

2009-11-25T11:20:00.003-05:00

I visited an assisted living center yesterday to view an apartment for my elderly mother. When I heard myself asking certain questions, I realized that I have heard those same questions from parents seeking child care. The questions included:

Will she see the same faces so she can build relationships or will there be different ones all the time?
Will they treat her with respect and understanding for the common symptoms of aging including poor memory, incontinence and embarrassment about those symptoms?
Will they encourage her to participate in activities and to eat meals even though she might say she prefers to stay in her room (knowing once she goes, she will enjoy herself)?
Is the food nourishing and carefully prepared?
Will her physical needs be addressed regarding both her body and her environment; so they are kept clean and well-cared for?
Will they meet her wherever she is and observe her carefully to notice changes that would indicate modifications in her care plan?

Yes, young children and the elderly are similar populations in that they are vulnerable and they require sensitive and consistent care by people who understand their needs. There is one major difference however; while the will forces in the elderly are waning, in the young child, they are waxing. Therefore, we can step in to help the elderly when they are unable to do something because a lifetime of experience has already taught them gratitude, patience and moderation (or not) but in other words, their character has been formed.

With the young child, the same level of attentiveness could lead to poor results in that opportunities to develop character might be missed. We must consider carefully, if we should step back and let the child struggle a little in order to learn a new skill. When we withdraw our attentiveness to the growing child, the child increases his or hers and then learns how to learn, for learning involves trial and error, falling and getting up and being uncomfortable at times. If we can step back and allow our children a reasonable amount of struggle, their growing will forces will be complemented by character traits like patience, gratitude and the ability to withstand some discomfort in order to learn and grow.

In many ways with the elderly, we cannot overdo it, and often it's the case that they would not let us. With young children on the other hand, we run the risk of overdoing it so we have to watch ourselves in order to allow them to become capable learners and to grow strong in character so their strong will forces may be well employed.

I came across this quote attributed to Goethe, but I did not check the source. Nonethless, it is as true today as it was in Goethe's time. "Too many parents make life hard for their children by trying too zealously to make life easy for them".

Why it's Easier to be a Teacher than a Parent

2009-10-27T10:46:00.002-04:00

Having both observed and experienced the joys and challenges of parenting as well as teaching, I've concluded that it's easier to be a teacher. When life administers its bumps to our children, which it does, I am happy to respond with compassion and objectivity to the children I have taught. When life does the same for my own child, it's harder to keep that balance and compassion can turn into sympathy which ultimately weakens the child. For in the child's mind, if mom finds this difficulty so hard to manage, how can I ever get through it? The child is burdened by too much emotion coming from the parent and parents struggle with reining in their emotions regarding their children.

That's where the call to consciousness in parenting is most evident since until parenting, we have perhaps not yet been asked to manage our emotions so carefully, except perhaps at work. While teaching, it's clear that we are doing a service and we don our best self to administer that service well. It's possible to achieve that when we work around eight hours a day and there are social mores in place. Parenting is an around-the-clock job done at home where we might be accumstomed to giving our emotions more free rein. In addition, it's a job that we receive no training for and the books don't teach us what is really important; that comes only with experience.

As a teacher, I've always told parents that our emotions are the trump card. In other words if we do everything "right" but we are emtionally distraught while doing it, the value is diminished. Instead of being perfect, we might serve our children better by finding our faith, confidence, joy and general sense that all shall be well no matter what comes. When we mirror that for our children, we are like the sun that shines on us everyday reflecting warmth, our children soak it up and become strong.

So rather than trying to do it all and becoming stressed in the process, set up a simple rhythmic lifestyle for your family and then dig deep so your soul can sing while you're doing it. If you need to work fulltime, then work. If you need to go out with women friends to feed your soul, then do it. If you need to ignore the kitchen floor that needs scrubbing so you can take a walk on a beautiful autumn day and savor the colors of the trees, then do it.

That's what early childhood teachers do; they savor the moment and in this way, they join the children in their sacred space. Strong emotions, adult conversations, paying bills all happen when the children are not around. In their presence, we observe with objectivity and respond with an open compassionate heart, knowing that too much emotion is more than a young child can bear. By practicing this way of being, a habit develops, we train ourselves in a way of thinking that brings emotional balance.

That's why it is easier to be a teacher than a parent. We receive training and social support. Come to think of it though, parents are teachers. Do you remember the book, You are Your Child's First Teacher by Rahima Baldwin? I guess the lines in these roles are blurred but I think the message is the same.

Reverence for the Young Child

2009-10-02T13:53:00.002-04:00

Rudolf Steiner, the founder of Waldorf education, in speaking to educators said "Receive the children in reverence; educate them in love; let them go forth in freedom."

What does it mean to receive a child in reverence? Most people intuitively do this by slowing down to look at a baby, speaking softly and gesturing gently. There is a sense of wonder and awe that surrounds a newborn no doubt about that. According to Wordsworth, they are "trailing clouds of glory". It's as if the heavens have opened up and given us a gift when a child is born. With time, the child grows, begins to walk and talk. Then there are times when he or she does what we want him or her to do and other times when he or she does not and we experience challenges.

However the child in the first seven years is still in an early phase of life and we are in the welcoming or receiving gesture as adults. Although the growing child asks for guidance and consciousness from us, still we have a sense of reverence toward this new being that has come into our lives. That's what early childhood education is about.

I have observed recently firstborns are indeed received with reverence and parents tend to exercise great care for that child's upbringing, yet there can be a great deal of concern about the impact of a second child on the first one. From one generation to the next, it's seems that there's been a paradigm shift about siblings.

When I was growing up, I had a new sibling every few years until I was fourteen-years-old and the eighth and last child was born. Although the first sibling came only a year after me and possibly I was "dethroned" a little early, I am convinced that having a best friend for life is a greater benefit than the price I paid for her showing up early. The general sense was that a new sibling was a blessing and we were grateful.

I'll never forget when my youngest sister was born (after two brothers came and several years went by and we didn't think there would be any more children), we would come home from school and stand around her crib just gazing at her. Those were special moments for the bigger children and in spite of our ages, even the adolescents felt embraced by that little piece of heaven in our home.

I'm wondering when getting a sibling became such a great challenge. I often hear today that parents worry about the impact of a sibling on the firstborn as if the new child is a burden. Is it possible to substitute blessing for burden and to imagine that the older child and the whole family has been gifted and although challenges lie ahead as they always do, we can choose to emphasize the blessings? Receiving a child with reverence is not exclusive; I think it touches all those in its presence.

An Introduction to the Four Temperaments

2009-08-16T17:53:00.002-04:00

There are four seasons of the year, four elements (earth, fire, water and air) and four basic temperaments present in human beings. Hippocrates identified them to better understand individual differences and how they affect the way people respond to healing treatments. It behooves educators and parents to know something about them in order to understand and meet the needs of our children. It also helps us in the lifelong endeavor of understanding ourselves and our relationships with others.

I will introduce you to the temperaments and suggest if you are interested in learning more, to look into Steiner books or the Anthroposophic Press for a selection of reading material on the topic. Waldorf teachers use this information to adapt their lessons for the children they teach as well as to enhance their understanding of the people they encounter. With the thumbnail sketch that I am providing, it could be possible to oversimplify the temperaments, when in reality, human beings are full of nuances. Let this picture be a beginning of your understanding, something to build on.

The four temperaments are: choleric, melancholic, phlegmatic and sanguine. Of course, each temperament can be in balance or not and how we perceive them varies greatly depending on whether or not there is balance. Temperaments are not good or bad and with maturity and self-development, we strive to have some of each temperament to become whole. Children on the other hand, tend to exhibit strongly more of one temperament and so we can easily perceive their strengths and what needs to be strengthened or balanced. There is also a time in our lives when each of the temperaments is most strongly respresented; for example, childhood is a time of sanguinity and so even a child with a choleric temperament will have a strong sanguine component in childhood.

The choleric temperament is marked by passion and they can be great leaders or if inbalanced, dictators. The choleric temperament is represented by fire and the season of summer. Cholerics are action-oriented and like to get things done, applying a great deal of energy and heart to achieving, often looking for challenges. A child with a choleric temperament has a strong will and is usually quite active; they tend to be extroverted. Typically in a person's life, the time when choleric tendencies are most present is in youth.

If the choleric is associated with action and the summer, melancholics are associated with deep thinking, the earth and the season of autumn. They can be very compassionate and so great humanitarians if they do not get stuck in self-pity and over subjectivity. Melancholics have a rich inner life and are usually introverted. Young children who have a melancholic temperament tend to pay a lot of attention to physical and emotional hurts and can be brooding. They can also spend a lot of time playing quietly by themselves. Overall, humans tend to become more melancholic when they reach maturity, thinking things through more deeply and keeping an eye out for injustices.

