The effects of Praising our Children

The other day during yoga class, my thoughts wandered away from the inner experience I was having (which is the point of yoga) into the realm of what the teacher thought about my postures. Did she think they were good, possibly better than others? It's embarrassing to admit this and I had to laugh at myself, but this awareness led me to think about dependency on external validation and where that comes from.

I think we all like to know that we are doing well and are appreciated for our work, and on the same token, praise cannot be the driving force behind our actions. When we do not seek or need approval, we are free to develop instrinsic motivation and strengthen a sense of satisfaction within ourselves; free from rising and falling according to external validation. This is the path to self-mastery - the highest objective of education that facilates the achievement of all other goals.

Rather than self mastery, praise takes us outside of ourselves and into the realm of external judgments, leading toward dependency and a weakening of the relationship to our selves. Have you ever noticed how frequently children hear "good job" these days? It's become a habit, the mantra of our children's lives and due to overuse, it has lost its meaning - to point out that something extraordinary has been achieved.

Think of the difference between hearing "good job" and an affirmative statement like, "Now the job is done" or "You have put on your shoes". "Good job" puts the focus on the child and the affirmative statement puts the focus on the work, allowing the child to appreciate what's been done rather than appreciating someone else's appreciation of them. Do you hear the difference?

It's a good idea to examine our habits every now and then, considering their effects and then make conscious choices. I'm grateful that my yoga teacher does not comment on my postures, feeding into any dependency on other's approval. Instead at the end of the class, she thanks us for sharing our practice. In that way, we are all validated for the work we have done together and any sense of accomplishment is based on having done the work rather than how well we have done it. We become observers of ourselves and can then make adjustments accordingly. This is not only validating but also strengthening.

As we walk the conscious parenting path, thank you for sharing this blog.