Thursday, October 21, 2010

Conflict as a means to Growth

Most of us would have to admit that when we find ourselves surrounded by happy children, flowers and sunshine; we wish such a moment would never end. But then the children start to quarrel or we pick a flower that has thorns, the sun goes behind the clouds and maybe it even starts to rain. What do we do then?

The answer to that question makes all the difference. If we conclude, that the moment of conflict or strife should not be happening, we hinder our ability to address it. Let's face it, conflicts do happen and we are better off if we accept that fact and invest our energy into exploring productive ways to address conflict.
Barbara Ehrensafts writes "In human relationships, the act of reparation, making good on something that did not initially go well, is far better for character building than providing our children with a conflict-free, idyllic, 'perfect' childhood." But how do we address conflict in such a way that it becomes an opportunity for learning and growth?

Resources For Infant Educators (RIE) founder, Magda Gerber, encourages caregivers to learn to step back from intervening too soon and smoothing obstacles for our children. She says, "To respect your child is to create a little distance so that you refrain from interfering with her experience of encountering life...RIE's respectiful approach encourages a child's authenticity, or genuineness." Imagine that, allowing our children to experience bumps, obstacles, and conflicts in life, is respecting the child.

Children are immature social beings and engage in conflict as a normal behavior, due to their limited language skills and self-control. RIE educators, DA Ros and Kovach wrote an article called: "Assisting Toddlers and Caregivers during Conflict Resolutions: Interactions that promote Socialization". In that article, they cite examples as when a toddler wants something that is in the hands of another child and grabs it from him. Typical adult reactions are: to take away the toy that is causing the conflict, to sympathize with the child who had the toy taken away, to ignore the whole matter or to move in closer in order to observe the situation, how the children might resolve it themselves and be available should one child start to hit the other. I've seen masterful caregivers engage in the last option.

The caregiver's response is largely based on the caregiver's beliefs about conflict and its resolution, the caregiver's level of anxiety about toddlers and safety during conflict and the caregiver's choices concerning interventions in disputes. So if we can accept that conflict is normal, quell our anxiety about our child getting hurt and learn some conflict resolution tools, we will have choices available to us. Then we can respond rather than react to a situation and respect our child's ability to meet life.

Two sources for information about conflict resolution techniques are: Kim John Payne and Marshall B Rosenberg. Payne is a psychologist and former Waldorf teacher who lectures worldwide on parenting and education, recommending a more direct approach to conflicts among children of all ages. He encourages adults to engage with conflict rather than immediately separating chilren when they are arguing. In his lecture entitled "When Push comes to Love: How to Raise Civilized Children in an Uncivilized World", he recommends that by helping children work out conflicts, we give them a sense of who they are in relation to others. More of Payne's wisdom is available in his latest book, "Simplicity Parenting".

Marshall B. Rosenberg is known for his nonviolent communication techniques which are designed to strengthen our ability to remain open, human, authentic and responsive in the face of conflicts. Rosenberg, like all the above mentioned conflict resolution experts recommends that the way to peace is not to go away from conflict. It's not to try to manipulate or force solutions; it's to get close, listen and make choices from a non-violent or peaceful stance.

That peacefulness, you guessed it, begins witin each one of us and the trick is to sustain it, even in the face of conflict.