When considering the phelgmatic, think about the season of winter and the element of water. The phlegmatic enjoys comfort and the child with a phlegmatic temperament is also happy to sit and play quietly and he/she loves to eat and sleep. They tend to be introverted and very perceptive. Routines are very important for the phelgmatic and they are usually even-tempered, although they can be very stubborn if pushed. The time of life that has is phlegmatic overall, is old age. Sometimes we meet young children that remind of of old people in young peoples' bodies; they usually have a phelgmatic temperament.

Finally, there is the sanguine temperament which is connected to the season of springtime and the element of air. Think of a butterfly flitting about from one flower to another and you will have a picture of the sanguine temperament. There is a tendency to be fun-loving,to let go of things easily and to like change and diversity. Although the sanguine person can be very caring, if imbalanced, they can be superficial.

Finally, to demonstrate the differences in the four temperaments (again, in an oversimplified way for the sake of education), let's consider how each temperament would face an obstacle, like a log in the middle of the path he/she is hiking along. The choleric would probably quickly remove the log, the phlegmatic would go around it, the melancholic would sit down on it and think about the best way to move it before doing anything and the sanguine would probably jump over it and then perhaps turn around and jump again, making a game of it.

We need all the temperaments for each brings something valuable to the whole world. The more we recognize our own temperament and learn to balance it, the more we can tolerate and appreciate the temperaments of others.

Buildings are Beings

2009-07-27T09:58:00.002-04:00

I've been married to an architect for a long time. When we were in the years of raising young children, we divided up the work so that he did the lion's share of business outside the home and I did the lion's share of child-rearing. That was our arrangement and sometimes it seemed like our "worlds" were miles apart, so distant from each other that we had little in common as far as our work goes.

I've discovered if I remain open, concepts continue to evolve and things are not always as I once thought they were. Architecture and education (whether in the home or in the classroom) are not so different after all. Buildings are beings and in that way, they are like children and architecture like child education. These are some of the likenesses I have found.

Both buildings and children have fixed aspects that you have to work with and things you can change, that are more flexible. It takes a village to raise them, maintain them and if needed, change or renovate them. They are prone to influences from the outside as well as from the inside. The strength of the inside dictates to what extent outside influences will impact them.

It's always best to start with a good foundation and work up from there. A good, solid foundation will allow a building and a human being to live long and live healthy, reinventing itself as it goes along.

Since we're been renovating the building at 257 Lafayette, my interest in architecture has been piqued and I'm intrigued by the process, even though the building's quirks and especially its individual timetable have made me lose sleep at times. Although eager to see the end result, I have to temper my enthusiasm with letting go and not to force things to go my way but step back and let them go the way they will go, with the support of many trusted helpers who have the building's best interest at heart. Does this sound familiar to any of you parents?

Before my husband and I move our businesses into the same building, I'm glad to discover that our "worlds" are not so far away after all.

Practical Solutions

2009-07-06T11:24:00.002-04:00

I've noticed a tendency to overthink which is prevalent these days and leads to turning molehills into mountains. In my experience, however, many things are easier to do than they are to think about. Too much thinking creates nervousness, a sign that it's time for action rather than rumination even if the action is just a head-clearing walk around the block.

Why are we prone to so much thinking? I suppose it comes from fear of doing the wrong thing, so the motivation is good. Like most things, it's a matter of balance, it's a good thing that's taken too far.

I've been receiving a lot of interesting articles lately about finding a new balance in parenting and the end of "helicopter parenting". Being prone to overthinking myself, I've decided to take the time to ground this concept before writing about it. I began by looking for role models and will write about one today.

We were in Germany for my father-in-law's funeral last week so we've all been reminiscing a lot about him and his life. His 95 years were marked by several things, including excellent health, joie de vivre and his remarkably strong will forces. I've read that the faculties we develop in early childhood are the last to go. Even in his elderly years, after retiring at 80, he recorded every thing he did each day and kept his affairs and household in order, and by doing so, maintained limber mental faculties and a strong life force.

His life was a testament to keeping it simple (the opposite of overthinking things), and we observed him make a decision, then stick by it with consistent action. Clarity and consistency paid off in his life and he achieved great success in business and relationships, leaving this life with his affairs in order.

As far as parenting young children, this is a reminder that the framework we provide for our young children serves them for their lifetimes and is their mainstay in old age when other faculties start fading. Now, instead of letting this be a reason to overthink what is the right thing for our children, try keeping it simple by focusing on the moment. Children need consistent (not rigid) rhythms, repetition (doing things overall in the same way each day) and reverence or deep respect that is best bestowed by being totally present, listening and observing. without getting lost in ruminations.

Decide what you want to do and then follow through with clarity and consistency. While doing, think less, speak less, be more present and enjoy what you are doing while you're doing it.

This simple wisdom makes for healthy homelife and strong children even into their old age.

"Real" work and its effect on Young Children

2009-06-21T19:19:00.002-04:00

I just finished reading Little Heathens by Mildred Armstrong Kalish. It's the story of her days growing up on a farm in Iowa where they made everything from scratch. According to her description, she not only survived but truly thrived in that atmosphere of industry and goodness.

In the book, I learned recipes like the one for carrot marmalade,how to make soap as well as antedotes to bee stings and much more. A lot of this folk wisdom, Kalish laments, is not being passed down to the next generation. She also noted that some of the character traits she acquired are not being actively taught anymore, since they are not required as much in our modern lives with all the conveniences.

Allow me to share Kalish's concluding paragraph:
"Now, how to conclude my story without making comments that will probably
seem sappy about the virtues of resourcefulness, dedication, hard work,
discipline, creativity, and goodwill? Isn't it perfectly obvious to all that those early childhood experiences, under those special conditions with those particular relatives on that Iowa farm, prepared me for the modestly successful, hugely satisfying, truly blessed life that has been my lot? I shall always be grateful."

I couldn't help but think about Waldorf Early Childhood Education when I was reading this book. It was "real" work that made Kalish feel important as a child. She was able to participate in making life happen on the farm. Children, depending on their age of course, were a part of day-to-day life, not sheltered, entertained or in any way separate from what was "real" and important. Yes, they were protected from foul language and premature information, but otherwise, they were included.

That's what we do in our Waldorf early childhood classrooms. Children help to prepare the snack, set the table, wash the dishes and clean the room. Adults in their presence are engaged in work that the children can imitate in their play. It's not becuase the adults could not do the work alone, but we engage the children so they can learn through active participation. It's satisfying, it builds self-esteem and serves their development.

As a matter of fact, when I feel out of sorts, few things set me right more than gardening, housecleaning or other chores. They are grounding to me, so I can imagine what they give young children while they are developing their physical bodies and their senses. By the way, Kalish did leave the farm and went on to be an English professor and lived in metropolitan areas. Those early childhood experiences, however, gave her the solid ground that supported her throughout her life. What ground are we giving our children to stand on?

Children and Flowers

2009-06-15T08:39:00.002-04:00

"Having children is like planting seeds from an unmarked packet. You vaguely believe you'll get daisies, but instead you get roses, morning glories, iris...all wonderful and beautiful, like you."
- anonymous

Being that its summer and we are working daily to open this early childhood center. flowers and children are a big focus of mine. How lucky am I, because I love them both! With my garden, I enjoy planting, weeding, and picking a bouquet of flowers to bring inside. When I pick a bouquet, I like to mix flowers with aromatic herbs like peppermint and even a few weeds.

Aren't weeds just plants we haven't found a use for yet? Or are they the right thing in the wrong place? Dandelions for instance are very useful and farmers grow them to sell the greens. Besides the edible leaves, the roots can be used to make a tincture that aids in liver functioning and digestion, but also the flowers can be made into crowns or necklaces. Finally, the puffball of seeds can be blown to scatter wishes and dreams and of course, ultimately, more dandelions.

I took a course in the dandelion last summer. We picked, observed and painted them. With a deepened appreciation for the plant, I named the day care program we were building, Dandelion Day Care. Then through the oourse of this year, we found a home and named it the Rose Garden. Now I wonder what kind of plants will bloom there. Whatever seeds come, I know we will observe them respectfully, care for them lovingly and be grateful for the contribution each one brings. We'll provide the rich nutrients, fresh air and warmth they need to grow strong.

I love tending then witnessing the growth and beauty.

Closing Assembly

2009-06-07T17:27:00.002-04:00

On Friday, I went to the closing assembly at Aurora Waldorf School. On that day, the last day of school, each class presented something from the year's curriculum on stage to a full auditorium. The event opened with children, teachers and parents singing a round led by the music teacher.

Then the presentations began. The following glimpse of what each class brought does not begin to describe the light in the children's eyes, the warmth of the teachers or the overall sense of community in the auditorium but here's the nutshell anyway:
1st grade recited several verses from memory.
2nd grade sang seasonal songs (including one they wrote the lyrics to).
3rd grade played their recorders and recited a poem about a house
(3rd grade curriculum focuses on house-building).
4th grade performed poetry with movement in a circle.
5th grade is the year of studying ancient Greece including participating in the Greek Olympics (along with other Waldorf schools)so they wore their togas (with their own painted designs)and recited odes they had written.
6th grade dressed in early Americana style and square danced to the fiddle music of a classmate and when the dance was over, they tossed their straw hats in the air (ah, the last day of school!).
7th grade spoke aphorisms and then jumped double dutch rope, in perfect synch, hopping in and out at just the right moment and providing many variations on the theme.
8th graders stood alone on stage and recited inspiration sayings from famous people they studied.

Then the first graders gave a rose to each of the eighth graders. The classes had built relationships throughout the year by having snack and recess together every Monday after starting the year with a similar rose ceremony, only in reverse. In the fall, the eighth graders each gave a rose to one of the new first graders and then it comes full circle at the end of the year, ultimately at the end of the eight year cycle. Why do I always forget to bring tissues to this event?

As you can imagine, it was a beautiful assembly and it brought to light what works about Waldorf education. On the other hand, when my husband and I were gardening Saturday afternoon at the Lafayette site, we saw a gathering in the yard behind us. We talked with the parents and found that they were meeting to form a team to fight the high stakes testing going on in their children's preschool classes in a popular public school. The parents understood that the tests are unreliable for children that young, that the time invested in test prep could be better spent and that they needed to do something about it to protect their children from what they described as nonsense. The children and parents were no different from those I was with at the assembly on Friday but the school's curriculums were very different.

These back to back experiences reminded me of why we are opening the Rose Garden Early Childhood Center in in Buffalo and what this educational model provides. It's an alternative that works. Children have only one childhood and it's a golden opportunity to learn what is true and of lasting value, accumulating rich resources and memories for a lifetime.

Nesting

2009-06-01T10:11:00.001-04:00

Since school ended last Friday, I am focusing on what this summer will bring. Ironically, the summer before my son goes to college and we officially have an "empty nest", I will be nesting. In order to prepare the space for the Rose Garden Early Childhood Center at 257 Lafayette where we will run our programs in the fall, I will be doing what one does who is expecting a child (or many). In this case, preparing the space involves painting, moving in the materials that have been gathered over the years, sending out announcements and getting approval from the Office of Child and Family Services, etc. My Early Childhood colleagues from Aurora Waldorf School are even having a shower for me so we can gather more things for the center and celebrate its coming.

We spent time in the playground on Saturday, digging up dirt, planting where we could plant and envisioning how it will be for the children. Fortunately, the front is being excavated and there is plenty of dirt (some of it rich and organic matter) that we can use to build up our flower beds. I am learning a lot about plants since a parent from Aurora Waldorf School and Master gardener, Linda Maywalt was with us on Saturday. She created a sweet garden with a log in the middle of it and I can imagine the children leaning against the log and leaving little offerings of flowers and stones there. All the children's play areas will be surrounded by lovely gardens and we plan to create a berm up to the fence in the back so the children can roll or sled down it depending on the season.

Another part of nesting I think is preparing our soul forces to meet the coming child/children. I remember when I taught a Nursery school class and I stitched dolls for the children's birthday gifts. Some of the dolls would come together easily and others I struggled with. One doll I had to take apart and start all over again. I thought that making that doll was preparing me to meet a certain child and I was practicing patience and perseverance to strengthen those qualities in me so I could serve that child's needs.

Gathering materials, preparing the space (indoors and out), as well as preparing our souls are some of the ways we "nest". I imagine how beautiful the space will be and how wonderful it will be to greet the children there. It seems that while my home nest is emptying, it is the ideal time to be "nesting" an early childhood center. As my 84 year old mother tells me, there will be plenty of time to rest - later.

Reflections on Caring for the Caregiver

2009-05-26T12:55:00.002-04:00

Now it's time to personalize the ideas about caring for the caregiver. I find that when I am writing about a certain topic, it just so happens to be a topic I need to pay attention to myself. It's Tuesday after a holiday weekend and there is a lot of work to be done, two days of work need to fit into one, but I am feeling tired. What would be a caring thing to do? I cannot forget about the things to do but I can keep the list short and my attitude light (only doing the things that need to be done today) and then I can stop when the work is done. Stop thinking about tomorrow's list and take a walk, a bike ride, do some gardening or take a nap. It is self-caring to know when enough is enough,(I am reminding myself).

Questions to ponder:

Do you get enough sleep on a regular basis?

Do you eat right (balanced, healthy food)?

Do you exercise regularly (even a daily walk)?

Do you go to the Doctor and the Dentist regularly for a check-up?

Do you schedule time for recreation (being with friends, going out, reading or whatever else you like to do)?

Do you have a healthy rhythm that allows enough time to do what you have to do or are you often rushing and feeling a bit breathless?

Do you observe nature, it's changes and beauty?

Do you stop to listen and observe your child, taking interest in what he or she is doing or saying and what he or she is becoming?

Do you allow yourself time to reflect on what is happening and your dreams for the future?

Do you choose carefully the information you take in, reading books, seeing movies and surrounding yourself with people that are positive and inspirational?

Do you allow yourself to formulate a picture of your children and your spouse that emphasizes their best qualities, reinforcing those characteristics so they will grow and refraining from criticism?

Did you know that your inner dialogue comes from the things you heard from authorities when you were a child? What kinds of things do you say to your self?
What do you say to your child (in particular when he/she is having a hard time)?

Did you know that making mistakes is a natural part of learning and that it takes three positive comments to balance a negative one and to keep a relationship healthy?

The most important relationship you have is the one with your self. Are you in "right relationship" with your self? What is one new habit you can commit to that is self-caring?

Caring for the Caregivers

2009-05-18T11:55:00.002-04:00

Last week, we explored the stages of human development and this week as promised, we will consider ways to care for the caregivers.

I remember a time in my life when I was especially exhausted and a colleague told me to look for the ways my energy was leaking out. What leaks I wondered? But I held the question in mind and before long, I discovered those leaks and then I set about to find ways to plug up the holes which was not an overnight process but a necessary one. As long as I had energy leaks, it didn't matter how much I slept or how well I ate, I ended up depleted.

That's the first step. Consider where your energy might be leaking out, paying conscious attention to habits that might be invisible. I have found that bearing regrets (I wish I would have...), worrying about the future and generally overcomplicating life are some of the ways that I allow my precious energy to leak out. I'll explain a little what I mean by each of those.

If I am focused on regrets for example, I am not present for the moment and so my attention is divided between what I am doing and what I am thinking about, which is an exhausting state of being. Also, I cannot do anything about the past, it's done and rumination will not produce any good. It's a waste of energy. I trust that we learn the right thing at the right time and this releases regrets and opens the door to compassion. In some ways, we are all slow learners and mistakes are a part of the learning process. Reflecting about the past, however, and considering new ways to approach situations is a fruitful exercise, but that is not what I am talking about here.

Worrying about the future and what might come to pass is another way our energy leaks out. I like to picture the Grimm's Fairy Tale, "Clever Elsie" when I consider the effects of projecting negative outcomes. It's the story in which a young woman is celebrating her engagement and goes down into the basement to get something. There she finds a hatchet over the stairwell and she sits down to cry because she imagines that one day she might have a child who will then go downstairs and the hatchet might fall on his head and kill him. One by one family members go downstairs looking for the person who left the table last and when each one hears the story, he or she sits down and cries.

Now that is a rather funny picture of worrying about the future and my favorite antidote to worry is humor. I cannot laugh about something and worry about it at the same time. That's not to say that sad things will not happen, they definitely will but worrying about them will not prepare us to meet them when they come. Worry depletes us and like an active toddler, our thinking can quickly dash off into negative imaginings that feed our worries. Better to stay in the present reality, perceiving what comes and trusting we will know what to do when challenges arrive. Again worrying is not the same as honestly accessing a situation and feeling concern, then planning a course of action. It is imagining a negative outcome before it arrives or rather getting ahead of ourselves and it requires some mental muscle not to engage in it.

Overcomplicating things is another way we diffuse our energy. There is great value to keeping life simple. By that I mean, to take time to plan and be clear about what you are doing, paring it down to the essentials. For example, when you simplify your children's toy collection, you find it is easier to clean up and it reduces stress for both of you. Also, it makes it simpler for your child to determine what he or she wants to play with. Another way to simplify is to set up a weekly and daily rhythm so you don't have to rethink what needs to be done every day or be concerned that you won't get to something.

Sunday could be the day for visiting grandparents and eating chicken. Monday might be soup day and laundry day. Tuesday might be spahetti and dusting day. In this way of assigning meals and activities to certain days of the week, you not only make grocery-shopping easier but you know you will get to all the chores you need to do in the course of the week. Again, you can experience what it is you are doing, with the freedom of having a plan for doing all the things you need to do. Children enjoy this kind of predictable rhythm (with some exceptions of course); it makes them feel secure and helps them to develop good habits.

Another way to simplify life is to consider planning your day so that it breathes. By this I mean having activity that is an in-breath (gathering resources) followed by an out-breath (letting go). That means doing something that is formed like going to the supermarket followed by something that is less restrictive, like playing in the yard. This also teaches children about balance and seems to expand the amount of time there is in a day and the amount of energy we have to give to it.

Another noteworthy reminder that involves all three of the energy leaks mentioned already, is minimizing effort or being efficient with energy. For example, if I am writing on the computer and I am clenching my jaw (because I am worrying about something), I am using more physical energy than I need to. I might have tightness in my neck after I finish my work as well as fatigue. If we pay attention inwardly, we can discover the ways that we tighten our muscles more than a task requires causing tension and exhaustion. It's not just getting the job done, but how we reach our goals that matters.

In a nutshell, these energy leaks are ways of thinking/being that rob us of the present moment. They can creep into our day and consume great amounts of our time and energy. The good thing is that once we find the leaks, we can plug them up with conscious effort and although we may not actually have more time, being present feels like it. There is a feeling of time expanding when we are in the moment and not divided by our thoughts. This way of being is also the most nourishing to our children who cannot understand when we are there but not really there because we are distracted by our own thoughts rather than witnessing life as it is happening. Children become less needy when they are held by this kind of consciousness.

Next week, we will reflect on ways to fill up energy reserves but first consider where you might have leaks.

Child Development and Caregiving

2009-05-11T11:54:00.003-04:00

Mother's Day got me thinking about mothering and the notion of mothering mothers. Who cares for the caregivers or thinks about this question? Fathers, grandparents, and friends care about mothers' wellbeing, but do mothers receive the care they need and make time for self a valid enterprise? Where do mothers get the support they really need? Authentic caregiving comes from a heart that is so full, it is spilling over, but with so many things to do and to think about, it's a challenge to find time to take care of ourselves.

Before we discuss the practical aspects of self care (next week), I'd like to explain the model of child development that Waldorf teachers work from. Having a sensible model for human development helps provides a foundation for decision-making and holding the big picture can relieve stress about the smaller decisions. Whereas young children learn by doing and imitation, the portal for adult learning is through the intellect. According to Benjamin Franklin, "all real learning involves a change of behavior", but a behavior change begins with thinking about things in a new way.

Children from birth to seven years of age are rapidly developing their physical bodies. Inner organs are not fully developed until children are three years old so there is much forming that happens outside the womb in those early years. Caring for the young child involves primarily care of the physical body: eating, bathing sleeping, staying warm, building the immune system (often through confronting illnesses), etc. Sensory information goes deeply into the young child (who has no intellectual filters) so carefully choosing the child'd sensory experiences is key.

From seven to fourteen years of age, children are developing their life force (to carry them through a lifetime of physical activity), and the beginning of this phase is marked by the change of teeth. At this point, the physical body has developed so that the child is ready to pursue academic tasks. In other words, the developmental forces that were working on the physical body are now free to work in the realm of learning concepts. This is often a difficult leap for parents in this society when children are encouraged to start academic work at earlier ages, but bear in mind that the children in Finland do not start first grade until seven years of age and they have the highest literacy rate in the world and scores on the European high school exams.

The third stage of development is indicated by the onset of puberty and has to do with the development of the emotional aspect or the soul of the human being. Although young children, of course, have feelings, they do not carry the same weight as the feelings of adolesence when they come from a more personal place rather the general and imitative place of the young child. The soul is a highly invividualized aspect of the human being.

Finally, the fourth seven year cycle is from 21 to 28 years of age, when the thinking of the human begins to blossom. It is a time of trying things out in the world, of taking risks, of learning about how to relate to the world as an independent human being. This is when thoughts come together about how to operate in the world and to move toward one's purpose and meaningful work in the world.

What do children need when they are developing through these stages? In the first stage, while they are gestating their "life force", they need a welcoming picture that the world is good. When they are developing in the second stage, they need a picture that the world is beautiful, in order to develop the soul forces which will begin to blossom in the teen years. Finally, when they are developing the forces of independent thinking, they need a picture of truth held up before them, so they can develop thinking that is indeed, true. Having these ideals set before the developing child makes him or her stronger and more capable of meeting the challenges that come from a world that is less than ideal, just like taking in whole foods makes us stronger and more resilient to eating "junk" food once in a while.

This is a lot of information, I know and I suspect that you might find this thumbnail sketch a little unsatisfying, but this will be an ongoing conversation, I promise. Personally, as a teacher, a mother, and a lifelong learner, I have found this picture of child development to be the most instructive in knowing how to relate to children and especially how to determine what is the right thing to bring at the right time.

Finally, what does all of this have to do with self-care and motherhood? I will get there but first, a look at what is referred to as the pedagogical law. When children are developing physically in the first stage, they are "gestating" or building up their life force so they draw from the life force of the caregivers. Parents and caregivers of young children, no wonder you are so tired! When they are expressing their life force in the second stage, they are gestating their soul forces and so they draw from us emotionally. Ah! Then when they are expressing their souls and developing their thinking, they will draw from us intellectually! Ask any parent of a teenager, they will definitely discover any loopholes in your thinking, encouraging you to think things through carefully to set it right.

Yes, let's return to the first stage when the young child is drawing from our life force to develop their physical bodies and build up their own reserves. It is my intention that having a whole picture of the development of the child in mind is reassuring in the knowledge that this stage, too, shall pass. Beginning with this foundation, we will explore ways to bolster and sustain our life force so we have what we need for our young children and for ourselves.

Reflections on Play

2009-05-04T19:11:00.002-04:00

While thinking and writing about play, I feel I am in good company lately. The New York Times Magazine (May 3rd) featured an article called "Kindergarten Cram: Toss out the No. 2 pencils and let them Play". The buzz is coming from the Alliance for Childhood's March 2009 publication called "Crisis in the Kindergarten" which provides evidence of the disappearance of play from kindergartens and all the reasons why we should bring it back. Visit their website and read the 75 page report if you have the time and interest.

For children to experience the benefits of timelessness in the flow of healthy play, it requires a certain attitude and presence from the adults around them, usually an unobtrusive presence, one we might not be practiced in. Let's explore our personal relationship to play and stay open to what we may discover.

What is your most memorable moment of play from your early childhood?
Where were you (indoors or outdoors)?
Where were the adults (if you can remember)?

How much time does your child experience self-initiated play on a typical day?
What do you do while your child plays?
Can you hold yourself back from speaking (judging, interrupting, praising, etc.)?

What do you say when you do engage with your child?
Do you ask her to explain herself, to come out of the flow of play (breaking her focus) for your sake so you can understand or add your opinion?
Are you comfortable with the messiness and trial and error process of play or do you feel the need to guide it in a direction that has meaning for you?

Do you trust your child's innate wisdom, timetable, and the ability to work through life's events and challenges through play?
Is it possible for you to enjoy this phase of learning through imitation and developing imagination or are you looking forward to when the "real" learning will begin?
Is it your job to entertain your child or do you see it as a valid goal for your child to learn to occupy his or herself in play?

If you learned something new about play from reading the last two blogs, write it down or share it with someone to claim that learning. (Teaching is the best way to learn something). Feel free to pass this blog onto people in your contacts list and see if you can rediscover the spirit of play in your busy days, blurring the lines between work and play.

Fostering Learning through Play

2009-04-28T09:53:00.002-04:00

I'd like to continue with some thoughts about the value of play and ways to foster healthy play. Have you ever noticed that when your child is really sick the playful glimmer in his/her eye disappears? When that glimmer returns, you know your child is recovering. Parents and health care professionals intuitively know this. There is a link between playfulness and health. Pediatricians recommend play because it supports physical, emotional, cognitive and social development. Play enlivens life!

There is also a link between creativity and playfulness on the one hand, and between aggression and a lack of playfulness on the other hand. There has been research conducted on the winners of the Mac Arthur award and it was discovered that they are overall curious, creative and they value play. It is a playful approach that allows the inner genius to be expressed and developed in each of us. Engineering firms have discovered that the best engineers are "tinkerers" or people who bring a spirit of playfulness to their work.

Research has also been done about people who commit murders, initiated when the student at Austin University went to the top of the tower and shot people below. Scientists were commissioned to study the shooter and since then more evidence has substantiated their claims. They have discovered that these murderers have two commonalities: one that they have a history of abuse and secondly they have an inability to play due to lack of experience in playing. Although they might have achieved things in their lives, they did not engage in lighthearted, self-directed play which is a healthy way to work through frustration and aggression. Play itself or a playful spirit is a stress-reducer, one without contra-indications.

While our old economy is changing, the emerging model of the 21st century is the "Economy of the Imagination". The problems we have presently require a new kind of thinking to resolve them, one that we possibly haven't even thought of yet. It's not enough to have knowledge, we also need to entertain possibilities and to imagine our way into the future. Businesses are reporting that new employees often lack the imagination and the social skills required to sit at a table with a group of people and work through a problem. These skills require active participation to learn; they cannot be learned passively through a didactic approach or by engaging with a screen.

Imagination is developed through play. It is a function of the right brain which experiences peak development from birth to seven years of age. Albert Einstein said that the best science is built on a foundation of wonder and imagination. It seems that we are more inclined these days to go straight to the science and miss out on building the foundation that makes great science possible.

There are ways to foster creativity and play, just as there are signs that the wellspring is clogged. Media has a clogging effect on children's healthy play, offering images that are hard to digest since they come from an adult's imagination rather than welling up from inside the child and then being acted out. The child trying to act out media images often says a lot, repeating certain phrases but takes little action. The images can get stuck in the child's head, unable to flow through to their limbs even though the child is innately programmed to imitate or act out what he or she has witnessed. The experience of television is so one-dimensional that can thwart healthy expression, promoting passivity and frustration.

Certain toys, usually the ones that have batteries, have the same effect as media. They can do everything without any input from the child, thus thrwarting the child's participation. These toys leave children with only one creative option, that is to break them. Children are often happier with open-ended toys like a cardboard box or a set of blocks so they can express their own creativity.

Another obstacle to children's healthy play is too much intellectual information which leads them to thinking rather than doing. Signs of a child being too much in their thinking is asking questions incessantly, having difficulty initiating and completing tasks or working through simple problems and then ultimately a low threshold of frustration. An adult can help a child develop imagination rather than premature intellectualization by the way we answer children's questions. For example, if a child asks why it is raining, the intellectual answer would be to talk about condensation, clouds, barometric pressure and the like. This answer is often unsatisfying for the young child, although it is appropriate later on. The answer that speaks to the young child's stage of development is more like: it is raining because the plants are thirsty. This makes the young child happy who then looks at the rain as a positive thing on behalf of the plants. This may lead to observation of the plants and how they open up after a spring rain and the sheer wonder of it all.

If a child is still unable to find his or her way to healthy play, there is something else the adults can do. When the adults engage in purposeful physical work (like domestic chores rather than computer work), children often become inspired in their play. They might work or play alongside us while we do dishes or sweep the floor or build a tower while we sew on buttons. It is however, not just a matter of what we are doing, but the inward attitude we carry while we are doing it as well. Children are mindreaders you know. If we are rushed or caught up in fears about a child getting hurt or making a mess, the child becomes inhibited in play. Our attitude needs to be one of timelessess(even while keeping the end point in mind), tolerance of some messiness, of trust in the child's capabilities and of joy so the child can go forward with confidence and learn from the trial and error process that is play.

The young child gains mastery over their world through play. They learn about the world and about themselves. For as a child plays, we see indications of what they are passionate about. You might try but you cannot put a child in a box unless it has their passion in it. But while a child is playing, you might see a glimpse of their future. That is something worth supporting by creating time and space for it.

A Child's Work is Play

2009-04-20T12:47:00.003-04:00

I attended the Gateways Conference at the Toronto Waldorf School last weekend and am inspired to share insights about the importance of play. The keynote speaker was Joan Almon who is presently with the National Alliance for Childhood, working to bring play back to kindergartens in America. One of the interesting nuggets I took away from the conference is that at the same time we are increasing the stress in children's lives, we are taking away opportunities to play, which is children's innate means for working through stress. Children are wired to play for a reason.

As an adult, you might have observed that being able to take the time and space to do your work helps bring down your stress level and increase your sense of satisfaction. Well, play is the child's work. Studies have shown that when children are stressed (by hurrying to school, separaton anxiety or acclimating to a new sibling for example), stress hormones are found in the sweat on their palms. When allowed to play, the children's stress levels were reduced whereas the stress levels remained the same after an adult iniated activity of reading a book to them. Play is a healthy way for children to work through the stressful situations that are a part of life. It is their domain, one where they are able to make choices and to learn about themselves and about life.

Most parents agree that they want their children to be self-regulating. Recent research indicates that play is an excellent vehicle for learning self-regulation. In early childhood, didactic teaching is not the most effective model since young children learn by doing. Although we generally do not tax young children to make decisions about what to wear, what to eat or when to go to the Doctor or to bed, there is a time and place for children to make their own choices. In self-initiated play, children commonly conduct experiments like what happens when I turn a pot upside down and bang on it with a spoon? They might explore what happens when a box that is filled with something is turned upside down or shaken. Another common experiment is to discover how many blocks can be placed on top of one another before the tower tips over.

These are all valuable experiments involving learning basic scientific laws. In this way, children discover the effects of these laws and learn to work with them. Children, when given the time to play and discover their physical bodies in the process tend to become self-regulating, making good choices about what they feel are safe parameters for themselves. If a child gets hurt often, the way to learn how to get hurt less is by playing in a safe environment learning from trial and error and discovering his or her own ever-changing physical capabilities. Adults have a tendency to impose their own fears and limits on children, i.e. because I am afraid to climb on those bars, you cannot in spite of your own skill level and possible capability.

Parents often feel sorry about limiting children's choices by setting boundaries in the realm of eating, sleeping, dressing, etc. but then impose many restrictions in the realm of play because we can be uncomfortable with the messiness involved in these trial and error processes. It can be hard to watch. However, when children are restricted in the routine aspects of life as well as the domain of their work which is play, they often become frustrated and they might act out which often brings consequences like less playtime.

That's not to say that we should have no boundaries for a child's playtime. Children can be given a limited number of toys and told to play in an area in the house where there are few breakables and adults are comfortable with a certain degree of messiness or basic wear and tear. Simple rules like don't hurt yourself or anyone else can be emphasized. Then within those paramenters, gifting children with the time and space to play allows them to experience the timelessness necessary to conduct important life experiments, to integrate the results and then start new experiments. In this way, through their play, children learn to be self-regulating and find out where natural limits are in the world and in their own physicality.

This learning provides the wiring for frontal lobe development which is key to successful higher level decision-making. There is no better way for children to achieve this goal and they know how to do without us even teaching them. For more information about the benefits of play, you might pick up the new book by Stuart Brown called Play - How it Shapes the Brain, Opens the Imagination and Feeds the Soul.

Reflection Exercises for Storytelling

2009-03-31T09:50:00.002-04:00

We've been exploring telling stories to young children. This is the third week on this topic; time to reflect on how it is going. It's a good idea when we are trying something new or tweeking the way we do something to take time and consider whether it is working for us. Teachers learn to plan what to teach, teach and then evaluate the teaching. Parents are engaged in educating children and this template of planning, doing and then evaluating is an important life skill besides being for teachers. Even if the reflections are done in ten minutes before going to sleep at night (which may be the only available time),it is a good practice to strive for.

Remember Rahima Baldwin's book (that I mentioned in the last blog)called You Are Your Child's First Teacher? It's a valuable resource book. When I met Rahima at an Early Childhood Conference last summer, I found out that she was opening a home child care program with her daughter last fall. I was glad to have the opportunity to talk with her about opening a child care business as well as about early childhood education overall.

Back to reflecting about storytelling (rather than a trip to New Hampshire and interesting conversations last summer), and seeking a balance between actions and their inward component, reflections.

Here are some questions to ponder.

What kind of stories do you remember hearing during your childhood? What memories do you have of listening to stories?

Have you tried making up stories for your child, stories from everyday life, stories from your childhood and stories about your child? They can be short - even a few sentences long.
Does this feel different than reading a story from a book?
Is it easier or harder than you expected?
What was your child's reaction?

Reflect on some of your discoveries and successes.

Loving human contact is important for a child's well-being. How is this a component of storytelling? (Although this may seem obvious, conscious awareness about why we are doing something can inspire us to keep it up).

Becoming the Author of Your own Life

2009-03-24T10:18:00.002-04:00

Why do we tell our stories? We tell them to claim our role as the author of our own lives. Author is the root word of "authority" which has all kinds of connotations that might be incompatible with the simple idea of authoring our own lives but that is what I am talking about here.
Empowering ourselves and others to gain authority in our lives is the intent of telling stories and it is also the intent of this blog. Whatever you discover here is meant to be something you can experiment with or try on for size. See if it suits you and if it does, use it but if it doesn't ring true for you, let it go. You might find that you revisit it at another time or it is something you grapple with ongoingly. But clearly, these entries are not meant to be mandates because that would not further the intent of increasing the authority in parents so they can consciously author their own lives and then pass on this authority to their children when the child is ready to receive it.
Let's talk a little bit more about stories for young children. When is your child old enough for stories? Obviously it takes a certain maturity of language development for a child to listen to a story as well as the ability to sit still for a period of time. Until that time, children are still totally immersed in experiencing the things themselves. Take your cues from your child, and start with very short stories about your child's life, about the day, about animals or even your own childhood experiences. Then you can gradually work toward longer ones with repetition (which makes them easier to remember for the storyteller and children delight in them), and then into simple fairy tales.
The beauty of telling stories rather than reading them is that you can watch your child's response to the words as you are saying them. It also allows the child to create his/her own pictures from the story rather than the ones offered by the book's illustrator. It's not necessary to exagerrate the emotional content of the story but rather to tell it in a straghtforward sort of way with pauses (sometimes while you are thinking of the next thing to say). Be sure that if you make up characters, you remember the names, ages and other characteristics you give them because your children definitely will.

Suggestions for Stories to tell Young Children
Before the age of 3
Nursery rhymes sung and told (the rhythmical quality suits the young child)
simple repetitive stories
finger plays
nature stories
Stories you make up
Stories about the immediate environment

Three Year Olds
Sweet Porridge (Grimm)
The Turnip (Russian)
The Bun (Russian)
The Old Woman and the Pig (Volland Classic)
The Cat and the Mouse (Volland Classic)
Little Red Hen (Volland Classic)
Little Tuppens (Volland Classic)
My Household (Grimm)
Goldilocks and the Three Bears
Billy Goats Gruff

To read more about storytelling with children, refer to Rahima Baldwin's book, You Are Your Child's First Teacher (a book one for every parents' shelf), pages 173 - 175"The Value of Telling Stories" in the section called "Nourishing Your Child's Imagination".

Telling Stories to our Children

2009-03-17T09:53:00.003-04:00

We've been working with singing and speech, let's consider now the art of telling stories. Children love them and we can all become storytellers for their sake, weaving in moral lessons we want to teach and connecting deeply with our children in the process. As with singing, we discover that we are all singers, we are also all storytellers even if we don't know it - yet.

Exerpt from "All About Kids" Magazine Feb. 1992

Don't Know and Pajamas
by Cathy Habes

After cookies, "Curious George" and kisses goodnight, I turn out the light. My four-year-old son says, "Tell us a story with no book." His two-year-old brother echoes the plea.

"Once upon a time," I begin, "there were two boys named Danny and Joey..." Then I pause.

When this ritual first began, I wondered what plot I could concoct from my sleepy brain that would possibly satisfy their hunger for stories. I found myself drawing heavily on plots in which they meet their favorite cartoon heroes and join forces with them in vanquishing the foes of Earth Itself.

"That was good." Danny would sigh afterward: but I was dissatisfied with my own junky thinking. Did an exciting story have to include fist fights and space ships?

As time passed, I polished my style a bit. Danny and Joey were written into the scripts of various gems of childhood literature that I knew by heart. Danny danced down the street with his friends in a rock'n roll version of rThe Pied Piper, encountered the Cat in the Hat. Each vied to be the brother who fell down the well in an adaptation of tTikki Tikki Tembo.

But I think I really hit on something when one night I simply repeated the details of the events of that day. Plain and simple, I told what happened from my point of view, and in the telling I found myself making Danny and Joey into the heroes of their own lives.

They demanded more such stories about "what we did today," delighted to hear about the adventures and successes of a routine trip to the playground. I dwelt lovingly on the details of each finger-painted picture done at the playtable and could repeat their friendly negotiations with playmates almost verbatim.

Nothing seemed to please them more than these intricate reaffirmations of their worth and progress. Then one night Danny asked me to tell him a story about something he desired - a pet, specifically a brown and white hamster named Pajamas. It was a touching request and a truly original one.

"What pet would you like in the story?" I asked Joey. "A Puppy?"

"An elephant!" shouted my two-year-old.

"What will his name be?"

"Don't know," Joey replied. So that night I told the first tale of Pajamas, the hamster and Don't Know the baby elephant.

The stories are still grounded in the day-to-day stuff of reality. Danny has played hide-and-seek with Pajamas, who hid in his shoe, under his bed, and behind his cereal bowl. Joey has taken Don't Know for a walk in the rain and had to clean the elephant's muddy feet with a broom and a bucket of water. We have speculated about what would happen if Pajamas and Don't Know went to the grocery store, the bowling alley, and kindergarten.

Mundane as they might sound, these stories are far more exciting, warm, and meaningful than the flat, relentlessly agressive tales I used to spin about Ninja Turtles. Now the boys often join in with their own ideas about the script. At the end of two short but thrilling tales, they are ready for sleep -- as long as I promise to tell more stories tomorrow.

It is delicious to feel my children grow and shine in the light of the stories of their lives. It is delicious, too, to experience my own stretching and growing. I had never dreamed I could craft an impromptu tale that would so delight a small audience. A bit of practice and experimentation was all it took to free the storyteller in me.

I don't think too much about my stories: I don't plan what I will say each night. I pause with my eyes closed in the dark room and wait to see what Pajamas and Don't Know are up to tonight. They have taken on a life of their own now, this odd couple invented by my children's hearts.

Reflection Exercises for "Speaking with Young Children" series

2009-03-10T09:40:00.003-04:00

The last two blogs have been about becoming conscious of how we speak to our children.

Everything matters in our communications: what we say, how we say it, even what we are feeling and thinking while we speak. Children pick up on all of it so they wake us up to the true quality of our communications.

Below are a few questions that will help you reflect on your speech. Remember to be honest but also compassionate toward yourself, since we are all learning as we go.

Pay attention to the quality of your speech. Is it clear and well-formed (i.e. consonants on the ends of words)? What is your tone of voice like?

Is your child often asked to leave the "here and now" to answer a question? (For example -- What did you do at school today? or What's that you are building?) Is he/she able to do this? What effect do such questions seem to have on him/her?

Try to answer some of your child's questions with imaginative, pictorial answers rather than rational, scientific answers. What is the reaction?

If you have been offering fewer choices, how is it going?

Do you feel comfortable taking charge and claiming your authority as a parent? What was your experience of parental authority as a child?

Do these articles raise any questions or comments you would like to discuss? If so, comment here or bring them to class. Sharing amongst peers is a great way to process information and support each other in making changes or validating what we already do. Parenting is a journey in consciousness, full of both joys and sorrows and it is humbling to realize we have so much to learn right alongside our children.

Making up your Mind to speak to your Children like Children

2009-03-03T10:26:00.007-05:00

An excerpt from a "Waldorf Newsletter"
written by Lucas G. Hendrikson in 1991

"Talking to 'Tiny Adults'"
There is a story that may be familiar to you, it goes like this: a four year old and her mother were sitting in a fast food restaurant; the father had gone for the food. When he returned, he asked the little girl whether she wanted to eat there or go home. The girl was quietly confused. "Well", he said, "Which shall it be - home or here? Make up your mind." the girl, still in a state of confusion, burst into tears. "Well, we're going home if you act like that," said her father, and off they went.
Scenes like this occur quite often. Loving parents, not wanting to inflict their will and desires upon their children, allow a child to make many decisions so that he can be his own person. Chilren are treated as "tiny adults". The social upheavals of the 60's can be viewed as the children of this nation casting off the will and desires of their parents in order to become their own people. Now, those children are parents and want freedom for their children. But is this freedom healthy? Is the unlimited ability to choose what children really need in order to fulfill their potential and become truly free?
In the Waldorf movement, we often use the analogy of comparing a child to a flower. The child is a seed which contains everything needed to become a beautifully unique flower. Our job as parents is to give the child a healthy environment so that she may blossom. Neither should we expect the young child to produce life decisions. Those decisions are the job of the parent.
Statements from my six-year-old daughter: "I'm gonna wear my shorts!" - in the middle of winter. "I will not eat that!" just after I finished cooking breakfast. "I'm not going with you! - when we have only a few minutes to leave for an appointment. My job is to help her understand that on many things, the decision lies with me. She has no choice. I know that it will help her to make decisions later in her life if she sees a strong example now of decision making in action. This must be done in a confident manner, without long explanations. I notice that she is often testing how strong the decision I have made is, and, if my decision is strong and calm she will have confidence in me and will feel secure.
We are indeed helping our children toward freedom - but it's freedom at 21 not at 5. The ability to learn to make decisions and carrying responsibility is a gradual process. This child needs experience in making decisions and carrying responsibility, but too often we see the children running the family. The parents ask the child, "Do you want to stay in kindergarten, or come home with me?" "Do you want to go to bed, or not?" These are not really choices, and we do the child a disservice by making it seem otherwise. If the parent has worked out that it is time for kindergarten, or bed, then the decision is made.
The child under seven is in a dream consciousness. This is good and healthy, and we should nurture it. Every question asks the child to "wake up" in order to accomplish the thinking necessary to respond. This drains forces he would otherwise use to build up his physical body. If, while we were sleeping, someone woke us up - just a little - and then, when we went back to sleep, woke us again and again, in the morning we would be quite crabby. This is what we do to the child when we demand decisions of him, only this 'crabbiness" works into his very being.
The child needs to sleep, and only gradually wake up to the world around him. The adult needs to nurture and protect the child, making firm decisions and being calmly confident in them. This calls adults to order, demanding much more consciousness on their part. Do I need to ask the child this? Does the child really have a choice here? How can I accept the responsibility for making decisions and nurturing my child and allowing her to do her job of building her body and her imagination? If we can bring our consiousness to these questions, our children can dream as they need to, and we can live joyfully without the "crabby child".

Next week - questions for reflecting on how we speak with young children.
Bring comments about this article to parent-toddler class and we can discuss them briefly at snacktime, providing support for each other in this work of conscious parenting.

How we Speak to our Children

2009-02-23T17:24:00.002-05:00

We have been considering the role of singing in parenting, how about speech? One could get through the day without singing but not without speaking, yet how carefully do we consider what we say? When I was student teaching, one of our supervisors used to count how many times we sad "um" or "you know" to help us become aware of our habits in speaking. It was the first step toward consciously choosing our words and becoming more effective communicators.

One of the popular habits I've observed is the use of "ok" in communicating with children. I would suggest, just like the examples above, it is unconscious, but let's consider the effect it has on our communication with our children.

Below is an article from MOTHERING Magazine about a mother's awakening to the impact of ok in relating to her children. It's both honest and to the point.

Parenting by Permission
by Sandra Eble

As I settled in for a picnic lunch with my children in the middle of what promised to be a long, hot summer day, I noticed another family claiming the shade of the tree next to ours. Three boys, about ten, six, and three, clamored for bagels. My interest was piqued when the boys begged for a yogurt. In a voice that commanded attention, the mother stated. "There is only one yogurt and two spoons. There are three of you. This is to be shared fairly. Any pigs will lose their turns." She then laid down and closed her eyes, while I waited for World War III to commence.
To my disbelief, the two oldest took the spoons and passed the yogurt: one bite for each of them and two bites for the youngest. No one screamed that the baby was getting a double helping. They enjoyed that yogurt to the hilt, scraping out the cup with gusto. Meanwhile, my children were still bickering about the choices I had offered. What secret did the mother possess to instill that kind of cooperation? Could I go over and beg for an hour-long parenting class?
On the drive home, I reviewed how I might have handled the same situation. The biggest diffence I could find was in the mother's approach. She laid out a plan and the consequuences and then stepped out of the picture. Her plan had not been detailed but rather descriptive of the facts and her expectations.
What would I have done? First, I would have apologized for only having one yogurt, then I would have begged for approval. "Is that OK?" I would have asked. This mother had not even explained why there was only one yogurt. I would have repeatedly looked for assurance that I was still a wonderful mother, even if inept at providing for them. Then I would have apologized for only having two spoons, again repeating, "Is that OK?" Was this how my communication was breaking down?
Over the next few days, I studied my efforts. Time to clean up. OK? When I asked if it was OK, dissent followed.
I turned my attention to dropping the OK after suggestions or commands, deciding that parenting is not often a democracy. When it's time to go to Shop-Rite, it is my timetable and not a group decision-making process. If a timetable can be altered to fit others' needs, then that can come up in the form of a discussion. "Cleanup needs to happen before dinner. Do you want to do it now or in 15 minutes?" If my statement is "Time to clean up, OK?" then to be sure it is not OK.
I had been operating under the illusion that if I was understanding and explained my reasoning then my children would smile and cooperate. In truth, explanations rarely worked. Now I was facing the fact that my parenting style was not very effective.
All this reflection dredged up a long-forgotten memory. When my oldest, M'Liss, had been an angel infant and I was still encased in the myth that breastfeeding was the answer to all mothering problems, a neighbor who was trapped in open warfare with his 12-year-old daughter laid out the maxim that "children are not reasonable." I was sure then that proper parenting, understanding, and patience would create "reasonable" children. Now after 17 years in the trenches with six children I believe that he was right. There are moments when no amount of explanation or patience will sway a revved-up three-year-old.
My life took on a new dimnesion when I removed "OK" from my vocabulary. I can now sail through Shop-Rite with my four-year-old. I have left behind the days of "Let's pick up Cheerios, OK?" and the whine that follows. Such a little word, yet the power it wields in a parent/child relationship can be tremendous.

Reflections on Singing

2009-02-10T19:55:00.002-05:00

When I visited my 95-year-old father-in-law in Germany last fall, he enjoyed being with people reminiscing but never seemed more vital than when we were all singing his old favorite songs. There is a song about the power of music that you might know:
All things must perish from under the sky.
Music alone shall live, music alone shall live, music alone shall live,
Never to die.

In these days of technology, we can all have access to any song sung by a perfectly-pitched voice at the push of a button. They are, however, the voices of strangers and young children who are not yet critical are hungry for authenticity, even in its imperfection.

Recall an early childhood memory that involved singing. Can you remember the mood that was created?

Regardless of comments about your voice over the years, do you sing? How often? Does singing bring you joy?

When you take a car trip, it's a great time to sing with your family. Could you find a song book or compile your own for the adults and older children to bring on your trips? It's a fun way to pass the time together.

Another time besides travelling when people traditionally have sung is when working. Do you know any "work" songs? How about "I've been working on the railroad."?

Do you think that there is a basic repetoire of songs that everyone needs to know? If so, make a list and start singing them with your children so they will can learn them, too.

singing with children

2009-02-04T13:40:00.005-05:00

Parents have been asking for the words to the songs we sing in the parent-toddler program so I thought I would share some songs and also something about singing.
My singing teacher, Mary Schunemann, has compiled several lovely song books that come with CD's so you can learn them directly from Mary who has an angelic singing voice. Mary has since deceased but her company, "Naturally You can Sing" and her songs live on.

In Mary's book, "Lavender Blue Dilly Dilly", she writes about why we whould sing.
"Singing can change the world; for when we sing, we change ourselves. We, the citizens of the world, are in great need of joy and peace, clamness and exuberance. When we sing we can create all of these moods, and thereby shift and balance our breathing and blood circulation. Through singing we can create a sense of health and well being, which leads to a calming of the brain waves, a vitalizing of our organs, and the enlivnening of our endocrine system. In addition to these healthy-giving benefits for oneself and the whole community, it is just plain fun! Let us bring our singing culture alive again and give our children this tremendous gift of health and joy for life!"

Some circle songs:

Oh great spirit, earth, wind, sky and sea
You are inside and all around me.

Good morning dear earth,
Good morning dear sun,
Good morning dear stones and flowers every one.
Good morning dear animals and birds in the tree.
Good morning to you, good morning to me.

King Winter now is in the land, he reigns with cold and freezing hand.
He makes Jack Frost touch nose and toes and brings us white and shining snow.

All shall be well, all shall be well.
All manner of things shall be well.

Fall Projects

2008-12-08T13:03:00.002-05:00

We have enjoyed our simple crafts this fall and the results have been quite beautiful. Since starting in September, we have sewn simple wool-stuffed gnomes using recycled felted sweaters, created leaf banners found in Carol Petrash's book Earthways), and made Martinmas lanterns.
In November, to preserve the last of the sun's rays while the days grow shorter, we dyed silk a golden shade. The silks can be worn as a scarf, used on the nature table or as a runner on a dining table.
We dyted the silk with onion skins which are best found at a grocery store where they happily give them away since they are usually discarded when the produce area is cleaned. It takes a lot of onion skins to make a pot of dye and so it's hard to save up enough on your own, but everyone's contribution of onion skins went into our dying pot.
Before dying the silks, we "mordanted" them by putting them in a large pot of water with 4 oz. of alum (available at the grocery story in the spice section) and an ounce of cream of tartar (also available in the grocery store spices). We brought the water to a boil and then simmered the silks in the pot for about an hour. Then the silks were hung to dry so they would be ready for the next step. (Some directions say to rinse the silks before drying (and before dying) but I didn't although I am curious to try it again and with rinsing after mordanting).
We wrapped onion skins in a cheescloth about the size of a volleyball and then put the ball of skins in a pot of plain water (having discarded the mordanting water)and let them simmer for as long as it took to achieve the golden shade we were looking for (between 20 minutes about 50 minutes). When you stir the dye, the color will be more even, but if you want a variegated effect, you can tie the silk before dying or let it fold onto itself in the pot.
After you remove your silk from the pot, rinse it in cool water, let it dry and then iron it to set the color and reveal its beauty.
It's amazing to see the golden sunshine color that emerges from onions grown that grew underground. I imagine that the earth has been inhaling the sunshine all summer long and is storing it now during these dark days. As we celebrate the winter festivals, it's interesting to ponder that the greatest light is born at the time of the deepest darkness.
Now we are making pomanders in class and they are clove-covered oranges, so easy to see as spicy sunglobes that we use to decorate our house during the darkest month of the year. This craft can also be found in the Earthways book by Carol Petrash.
Enjoy these beautiful days and the anticipation of the return of the light!

The Lantern Walk

2008-11-10T16:32:00.002-05:00

Last week was a spectacular one overall. Indian summer temperatures, golden leaves and blue, blue, blue skies. On Thursday, after our parent-toddler class closed outside in the gazebo, a parent looked up and commented on the beauty of the golden leaves against the blue sky. To take it in better, she reclined in a pile of leaves, her son next to her. Before I knew it, there were six of us lying in the leaves gazing at the autumn sky.
Later that evening we gathered at 6:00 p.m. for the Martinmas festival. We lit the candles in our lanterns, practiced our songs and then processed onto the land behind the church where we could notice the effect of our lanterns on the dark night. We then gathered in a circle in the gazebo so we could see and even better, hear each other singing: "I go with my little lantern", "The sunlight fast is dwindling", "Glimmer, lantern, glimmer" and "Lanterne, lanterne". In the middle of the gazebo was a log with a carved pumpkin and a few other votive lights to create a center piece of light, but what shone the most (for me) were the faces around the circle.
When we went inside, we had snacks of pumpkin cookies and cider with the children seated at the table. Then we heard the story of "Where No Light Shines" and sang a little more before leaving. Someone did a headcount and stopped when she reached sixty. It felt full, festive and peaceful.
Now that we have kindled the sparks in our hearts and in our community, we are ready to face the short days and long evenings that are ahead leading up to the solstice. Although the little ones do not know the significance of the festivals, it becomes a part of them and a happy memory from their childhood. The more warm and happy memories we can store up in childhood, the more we can impart the same for others when we are adults.

Where No Light Shines

Once upon a time there was a man, a very bad man. He was lazy, miserable, he used ugly language, he was unkind even to his wife and children, he was cross, in fact he was very, very bad.
Now one day St. Michael decided that something must really be done about all this, so he called one of his angels to him and said "Dear Angel, there is a bad man down on the earth. Will you go and live in his house for one year and try and make him better? You must leave your wings behind, but there is alittle red cap and as long as you have this, you will be able to come back to heaven. Do not take it off, and do not lose it."
So the angel, whose name was Christina, took off her wings and put on the little red cap and went down to earth. When she reached the man's house, she knocked on the door. The man's wife came to see who was there. Said Christina: "Good woman, will hyou take me as your serving maid? I do not want any money, only give me some food and a corner to sleep in, and I will serve you well for a year." "This is alright," thought the man's wife: so she bad Christina come in and, fastening a big apron over her white garment, she set her to work.
It was marvellous to see the change that was wrought in that house in less than no time. When the man came home from his work, everythihng was in such good order and such a fine meal awaited him that there was nothing to scold and grumbled about. When he used ugly words, Christina sang with such a sweet and gentle voice that he was put to shame. In short, her beauty and goodness, her kind and gentl deeds, soon blew all his ugliness away.
Well, presently, the devil began to notice this state of affairs. He was accustomed to a very plentiful harvest of bad and ugly deeds from the man's house, and when these stopped coming down he decided to look into the matter.
"So - ho," said he, "St. Michael has sent one of his angels! Well, I will send one of my devils, and we will see what we will see."
So he sent up one of his devils to the man's house and the first thing the little devil did was to put his foot into a baseket of eggs and smash them, so that they ran all over the floor. But Chrstina simply cleaned up the mess with never a cross word. Then the devil set to work to upset more things and to cause as much confusion and disturbance as he could. He teaed the children and made them cry: he started quarrels and fights among the. But, whatever he did, Christina set it to rights again with such patience and sweetness that the devil at last grew tired of his work and fell to watching Christina. She was so beautiful, and everything around her was so beautiful, that he began to dislike the idea of leaving all this and returning to the darkness and ugliness of his own world.
At last Christina's year was up. Said she: "Now I am going back to heaven. Goodbye little devil!" "Goodbye," said he forlornly, "I wish I were going with you."
Christina started off but she had not taken many steps when the spirit of mercy touched her, and made her return. "I am sorry for you, devil," said she, "here, take my little cap and go to heaven instead of me." And she took the little red cap off her own golden head, and placed it on the devil's black one. No sooner was it there than the devil began to chane. The horrid black hair that covered him fell off and a heart began to beat in his breast - for you must know, children, devils do not have a heart."
He looked at Christina standing there, so good and so beautiful. Then he took the red cap off his head: "Where you are, Christina, there is heaven. I will stay with you."
So they both stayed on earth, helping other people so that one day all might make heaven on earth together. And St. Michael looked down from heaven and was very, very happy.
- K. Schubert (slightly adapted)

Michaelmas time

2008-10-28T20:15:00.002-04:00

Since our Michaelmas festival at the end of September, autumn has come bringing shorter days, falling leaves in shades of red, yellow and brown, winds and chilly air and pumpkins everywhere. When we celebrated Michaelmas, we rekindled our inner lights and now with pumpkins and Martinmas lanterns, we are making a home for that little spark of light. It's a home that we will take into the dark and no matter how small our light is, it will vanquish the dark all around it.

Reflections on the first weeks of school

2008-09-21T16:14:00.002-04:00

All four groups have started meeting, with over thirty families coming to our parent-toddler programs. So far, we have been drying apples, stitching gnomes, meeting new and old friends, and adjusting to our rhythm together.
One of the songs we have been singing is:
"It's golden in the treetops, it's golden in the sky,
it's golden, golden, golden September passing by."
Seeing so many shining faces around our snack table is indeed a golden moment and I want to savor each one so while they pass, they leave an imprint that will provide soul warmth in the coming months.

What happens in parent-toddler groups?

2008-09-15T09:14:00.002-04:00

We have had our first week of school and it was wonderful! I am so happy to have seen old friends and met many new ones. The wonder of child development is so apparent after not seeing children for a few months. I am always interested in the questions and comments that come up in parents when they encounter this education. I have been involved in Waldorf education for many years and I understand the need to ask questions because I have had many. Often the journey to finding the answers to my questions brought me to new questions but it is the questions that defined my path and therefore, the information I found along the way.

Why do we use glass cups with such young children? All the choices we make are carefully considered, so you can trust there is a reason. We chose glass because we wanted a natural material that is also affordable (if I could find a good deal on those ceramic-lined metal cups often used for camping, I'd buy them). Natural materials change. A plastic flower never decays and a plastic cup never breaks. The benefit of using a glass cup instead of plastic outweighs the risk associated with breaking glass. In about 40 weeks of parent-toddler programs, we have broken three cups. When glass breaks, there is a good lesson there for children as well. The adults calmly clean it up. At all times while children are handling glass, adults are near by. No child has ever been hurt by broken glass!

Therefore, we have decided that the benefits of trusting the child to hold a beautiful glass cup elevates the experience of snack and they deserve it. It is not just an ordinary snack, it is a school snack when we are gathered with our friends. The children (unconsciously, of course) appreciate the festive mood and quite quickly learn to meet the challenge of holding a glass cup. Besides, how else could they see the beautiful red liquid? We eat with our eyes, my husband always says. Especially for the young child, we consider the full sensory experience of everything we do. Imagine for a moment the tactile experience of holding a plastic cup versus a glass one. Then add the other senses and consider that children soak in their environment deeply and it actually becomes a part of them, then choose which experience you would want for your child.

Next, I will respond to a comment about how calm and centered a parent felt all day after the parent-toddler program. She wondered how that could be since she felt we had not done anything. First of all, to gather eight families with babies, toddlers and some preschoolers together to play, socialize, make a snack, clean the room, have integrative movement, share a snack, clean dishes, hear a puppet play and then go outside joyfully and peacefully all within two hours time is doing something!

I am guessing that the parent's comment has to do with cognitive activity. We were not busy thinking about what to do when, the program is planned out for us so that we can honor the children by being in the present moment with them, breathing in and out from group activities to more individual ones, from active to more restful moments. When we participate in the parent-toddler programs, we enter the world of the young child. It is a world of safety, innocence, warmth, timelessness and goodness. Think back on your own childhood and those years from birth to seven. There is a universal quality of early childhood that has not changed (although the rest of the world has) and we strive to provide an environment that respects the needs of the young child...and in that environment, adults receive benefits, too.

First week in September

2008-08-27T15:23:00.003-04:00

Summer's going, fall is coming. The air is getting cooler and I'm getting ready for school. In looking for new verses, I came across this one which sums up the mood:

"In misty, moisty autumn air,
Summer lingers still through mellow days,
And light which glimmers gold and fair
Is dimmed and dulled by gentle veils of haze.

I myself can clearly see
How autumn, soft and slow, is creeping.
Summer gave herself to me
And now departs for winter-sleeping.

Welcome

2008-08-13T16:52:00.000-04:00

Our new school year will soon be underway -